Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 First you say the email was all lies. Then you say it wasn't anything you hadn't already told your wife. So which is it? If you have a habit of moving your truth when it's convenient - you will never earn your wife's trust back. I'm not assuming either way - just asking for clarity. Have you been completely honest with your wife about everything? No, I said that many of the things written in the email were lies, but the non-lies my wife already knows about. I hope that makes more sense and I apologize if it did not.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 No, I said that many of the things written in the email were lies, but the non-lies my wife already knows about. I hope that makes more sense and I apologize if it did not. No, it doesn't. And if your truth is this difficult to decipher then that may be something to work on. Ask your spouse point blank if you are a clear and precise communicator.
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 No, it doesn't. And if your truth is this difficult to decipher then that may be something to work on. Ask your spouse point blank if you are a clear and precise communicator. Many things written in the email are lies. However, There are also things in the email that are not lies--- and my wife is already aware of them. I am more precise in person than over the internet. Sorry.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Ok, good. What exactly are YOU DOING to earn her trust back? Be specific...
HopingAgain Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Many things written in the email are lies. However, There are also things in the email that are not lies--- and my wife is already aware of them. I am more precise in person than over the internet. Sorry. If it helps, I understood what you meant in the first post. It said most of the content of the email was untrue. It sounds like she mixed some fact with some falsehoods. The things that were factual your wife already knew about.
HopingAgain Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 She's probably gonna ask you the same questions over and over, in different variations, so be ready to answer patiently and willingly every time. She's not doing it to torture you, she just wants to understand and be reassured of your capability to be honest. Also be readu to explore what you can do differently to avoid sucuumbing to temptation in the future. Be open with your wife about any temptation and create a "game plan" to escape dangerous scenarios. 1
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Ok, good. What exactly are YOU DOING to earn her trust back? Be specific... I am being as transparent as a man can/should be. Showing her all texts, call logs that are on my phone, emails, etc. if/when she asks. Letting her know of my whereabouts and if I'll be late or not, or if I am late, telling her why, such as I am in traffic, etc. Being open, answering all questions that she asks honestly, etc. I am loving, affectionate, etc. as well. Is there anything else I should do?
wanting more Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I surely can't give you advice as to what to do for your BS, although i think you are getting great advice here but I thought I asked (don't see it on her anymore) how long your A was. I know you said less than a year but that could mean 1 month to 11 months. I'm just curious
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I'm sorry I was not more clear, it went on for about 9 months.
wanting more Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 So 9 months. You told her you were falling for her, you only kissed and never had sex???
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 So 9 months. You told her you were falling for her, you only kissed and never had sex??? Yes, is that hard to believe or surprising?
wanting more Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Yes a little. But if you say that was all then I'll believe that was all. I was really just trying to see it from your OWs point of view. I do appreciate that you never lied to her telling her you'd leave. 9 months is a long time to a woman, if she thought you were falling for her, chances are good she already fell for you. I also appreciate you met with her and ended things face to face. If she emailed your BW after 4 months, I'd still suggest an email from you and your BW telling her NC or she will be contacted by your attorney.
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Well, it's the truth. We kissed a lot, but that was it. I understand your point, and I know she fell for me because she did say ILY a few times. I will be talking to my wife today about writing one last NC letter. Thanks to everyone for the (continual) help!
William Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Minor cleanup and a few infractions. Moderation directs respondents to address the thread starter and their issue in a civil and respectful tone and refrain from cross-talk with other members regarding their issues. Thanks.
HopingAgain Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Sounds like your focus is right where it belongs at this time...on your WIFE. I encourage you to continue to focus on her and only her. Many who are sensitive to the perspective of an OW will pressure you to be guilt ridden over the feelings of OW and continue to play into her games. Don't do it! Once the NC is enforced, continue to ignore, ignore, ignore as far as the OW is concerned. She is an ex, she knows it, and its time for her to move on. Please keep us posted as to the progress with your wife!
waterwoman Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 It will take time, time and consistency. Her biggest fear is that the affair isn't really over and that you secretly wish you were with the OW. You can't convince her with words, you will just have to show her that you love her and show it time and time again. Don't be impatient with her. Use this opportunity (re email from OW) to prove to her you are on the same side. Ask your wife to compose an email or letter, with you, to send to the OW. Send it from you both. Try to make it calm but very clear. 1
Author hamilton23 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Well, believe it or not, that's the truth. 9 months, no sex just heavy kissing, no ILY. Anyway, I will go forward and write an NC letter with my wife. I'm figuring this letter will have to be really stern this time. 1
wanting more Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Definately stern. And you said before when you ended it you apologized and wished her well. That's more than most (me) got from xMM. you did what I as an xOW wanted, no more soothing her now Straight and to the point. Good luck. And I do hope things go well in your R 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) Definately stern. And you said before when you ended it you apologized and wished her well. That's more than most (me) got from xMM. you did what I as an xOW wanted, no more soothing her now Straight and to the point. Good luck. And I do hope things go well in your R This I agree with - my xmm told me loved me and then went silent. His "no contact" letter was not really a no contact because we spoke again after and there were some little innuendos in it I could see. He could never tell me it was over even though I asked him to speak the works many times - he couldn't even write them. You MUST do this - not only for your xOW but for your wife. It's not fair for either woman to be unclear. You seem like you really want to recover your marriage and I hope you do - you seem sincere, but I have to say it's hard for me to believe this had gone on 9 months without more than kissing. Unusual to say the least. I do hope, for your sake and your wife's, that is the truth and that there isn't some other "proof" this xOW has because believe me when I tell you it WILL come out. Good luck - it's not an easy road Edited June 25, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong 1
Author hamilton23 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 There is no other proof of the affair going further than kissing and I am not really concerned with whether who believes me on here or not. I've handed down every single piece of affair "evidence" to my wife. Can we please move on from that. To BS or WS (I hope I am using the correct terms), do you have any tips/examples for the NC letter? I don't want the letter to sound the same as the others, since it didn't really work. Thanks for the help and well wishes, it is very appreciated.
wanting more Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I think you can actually google no contact letters and you get examples. It's not that we (I) dont believe your story. It's just very rare that you get a WS in their 1st post to say I had an A for 9 months, we kissed but never had sex, I never told her I loved her then I fessed everything to my BS in our 1st conversation about it. 1
Author hamilton23 Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Well, like I said, that is what happened. We only kissed (as a means of physicality, multiple times obviously) no sex, no I love you, i confessed to it, and the affair was 9 months long. Now.... Thank you for the tip about googling NC letters. I will check into it, an hopefully get one together tonight.
Author hamilton23 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Thou protesteth too much. Then it was not really an affair so why so much guilt over a bit of kissing. Just no reason for an OW to go bunny over you.:bunny: Call me cynical but i am guessing your wife is reading this. 1. You/others brought up the duration of my affair multiples times, thus I addressed it multiple times. 2. Exactly who are you to say it wasnt an affair? My wife thinks it was and that's what matters. I carried on a relationship behind her back, that's an affair to me. 3. Why so much guilt? Because I hurt my wife deeply, caused a lot of pain for everyone involved and that sucks. Maybe you don't feel I should feel guilty, but I do. I'm trying to do right by all. 4. I don't know what Bunny Boiler means, so I can't address that but as someone said earlier in the thread, affairs cause a lot of problems after it ends. 5. I don't believe my wife reads this, of course if she wanted to she could, but I haven't been made aware of it. Even if she does read this thread, so what? J'adore, if you don't have anything productive to add to my thread, while I know anyone can post, I don't see the point in you doing so. You haven't offered any advice while others have. To everyone else: the NC letter has been sent! I will keep you all up to date if I need any more help. Thank you again. Thank you. 4
Author hamilton23 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 Can I ask you a couple questions? In no way do I mean this to be confrontational... I truly don't. Is your wife reading your posts here? Something about the way they are written feels "held back" to me, and unless you are really sharing your thoughts/feelings and not what you want her to read the advice and dynamic you get are going to be skewed. I agree that with the thought that if there was really not much there but a lot of kissing, no promises, no i love yous, no "you mean the world to me and I'm leaving asap" then the behavior doesn't make sense. Doesn't mean it isn't happening... people have gone over the edge over smaller things, but it's unusual. And second... Googling NC letters? Really? Why would you want to use someone else's words? Why not just write one? If you really want to send am NC letter, WRITE one. Put the effort into it. You were obviously willing to put in the effort to send emails, texts etc in the past, why not do it the right way now? And if you want it to meet your wife's needs to, ask her. Passing out what is basically a form letter is a douchey move, no matter who you are and would be more likely to make me want to push back. I already answered the first, but no I do not believe she is reading my posts. If she is, she hasn't let me know. I guess this is just how I type, it is the Internet after all, the way I come across online can be interpreted a multitude of ways. As far as googling NC letters, it is mostly just for "inspiration," as past letters that I have written havent gotten the point across very well. I'm not plagiarizing anyone's letter, but I don't see what is wrong with researching other letters in order to help. In the end, we still wrote what we wanted.
Author hamilton23 Posted June 27, 2013 Author Posted June 27, 2013 You ask who am I, well actually, I am an OW who after being in an affair 5 years, knows pretty much all the ins and outs of deception. I know that not telling the whole truth results in none reconciliation and a possible restarting of the affair and you are far too defensive in this regard. No one has an affair and just kisses unless it was one night or two. I am trying to help you here. If you did just kiss, then you and your wife should get over it pretty quickly, if you knew what I had been through, it really is not a big deal. Your wife should be happy that you don't speak to the OW at all, and if that really really is all that it was, you should ignore her completely because if someone is that persistent over a kiss, then they have problems and NC letters are not doing any good. I am guessing this is not what you want to hear though.... I read what you wrote, but just because you have been an Other Woman in an affair for however long does not mean your thoughts and analysis is applicable to my own situation. However you feel my wife should be handling this situation doesn't matter. She is hurt and while it didn't go as far as others, the deception affected her, along with this last email. It's not that I don't wish to hear what you have to say, but you seem to have strict parameters around what is and isn't an affair and who should be hurt, for how long, and so forth and I disagree due to my personal experiences. This is getting off of topic. 3
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