Ninjainpajamas Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I can honestly say that I have dated quite a bit in the world, and there is no such thing as a true commitment phobe. Every man I have ever been with (with only a few exceptions) have broken it off. Many have done and said horrible things to get out of it. And ALL of them (with one exception that I know of) are all married/divorced/in relationships today. And they are married/divorced/in relationships with trashy girls rather than me. Bitter? Yes it is. And I am bitter because I have gained this knowledge : Men really want someone who is lesser than they are. They want someone who has less success, less charisma, and bows down to them. And I say "let them". They do not deserve a relationship without drama. They would rather have trash because trashy girls will provide them with this. And they do not deserve a good woman who is willing to provide them with stability, happiness and good adventures. Men aren't just looking for stability, and happiness is relative, good adventures can be had with anyone....if they don't "feel" that way for you, there's no way for you to rationalize it, I know you take the personal so you try to compare yourself objectively...while that may be good on the assessment level, that's doesn't hold as much merit beyond that because by then you've already "attracted" them to you already to a degree, now you have to figure out what it is about you that men just don't feel like investing in...as far as these other women, they obviously had that "it" factor for these men, if you truly believe that there is a fate and true love and all of that, then you'll just merely understand that this wasn't the "right one" based on that perspective. Not all guys go for the trashy girls, they go for the right combination and personality that suits them, so you have to ask yourself what you had it common and if not, then maybe you're better than these guys...so why were you willing to settle for a guy that would go for a girl like that? why would you even care or be upset if you are better than that? you win. Many guys are using the "commitment phobe" thing to water down the truth, the real reasons they didn't want to be with you but it's not just about less success, less charming, those who bow down to them...weak men need to feel superior because it affects their self-confidence...give me a woman who is way more successful as charming or more (which I think is impossible just fyi ) and that doesn't bow down to me yet is not overly stubborn or defiant and she'd definitely be on my potential list...but then again the guys you date are very likely very similar to each other...at least in terms of self-confidence and competence. They just sound stupid from what you describe, which is not surprising that you'd describe them in that way
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) Bitter? Yes it is. And I am bitter because I have gained this knowledge : Men really want someone who is lesser than they are. They want someone who has less success, less charisma, and bows down to them. Maybe because you wanted to change these men?? Men don't want to be changed. I have no problems with a woman who makes more money, smarter, or whatever. But if a woman expect me to change for them no I don't going to take them seriously. The thing is the common factor is you not them. There is a reason why these men didn't want to marry you. I remember one woman on a dating site posting this guy makes less than I do he couldn't keep up with my life style so I had to move on. Edited June 23, 2013 by Ripnet
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 As far as commitment goes, it's hard to get the guy with options to commit...and that's the guy many women from my experience want to get their hooks in. Every time it's the guy that's all in and all for it, something isn't good enough, something doesn't feel right....I swear as a guy if you have one leg in, or even one toe...can make a lot half-hearted or empty promises while putting that woman on ice in the progression realm, she's way more likely to hunt you down. That guy seems to be seen as more desirable, but that also works with men too to a degree...they're obviously going to sleep with whoever, but the girl that gives chase he's going to step it up for...even if it's just to divide and conquer. This is kind of chicken and egg theory. Maybe people that have options and act with "take it or leave it" attitude in reality have more desirable traits to many, including (general) you. So it's not their half-hearted attitude that makes them desirable, it's those traits. Unfortunately, it's also more likely for guys that have no options to go "all in" and commit earlier. Their eagerness to commit is not a turn off, but rather lack of desirable traits that makes them have no/few options in the first place and thus more likely to commit to the first girl they meet. Personally, whenever I was interested in a guy, I was really bummed out to find how much competition I have.
SJC2008 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I can honestly say that I have dated quite a bit in the world, and there is no such thing as a true commitment phobe. Every man I have ever been with (with only a few exceptions) have broken it off. Many have done and said horrible things to get out of it. And ALL of them (with one exception that I know of) are all married/divorced/in relationships today. And they are married/divorced/in relationships with trashy girls rather than me. Bitter? Yes it is. And I am bitter because I have gained this knowledge : Men really want someone who is lesser than they are. They want someone who has less success, less charisma, and bows down to them. And I say "let them". They do not deserve a relationship without drama. They would rather have trash because trashy girls will provide them with this. And they do not deserve a good woman who is willing to provide them with stability, happiness and good adventures. Please! I grew up in such a nut house if I get married it's going to be Leave it to Beaver or bust! As to your bow down comment, you couldn't be more wrong. I hate passiveness, passive aggressivenss and any form of and will next a woman the first sign of. TBS I don't date control freaks either, I'm looking for balance and self awareness, tough find this day and age.
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Personally, whenever I was interested in a guy, I was really bummed out to find how much competition I have. I wish there wasn't so much competition for the quality guys. 1
KungFuJoe Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I have to be honest. I'm sort of appalled at most of the comments I'm reading so far. So much bitterness and negativity. 3
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 When you're pointing things about something a person is doing and you're doing the same. It's a reminder that you're doing the same thing. If that's immature than so be it. I'm being positive about my situation. You're being negative about it. I still can't understand why you're trying to throw a negative spin on what I'm trying to look at as positive.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 If someone has the luxury of not settling, obviously they shouldn't settle. As for the rest of us: beggars cannot be choosers. I would not recommend that the average person hold out for what they "deserve". That's a recipe for disaster. Most of us aren't worth half what we think we are... Everyone has the luxury of not settling. It's called staying single For me it's not about thinking ''I am too good" for somebody. It's asking myself this: "Would I be happier in a relationship with this person or staying single?"....
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Everyone has the luxury of not settling. It's called staying single For me it's not about thinking ''I am too good" for somebody. It's asking myself this: "Would I be happier in a relationship with this person or staying single?".... Exactly right!!! And how your answer that question ultimately not your choice?! It is. It is your choice. 1
KungFuJoe Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I guess all that can be said is that you're a slave of your own experiences. My dating experiences have mostly been positive, with the exception of one really bad time in my life after my first break up. But the break up was completely my fault (though in retrospect, it was the best thing that ever happened to me). But, the women I've dated and been with have all been pretty straight shooting, down to earth, pretty normal girls/women. Sure, I came across a weirdo here or there, but I knew enough to avoid them. I think most of you people are just overthinking and overanalyzing everything. There is no "men do this" or "women do that". It's just a bunch of people going through life and sharing experiences. Who you choose to share your experiences with will go on to determine your success or failure. I've always been extremely picky with who I dated, often times turning down girls that others thought I was crazy not to go for...but I have a good "people picker" for lack of a better term and I guess it's always served me well. But I think that begins with believing in yourself and what YOUR worth is. Instead of worrying about being good enough for someone else...start worrying about finding someone good enough for you. I think most of the people here do the former instead of the latter. 3
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I'm being positive about my situation. You're being negative about it. I still can't understand why you're trying to throw a negative spin on what I'm trying to look at as positive. Clearly you do not understand the differences between being negative and being realistic. Someone who states many men wouldn't marry her. there's a reason. The positive spin is to look at oneself to change, not calling people names and blaming them. My father told me when you have a problem with one person it's you with the problem not them.
Author Woggle Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 I can honestly say that I have dated quite a bit in the world, and there is no such thing as a true commitment phobe. Every man I have ever been with (with only a few exceptions) have broken it off. Many have done and said horrible things to get out of it. And ALL of them (with one exception that I know of) are all married/divorced/in relationships today. And they are married/divorced/in relationships with trashy girls rather than me. Bitter? Yes it is. And I am bitter because I have gained this knowledge : Men really want someone who is lesser than they are. They want someone who has less success, less charisma, and bows down to them. And I say "let them". They do not deserve a relationship without drama. They would rather have trash because trashy girls will provide them with this. And they do not deserve a good woman who is willing to provide them with stability, happiness and good adventures. Many times these so called trashy women are much less drama and actually better partners. I would take a trashy woman over most spoiled princesses any day of the week. Just because somebody presents a facade of classiness does not actually make them classy. 1
Titania22 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Well I am not anti relationships, but I don't understand why people are so into marriage. I would rather someone were with me because they wanted to be, not because it would cost them too much to leave. Also the best relationships I have seen around me over the years were among couples who never married. I also don't understand what is so bad about being single. Being single has many benefits IMO over being in a relationship. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Well I am not anti relationships, but I don't understand why people are so into marriage. I would rather someone were with me because they wanted to be, not because it would cost them too much to leave. Also the best relationships I have seen around me over the years were among couples who never married. I also don't understand what is so bad about being single. Being single has many benefits IMO over being in a relationship. Yep, yet this society makes it out to be that by being single you have failed at life. Even when I was completly miserable in a steady relationship, people had higher opinion of me and my "worth". But to hell with it, I don't live for other people. 3
Titania22 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Yep, yet this society makes it out to be that by being single you have failed at life. Even when I was completely miserable in a steady relationship, people had higher opinion of me and my "worth". But to hell with it, I don't live for other people. It's ridiculous. There are so many more experiences available for people living today then at any other time in history; a partner can actually limit our opportunities to fully explore the ones we want to. The people that care about you won't care if you are in a relationship, only that you are happy and love your life. 2
white Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I agree that there are significant problems emerging in our society that threaten the social fabric. Find me a child today with both parents at home. Find me a teenager who doesn't consider sending phone pics of your junk normal flirting. We are all of us riding for a fall at some point. Men and women want things from each other now that are so divorced from reality thanks to media bull****. They seem to have forgotten how to be real. On the other hand, I think you can still find people of quality and sense. You'll just have to wait and look harder. I've been single a long time and in that time I have seen things be done to people I have known within the context of their relationships that are remorselessly cruel, and I've seen a lot of confusion and a lot of desperation and boredom. I'm better off not handing those keys to someone irresponsible. So is everyone. But it is not impossible to meet people who are worth the risk, if you understand a bit of what you're looking for - a bit, a rough guide. You can make it impossible with silly standards, and you can reap that harvest until you realise your mistake too late and too old. There is no point walking through the world condemning it. 1
salparadise Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Just look at the state of relationships these days? Everybody is pretty much cheating on everybody. Most people are playing some kind of games. You have to pretty much treat people like crap or already be taken in order to even have many people even be interested in you. Men and women pretty much hate each other. People are getting more and more shallow and superficial by the day.People divorce at the drop of a hat these days and if you make it a decade with your spouse it is a miracle. Most people in long term relationships seem to hate being in them. Actually being in a relationship is seen as something similar to a prison sentence I reject the premise on pretty much every count. These statements are an expression of how you perceive. If a person perceives things to be much different, then for that person they are.
umirano Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 What does somebody who isn't insane have to gain at all by attempting to have a relationship with the current state of affairs? Temporary satisfaction, closeness, some sense of inter-human warmth. And when you fall of the bike you get back on. On a large scale all our RS issues really don't mean anything. RS are just so sought after because of the warm fuzzy feeling they temporarily create, which over shines the ugly truth that there's in many cases no real closeness or soul-mateness, if you allow my word creation. Kind of like a drug. Most drug users have a questionable life quality. Yet it doesn't drive them away from it because the odd high makes up for the rest. Expanding this thought and accepting it lead me to the following strategy, which does fairly well for me: Make the most of the RS. Long or short, just be sure to spend more time laughing your a$s off and having awesome sex and giving comfort and learning from each other than fighting, doubting or worrying. If the latter take over and the underlying causes aren't going away it's time to end it. I hope to home in this way, on people I'm really compatible with. People who suffer in a RS have no one else to blame but themselves. It's always better to be a single than a suffering partner in a RS. 1
crude Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 It's not that bad at all. Many people simply aren't monogamous and don't want a roommate, and when they're backed into a corner and forced to be exclusive and marry someone, they're not happy because it's not them. Just come to peace with that and don't force a relationship or marriage on yourself.
veggirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I have to be honest. I'm sort of appalled at most of the comments I'm reading so far. So much bitterness and negativity. Sometimes the nastyness on LS, just out of nowhere, is just like wow. Woggle I wonder where you get your information. Is it from real life interactions or is it from the internet? You have already even admitted that you have shady character friends irl so I don't even know why you'd base things off them. I know tons of people in happy relationships, I don't know anyone who runs around using people or anything like that. I knew guys in college and stuff who were ready to take advantage of any girl they could but they grew out of it and I certainly don't hate men because of it.
ltjg45 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Unfortunately, I have seen basically the same things myself and it has affected be negatively when it comes to looking for a relationship. I'm not sure what to do or how I will proceed. By the time I'm set up professionally, I would be too old and too inexperienced to do anything about it and the women I want would get so bitter from the males with options who has abused them to the point to think that if I were to approach them, they would think I'm doing it strictly for sex. What's the point? I can't approach a woman who isn't attractive to me unless I'm going to settle in the worse way possible and there will be no sex but even the decent-looking women would have been used so many times, they would have trouble trusting any males after some point.
KatZee Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Completely agree with OPs first post. The dating world is a joke these days. The amount of games people play (just find that thread about blowing off a woman to attract her?!??!) is just ridiculous. It's not negative, it's realistic. Most people don't value relationships anymore. It's just something to "do" until the next best thing comes along and then you throw out your partner like a used napkin. My ex destroyed the person I used to be. And people just discard others, ruin them emotionally and then those broken people go on to be in relationships and cause dysfunction there as well. It's a huge reason why I refused to be in a relationship or date once I was dumped. I've been single for 13 months now. I haven't hooked up with anyone, the guy I'm talking to now is the first in over a year, and my first kiss in over a year. I'm not sure when dating got to be so destructive. Why people blatantly use, abuse, and cheat others. I myself am a very old school type of girl. Women like us are EXTREMELY rare but I wouldn't have it any other way. I know I'm quality and I hope one day I'm lucky enough to meet a quality man. 2
hppr Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Personally, whenever I was interested in a guy, I was really bummed out to find how much competition I have. If the two of you like one another, and have common interests, the 'competition' won't be a factor. He won't want other girls he will want you. However if you are going after a guy who has lots of options, a guy with whom you don't have a lot in common with (nor do you offer more than all the other women) then it is going to fail.
hppr Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I'm not sure when dating got to be so destructive. Why people blatantly use, abuse, and cheat others. Because people let them do it. For every guy/girl who doesn't play games or put up with bull**** there are a dozen who will put up with most everything because they are desperate or have no dignity/morals.
Author Woggle Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Completely agree with OPs first post. The dating world is a joke these days. The amount of games people play (just find that thread about blowing off a woman to attract her?!??!) is just ridiculous. It's not negative, it's realistic. Most people don't value relationships anymore. It's just something to "do" until the next best thing comes along and then you throw out your partner like a used napkin. My ex destroyed the person I used to be. And people just discard others, ruin them emotionally and then those broken people go on to be in relationships and cause dysfunction there as well. It's a huge reason why I refused to be in a relationship or date once I was dumped. I've been single for 13 months now. I haven't hooked up with anyone, the guy I'm talking to now is the first in over a year, and my first kiss in over a year. I'm not sure when dating got to be so destructive. Why people blatantly use, abuse, and cheat others. I myself am a very old school type of girl. Women like us are EXTREMELY rare but I wouldn't have it any other way. I know I'm quality and I hope one day I'm lucky enough to meet a quality man. I very much agree. People who don't see how bad things have become are either blind or have been in a happy relationship so long that they still remember dating like it was when they were young. Relationships in 2013 is sort of like a cold war between the sexes and that is how many approach it. Just look at this forum or the comments on anything pertaining to male/female relationships. 1
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