hamilton23 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on my wife. I am the f*cking biggest idiot-a**hole in the world. It has been about four months since I disclosed to her my affair and it, of course, has been a rocky road. She kicked me out, but after about a month, graciously allowed me back home. I have been as open and transparent as I can with my wife, allowing her to see any emails and texts I receive, and so forth. I am affectionate and loving to her as often as possible. I am also as reassuring of my love to her and only her as well as my recommitment to her. Recently, my wife received a very nasty, vile email from the ex-OW with many hurtful things written in it about us, many of them being lies. I feel like this has thrown a monkey-wrench in us trying to reconcile and I am at a loss. Ever since the email, I feel like we are back at square one at times. Is there anything I can do to help my wife cope? I am working as hard as I can to make it up to my wife and prove to her that I am deserving of another chance, and it kills me inside to know that I could do this to her. I reassure her of my love to her. Please, if you have any advice on how to help my wife after this email, I am all ears. Thank you.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on my wife. I am the f*cking biggest idiot-a**hole in the world. It has been about four months since I disclosed to her my affair and it, of course, has been a rocky road. She kicked me out, but after about a month, graciously allowed me back home. I have been as open and transparent as I can with my wife, allowing her to see any emails and texts I receive, and so forth. I am affectionate and loving to her as often as possible. I am also as reassuring of my love to her and only her as well as my recommitment to her. Recently, my wife received a very nasty, vile email from the ex-OW with many hurtful things written in it about us, many of them being lies. I feel like this has thrown a monkey-wrench in us trying to reconcile and I am at a loss. Ever since the email, I feel like we are back at square one at times. Is there anything I can do to help my wife cope? I am working as hard as I can to make it up to my wife and prove to her that I am deserving of another chance, and it kills me inside to know that I could do this to her. I reassure her of my love to her. Please, if you have any advice on how to help my wife after this email, I am all ears. Thank you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I am both a FOW and a BS so I have some idea of how your wife feels and I can understand the feelings of your xow. I guess this first thing to consider is how did the affair come to light? Was it discovered by her or did you just confess? The ow - why is she able to email your wife? Does she know her? We're there some things in that email that WERE true and you haven't disclosed to your wife yet? If that is the case, you need to come fully clean right now - you need to let her ask questions and be completely honest because I am telling you somehow it will all come out and trickle truth is the worst. The reason why I say this is in the first few months afterwards when my xom threw me under the bus, I had some things I had kept secret - the love letters he had written me, some voice mails, etc. I thought I kept them for comfort initially, but when I began to be seen as the "seductress" and he was allowing people to think that way, I brought the letters out because I wanted my husband to see where I was operating from and also I gave them to his wife because I was tired of being blamed for the entire thing. No one could deny what was written and his bw knew they were written by him because she had discovered emails before. Anyway - that's just an example of how things will and can come out later and it can be damaging because just when you think you have all of the truth, something else pops up. The other question is why does the ow have the ability to communicate with either of you? Right now she shouldn't have access to you via email, text, phone, etc. I would encourage you to block any avenue that she can get in touch with you. Get the truth out completely and then you can truly begin to recover.
Steadfast Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Ever since the email, I feel like we are back at square one at times. Is there anything I can do to help my wife cope? I am working as hard as I can to make it up to my wife and prove to her that I am deserving of another chance, and it kills me inside to know that I could do this to her. I reassure her of my love to her. Don't be shocked about residual fallout. Knowing the OW is full of venom, you have only yourself to blame. She was sleeping with another woman's husband; do you think she has any reservations firing off an angry email? The key here isn't your wife's reaction, it's yours. I imagine your wife is much more interested in the OW's ability to pull your strings than any written words, true or not. To your wife, an angry reaction by you is an indicator that you still retain feelings for her. Showing your wife that she can't 'push your buttons' will go a long way in proving you're sincere. You didn't get into the affair overnight, and you won't back out of it quickly either. The key to retaining trust is consistency. Continual apologies might take you back to 'square one' quicker than the ramblings of a scorned woman. Your wife needs to see less drama and more indifference. Healing will come quicker and more profoundly when the competitive strain ends. 1
ComingInHot Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Hamilton, This is exactly how exOW treated me! She is the one who told me of the A almost a year after My H ended it w/her. He felt/feels the same way you do only Never wanted me to find out and think less of him, D him or hate him. exOW continued to email me after I forgave her and asked her to leave me alone. She seemed More angry w/me than him. After sporatic emails over about two years (she apparently kept remembering things she felt I Needed to know... some true some lies some mixed) my H FINALLY realized we'd Never fully recover until he ACTED, as in started Protecting me from this hurt, Angry, jealous, near dangerous and Unstable woman. H obtained attorney, told him Everything, showed him evidence so a proper cease/desist letter could be written explaining any future contact w/either of us would result in a RO. He filed letter w/authorities. Another Eight months later we had to estate the RO. It was NOT Until my H began PROTECTING me that I began to feel safe to truly R. Every contact this exOW made set me, us, our M & family back to square one!!! Hamilton, What are you doing to PROTECT Your Wife from the woman you had sex w/and dumped and then made angry through all of Your lies to her, in order for Your Wife to feel safe in Reconciling w/You?? Do NOT let some angry, mean spiteful woman who you Used, do ANYTHING to Your Wife!! You both have done enough harm to her by cheating. Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to legally keep exOW out of your lives & M. If you truly want her gone that it... 3
Author hamilton23 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Maybe my first post was not clear enough, so I apologize & will try to be more clear: I confessed the affair to my wife. The guilt was weighing on me like a billion tons of bricks and I needed to tell her. She deserved to know. I think that's part of why she is giving me another chance. The email came from an anonymous account. OW's other email/phones have been blocked, actually, they were blocked the day I confessed. So this is why she was able to get a hold of my wife, this was a new account (and it has since been blocked). The email was sent to my wife's business email, since it is rather public. The email did not say anything that my wife didn't know already. That's why I said it was vile/nasty, because a lot of the email attacked my wife with hurtful things or had complete lies in it. I hope that helps to clear things up. Thank you lilmisscantbewrong, Forum_Lurker, Steadfast, ComingInHot & strongernow65 for the help so far. It is very appreciated. 2
ComingInHot Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Anyway... regardless of how exOW is still involving herself, WHAT Steps are You making to PROTECT YOUR Wife?! Have you put on your man pants and firmly told exOW to stop further contact OR you will respond w/legal recourse?! By the way TheOW, if you RE-read my post, I did NOT bash exOW. In fact I clearly stated, it was HAMILTON'S behavior that hurt, made angry etc the exOW w/all of His lies... I GET that. That's why I didn't blame exOW for being hurt and angry BUT what the AP chooses to do and behave AFTER the truth is revealed is soley on the AP. There is NEVER a need to lash out and try to URTHER hurt the innocents dragged into their spouse's A! The exOW should be yelling and screaming at themselves & the WS if they are upset. Not the BS. 4
wanting more Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 In no way am I condoning what the OW is doing. It's ugly and hateful. BUT to the OP, During the A, what did you tell OW about the R you had with her? How long did it last? Did you tell her you would leave your M for her? How did it end? It's easy to sit and bash the OW (some more than others) but you don't know what was said between OP and OW. 2
2sure Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Affairs are expected to remain secret and to end. Unless a different conversation has been had. If it hasn't, for OW to contact his wife with lies and to be be nasty is bunny boiler behavior. That's the risk you accept when you invite someone secretly into your life. 3
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Wow. To ComingInHot: Yes, I blocked all of the accounts/phones that I knew she had. Up until she made the new email acct. I had all avenues blocked. Then when she sent the new email, on a different account, I blocked that as well. Wanting More: No, I did not tell her that I would leave my marriage for her. It was never sexually physical (for those who assume it was), the most we did was make out a lot. Of course, I know that did not make it any better. I did tell her that I was falling for her, because at the time, that is how it felt, but I didn't say any ILYs, etc. My problem is that up until the email, we had been making strides in the reconciliation department. It was going well, of course there were bumps in the road, but things seemed to be getting better. Then OW emails MY WIFE with a horrible email and it goes downhill. She could have emailed me the nastiest, horrible message and that would be understandable, but after asking for no more contact, she goes to my wife. I just want to help my wife heal from the email as best as she can, along with my infidelity in general, if that makes sense. Please understand I am not blaming the OW for my affair, certainly not my wife. I had the affair, me. And to 2sure, yes you are completely right. When in an affair you never think about the outcome and how people will act, but yes, this is exactly what you invite. Thank you for any help. 1
HopingAgain Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 During my early, more vindictive days as a BS, I would have suggested "accidentally" calling OW and letting her hear you and your wife having wild, monkey sex. That would definitely shut her down, but I'm sure you want a more mature approach to end this mess. You can hire an attorney and send a cease and desist.letter, file for a restraining order, block all methods of communication, change numbers and emails. The OW wants attention, even if its negative. Blocking her access into you and your wifes life and ignoring her from here on out will send a clear message to.her wacko self that its OVER. Above all, continue the openess and transparency with your wife. Good luck, you sound like a truly remorseful WH and I hope you and your wife recover well and go on to be very happy. 1
wanting more Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You do sound like a very remorseful WS. Id suggest sending her an email letting her know it will be the last contact you and your wife will ever have with her, tell her you saw the email she sent your wife. Tell her the A was a mistake, you love your wife and you're working on your M. Make it very clear that there is to be NC or you will contact your attorney. This next part is my own opinion as an xOW (and I know a lot of people don't agree). Apologize for ever getting her involved. That's what I wanted to hear. I didn't want to feel as though he threw me away like last weeks garbage. I just wanted an apology. It wouldn't have made me think we would continue the A, it wouldn't have made me "love" him because he apologized. It would've made me see it was a mistake. It would have made me not hate him as much as I do. (my A was a long A, lots of lies, lits of false ILYs, so again this is just MY opinion) I'm assuming she wasn't this "crazy" person then that she's acting like now, maybe she just needs to hear you also tell her you're sorry for getting involved.
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the advice, I will talk to my wife about sending one more no contact email/letter. About the apology: I don't know if I should. I know that makes me sound like a d-bag, and yes, at the time I was, but at this moment in time, I'm worried that will not stop the communication line, only further it. I know that you said that for you it wouldn't make you want to continue, but I'm not so sure about the OW in my case, is all. I've already written to her that the affair was a huge mess up in choices for me and I wished her well. I will say that because I am angry at her (for sending my wife the email), I won't apologize for anything I didn't do. I won't apologize for her choosing to have an affair with me, or leading her on (because I didn't), or anything like that. So that would be out of the question if I were to even think about writing one up. Edited June 24, 2013 by hamilton23 1
wanting more Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 And that's why I said its my opinion. I don't know you or your xOW. Only speaking from my opinion and experience. Maybe the email from you and your wife may get her to realize things are over and you're reconciling. Best of luck to you and your wife. As I said i don't condone a person getting this vengeful and hateful. Although I did think about it when my A ended, it wasn't something I was going to go thru with. and I had all the promises from him telling me we'd be together. At least you never led her on. Just curious, how long did your A last?
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you, and yes I understand that it was only your opinion. I hope I did not offend you with what I wrote, I did not mean to. The affair was less than a year long.
wanting more Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Thank you, and yes I understand that it was only your opinion. I hope I did not offend you with what I wrote, I did not mean to. The affair was less than a year long. You did not offend me at all I remember the different stages of my A. The end was a horrible end. My xMM just left, after placing the entire blame on me for the A. There was no goodbye, no im sorry, no it was a mistake. Nothing. (until recently when he tried to get in contact with me after 6 months NC) I guess I just look at it from the OW point of view. Assuming she is not really crazy, maybe heart broken, a firm goodbye, this is over, don't contact my wife or I again may (hopefully) make her realize it's done and stay away.
LilGirlandOW Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I'm replying as the OW, I suggest a face to face meeting with xOW, you definetly owe her that, there is a great chance she fell in love with you and is devestated right now, ans no closure is driving her bat **** crazy. As the OW this is my biggest fear, one day I'm just a blocked phone number,,, that would destroy me, just a thought.. i can guarantee its what she needs and deserves an A is still a R 1
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Please remember that it has been about 4 months. She has had closure, I ended it with her-- face-to-face before telling my wife. I have also sent two NC/closure emails. I will not be having a face to face meeting with her, I've already established that I do not want any more contact and doing so would be disrespectful to my wife/our reconciliation. That's out of the question. I don't know that I owe her anything that I haven't given her. I have been very kind with the NC letters, etc. I have wished her well, and that is as far as I go. I am not highly concerned with OW anymore/right now, only in the terms of her sending that email. I hope you understand that I am not trying to be rude or an a**, just honest about what I'm thinking right now. I am much more concerned with how to help my wife heal from the email/my infidelity. Strongernow65, I am definitely as reassuring of my love for her as I can be, I love her dearly (yes... I know, I should have showed her that), and am looking for those who have been in her place that can offer advice as to what you think I should do, if there is something I haven't already. Thanks so much for the applicable advice! 2
Spark1111 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Please remember that it has been about 4 months. She has had closure, I ended it with her-- face-to-face before telling my wife. I have also sent two NC/closure emails. I will not be having a face to face meeting with her, I've already established that I do not want any more contact and doing so would be disrespectful to my wife/our reconciliation. That's out of the question. I don't know that I owe her anything that I haven't given her. I have been very kind with the NC letters, etc. I have wished her well, and that is as far as I go. I am not highly concerned with OW anymore/right now, only in the terms of her sending that email. I hope you understand that I am not trying to be rude or an a**, just honest about what I'm thinking right now. I am much more concerned with how to help my wife heal from the email/my infidelity. Strongernow65, I am definitely as reassuring of my love for her as I can be, I love her dearly (yes... I know, I should have showed her that), and am looking for those who have been in her place that can offer advice as to what you think I should do, if there is something I haven't already. Thanks so much for the applicable advice! Read the article pinned at the top of this forum, What Every Wondering Spouse Needs to Know. read it together with your wife and discuss it. Discuss everything. Your OW is not owed closure, BUT if you think closure would help her stop contacting your wife, then BOTH you and your wife meet her publicly. perhaps your NC letters were too kind? Did you let her down too gently? Idk....a couple of kisses and she's trying to still hurt your wife? That sounds mentally unstable to me. be careful here. Not only did my H have an affair, he too chose someone very unstable who seemed to hate my guts. It was just one more reason for me to lose respect for him as in that woman? You risked us for that woman? 1
Author hamilton23 Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 I will read the pin, thank you. The thing is that she before she sent the email, she hadn't tried to contact me for a while. I don't know if closure will help her understand/move on, but it is another thing to talk to my wife about, I guess. I don't think my letter were too kind, they were pretty stoic/emotionless, aside from wishing her well. When I ended it in person, I was the same way. Yeah, it does sound unstable. It's wild that she is acting like this. During the affair, she didn't appear this way, but affairs will do that to someone. Your last sentiment, yeah, I mentally bang my head against the wall for ever risking my marriage for anyone. Losing her trust, respect, part of her heart is the price I pay and it sucks but I am trying to work on it. I will try to keep this thread updated for those interested or in case I need more advice, but for now I will go with the advice given so far.
ComingInHot Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Hamilton, I actually read your posts and recall former topics where the WS "loved/liked/was excited by" the exOW. The end came and the WS Still had feelings of "love/like/excited by/hate/anger...". The goal, which I discern you are already on the way to is indifference. When there is NO feeling left aside from "what a mistake" thought occasionally, is when the WS has truly moved on.* The issue here is, the exOW is trying Very hard to NOT let you "forget" her. She is aware that you love your Wife. She is conscious you Don't want her. She is still "feeling" for You. You Told her You were falling for her. She is clinging to that or was. Now she is pi**ed that you are dumping her and she feels it isn't fair. Why should You get to go on w/your "perfectly happy" life while she is left feeling what she does?! I'm writing this to let you know that until you stand Strong & United w/your W or exOW gets to her own "indifference" stage, things are Not over, for her... A simple formal cease/desist letter by a legal representative will ensure: -your W is protected -exOW will think twice before contacting either of you -you can have peace of mind knowing You did right by your W and M -All three of you can move forward much quicker Yes. please keep us posted* 1
janedoe67 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I am saying this as a woman who had cheated more than once..... The thing that defines us is the way we live, so yes, people who are living in betrayal ARE lying, dishonest, dare I say pretty bad people. If you are now living in honesty then just keep doing that and yes, do your best to protect your wife. Send this OW who is still living in deceit and anger a message with your wife's knowledge that this WILL stop or legal action will be taken. Just like a spouse who is cheating on their spouse really doesn't have much moral high ground to stand on, neither does a person who is cheating WITH another person's spouse. let's just call a spade a spade at least. 1
wanting more Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 You said your A was less than a year. But how long we're you involved in the A with the OW?
underwater2010 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I would continue to apologize to your WIFE and keep stating how much you f'ed up. Let her know that you are hurting because she is hurting. I would also let her send an angry response to the OW. You need to stay NC till the bitter end. This is part of the fallout and isn't it amazing how much pain it continues to bring. Hang in there. You have a long way to go.
underwater2010 Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) I'm replying as the OW, I suggest a face to face meeting with xOW, you definetly owe her that, there is a great chance she fell in love with you and is devestated right now, ans no closure is driving her bat **** crazy. As the OW this is my biggest fear, one day I'm just a blocked phone number,,, that would destroy me, just a thought.. i can guarantee its what she needs and deserves an A is still a R He does not owe her <anything>. She got exactly what she deserved....face to face goodbye and its over. The door to the affair was closed and she was aware of it. She did not just get the silent treatment as the end. Edited June 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off-topic and non-compliant language redacted 1
2sunny Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I made the biggest mistake of my life by cheating on my wife. I am the f*cking biggest idiot-a**hole in the world. It has been about four months since I disclosed to her my affair and it, of course, has been a rocky road. She kicked me out, but after about a month, graciously allowed me back home. I have been as open and transparent as I can with my wife, allowing her to see any emails and texts I receive, and so forth. I am affectionate and loving to her as often as possible. I am also as reassuring of my love to her and only her as well as my recommitment to her. Recently, my wife received a very nasty, vile email from the ex-OW with many hurtful things written in it about us, many of them being lies. I feel like this has thrown a monkey-wrench in us trying to reconcile and I am at a loss. Ever since the email, I feel like we are back at square one at times. Is there anything I can do to help my wife cope? I am working as hard as I can to make it up to my wife and prove to her that I am deserving of another chance, and it kills me inside to know that I could do this to her. I reassure her of my love to her. Please, if you have any advice on how to help my wife after this email, I am all ears. Thank you. Maybe my first post was not clear enough, so I apologize & will try to be more clear: I confessed the affair to my wife. The guilt was weighing on me like a billion tons of bricks and I needed to tell her. She deserved to know. I think that's part of why she is giving me another chance. The email came from an anonymous account. OW's other email/phones have been blocked, actually, they were blocked the day I confessed. So this is why she was able to get a hold of my wife, this was a new account (and it has since been blocked). The email was sent to my wife's business email, since it is rather public. The email did not say anything that my wife didn't know already. That's why I said it was vile/nasty, because a lot of the email attacked my wife with hurtful things or had complete lies in it. I hope that helps to clear things up. Thank you lilmisscantbewrong, Forum_Lurker, Steadfast, ComingInHot & strongernow65 for the help so far. It is very appreciated. First you say the email was all lies. Then you say it wasn't anything you hadn't already told your wife. So which is it? If you have a habit of moving your truth when it's convenient - you will never earn your wife's trust back. I'm not assuming either way - just asking for clarity. Have you been completely honest with your wife about everything? 1
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