sailorgirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 So I am 3 years out of a 15 year marriage, in my mid-forties w/ kids. 50/50 custody with the ex, so I have time to myself (such a guilty pleasure!). I didn't date at all for a year post-D -- couldn't imagine why the company of a man would be enjoyable! Then I did some online dating for the first time in my life, had a whole bunch of uninspiring first dates, and met one guy whose company I enjoyed. Been dating him now for 18 months, most of it exclusive. He is a wonderful, kind, caring, loving, thoughtful man. We love each other (but not, for me, in that all-consuming, heart-pounding way). So, you ask, what's my question? My question is: is it possible to go along together the way we are now, or is it going to "need" to change at some point? I don't feel like I have to, or want to, ever marry again. I own my home, am independent financially and otherwise, and love seeing this guy the way I currently see him, which is weekends and some weeknights together when we don't have our respective kids. Also, I don't see *how* things could change even if we wanted them to. We live in different cities about an hour apart, and both have our kids 50% of the time -- neither one of us would consider moving out of the town in which our kids go to school, and also each of us is well-established in our careers in our own cities. So I'm rooted where I am, and he's rooted where he is, and if one of us decides we want to really "be together", I don't know how we could manage it without a lot of other costs to the kids. Should I just stop thinking about this and take it as it comes -- if it changes then we figure it out (which I think would mean breaking up), and if it doesn't then we can just continue ad infinitum? (The thing is, life is not usually that static - continuing an every-other-weekend "serious" relationship into the indefinite future seems kind of unlikely.) True, I have no drama to report with this post -- maybe I'm anticipating some unnecessarily.
2sure Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I'm the same age range. I think many of us prefer to have relationships that maintain seperate homes. I'm thinking it's perfect. 1
Silly_Girl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 If you're keen to keep the status quo, the question is whether he is. Has he made mention of the future? Have you and he talked about where you might be headed? Is this train of thought because you're not crazy about him? Do you think you'd be posting the same if it was heart-pounding/can't-live-without-him passion? 1
Author sailorgirl Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Silly_Girl, those are good questions, particularly the last two. I do wonder about that. I wonder whether, if it was heart-pounding etc, I'd no longer be content with our living-apart, every-other-weekend thing. Perhaps if it were more intense and deeply felt, I'd *want* the R to be moving to something more committed and permanent. But then I wonder whether that more intense and deeply-felt stuff can actually be "real" in the sense of sustainable in the long-term. I frankly don't remember; my M was so long and so dead by the time it ended that I don't remember those early days. I think he and I are actually in about the same place with what we want from the R, which simplifies things. We have both said that we don't know if we'll ever get married again. I mean, for now it's lovely and we have a great time; he really is a wonderful man, treats me well and we both enjoy doing the same kind of things -- but a small part of me wonders if I'm missing other options, and I'm not getting younger.
dichotomy Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) But then I wonder whether that more intense and deeply-felt stuff can actually be "real" in the sense of sustainable in the long-term. I mean, for now it's lovely and we have a great time; he really is a wonderful man, treats me well and we both enjoy doing the same kind of things -- but a small part of me wonders if I'm missing other options, and I'm not getting younger. The first question - from a heart pounding romance stuff - is usually no it can't be maintained - certainly after getting married, or many years of a LTR. It can be replaced by deep soul connected love. But most experts agree the chemical high phase .....is always a phase. With this guy it sounds like however you never even had a chemical high phase - rip each others clothes off, crazy with a need to be with him phase. Thats a sign, plus the practical stuff of locations and home. Love is a tricky word. All kinds of "love". What exactly do you want - in the short term and long term from relationships? Do you see yourself wanting eventually to get married? I am going to hazard a guess, that you need to go back to dating and experience more men right now. I think you want (and need) some real passion after your marriage. Just understand that there is a big difference between the heart pounding phases you might find with some men, and real true long lasting partnership love. Only you can decide how valuable this current guy is to you and wether you want to go back to dating. Also not to be too practical, but as you hit the 50's (and for sure 60) you may face slimmer pickings. So if you want to try to find heart pounding..... seize the day. Edited June 23, 2013 by dichotomy
Recommended Posts