At the Edge...

[Quick_k]

First time poster, feeling like I'm at the breaking point tonight. Well here's my story:

 

Me and my ex had went out for almost 1 year. I'm 24 and she's 18. Things were always so perfect!! Never once had a fight, not even a serious argument. I always treated her with respect, never once tried to take advantage of her. We were each other firsts real relationships and loves.

 

We had a lot in common despite the age difference. She is really mature, smart, and really truly cares about me. And despite me being 24, I have not have the life you would think of for someone being 24. I was a fat kid and teenager so never had a real girlfriend, I have hypothyroidism which messes with my metabolism, energy, and hormones levels. I don't drink or smoke and neither does she.

 

She was still in high school and lived about 30 mins away from me, so it was mostly a texting relationship, but we saw each other about 1-2 a week. We became best friends, texting each other non stop, and could tell each other ANYTHING. I honestly felt a real connection with her, even right when we first met.

 

So then in late April she started talking to me about our age difference (because Prom was coming up and I couldn't go because of age restrictions.) She actually told me it was bothering her and wasn't sure if she wanted to see me anymore. I think it was mainly her friends rubbing it in that she wouldn't have a date, and maybe just upset I couldn't go. So for about 5 days we weren't together. But we still texted and she evenutally told me she loves me, soooooo much. I was so relieved and was able to be my happy self again with her!

 

Things seemed just as good as ever. But then a little over a month ago, she texted me one morning being really rude, like nothing I have ever seem from her at all. Like when I told her I loved her she said "mhmm." I thought it was maybe her period, I know she had been complaining of cramps a few days before. But then by the end of that night I finally asked what is she trying to say....and she said she just doesn't know if she feels the same anymore I was crushed. I told her she knows how much I care and love her with all my heart, but she said she didn't feel she wanted to be in a relationship right now. I told her I'd give her space if that is what she wanted.

 

Then for the next 5 days she texted me first every afternoon. She had mentioned she was craving sushi, so I asked her if she wanted to go get some on the weekend. She Asked when, and I said anytime. Then she replied "I don't think it's fair we do this to ourselves." I really freaked out and went into clingy mode. Telling her I need her, she is all my motivation in life, my only friend (which is true for the most part) and everything. It just wasn't working, and when I asked is it the age thing, and she got fed up and said "I got to go, Bye." So I really don't know the real reason.

 

So a week went by, and I finally decided to text her. We casually texted for 2 days, so on the 3rd day i asked if I could see her because I have something I need to give her. It was a graduation gift I had gotten for her, a personalized bracelet. She got really upset about it and even threatened to change her number because I was pushing the situation. I got really scared and never wrote back =/

 

That was 3 weeks ago exactly. I have only sent her 1 text since then and that was on graduation day saying how proud I was of her and congratulations. She never responded though.

 

And here I am today. I have lost 20lbs or so because I have no drive or will to eat, sleep, do anything. She really WAS all my motivation. My life was horrible before her, and it's even worse now. I thought she was sent into my life for a reason, I feel like we are soul mates.

 

I don't know if I handled the situation wrong at all, or if she got mad because I haven't contacted her at all except once in the past 3 weeks. Or maybe she just isn't sure what she wants in life since she just graduated. I just find myself crying several times a day, no will to do anything. I just sit at home and talk to my Mom all day about what I can do to get her back.

 

I just don't really get what's going on at all, I know I need to focus on myself, but it's hard when I have such limitations with my Thyroid problem. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression because of this, but I am not taking meds for it. But I also would like to know how I can get her back. I want to text her sometime this week saying hi, how has your summer been or something like that. Or maybe even say sorry for acting so clingy initially. Any help at all would be appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

The age gap is nothing.

I'm 5 years older than my H and there are others on this forum who have similar gaps in age; some more even.

 

The age gap IS an issue when she's still a teenager.

 

Let me break this to you swiftly:

 

Her brain's not finished forming yet: She's not what is colloquially known as 'fully cooked' yet.

 

She's not capable of particular thinking which requires logic, rationale, foresight or calculation.

 

That said, she's young, and in all probability has moved away from you, which for someone of her age, is inevitable. Her tastes, needs, expectations and wishes are going to naturally change, and she's expanding and growing. She needs more life experience and needs to stretch her wings a bit and fly.

 

And commitment to you is far too much for someone of her age, far too soon. And your level of attention is inhibiting, restrictive and is suffocating her.

 

Your dependence on her -

 

I need her, she is all my motivation in life, my only friend (which is true for the most part) and everything.

 

- Is self-inhibiting, destructive and crippling. A person should never be dependent on another person for their personal happiness and validation. That's a dependency that will always 'end in tears'.

 

If you've been diagnosed with clinical depression, you owe it to yourself to take prescribed medication, because this spiral will merely take you deeper and cripple you completely.

 

And listen:

 

You can't get her back.

It's not on you to get her back. You can't do that.

Coming back, is on her.

She walked out, she's got to be the one walking back in.

 

See a doctor for medical support.

Ask for counselling (in depression you may well be given that as a matter of course, anyway).

 

And read the No Contact Guide link in my signature.

You'll see the Guide itself is in the first post.

But the remainder of the thread is equally informative.

[Quick_k]

I guess what I'm really looking for is how should I go about getting her back? I really do WANT her in my life, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Please any advice would be great.

 

I am wondering if I have messed up by not trying to contact her enough :/

[theonlyjuan]

It's the age man. My girlfriend was 19 and I think she just didnt know what she wanted and maybe it all came to soon. Not much you can do really.

 

It's an awkward time in your life where what you do then can really shape your future. Right girl, wrong time.

 

 

I think I think back to when I was 18 I had no idea what I wanted. I used to think I'd be a rock star lol.

[Quick_k]

I mean we have so much in common though, and she IS really mature for her age. Probably more mature than me. And we could always tell each other everything, but it hurts to not know exactly why.

 

I thought about going to where she works and just letting her know I am still hurt over this whole thing because how it ended, and I don't want it to end like this. I want to try and salvage anything I can out of it. I really don't have much of a life besides her. And it hurts because I feel I can never trust anyone again then. We told each other things we have never told anyone before. I just don't see how it can end like this ;(

[TaraMaiden]

I guess what I'm really looking for is how should I go about getting her back? I really do WANT her in my life, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. Please any advice would be great.

 

I am wondering if I have messed up by not trying to contact her enough :/

 

 

I don't know how else to tell you, in a way you'll get:

 

You can't get her back - if that's not what she wants.

 

Listen.

 

This is over, until and unless she says otherwise.

 

The best way yo encourage contact with her, is to drop off her radar, completely.

 

But even if she does re-connect with you, there's very little chance in her doing so with the intention of coming back.

In all probability it would be curiosity coupled with 'an ego feed'.

 

Friend-zoning you.

 

Read - the - Guide.

[theonlyjuan]

Well, be her friend. Be there for her but you run the risk of being used when she needs you.

 

Can you handle knowing about her having new boyfriends, friends etc. she will change a bit by the time she is settled in who she is. You may be able to pick up from where you left off years ago but both of you might have met the one by then.

 

 

She will most likely look back on your relationship and wish she had you back. It's just too early in her life right now. You need to experience the bad before you realise how good you had it in the first place, but you live and learn things about yourself during that period.

 

 

By the time she does realise you might be happy with someone else

[Quick_k]

I don't know how else to tell you, in a way you'll get:

 

You can't get her back - if that's not what she wants.

 

Listen.

 

This is over, until and unless she says otherwise.

 

The best way yo encourage contact with her, is to drop off her radar, completely.

 

But even if she does re-connect with you, there's very little chance in her doing so with the intention of coming back.

In all probability it would be curiosity coupled with 'an ego feed'.

 

Friend-zoning you.

 

Read - the - Guide.

 

 

Idk I have read tons about no contact, but it it really just for you to learn to not care about that person anymore. And I'm sorry to say I'm not at that stage yet. I kind of just want to know will contacting her within the next week or two (be it a simple text or me showing up to where she works asking to talk with me after work) will that ruin any potential chance of us getting back together?

 

I mean it's not like I was going out with someone whom I didn't trust, was cheating on me, or had many fights with....it was just so easy for us.

[Quick_k]

Well, be her friend. Be there for her but you run the risk of being used when she needs you.

 

Can you handle knowing about her having new boyfriends, friends etc. she will change a bit by the time she is settled in who she is. You may be able to pick up from where you left off years ago but both of you might have met the one by then.

 

 

She will most likely look back on your relationship and wish she had you back. It's just too early in her life right now. You need to experience the bad before you realise how good you had it in the first place, but you live and learn things about yourself during that period.

 

 

By the time she does realise you might be happy with someone else

 

 

She wouldn't use me at all, she really isn't like that. The thing is she doesn't want to be friends. I want her to know I still care though, I don't want her to forget about me. How can I reminisce about us if she is trying to make me feel so bad? She knows I have depression.

[TaraMaiden]

Get treatment for it, through a doctor.

Your depression is not her problem.

It's her concern, but she is not obligated to you BECAUSE of it.

 

She's not trying to make you feel bad.

That's your interpretation, and it's your depression making you think that way.....

Your depression is for you to deal with, to control, to handle and to gain medical assistance for.

 

She has made her decision, you can't force her to change it.

 

Please, make an appointment, and see your doctor.

 

Untreated, you're just going to get worse.

[Quick_k]

Get treatment for it, through a doctor.

Your depression is not her problem.

It's her concern, but she is not obligated to you BECAUSE of it.

 

She's not trying to make you feel bad.

That's your interpretation, and it's your depression making you think that way.....

Your depression is for you to deal with, to control, to handle and to gain medical assistance for.

 

She has made her decision, you can't force her to change it.

 

Please, make an appointment, and see your doctor.

 

Untreated, you're just going to get worse.

 

I just don't want to take the medicine because my Endocronologist didn't recommend it while on T3 thyroid medication. The endocrin system is a delcate balance and I don't want to risk messing with that stuff anymore than I have to now.

 

And from something you wrote earlier, yes I have seen a counselor (have to pay out of pocket though because I have no health insurance) She even suggested to me to text her by July 6th on a date to see how/if she responds. I just don't know though if I am going to go through with that....I like to hear all opinions before I put all my eggs in 1 basket.

 

And idk....maybe at that age she is just playing super hard to get?

Edited June 23, 2013 by Quick_k
wanted to add more

[TaraMaiden]

No, believe me, she's not playing hard to get.

 

What she needs is some personal freedom to be able to explore her world.

She's only just blossomed into adulthood. I believe in some states/countries, she's not even a legal 'adult' yet.... she's very young, and you have the march on her. She needs to adjust.

As I've explained, her brain isn't done being pieced together yet, so this is all confusing to her, but she does know, right now, what she DOESN'T want - and that's being pushed into commitment, once and for all.....

 

Discuss medication with your counsellor and a doctor. If you have diagnosed clinical depression, there may be dietary factors you could look at, as options on controlling the depression, including natural supplements...

 

Research different avenues.

For example, many food products we consider to be standard, normal and 'healthy' can actually have a detrimental effect on us.

While i understand you have a thyroid problem, it shouldn't be a brake on any progress. There's always a way.

Always.

[aloneinaz]

Quick,

 

I know you're hurting but YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. You're only going to push her further away if you continue contacting her. You're going to make yourself look further needy and pathetic. Girls are not attracted to that behavior at all.

 

You need to disappear from her life. Don't reply to her texts if she does text you again because she's now curious why you stopped being her little puppy chasing her around.

 

The most important thing you need to do if work on yourself. When you say someone is YOUR LIFE, that's a huge red flag that YOUR life is way out of balance. Take this as an opportunity to work on your depression, build a friend network and the life that you want. A girlfriend should enhance your life, not be your life.

[forgetmenot75]

You are not listening what others are telling you. You need help because you are depressed and somehow you can't see reality.

She is not interested in you, she's probably moved on already, let her alone. Honestly, you don't seem to see reality, you need to get some medical help. It's no good you talk to your mom all the time about how to get her back...wtf? Go out with friends, find some other girl, this one is over already. Move on! C'mon, you're 24, you are young, you'll find another "soul mate".

[forgetmenot75]

She is NOT playing super hard to get. She is just not interested, she doesn't love you anymore, she's probably with someone else right now. You must understand this! It's over, finished, forget about her!!

[Quick_k]

You are not listening what others are telling you. You need help because you are depressed and somehow you can't see reality.

She is not interested in you, she's probably moved on already, let her alone. Honestly, you don't seem to see reality, you need to get some medical help. It's no good you talk to your mom all the time about how to get her back...wtf? Go out with friends, find some other girl, this one is over already. Move on! C'mon, you're 24, you are young, you'll find another "soul mate".

 

 

I don't think you read my whole story. I don't have "any" friends, literally. I'm by myself all day with no one to talk to. And it's not like I am thinking of plans with her 24/7, but I mostly just talk about her. And I have a medical issue which prevents me from doing a lot of things, which I've noticed turns girls off from me from my past experiences.

 

And honestly....what is it nowadays where a guy can't fight for the one he loves?

[TaraMaiden]

'Fight'?

What's to fight?

Who is your 'enemy'?

 

Who is your adversary?

 

what are you fighting for?

You'd need her to be 'on your side'..... and she isn't.

 

First of all, know what it is you're fighting against.

Only then can you arm yourself accordingly....

[Quick_k]

'Fight'?

What's to fight?

Who is your 'enemy'?

 

Who is your adversary?

 

what are you fighting for?

You'd need her to be 'on your side'..... and she isn't.

 

First of all, know what it is you're fighting against.

Only then can you arm yourself accordingly....

 

I'm fighting to show her how much I care and always be there no matter what, that is what should matter in a relationship.

 

I think we need more of this. People nowadays get caught up in this psychology of "no contact" and what not, but if it is something you TRULY want, you have to show them. Maybe that's why so many relationships fail, because BOTH sides give up too easily...

 

I can understand no contact if you do want ton forget them, but if that's not what you want (certainty not I) then you got to take chances.

 

I feel that this no contact crap was originally made up for people to profit money on, 75% of those websites that say it want you to buy a program.

 

Now please, tell me if I am 100% wrong on everything I just said, anyone?

[StrongLass]

I'm fighting to show her how much I care and always be there no matter what, that is what should matter in a relationship.

 

I think we need more of this. People nowadays get caught up in this psychology of "no contact" and what not, but if it is something you TRULY want, you have to show them. Maybe that's why so many relationships fail, because BOTH sides give up too easily...

 

SHE'S ALREADY GIVEN UP so this point is completely invalid. When it comes to romance it takes ALL OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED for it to work.

 

I can understand no contact if you do want ton forget them, but if that's not what you want (certainty not I) then you got to take chances.

 

No. NC is about accepting the REALITY of your situation and then working to improve your life so that your odds of such pain occurring again are reduced.

 

I feel that this no contact crap was originally made up for people to profit money on, 75% of those websites that say it want you to buy a program.

 

I don't know where you've been looking, all the scams I've ever seen are about "Getting Your Ex Back". The NC guide Tara has in her signature is 100% FREE (along with all the other NC stuff myself & others have seen...)

 

Now please, tell me if I am 100% wrong on everything I just said, anyone?

 

You're so wrong it hurts.

 

There.

 

Come at me bro :laugh:

[Sneaky]

You are 100% wrong on everything you just said. You already “fought” you told her whatever you needed to tell her. Don't worry, she got the message, she just did not respond the way you wanted to. It sucks, it hurts, I know because I made the same mistakes. I kept trying to “fight” for my relationship and all it did was push my ex further and further away.

 

Here’s the thing, the relationship is already over, there's nothing to "fight" for since she already ended it. She might come back or she might not. But for now, it’s over and nothing you say is going to change that because she already thought about it a while before ending it. I'm sorry if this is difficult to hear, it was for me as well but there is nothing you are going to say that will make her change her mind and nothing you are going to say will compare to what you think you should have said a few hours later.

 

Messaging her isn't fighting, because sending a message is easy, it’s giving in to what you want. You actually feel better after messaging her, it’s like an addiction. But it’s not fighting. Fighting is respecting her decision, breaking all contact and giving her the space she clearly needs. It hurts and is hard as hell, but it’s the right thing to do.

 

Look, I don’t have anyone to talk to about my breakup either apart from these forums; really, the only thing even remotely connected to it anyone has ever told me was my mum telling me to stop looking sad as it’s not pleasant for her. You don’t have to go out nor have friends to help keep your mind off it and move on, all you need to do is occupy your time.

 

Here’s some things which I’m doing to occupy mine; watching a billion tv shows, reading, working out. Just pick an activity, something you like or liked in the past and start doing that. It also helps to keep a journal, rant and write down what you’re thinking about sending in there instead or even on these forums.

 

I hope this post helps even though it might not be what you want to hear.

[Quick_k]

You are 100% wrong on everything you just said. You already “fought” you told her whatever you needed to tell her. Don't worry, she got the message, she just did not respond the way you wanted to. It sucks, it hurts, I know because I made the same mistakes. I kept trying to “fight” for my relationship and all it did was push my ex further and further away.

 

Here’s the thing, the relationship is already over, there's nothing to "fight" for since she already ended it. She might come back or she might not. But for now, it’s over and nothing you say is going to change that because she already thought about it a while before ending it. I'm sorry if this is difficult to hear, it was for me as well but there is nothing you are going to say that will make her change her mind and nothing you are going to say will compare to what you think you should have said a few hours later.

 

Messaging her isn't fighting, because sending a message is easy, it’s giving in to what you want. You actually feel better after messaging her, it’s like an addiction. But it’s not fighting. Fighting is respecting her decision, breaking all contact and giving her the space she clearly needs. It hurts and is hard as hell, but it’s the right thing to do.

 

Look, I don’t have anyone to talk to about my breakup either apart from these forums; really, the only thing even remotely connected to it anyone has ever told me was my mum telling me to stop looking sad as it’s not pleasant for her. You don’t have to go out nor have friends to help keep your mind off it and move on, all you need to do is occupy your time.

 

Here’s some things which I’m doing to occupy mine; watching a billion tv shows, reading, working out. Just pick an activity, something you like or liked in the past and start doing that. It also helps to keep a journal, rant and write down what you’re thinking about sending in there instead or even on these forums.

 

I hope this post helps even though it might not be what you want to hear.

 

 

Yea but that was within the first 10 days of the breakup, feelings and emotions were still a little raw.

 

I mean really, why would it be bad to go see her in person and tell her I am not ok with how things went down between us, and that I'm still hurting?

[Quick_k]

I think I am going to try texting her today, just to see how her summer is going...

[TaraMaiden]

And you'll cling to the response (if there is one) with the natural hope and desperation of one who refuses to accept the free (there it is again - that word, "FREE", gratis, no-charge, no scam, no get-rich-quick scheme on my part....) and extremely good, logical and effective advice that EVERYONE is giving you.

 

I haven't seen ONE - SINGLE - Person on here come in and support your stance. Not a one.

 

Ask yourself why that is.

Why, of all the people who have either looked at your thread, (335 hits so far) and not responded, or out of all the people who have - why, not a single solitary person has patted you on the back and said "Yay! Good idea! Go for it!!"

 

Why?

 

I'll tell you why.

 

Because everyone responding to you - knows what you're going through.

They've been there, done that.

They understand your PoV.

 

But they already know, through long and bitter experience, that what you're doing is going about this the completely wrong way.

 

They know you're just hitting your head against a wall, and that the pain won't stop, until you do.

 

It's not going to work.

 

Leave.

Her.

Alone.

 

Read the No ContactLink in my signature.

 

There is no ulterior motive to this guide, other than to help you heal, and move on.

 

It's not designed to make you not care.

It's not designed to make you forget.

It's not (above all and everything else) designed to 'help you get your ex back'.

 

None of the above.

 

No Contact is for you, about you and to help you.

 

Listen to us.

 

And don't be a damn stubborn idiot, because that gets you precisely nowhere except back to square one.

[R.C]

Cringe face-palm cringe face-palm cringe face-palm cringe!

Are you listening to how pathetic you sound?? Be the man you used to be! NC is not only so you can get over her, it helps also firstly by allowing yourself time to grieve, and then look at everything OBJECTIVELY. It also allows you to work on your "inner game" if you don't know what that is a simple google search should help you.

 

1.Objectivity+better inner game+getting rid of your neediness = a fighting chance.

2. Matt Hudson's Ex2 System (Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back) buy it torrent it, read it!

3. PUA ever heard of it? It can help a lot with becoming a more attractive mate. Google it!

4.Hobbies find them! Friends make one ones! Martial arts? find one! Anything to show you there is meaning in life other than with her.

5. follow these links! Do exactly as they say EXACTLY!!!!!!!

 

How to Kick Loves Ass - Break Up Help Forum

How To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend

 

regards

R.C

[Sheilalou008]

Nothing about this is a good idea. If she doesn't respond, you will feel like crap. If she does, you will still feel like crap.

 

Leave her be and respect her. This "fight" is just annoying her and pushing her further away. I swear, Tara and everyone else here knows what they are talking about.

 

For now, it is done. Let it go and take care of yourself.