grudges

[bobwhite007]

My wife never admitted a thing and I have no solid proof of an affair.My question is, is it normal, ok, to begrudginly, so to speak, to take it out on her, so to speak, in the bedroom? It stays on my mind constantly and really comes out when we get "busy".iam still having a hard time with all this.

[anne1707]

I have seen some of your past threads - maybe your wife is not admitting to anything because she has done nothing wrong.

 

But even if she has, what on earth do you mean by taking it out on her in the bedroom?

[bobwhite007]

i just know she has.and i think its not over.she did finally say "ok, ill admit it was headed that way fast".i read alot about detecting lies and I've been with her 30 + years and she's lieing no doubt about it. What I mean is well I can't really say I guess.But we , she, haven't acted like that since high school. There is just something there that makes me wanna go , well nvm.just disregard that comment if you dont know what I mean.

I have seen some of your past threads - maybe your wife is not admitting to anything because she has done nothing wrong.

 

But even if she has, what on earth do you mean by taking it out on her in the bedroom?

[anne1707]

There is just something there that makes me wanna go , well nvm.just disregard that comment if you dont know what I mean.

 

No I am not going to disregard that comment. Your OP makes it sound like you want to punish your wife and maybe treat her rough in a physical way that could be construed as abuse. That is what I am trying to clarify.

[TaraMaiden]

My wife never admitted a thing and I have no solid proof of an affair.My question is, is it normal, ok, to begrudginly, so to speak, to take it out on her, so to speak, in the bedroom? It stays on my mind constantly and really comes out when we get "busy".iam still having a hard time with all this.

 

 

Do as Forum_Lurker suggests.

 

Doing what you're proposing just brings you down to beneath contempt, does you no favours and is both misguided and utterly wrong.

First get indisputable facts.

Then be mature and act like a man, not some pubescent idiot who thinks force and coercion is the answer to everything.

[bobwhite007]

thats not what i mean at all.i would never abuse her.in any way.I love her ..alot. if i was gonna do anything stupis it would have been done allready.i guess i mean i m no longer afraid or embaressed to express what really feels good or what i want.i have told her things in the past few weeks that i have been afraid or embarresrd to say for a long time.i mean things like holding back while getting a bj for instance..you asked for it.now theres no holding bacck.by the way its been several years since shes done that .she has done a complete 360 since i started questionong her about her behaivior and actions.she is perfect in the eyes of everyone she knows and would never do something like cheat.i promise i would never abuse her.ive been the one abused if anyone has.i mean mentally abused.the no contact the 70+ tects to another man in a 2 month span.and now the tects she no longer deletes but dont make sense when i sneak and read them.like one line reads something that could be construed as all business then the next be totally odf the wall and off subject .she is deleteing parts of them but not everything.she knows iam watching..

No I am not going to disregard that comment. Your OP makes it sound like you want to punish your wife and maybe treat her rough in a physical way that could be construed as abuse. That is what I am trying to clarify.

[bobwhite007]

I have forced nothing its all her.i didnt want to touch her but once i did the tects and everything is on my mindi think more about what she been doing than what i am doing.

Do as Forum_Lurker syuggests.

 

Doing what you're proposing just brings you down to beneath contempt, does you no favours and is both misguided and utterly wrong.

First get indisputable facts.

Then be mature and act like a man, not some pubescent idiot who thinks force and coercion is the answer to everything.

[Bryanp]

Polygraph, polygraph and polygraph.

[janedoe67]

I agree that she should take a polygraph, and if she passes, then YOU need counseling for your paranoia and desire to be cruel.

[So happy together]

Polygraphs are unreliable at best.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Maybe she's had an affair, maybe she hasn't. She told you things were going that way fast. She could be leaving out the fact that they've already gone there-maybe it was just a kiss, or touching, maybe more-but then again, maybe it was entirely just texting, or talking. Perhaps it was emotional and physical desire, but it never was acted on.

 

Regardless, if you're getting no other information from her, you need to do one of two things:

 

1) Admit to her, and yourself, what you've been thinking and feeling; the fact that you cannot trust her. Whether that lack of trust is warranted or not, is not the issue. Go to MC, if necessary. If you can't let this go, then it may be in your best interest to let her go. Regardless of whether she's done anything or not, without trust, the foundation of your relationship if very weak.

 

Or

 

2)If you can come to terms with things; not knowing, one way or another, and find yourself able to forgive your wife? Then you drop the subject. No more "taking it out on her", which I'm still not clear on. You said you're more open about what does and doesn't work in the bedroom, now? Unless you're being cruel with your honesty, (such as telling her she's giving you a horrible BJ, or guilting her into doing sexual acts she's not comfortable with) I don't really understand what you're saying.

[bobwhite007]

Truth is....I don't know what iam feeling.after I confronted her with my suspicions, and the phone call I overheard , its like a different woman.maybe its not so much as a grudge , I really don't know what it is.Maybe this whole thing will make things a lot better between us, I dunno.I hear her words to him on the phone when I don't want to .yes iam pretty certain something happened.she would never take a polygraph.I think I was led way off base after I started snooping.both him and her stand to loose a lot if it ever came out.I have talked with his wife and she is a complete dingbat as best I can tell.she don't have a clue i have also seen him and talked about other things he wouldnt look me in the eye and stutterd alot.it would be easier for me to "let it go"if I had all the facts.

[bobwhite007]

And I haven't initiated sex at all since I started trying to figure out wth is/was going on.the next few weeks will tell I suppose.

[JustAReformedGirl]

What kind of things did you overhear them talking about? I understand you couldn't hear his responses, but what did you hear your wife say that leads you to believe something's happened?

 

Take time to sort through your feelings; if you don't know what you're feeling, you need time to "defragment", so to speak. Time alone may help that. You may not want to think about certain things, or allow the emotions to surface, if they become painful-but you need to let them. Only once you let them, and accept them, can you properly heal. I know this. All too often, I bottle up my feelings...and what happens? It floods over. It's ten times worse, because inevitably, the feelings and thoughts will come out, and by then, they're concentrated.

 

Hopefully, you will find out if there is more to find out. Beyond that, you either try to make the marriage work, or you end it.

 

Discuss these things with your wife, first. If she hopes to save the marriage, she needs to come forward, if there is more than she's let on.

[2sunny]

Yo need more evidence if your planning to change anything.

 

Stick with facts.

 

Start searching - or hire a private investigator. Or look into a program that will give you all text messages on her phone if you're on her bill.

 

Install a key logger on her computer. Place a voice activated recorder in her purse or car.

 

Without specifically KNOWING - you're punishing her without cause - and that's not nice.

 

Find out for sure. Create your next move in case you find solid evidence.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Bobwhite, I would think that instead of torturing yourself, just sit her down and tell her that in case she does not tell you the truth that you are going to file for divorce. Tell her you cannot live with this uncertainty hanging over your head. If she still comes out with the same story as before then I suggest you file for divorce and tell her about it. That just might wake her up to reality and she may come clean. If she does then you can cancel the divorce proceedings and try and reconcile on your terms. If she still doesn't come clean then you know for sure that she is already lost to you. Best wishes!

[JustAReformedGirl]

Hi Bobwhite, I would think that instead of torturing yourself, just sit her down and tell her that in case she does not tell you the truth that you are going to file for divorce. Tell her you cannot live with this uncertainty hanging over your head. If she still comes out with the same story as before then I suggest you file for divorce and tell her about it. That just might wake her up to reality and she may come clean. If she does then you can cancel the divorce proceedings and try and reconcile on your terms. If she still doesn't come clean then you know for sure that she is already lost to you. Best wishes!

 

There's also the possibility that she's told him the truth, from the start. If he goes through with the divorce, and she's innocent of what he suspects, he'll wind up kicking himself, later.

 

I agree to using the tactic in hopes of getting the truth, but it could easily backfire.

[bobwhite007]

i do need to know the truth for sure.someone asked in my first thread about the warning signs an i dont think i ever answered.maybe it will shed some light and someone can help me figure out if she has cheated or not. First thing that got me suspicious was the smell of a man like when you come out of the babershop.she abandoned her bible study and church friends.she bought all new underwear startef shaving "closer" painting toenails and fingers to match everyday carrief a bag in her car with lotion and a small towell carried perfume in the car switched off screens on her phone when i enteref room always turned towards the wall when she got in bed called me paranoid when id confront her with questions.what would you think??

There's also the possibility that she's told him the truth, from the start. If he goes through with the divorce, and she's innocent of what he suspects, he'll wind up kicking himself, later.

 

I agree to using the tactic in hopes of getting the truth, but it could easily backfire.

[JustAReformedGirl]

i do need to know the truth for sure.someone asked in my first thread about the warning signs an i dont think i ever answered.maybe it will shed some light and someone can help me figure out if she has cheated or not. First thing that got me suspicious was the smell of a man like when you come out of the babershop.she abandoned her bible study and church friends.she bought all new underwear startef shaving "closer" painting toenails and fingers to match everyday carrief a bag in her car with lotion and a small towell carried perfume in the car switched off screens on her phone when i enteref room always turned towards the wall when she got in bed called me paranoid when id confront her with questions.what would you think??

 

It really does look bad, doesn't it? I can't decide if these are signs of an affair, mid-life crisis, or an early version of mid-life crisis, where she feels the need to make changes about herself.

 

For all I know, it's two of the three (since the third is technically just an off-shoot of the second, depending on her age).

 

What was your marriage like before you started noticing these changes, if I may ask? Did you two ever sit down and talk about things that either of you needed to work on? Or were you essentially just living in the same house, with no common interests, barely interacting?

 

I'm just curious. She might just be unhappy in the marriage, and might be making little changes to herself as a sort of boost. I won't discount the possibility of an affair, though.

[bobwhite007]

We are both 50.she says we were/are alot worse off than i ever imagined.i say now that if she did its mostly my own fault.i have taken her for granted.no i never sat her down and asked her how she was or how is our marraige doing.we fell in love in hi school, and have been togethet ever since.a hug at a funeral is the closest ive been to another women.i never saw the need to "talk".we said our vows and to me that meant forever .i have turned off the tv and we do allot of backporch sittin now.i tell her everyday i think she cheated.she tells me everytime she hasnt.i can see when i ask her that she has.i am tring to move on but when i wake up in the morning i feel the same feeling.

It really does look bad, doesn't it? I can't decide if these are signs of an affair, mid-life crisis, or an early version of mid-life crisis, where she feels the need to make changes about herself.

 

For all I know, it's two of the three (since the third is technically just an off-shoot of the second, depending on her age).

 

What was your marriage like before you started noticing these changes, if I may ask? Did you two ever sit down and talk about things that either of you needed to work on? Or were you essentially just living in the same house, with no common interests, barely interacting?

 

I'm just curious. She might just be unhappy in the marriage, and might be making little changes to herself as a sort of boost. I won't discount the possibility of an affair, though.

[JustAReformedGirl]

You've both made mistakes, but that's to be expected. You met young, and have been together all that time. That is a very, very long time.

 

I'm not blaming you, but I figured it's important to bring these things up. Now you two do a lot more talking, right? Well, maybe things will never be perfect, and maybe you'll never know for sure what really happened.

 

So, ask yourself; is it over, or can it be saved? Can you learn to live with the fact that you might never get closure, or can you not?

 

If you can, you have an opportunity to work through your marriage with her, if she feels the same way.

 

If not...well, you know the alternative. Neither decision is easy, by any means, and both require work and soul-searching.

 

I really hope you can resolve your issues with your wife, but if you can't, I hope you have the strength to move on.

[So happy together]

Maybe she's had an affair, maybe she hasn't. She told you things were going that way fast. She could be leaving out the fact that they've already gone there-maybe it was just a kiss, or touching, maybe more-but then again, maybe it was entirely just texting, or talking. Perhaps it was emotional and physical desire, but it never was acted on.

 

Regardless, if you're getting no other information from her, you need to do one of two things:

 

1) Admit to her, and yourself, what you've been thinking and feeling; the fact that you cannot trust her. Whether that lack of trust is warranted or not, is not the issue. Go to MC, if necessary. If you can't let this go, then it may be in your best interest to let her go. Regardless of whether she's done anything or not, without trust, the foundation of your relationship if very weak.

 

Or

 

2)If you can come to terms with things; not knowing, one way or another, and find yourself able to forgive your wife? Then you drop the subject. No more "taking it out on her", which I'm still not clear on. You said you're more open about what does and doesn't work in the bedroom, now? Unless you're being cruel with your honesty, (such as telling her she's giving you a horrible BJ, or guilting her into doing sexual acts she's not comfortable with) I don't really understand what you're saying.

 

Great post. And I'm not liking the whole 'taking it out on her in the bedroom' thing. I understand what he is saying but damn... my opinion is if your relationship is that far gone, stop worrying about what is happening in the bedroom and find out what in the heck is going on day to day, where you are together.

[janedoe67]

i tell her everyday i think she cheated.she tells me everytime she hasnt.i can see when i ask her that she has.i am tring to move on but when i wake up in the morning i feel the same feeling.

 

What a very very sad way to choose to live

[Just a Guy]

Hi again Bob, further to my previous post I want to ask you a question. Assuming your wife has cheated, what is it that you would want? Would you want to divorce or would you want to reconcile? Depending on how you answer this question( Divorce or Reconcile), if it is reconcile, then would it be paramount for you to know whether she actually cheated or would you be able to move forward assuming that she had actually cheated? It would also be pertinent here to find out whether she ,too, would like to reconcile? What is your current status? Has she said anything about separation or divorce? Are the two of you living as room mates with no love making? Is she cold towards you or vice versa? I guess these are questions that you will have to address with some honesty and sincerity before you can think of proceeding forward with any plan on what you would like to do. Living in an ambiguous fog will get you no where and will only serve to make both of you frustrated.

 

I think a heart to heart talk is necessary for both of you before you can go ahead. Best wishes!

[aliveagain]

bobwhite007 finding a cheater kit in her car is a bad sign. You have noted many of the red flag items that she has been doing. Some women(like my ex) will take it to their grave because in confessing they have to accept who they are. Their actions do not match who they perceive themselves to be. You still have one option Bob, leave, how can you have a relationship based on doubt and expect it to last? She knows the truth, your gut is telling you that something is wrong, she shouldn't smell like a man, she shouldn't have a cheat kit in her car. When I first married I married for life, that choice was taken away from me and caused me huge conflicts with my religious beliefs. If you can't feel right about what is going on in your relationship take some time to be apart, perhaps the time apart will change perspectives. You can't let these thoughts continue to fester without taking a final action to deal with it.

Edited June 27, 2013 by aliveagain
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