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Potential... and not putting all your eggs in ONE basket during the pre-dating stage

Teknoe

By Teknoe
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Teknoe Established Member

Teknoe

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For the first time in my life, there are two girls that I am intrigued by and interested in. However, the interest level is a healthy one, and not the sort of infatuation "all eggs in one basket" type that I have fallen prone to doing the last 15 years of my life.

 

And, it feels good!

 

I'm not saying or advocating being a player, but in the pre-dating stages, there's nothing wrong with keeping your options open, your eyes open and playing the field a bit to see which connections click best.

 

Right now I got a real life friend that is showing me signs of interest, and I got a girl on an online dating website that has been communicating back and forth with me. Both of them are cuties. Both of them are the kind of girls I could see myself being with. But I am not infatuated with either one. I think this is actually a good thing because when I get infatuated, 99% of the times I just get WAAAAY too intense for the poor girl I'm crushing on.

 

So that hasn't worked, obviously, for me.

 

So we'll see how this method works instead. Can't be any worse!

 

I am starting to realize the value of nonchalance, as many have advocated me to do in the past. i.e. CHILL! I get too intense for girls I like, and take things too fast or too seriously. I just need to learn how to relax, lol.

 

edit: these 2 girls are helping me BIG time to get over a girl friend I had a MASSIVE crush on, but who was TAKEN! That was messy lol. Single cute girls who show interest back in you = FTW!

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musemaj11 Established Member

musemaj11

Posted
Posted

A man can put his eggs in as many baskets as he wants as long as he can afford it.

 

Most men put it all in one basket because either they dont have any other options anyway or they cant afford more than one basket. Dating is mighty expensive for a man as you should already know.

Els Established Member

Els

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Sounds good, Teknoe. :)

 

IMO, though, sometimes you do need to take risks if you want to get what you want. It's great to keep a steady foot through the early stages, but when someone has proven that they are reciprocating, and you genuinely are interested in them, don't pull back out of fear of what may happen.

 

But otherwise, I think it's good that you're taking a more relaxed approach.

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Teknoe Established Member

Teknoe

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IMO, though, sometimes you do need to take risks if you want to get what you want. It's great to keep a steady foot through the early stages, but when someone has proven that they are reciprocating, and you genuinely are interested in them, don't pull back out of fear of what may happen.

 

True! Agreed with that.

 

We'll see how the future pans out :)

 

One thing is for sure... I'm healing from the last crush episode, and these two girls have helped a lot.

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Teknoe Established Member

Teknoe

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Well, things tanked rather fast, heh.

 

Just when I thought I had 2 potentials and things were getting exciting...

 

1. One showed little interest today

 

2. The online dating girl just told me she got a job offer 8 hours away from where I live... so damn.

 

Pretty much both girls are closed now. I feel a bit sad, especially since the taken girl (my last SERIOUS crush) I seemed to get along SO WELL with... and then it kind of just fizzled out. I probably had the best chance with her, in terms of mutual attraction/chemistry, but she was taken.

 

Sigh... why is it so hard to find the right one, and everything lines up? i.e. they're single, they dig you back, chemistry, personality, looks, etc.

 

I've only had it once in my life, and that was nearly 10 years ago. Maybe this is a sign that I need to learn how to be happy on my own first, like, truly happy. I dunno. Wish I could turn my brain off to it but it's hard to do so.

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted
Well, things tanked rather fast, heh.

 

Just when I thought I had 2 potentials and things were getting exciting...

 

1. One showed little interest today

 

2. The online dating girl just told me she got a job offer 8 hours away from where I live... so damn.

 

Pretty much both girls are closed now. I feel a bit sad, especially since the taken girl (my last SERIOUS crush) I seemed to get along SO WELL with... and then it kind of just fizzled out. I probably had the best chance with her, in terms of mutual attraction/chemistry, but she was taken.

 

Sigh... why is it so hard to find the right one, and everything lines up? i.e. they're single, they dig you back, chemistry, personality, looks, etc.

 

I've only had it once in my life, and that was nearly 10 years ago. Maybe this is a sign that I need to learn how to be happy on my own first, like, truly happy. I dunno. Wish I could turn my brain off to it but it's hard to do so.

 

That's a long time ago.

 

Maybe you can assess what it is that is holding you back. For me, it's looks. There's tons of women I find attractive (and I mean TONS) that seem pretty decent personality wise that I would like to get to know better. But mostly, I'm dead in the water before I can even get to know them. So, I need to find a woman to give me a chance first.

 

Sometimes, if you go in the reverse order and try and establish the connection first, it's not an optimal process.

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Teknoe Established Member

Teknoe

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That's a long time ago.

 

Maybe you can assess what it is that is holding you back.

 

I friend zone myself waaaaay too much. I move too slowly when I like a girl, and I also get too intense. Most cannot handle it. I'm not ugly but I'm not handsome either. I am average maybe above average depending on what I wear.

 

Anyway, I might have short changed myself with that real life girl. We just spoke for about an hour and connected pretty well. Turns out she is an introvert and was just too damn sleepy. It makes sense. I didn't notice before how awkward she is around groups of people. Somehow, it makes me feel more masculine lol. I've come to the conclusion that I will never ever understand the opposite sex, lol.

TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted
I friend zone myself waaaaay too much. I move too slowly when I like a girl, and I also get too intense. Most cannot handle it. I'm not ugly but I'm not handsome either. I am average maybe above average depending on what I wear.

 

Anyway, I might have short changed myself with that real life girl. We just spoke for about an hour and connected pretty well. Turns out she is an introvert and was just too damn sleepy. It makes sense. I didn't notice before how awkward she is around groups of people. Somehow, it makes me feel more masculine lol. I've come to the conclusion that I will never ever understand the opposite sex, lol.

 

What has your experience been with OLD?

 

I've met some nice women through OLD, but I've largely found it to be inefficient. To the point I do not do it any longer. My rate for talking to eligible women increased, but since my goal is a relationship hopefully leading to marriage (I am pretty sure you and I are both Christian guys that don't want to waste a bunch of time dating women that don't know what they want) the amount of flaking and game playing undermines my goal. I guess for me, I would not take OLD too seriously or use it as a barometer for your value as an eligible bachelor. What do you think?

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Well, things tanked rather fast, heh.

 

Just when I thought I had 2 potentials and things were getting exciting...

 

1. One showed little interest today

 

2. The online dating girl just told me she got a job offer 8 hours away from where I live... so damn.

 

Pretty much both girls are closed now. I feel a bit sad, especially since the taken girl (my last SERIOUS crush) I seemed to get along SO WELL with... and then it kind of just fizzled out. I probably had the best chance with her, in terms of mutual attraction/chemistry, but she was taken.

 

Sigh... why is it so hard to find the right one, and everything lines up? i.e. they're single, they dig you back, chemistry, personality, looks, etc.

I've only had it once in my life, and that was nearly 10 years ago. Maybe this is a sign that I need to learn how to be happy on my own first, like, truly happy. I dunno. Wish I could turn my brain off to it but it's hard to do so.

 

IMO, re: the bolded, it really is a rare find. That's why Rs that last are relatively few and far in between.

 

I do think everyone needs to be capable of being happy on their own, because even when you do find such a person, there is no possible way of guaranteeing that they'll be around forever. But I also think that some people tend to overdo the 'many fish in the sea' thing. Sure there are many, but that's like the fact that there are billions of keys in the world. Not all of them are going to fit your keyhole, and trying to twist just any one to fit typically isn't going to end up well.

 

But I digress. :) My point is that I think your experience is normal, at least based on my own. Someday you'll find someone like that again, and when that time comes, you'll be in a much better position to maintain the R for the long-term, than you were 10 years ago.

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TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted
IMO, re: the bolded, it really is a rare find. That's why Rs that last are relatively few and far in between.

 

I do think everyone needs to be capable of being happy on their own, because even when you do find such a person, there is no possible way of guaranteeing that they'll be around forever. But I also think that some people tend to overdo the 'many fish in the sea' thing. Sure there are many, but that's like the fact that there are billions of keys in the world. Not all of them are going to fit your keyhole, and trying to twist just any one to fit typically isn't going to end up well.

 

But I digress. :) My point is that I think your experience is normal, at least based on my own. Someday you'll find someone like that again, and when that time comes, you'll be in a much better position to maintain the R for the long-term, than you were 10 years ago.

 

Great perspective! Thanks for sharing.

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Teknoe Established Member

Teknoe

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What has your experience been with OLD?

 

I've met some nice women through OLD, but I've largely found it to be inefficient. To the point I do not do it any longer. My rate for talking to eligible women increased, but since my goal is a relationship hopefully leading to marriage (I am pretty sure you and I are both Christian guys that don't want to waste a bunch of time dating women that don't know what they want) the amount of flaking and game playing undermines my goal. I guess for me, I would not take OLD too seriously or use it as a barometer for your value as an eligible bachelor. What do you think?

 

Not too favorable. Met one girl off PlentyofFish in 2010... we actually became great friends.... I made a giant thread about her in the Friendship section. When I realized I like LIKE her, it was too late she already got a BF. Now they're set to marry.

 

My ex I actually met on the old Xanga blog ring. So yeah we met online, we just had a click/connection and boy was she cute to boot. It was win win but I was 20/21 and she was 18/19... very low chance it would have worked out for the long term.

 

Been on eHarmony for like 9 months now and have had one initiate contact with me, which I declined after 1 round of communication, and I've initiated with maybe 8 different girls. Only one responded back so far and that got to stage 4 email communication. However, it's hitting me that 1). she really isn't my type and 2). she's moving 8 hours away anyway so it's all a moot point. blessing in disguise as i won't have to turn her down for personal reasons, I can just cite LDR don't work for me and leave it at that.

 

@ Els, thanks for the encouragement. Unfortunately, all around me I know people getting into relationships left and right. No one I know has gone on 9 years single now. Even though I know I've had my run of bad luck, it's still discouraging even if people tell you it's normal. I make girls laugh. They like my sensitive spirit. They like my quick wit. But they only like my shoulder to cry on. I suppose there are a few suitors right now who wouldn't mind dating me (in fact I sort of rejected one the other night -- no attraction to her whatsoever and I've known her since 2006)... they just don't lift my pulse in the least.

 

Finding that right combination has been difficult. The taken girl I crushed on... was probably the strongest "romantic possibility" connection I had, but of course, she was taken and even though she left many windows open for me to make my move, I never had the guts or could will myself to do it out of fear and principle. Now we're on this funky break, or rather, she is MIA for the 6th time. She might be tired of reaching out and getting "friendly Tek" instead of "manly in pursuit Tek" which I just can't be until she breaks it off with him.

 

I could have told her I'd date her if she were single but I don't want to be an influence in the least as well.

 

I am trying to hold onto hope that God has someone special for me that will rock my socks more than this taken girl did (which, blows my mind thinking about, because she and I were very close at one point last month and I felt there was this real live palpable energy between us).

 

I trust that it's worth the wait. I believe God will fulfill His promises. Not because He owes me, but because I believe I was called to a non-bachelor life... it will be on His timing though.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

@ Els, thanks for the encouragement. Unfortunately, all around me I know people getting into relationships left and right. No one I know has gone on 9 years single now. Even though I know I've had my run of bad luck, it's still discouraging even if people tell you it's normal. I make girls laugh. They like my sensitive spirit. They like my quick wit. But they only like my shoulder to cry on. I suppose there are a few suitors right now who wouldn't mind dating me (in fact I sort of rejected one the other night -- no attraction to her whatsoever and I've known her since 2006)... they just don't lift my pulse in the least.

 

Yes, I think some of us find fewer people whom we connect with overall, and we absolutely need that sort of extraordinary connection in order to desire a relationship or even a date with that person. I used to be disheartened about that, but it did make relationships much more straightforward. There was never the 'Do I like him? I'm meh about him, should I continue this? Is he really not into me? Is he playing games?' phase that seemed to plague many of my peers. So even though I've been on fewer first dates than the vast majority of people, the base compatibility/chemistry was always there and feelings were all out in the open even before the date, so dating always led to a LTR (with the exception of one guy I didn't like who bugged me until I agreed to give him a shot - that was awfully stupid of me, but let's not go into that :laugh:). Obviously, not all LTRs last, even (my last two didn't, this is my third), but that's quite a different kettle of fish.

 

It's good that you are not giving in to the temptation of just getting with a girl who's attracted to you just to have someone.

 

Finding that right combination has been difficult. The taken girl I crushed on... was probably the strongest "romantic possibility" connection I had, but of course, she was taken and even though she left many windows open for me to make my move, I never had the guts or could will myself to do it out of fear and principle. Now we're on this funky break, or rather, she is MIA for the 6th time. She might be tired of reaching out and getting "friendly Tek" instead of "manly in pursuit Tek" which I just can't be until she breaks it off with him.

 

I could have told her I'd date her if she were single but I don't want to be an influence in the least as well.

 

I am trying to hold onto hope that God has someone special for me that will rock my socks more than this taken girl did (which, blows my mind thinking about, because she and I were very close at one point last month and I felt there was this real live palpable energy between us).

 

I trust that it's worth the wait. I believe God will fulfill His promises. Not because He owes me, but because I believe I was called to a non-bachelor life... it will be on His timing though.

Can't help you with the spiritual part, but I know it sucks getting over an unrequited crush. Been there, done that. You're doing great, just hold on. :) Edited by Elswyth
Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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I think the title goes without saying. Before you've even gone on a single date with a person, it makes absolutely no sense to make them your sole focus. :o

 

Further, if you're becoming so infatuated with someone from OLD who've you've yet to meet such that you're in danger of putting all your eggs in one basket for them before even meeting, OLD isn't going to be a good fit for you, and you might want to reevaluate why you get so attached before even going out on a single date.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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You should try <a Christian faith-based dating site>. You might have more success there with people who are like-minded. I would also suggest that you need to work on being more aggressive initially in order to spark an interest. If you take it too slow in asking the woman for an actual date, or are too slow in progressing the relationship, she is bound to get bored or lose interest, and she'll get tired of waiting for you to make that move. I know a man who took it very slow with the women he contacted through OLD. One woman actually told him "I'm not getting any younger, and I'm not looking for a penpal, so are we going to make this happen (a date), or do I move on?" Most women would not be bold enough to say this. They would just move on and date others if you are too slow in getting to the first date or advancing the relationship. Women use OLD for dating purposes, so you need to suggest meeting up in your first few Email exchanges. That is what other men are doing, and that is what you are competing with. Guys who take it too slow get left behind.

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Teknoe Established Member

Teknoe

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Further, if you're becoming so infatuated with someone from OLD who've you've yet to meet such that you're in danger of putting all your eggs in one basket for them before even meeting, OLD isn't going to be a good fit for you, and you might want to reevaluate why you get so attached before even going out on a single date.

 

You misinterpreted or misread my posts. The OLD girl I was not infatuated with IN THE LEAST. For me, I have to meet a girl and feel that real life connection. Or, at the very least, have a real palpable connection online that's developed through daily chatting.

 

I was infatuated with a taken girl friend I knew in real life and was meeting regularly in the month of May. Things got too intense.

 

I'm in the process of getting over her.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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Posted
You misinterpreted or misread my posts. The OLD girl I was not infatuated with IN THE LEAST. For me, I have to meet a girl and feel that real life connection. Or, at the very least, have a real palpable connection online that's developed through daily chatting.

 

I was infatuated with a taken girl friend I knew in real life and was meeting regularly in the month of May. Things got too intense.

 

I'm in the process of getting over her.

 

You said:

 

For the first time in my life, there are two girls that I am intrigued by and interested in. However, the interest level is a healthy one, and not the sort of infatuation "all eggs in one basket" type that I have fallen prone to doing the last 15 years of my life.

 

And, it feels good!

 

For the first time in your life, you're not putting your eggs in one basket for someone you've never even been on a date with?

 

My point stands.

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Teknoe Established Member

Teknoe

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You said:

 

For the first time in your life, you're not putting your eggs in one basket for someone you've never even been on a date with?

 

My point stands.

 

 

OK I see what you're saying. What I'm saying is my previous serious crushes were people I connected with in real life and have hung out with.

 

OLD I don't get clingy or attached like I do in real life. Your previous post talked about how I would not do well in OLD if I get attached to girls I have yet to be out on a date with.

 

I fall for girls I spend intimate time with.

And that's for girls I know in real life, who I can see and hang out with.

 

So, the OLD thing you talked about doesn't really apply.

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted
I friend zone myself waaaaay too much. I move too slowly when I like a girl, and I also get too intense. Most cannot handle it. I'm not ugly but I'm not handsome either. I am average maybe above average depending on what I wear.

 

Anyway, I might have short changed myself with that real life girl. We just spoke for about an hour and connected pretty well. Turns out she is an introvert and was just too damn sleepy. It makes sense. I didn't notice before how awkward she is around groups of people. Somehow, it makes me feel more masculine lol. I've come to the conclusion that I will never ever understand the opposite sex, lol.

 

You can't friendzone yourself.

 

You're either there or not. Most times it's within the first several moments of meeting them.

 

There is a slim possibility that if you were completely, completely different in some major ways that she would like you, but kind of a moot point.

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