PunkPuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I am in a 7 year relationship, where up until about 6 months ago everything was fine! We are engaged, living together, and planning the future. Now, everything is a complete mess and I'm not sure what to do.... completely head screwed. My OH has been quite ill lately, with personal issues and this has definitely put strain on the relationship in my eyes. He is tackling therapy at the moment an there's nothing more I want to do than be there for him but at the moment I see no way through it. I've recently been speaking to this guy, who I know, but not really well. We went for a drink, as friends, the other week and I had permission all be it my OH thought it a bit weird but he said he was fine with it. Since then the **** has really hit the fan! My OH didnt come home for 4 days after this, as he was reeling about me going and convinced something was going on. We chatted when he finally came home, and I was totally honest that I do maybe have some feelings for this other guy... now, I have said it could be to do with our relationship and its just the excitement but obviously I've screwed things up and broken his heart near enough. I love him to bits, and I want nothing more than a future with him getting married, children, etc.... but something in me just is telling me to go for this other guy. I don't want to make the worst decision of my life but I'm really unsure what to do. My OH didnt come home again last night after a drinking session with friends, and he knows how much it gets to me when he doesn't let me know where he is. All be it of course he is just doing it to wind me up and at a friends! Something about the other guy just really draws me in.... We seem to be quite similar, and he wants to do the same things as me... And I really enjoyed spending time with him and I enjoy speaking to him. I am SO confused. Someone give the reality check I need as I'm pretty much near radged in the head. I'm worried now that things have gone too far for me and my OH to resolve....
TaraMaiden Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Ah dear... the road to infidelity is fraught with obstacles! Wouldn't it be so much easier if we all lived in polyamorous circumstances and were happy with it. You BF's medical condition is obviously not serious enough for him to go out drinking with his buddies on a regular basis... You don't explain very clearly what his illness and issues are. Listen, to be blunt? Cut the crap and ditch him. Frankly,if marriage hasn't happened yet, and you find yourself pulled and attracted to another guy, the 'itch' has set in. And you can't reverse it. Even if you stay with your BF, you'll always wonder. Won't you? Your BF is acting immaturely, in that, having been honest enough with him to admit your feelings are being pulled in two directions, he's now acting like a spoilt and petulant sulk, and hurting you deliberately by doing things to worry you. Clearly, the past 7 years have been insufficient in establishing effective communication skills. He no longer trusts you - knows your emotions have been messed with, and now, can't deal with it all. So he's handling it by turning his back on it, and messing with you. The reality check is this: Your relationship was already strained bu your BF's complications, and then you discovered a further flaw, because you realised, in being attracted to this other guy, that you'd settled for comfort and habit. You can't un-do what's been done, you can't un-learn what you've learnt. The solution, is simple. End your relationship. Implementing it is far more difficult, because it will mean pain. But I see no other way through it or round it, to be honest. 1
Author PunkPuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Thanks for the response..... brutal but honest! He has issues with anxiety, related to problems from childhood hence the therapy. I suppose you are completely right in what you're saying, but I can't help but feel a bit torn. He wanted me to be honest..... I was totally honest and it's backfired. He says all he could imagine in his future was us, and that I have just hurt him like everyone else in his life. I'm such a cow, breaking up will ruin everything we have going on too. All our friends are mutual friends, etc, but that's not a reason. It doesn't help when other people get involved and send the OG messages either......
TaraMaiden Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 You're not his nurse, nor his carer, nor his therapist. That's not your job, and to stay because you feel sorry for the guy is misguided and wrong. His peace of mind and mental health is on his shoulders, not yours. he has to seek and find the right coping mechanism, but it's not your responsibility to cushion him, or wrap him in cotton wool. Break-ups happen. Attractions to other people - happen. In whichever kind of relationship a person may be in, for however long it has existed. It's life, and it is what it is. I seriously doubt 'everyone else' in his life has either hurt him, or done it on purpose. In fact, I'd stake my health on that being a complete lie. Peoples' lives do not revolve around doing things and living lives with the express purpose of making sure it hurts someone else. You didn't do this to hurt him. You did it, because it was there to do, and it happened. He's just scattering BS. That's just guilt-tripping drama designed to make you fee bad. You can't take mutual friends into consideration. That's just making false justifications for staying. It's on a par with "What will the neighbours think?" And I don't really need to point out how daft that is, do I? Some will understand, others won't. Well whoppee-doo, there you go. Lay that aside. What matters is doing the right thing. And sadly, i think you know what that's going to have to be. 1
eleve82 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I'm going to disagree with Tara Maiden not because she doesn't make sense but because really, I don't think there is a right answer. Having a crush on the opposite sex is not uncommon even in relatively happy relationships - what it does attest to is basic human nature that at some point we all find the unknown and unpredictable to be wildly exciting. Most happily married people however, have a certain impulse control that allows them to assess objectively if their partner has the long term qualities they desire. What you need to do is reflect deeply on whether you love your bf enough to want to work through this hiccup. Men generally start running when faced with a difficult situation (hence the all night drinking binge), and he probably feels justified in wanting his space since (frankly) having an emotional attraction to another party is a bigger deal at this point. You need to work out whether you are using this "crush" as an excuse to terminate your relationship or shake things up with your partner. If you unclear, then perhaps you really need to let go to find out what he is worth to you 4
TaraMaiden Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Good points. The trick would be to get him to agree and to comply. I'm wondering, with the issues he has, whether he'd be able to cope with it, or even be willing? In my experience, it's a difficult task....
Inviv_girl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Does your bf and the 7 years relationship meant anything to you compared to your "crush"? 7 years is not a short time for you to just throw that all away for a crush! I think your bf needs some space for the cheating/was just "drinking" you did with another guy. I think it is unfair if you behave that way. He has those health issue and you have to leave him? and make excuses to leave him for going out drinking with another guy to make him pissed. If you are on his shoes you wouldn't like someone treated you that way would you? 1
Author PunkPuffin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Hi guys, Thank you for the responses. I've had today on my own and had a good chat about things with my mum, as you do. I'm still really torn with how I am feeling. In one breath I'm ready to call it all off, and then in the other I'm finding reasons not to call it off. We are spending the night apart tonight, as he wants to have some space away from me. I totally understand this, but I feel like I am being blamed for the whole thing when in reality I feel it is a massive accumulation of things all rolled into one and it has just spiralled out of control. I should never have been interested in someone else....... but..... obviously something just isn't right for me to do that in the first place. This is my first SERIOUS relationship, I'm only 25. We've been together throughout my early 20's, and I don't know whether it is just due to the last few months but I definitely feel like I am missing something. I need some FUN. Cos we sure as hell haven't been doing that of late. Sure, he's okay to have fun and pretend nothing is going on with his friends, but as soon as we get home its all back to normal. He stayed out again last night after a night out..... no word as to where he was until this afternoon, and then it was a "I'm at ......." Blah. I wish I could run away like he does and not tell anyone where I am going, but then again I know we have responsbilities.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Does your bf and the 7 years relationship meant anything to you compared to your "crush"? 7 years is not a short time for you to just throw that all away for a crush! I think your bf needs some space for the cheating/was just "drinking" you did with another guy. I think it is unfair if you behave that way. He has those health issue and you have to leave him? and make excuses to leave him for going out drinking with another guy to make him pissed. If you are on his shoes you wouldn't like someone treated you that way would you? First of all, you seem to be labouring under the delusion that the amount of time they've been together is synonymous with the quality of their relationship. And while seven years of any relationship-be it good or bad-is not easy to just leave, it is possible. Longer relationships than that have ended, and in some cases, it was for the best. Secondly, how in hell's name did you get cheating from that? She had a drink, for crying out loud. She didn't kiss or screw the other guy. Get off your damn soap box, and actually read what the OP put in her post. Third of all, his health issues are more like mental/personality disorders. He's not dying of cancer. Fourth, grow up. Her boyfriend is intentionally trying to rile her up, after he asked her for honesty. You're clearly not mature enough to understand how a relationship works, but I can tell you now, his behaviour will not improve the situation, one iota. As to you, OP: Sit down and have a conversation with your boyfriend. Make it clear he asked you for honesty, and you gave him nothing less than that. Let him know that, just because you may have slight feelings for this other guy, does not mean you were planning on jumping ship. He needs to stop using his "illness" as an excuse for petulant behaviour. If he can't come to terms with things and trust you, then it may be time to part ways. For one, without trust, relationships don't generally work well. For two, if things do pick up a bit more with this guy friend, it would be better to be single, than to find yourself in an affair-in which your boyfriend, if he ever were to find out, will make that further justification for his earlier attitude with you. If you wish to work through your relationship issues, do so. But, if you find that it only worsens with time, then you may need to walk away. As a human being, you have feelings too, and your BF needs to understand it's not just about him.
TaraMaiden Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Hi guys, Thank you for the responses. I've had today on my own and had a good chat about things with my mum, as you do. I'm still really torn with how I am feeling. In one breath I'm ready to call it all off, and then in the other I'm finding reasons not to call it off. We are spending the night apart tonight, as he wants to have some space away from me. I totally understand this, but I feel like I am being blamed for the whole thing when in reality I feel it is a massive accumulation of things all rolled into one and it has just spiralled out of control. I should never have been interested in someone else....... but..... obviously something just isn't right for me to do that in the first place. This is my first SERIOUS relationship, I'm only 25. We've been together throughout my early 20's, and I don't know whether it is just due to the last few months but I definitely feel like I am missing something. I need some FUN. Cos we sure as hell haven't been doing that of late. Sure, he's okay to have fun and pretend nothing is going on with his friends, but as soon as we get home its all back to normal. He stayed out again last night after a night out..... no word as to where he was until this afternoon, and then it was a "I'm at ......." Blah. I wish I could run away like he does and not tell anyone where I am going, but then again I know we have responsbilities. Well, you've changed, evolved, and your tasted have altered considerably since you first hit it off when you were 18. Jeesh, you were barely out of puberty then! Did you know your brain has just about only finished forming and developing, now? So it's no wonder you're feeling confused... All I'm going to say is that purely from my POV, I believe you've outgrown him. You've been with him a long time, and he has a personality disorder. That's a lot for a young lady in her best formative years to have to cope with. I think you need a holiday from this. You need someone without so much baggage, and you need to be able to stretch and 'find yourself'. I know it sounds like a load of New-Age cliché claptrap, but I honestly believe you're only now coming into your own - and this is stifling you. I find it interesting, form his angle, that he disappears off the planet for the night - leaving you worried, concerned, fretting... then he lets you know where he is, by way of a dangling carrot.... does he then expect you to call him, immediately or go get him? What happens then? I know what I would do.....
Author PunkPuffin Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Thanks guys... I am so glad someone sort of sees it from my point of view! I think there is only so much I can take........ due to his health, he has been sleeping downstairs most nights and it is crushing to wake up on my own every morning. I do see it from his point of view if he cannot sleep, etc, but it really is crap. I suppose I am feeling the G.I.G.S at the moment. I'm not sure it is but we will see......... And you're right, I have changed. I feel more independent... I don't need any crap, where is my fun? x 1
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 First of all, you seem to be labouring under the delusion that the amount of time they've been together is synonymous with the quality of their relationship. And while seven years of any relationship-be it good or bad-is not easy to just leave, it is possible. Longer relationships than that have ended, and in some cases, it was for the best. Secondly, how in hell's name did you get cheating from that? She had a drink, for crying out loud. She didn't kiss or screw the other guy. Get off your damn soap box, and actually read what the OP put in her post. Third of all, his health issues are more like mental/personality disorders. He's not dying of cancer. Fourth, grow up. Her boyfriend is intentionally trying to rile her up, after he asked her for honesty. You're clearly not mature enough to understand how a relationship works, but I can tell you now, his behaviour will not improve the situation, one iota. As to you, OP: Sit down and have a conversation with your boyfriend. Make it clear he asked you for honesty, and you gave him nothing less than that. Let him know that, just because you may have slight feelings for this other guy, does not mean you were planning on jumping ship. He needs to stop using his "illness" as an excuse for petulant behaviour. If he can't come to terms with things and trust you, then it may be time to part ways. For one, without trust, relationships don't generally work well. For two, if things do pick up a bit more with this guy friend, it would be better to be single, than to find yourself in an affair-in which your boyfriend, if he ever were to find out, will make that further justification for his earlier attitude with you. If you wish to work through your relationship issues, do so. But, if you find that it only worsens with time, then you may need to walk away. As a human being, you have feelings too, and your BF needs to understand it's not just about him. Duh, its EMOTIONAL cheating, get it? And what do you think thats going to lead to? Lol, its only a drink? Seriously? Guess you would be ok with YOUR significant other "just having a drink with someone THEY were attracted to? Hey, give me her number. Get off YOUR soapbox and go buy a clue. Your response was rude, incorrect, and uncalled for. As to the OP, "measure twice and cut once". Be sure this is what you want, because you cant go home again. 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Thanks guys... I am so glad someone sort of sees it from my point of view! I think there is only so much I can take........ due to his health, he has been sleeping downstairs most nights and it is crushing to wake up on my own every morning. I do see it from his point of view if he cannot sleep, etc, but it really is crap. I suppose I am feeling the G.I.G.S at the moment. I'm not sure it is but we will see......... And you're right, I have changed. I feel more independent... I don't need any crap, where is my fun? x Would I be right in saying that perhaps you checked out of this even before - a good while before - you met this guy? I'm not feeding you a line, I'm seriously asking. Because in order to meet someone other than our SO, who 'floats our boat', the assumption can only be that it was already sinking.... I personally don't see it as GIGS. I honestly perceive it as you just being done with this. It's sapped your energy. You've given it all you can, and received precious little back. He seems to "lean" on his condition as a good excuse for (1) his poor behaviour and (2) not being able to help himself and 'needing' your support. He needs to put his 'big boy' pants on now. And you need to let him. Sticking around, enables his behaviour. While he knows he can tug at your heartstrings, he has you exactly where he wants you. He seems to believe that, metaphorically speaking, if he stamps his foot, and his lower lip juts out and quivers, you'll be there. I may sound harsh and unforgiving, but I have been in close proximity, for a long time, to someone with depression and anxiety, and let me tell you (because their psychiatrist told them the same thing) that in most situations where someone is diagnosed with a mental condition that needs medication and clinical supervision, it's hard to decipher, but often it's 60% - 80% condition, and 40% - 20% manipulation. In other words, they know they're doing it - and they know it brings them results, so in a bizarre way, they 'play' on their own condition. I'm sorry. I'll repeat. you need to be done with this.
Author PunkPuffin Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Would I be right in saying that perhaps you checked out of this even before - a good while before - you met this guy? I'm not feeding you a line, I'm seriously asking. Because in order to meet someone other than our SO, who 'floats our boat', the assumption can only be that it was already sinking.... I personally don't see it as GIGS. I honestly perceive it as you just being done with this. It's sapped your energy. You've given it all you can, and received precious little back. He seems to "lean" on his condition as a good excuse for (1) his poor behaviour and (2) not being able to help himself and 'needing' your support. He needs to put his 'big boy' pants on now. And you need to let him. Sticking around, enables his behaviour. While he knows he can tug at your heartstrings, he has you exactly where he wants you. He seems to believe that, metaphorically speaking, if he stamps his foot, and his lower lip juts out and quivers, you'll be there. I may sound harsh and unforgiving, but I have been in close proximity, for a long time, to someone with depression and anxiety, and let me tell you (because their psychiatrist told them the same thing) that in most situations where someone is diagnosed with a mental condition that needs medication and clinical supervision, it's hard to decipher, but often it's 60% - 80% condition, and 40% - 20% manipulation. In other words, they know they're doing it - and they know it brings them results, so in a bizarre way, they 'play' on their own condition. I'm sorry. I'll repeat. you need to be done with this. Thanks Tara Maiden, you do make sense.... I'm not sure, maybe, and maybe this OG is just an excuse? Ive had people say that this has happened for a reason. The OH is crapping himself now as I stayed out at my parents last night. He is now sending me loads of messages about how we will get through this, and how much he loves me. He even rung me to see if I am ok. I have been given short replies, sometimes not bothering to reply at all. After a very brief phone call he asks "you are leaving me aren't you" to which I responded with neither yes or no, but I would like some time on MY own today.
TaraMaiden Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 No, the OG is not an 'excuse'. The OG is a 'window'. Onto a different existence. The Frog and the Turtle There was once a frog that lived in a shallow well. One day, a turtle was passing by, and it stopped, and asked the frog, "What are you doing there, in that well?" The frog replied, "Why, this is my home! it's wonderful! See how happy I am! Look how well off I am here ! I can hop along the coping of the well when I go out, and rest by a crevice in the bricks on my return. I can wallow to my heart's content with only my head above water, or stroll ankle deep through soft mud. No crabs or tadpoles can compare with me. I am master of the water and lord of this shallow well, What more can a fellow ask ? " Well, the turtle was amazed by this response. So, he began to describe the ocean to the frog. " It's more than a thousand miles across and more than ten thousand feet deep. In ancient times there were floods nine years out of ten yet the water in the ocean never increased. It is vast, glorious, abundant and replete with everything anyone could possibly want! Why, if i were to live for a thousand years, and swim in it every day, I could never explore it, in its entirety! That is why I like to live in the Eastern Ocean! " The frog scoffed, incredulously, and refused to believe such a tale, but after some persuasion, the Turtle managed to convince the frog to leave his well, and accompany him to see the ocean, as proof. Reluctantly, the frog agreed. "Is it far?" he asked, "because I don't want to stray too far from my wonderful home...." "No no!" insisted the turtle. It's just behind this mound of rocks just here!" And when they rounded the rocks, and the frog saw the ocean, he clean fainted away at it's vastness and wondrous beauty..... So you see, the minute he believes you're 'moving away' he becomes clingy, desperate, needy and tries to press your guilt buttons.... The OH is crapping himself now as I stayed out at my parents last night. He is now sending me loads of messages about how we will get through this, and how much he loves me. He even rung me to see if I am ok. I have been given short replies, sometimes not bothering to reply at all. After a very brief phone call he asks "you are leaving me aren't you" to which I responded with neither yes or no, but I would like some time on MY own today. He's sly, manipulative and thinks he knows exactly what he has to do to keep you bouncing on the elastic. Read the NC Guide in my signature. I know it's written from the perspective of the Dumpee, but it contains all the information you need on how to make this as quick, clean and decent as possible. IF - you decide to do what I believe you should do, that is. But honestly? That IS on you.....
R.C Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Wow, where to start, i suppose i would also be sitting on the fence with this one. But lets start, okay so i am sure you have heard of the 7 year itch? I would say take this into consideration. I don't think many couples have a smooth ride to happiness. 7 years IS a long time, i don't care what people say about relationship quality, if 2 people make it work for 7 years, there is clearly some compatibility. Yes people change, but with the amount of Oxytocin you 2 have running through your bodies, leaving each other is going to be incredibly hard, plus those chemicals help us to learn to love each other and grow together. If you 2 split i see chaos. Because either you after sometime will miss the hell out of him (because time will make you remember the good, and your anger will subside) and it sounds like he is already emotionally unstable, so he is likely to act a little crazy and recklessly. I have to disagree with Tara in regards to G.I.G.S i think whenever something new comes around, we all see that as greener grass. You are having problems with someone you clearly have committed to, i think this is the worst possible time you could be having drinks or having "meets" with the opposite sex, because you are incredibly vulnerable at this moment in time. This is another reason i say it could be G.I.G.S because you are searching for a way out. Why don't you and him take a weeks break, write out all your thoughts on a piece of paper. Get together after a week or how ever long you have decided, and lock the door, and agree that you 2 will not leave the room until you come to a way forward. Well that is the one way of looking at it, the other side would probably be that he is manipulative, you aren't happy, and he needs a wake up call. Ultimately it is your decision, however most people have there faults, and perhaps you may find out that qualities your bf has, you may not find in someone else. Then you may be in the dreaded position of wanting your ex back, and hurting the new guy, and then giving your ex the position of power over you, as you will be the one grovelling back to him. -_- complex situation 1
Inviv_girl Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 First of all, you seem to be labouring under the delusion that the amount of time they've been together is synonymous with the quality of their relationship. And while seven years of any relationship-be it good or bad-is not easy to just leave, it is possible. Longer relationships than that have ended, and in some cases, it was for the best. Secondly, how in hell's name did you get cheating from that? She had a drink, for crying out loud. She didn't kiss or screw the other guy. Get off your damn soap box, and actually read what the OP put in her post. Third of all, his health issues are more like mental/personality disorders. He's not dying of cancer. Fourth, grow up. Her boyfriend is intentionally trying to rile her up, after he asked her for honesty. You're clearly not mature enough to understand how a relationship works, but I can tell you now, his behaviour will not improve the situation, one iota. Hey Rebel dynasty! Above of all you speaking like you have a perfect life in a perfect relationship and you came here to give other "good advice". Truth is you are the opposite! Anyway people wouldn't come here at the first place if they are all grow up and mature enough to understand how relationship works! - like you said I'm not but aren't we all?! thats why we came here seeking for advice/opinion from others about our relationship. I respond through my own perspective and opinion, I have the right to tell her the truth about it, and at the end it is up to her to decide what she think the best for her relationship. She knows the real story, she lives in it.. unless you know her in person really! Sorry not everybody have the same thinking as you are about relationship. next time look at yourself first clearly before you mock others! and opz English is not my first language, I wish I could write better. 1
Author PunkPuffin Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 So, we sat down and talked..... possibly argued....... talked again, cried. I came to the conclusion that I need a bit of space for our sake. I'm hoping that all things will seem clearer soon, and we can work on being better and working together again rather than against each other. I guess only time will tell. I'm gutted, but I also feel a little bit free. I bet that sounds ridiculous!!
TaraMaiden Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 "You need space". That means you want to go 'on a break'. Okay, to almost everyone on here, a break, just means 'break-UP'. It just prolongs the agony of a dysfunctional relationship. And this doesn't change who he is, what he does and how you feel. It's given you breathing room. I'm gutted, but I also feel a little bit free. I bet that sounds ridiculous!! You feel gutted, because something is ending, progressively and naturally, and you feel a 'little bit free' because that's exactly the gift you've given yourself. Freedom. Space. Liberty. If you REALLY intend this to be a 'break' as opposed to a break-UP, then do it properly: Give him a definitive period of time. One Month. One month from today. During that time he is NOT to contact you, text, phone, message or bother you, in any way shape or form. Absolute total Contact Silence. You(neither of you) will date, or see anyone else during that time, but you will devote time to thinking about this relationship, what you BOTH want from it, what you both want from each other. In a month, you will meet on neutral territory, and state what you want. And if you want out - tell him. be honest, up-front, blunt and real. THAT - is a break. Anything else is just a space before the word 'up' is added. 1
Author PunkPuffin Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 "You need space". That means you want to go 'on a break'. Okay, to almost everyone on here, a break, just means 'break-UP'. It just prolongs the agony of a dysfunctional relationship. And this doesn't change who he is, what he does and how you feel. It's given you breathing room. You feel gutted, because something is ending, progressively and naturally, and you feel a 'little bit free' because that's exactly the gift you've given yourself. Freedom. Space. Liberty. If you REALLY intend this to be a 'break' as opposed to a break-UP, then do it properly: Give him a definitive period of time. One Month. One month from today. During that time he is NOT to contact you, text, phone, message or bother you, in any way shape or form. Absolute total Contact Silence. You(neither of you) will date, or see anyone else during that time, but you will devote time to thinking about this relationship, what you BOTH want from it, what you both want from each other. In a month, you will meet on neutral territory, and state what you want. And if you want out - tell him. be honest, up-front, blunt and real. THAT - is a break. Anything else is just a space before the word 'up' is added. I know... I know... So I am going to not contact him now, as so far been weak - I feel like I've walked out on our responsbilities, home, puppy... etc. I've spoken with one of my best friends who is totally out of the situation, and she sees it not that I went for a drink with another guy, or that I may like someone else, that it is everything rolled into one over several months which has lead to this. She feels I shouldnt speak to him all week, unless necessary, and he should if he really wants this to work come back to me with some sort of "We should do ...... tonight" or some kind of tool to try and get me back. I think she is right, dont you? She says something will happen and it will just click what I want ..... whether it be I've had enough, or make it work. At the moment I'm not seeing anything making it work but I'm not sure if I have my stubborn head or not. In the meantime, I'm still talking to my friend who I like - he says he would love to take me out if the circumstances were right - but obviously they are not. I could be tempted to meet with him but I know this will only make things worse in my mind, as anything is going to look better than the mess I am in now. Doh! So some time alone for the next couple of days... as a month is too long for our responsbilities. I would definitely be running away.
TaraMaiden Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 I know... I know... So I am going to not contact him now, as so far been weak - I feel like I've walked out on our responsbilities, home, puppy... etc. I've spoken with one of my best friends who is totally out of the situation, and she sees it not that I went for a drink with another guy, or that I may like someone else, that it is everything rolled into one over several months which has lead to this. She feels I shouldnt speak to him all week, unless necessary, and he should if he really wants this to work come back to me with some sort of "We should do ...... tonight" or some kind of tool to try and get me back. A week is not enough. I swear, by night 6, you will dread day 7 - because you won't have given yourself enough time. I told you: A decent break is by mutual agreement and arrangement, and should not be for anything less than a month. Stop coddling him. he is NOT your responsibility. You're playing into his 'condition' and being a crutch, instead of a motive to heal. I swear, honestly - you need a month. Take it from those on here, who've been round the block a few times and have seen this happen more than once. It's a month, that's needed. A week is just tossing leaves to the breeze. Looks good but achieves zero. I think she is right, dont you? She says something will happen and it will just click what I want ..... whether it be I've had enough, or make it work. At the moment I'm not seeing anything making it work but I'm not sure if I have my stubborn head or not. In a week? No. You know how it is when you go aborad, and you know some \french... but it takes you a couple of weeks to become acclimatised to the language as she is spoke by the french, at home? Well, that's like this Break. One week is not nearly enough to become used to what's going on inside your head. In 2 weeks, things will start to clear. By week three, you'll begin to feel comfortable with your decision. And week four will see you finally putting everything into place. And I bet he will have tried every trick in the book to get you to respond to him, because trust me, he will pester you stupid after 10 days. If that. In the meantime, I'm still talking to my friend who I like - he says he would love to take me out if the circumstances were right - but obviously they are not. I could be tempted to meet with him but I know this will only make things worse in my mind, as anything is going to look better than the mess I am in now. Doh! So some time alone for the next couple of days... as a month is too long for our responsbilities. I would definitely be running away. Hmmm... the fact that you're still in contact with this other guy, frankly, speaks volumes. I fail to understand what these 'responsibilities' are, that make it impossible to do the whole month NC..... 1
Author PunkPuffin Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 Hi guys. Thanks. Well I've been on my own now for a week almost. We've still been in contact but not a lot. I have done a lot of thinking and can't help but deep down feel that things are at an end. On my part anyway. I still love him and care for him but I just don't see a way of me being happy again in the future. They say listen to your gut..... and something is just nagging at me. I've been home tonight while he has been out (drinking) he also went out on Wednesday too. The house is absolutely foul, and he clearly can't look after himself or our property. Gah. So, I know deep deep down what I need to do for my sanity. But how the hell do I do this????
TaraMaiden Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 How would you like someone to do it to you? Then that's the way you should do it to him. If you'd like honesty, and just a clear-cut "it's over, I'm moving on" then you owe it to yourself to do the honourable thing and treat him with the same respect you'd require. He may not deserve it. And you may feel relieved that you're doing it: But you're doing it for you, because you need to. How he takes it, is on him. That's not your problem to resolve, shoulder or deal with. But do-as-you-would-be-done-by.
Author PunkPuffin Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 I did it. So its been 4 days .... things are tough. He is being really horrible to me, saying things that are going to hurt me - I know because I have broken his heart he is just trying to get back at me and hurt me too. I've been told not to go to any of our friends parties etc we were going to - nor an upcoming nuptual! I feel like with the horrible things he has said he is just pushing me further and further away..... argh. If only things were straightforward.
TaraMaiden Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 If you've cut off all contact, how is he saying things 'to you'? Get an app for your phone that blocks calls/texts: I have one, it's very effective (I run a business from my 'phone, and get 'spam' calls from finance/insurance/business-plan companies, a lot!) His reaction is a classic trait of someone of his type: When his stress levels are aroused, he gets very 'childish' - it will go on to whiny, apologetic begging, next.... and then, when you fail to respond to that too, he will get angry again. I guarantee it. You, at all costs, must - absolutely, MUST - resist all and any temptation, whatsoever, in whichever form, to respond. Because whatever response you give him - even "Please stop contacting me" - is still a response. And he knows he's cracked you. Get that app. And quickly.
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