Toph Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 As a guy with 2 kids and dating, my concern is if the relationship doesnt work out, not only am I hurt but my kids will be too (my son is six and thinks my gf is great) Dating and kids is far more complicated than just 2 ppl meeting.
Author iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Author Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by Toph As a guy with 2 kids and dating, my concern is if the relationship doesnt work out, not only am I hurt but my kids will be too (my son is six and thinks my gf is great) Dating and kids is far more complicated than just 2 ppl meeting. If that is a concern, maybe she'll want to spend as much time as possible just with me - like after work, or on the weekends if she has someone to watch the kids. Like someone else previously mentioned, I may not get to meet her children for awhile anyway. I would think that issue would be brought up early on once we started talking. I would definitely make sure that I wasn't leading her on - I realize that's the worst thing I could do. I would be honest and say I'd like to be friends for now and take it slow. That would be good for me, anyway, as I think my past relationships progressed too quickly.
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by iceisles I would definitely make sure that I wasn't leading her on - I realize that's the worst thing I could do. I would be honest and say I'd like to be friends for now and take it slow. That would be good for me, anyway, as I think my past relationships progressed too quickly. woow... now I'm really impressed...
Author iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Author Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam woow... now I'm really impressed... Lol. I just have a feeling that, at the very least, I could get a solid friendship out of this. I have spent too many nights regretting chances I never took, and my outlook is that you have to give things a shot if you believe in them. It may not work out, but at least then I'd know. I am a very honest person, and I will never let her doubt what my intentions are.
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 God man, what do you want me to do? Ask your hand in marriage? Lool!!!! BTW, that was indeed very nicely put.
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I mean, work with me here: I get hit at, looked at, alusioned at, hell, people that never met me ask me to send them pictures of my boobs, and there you go throwing "feeling","solid friendship", "too many nights", "regretting", "chances"(and all in that order), "believe", work out", "honest" and "intention", all in a couple of sentences... You're really good at this, aren't you ?
Author iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Author Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam I mean, work with me here: I get hit at, looked at, alusioned at, hell, people that never met me ask me to send them pictures of my boobs, and there you go throwing "feeling","solid friendship", "too many nights", "regretting", "chances"(and all in that order), "believe", work out", "honest" and "intention", all in a couple of sentences... You're really good at this, aren't you ? I have always valued relationships, whether they are friendships or otherwise. There is nothing more special than forming a true bond with someone else. It's such a shame that so many people take others for granted.
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by iceisles I have always valued relationships, whether they are friendships or otherwise. There is nothing more special than forming a true bond with someone else. It's such a shame that so many people take others for granted. Amen to that! It sucks big time when gender gets in the way.Kinda frustrating, I've always noticed this solidarity between men... I want that too!
Author iceisles Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 I'm going to talk to her tomorrow. Do you all think I'll be ok as long as I'm upfront about just wanting to be friends for now? I don't know what she's looking for, but I do trust that she will let me know once we've spoken for awhile.
SoleMate Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 Iceisles...it's you...you're getting out there? Good for you! As far as the kids go, no harm in getting to know her and maybe understand what her life as a parent is like. Kids are wonderful...and hard work...and joy-bringing...and they all have different personalities. You might actually have lots of fun some day with someone else's kids. Be open to it. (But I agree, the 4 kids by 4 men at age 21 is not a statistic anyone should try to beat - or match.)
Author iceisles Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Iceisles...it's you...you're getting out there? Good for you! As far as the kids go, no harm in getting to know her and maybe understand what her life as a parent is like. Kids are wonderful...and hard work...and joy-bringing...and they all have different personalities. You might actually have lots of fun some day with someone else's kids. Be open to it. (But I agree, the 4 kids by 4 men at age 21 is not a statistic anyone should try to beat - or match.) I'm done with my ex. I'm taking those good memories and moving on with my life. She had plenty of opportunities to show remorse and reconcile but failed to show any respect for our relationship. I have officially closed that chapter of my life. There are so many better people out there.
Author iceisles Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 Ok, I need someone to calm my fears. I'm really nervous about going over there and talking to her. I started heading that direction a few times and turned back. I feel the same level of apprehension as going on a job interview.
Author iceisles Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 Well, I finally got the balls to go over there. The conversation went well, and she was really nice. Unfortunately, I don't think she has any interest hanging out outside of this office. I told her to stop by if she ever feels like talking but I don't think she will. Oh well, at least I tried.
Author iceisles Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 I sent an e-mail thanking her for taking the time to talk to me and said that she can drop by anytime to talk or grab lunch. I guess that's basically all I can do for now, right? I guess it was too much to expect for us to exchange phone numbers, as this was the first time we actually said more than "hi" to each other. If she doesn't e-mail me or drop by after a few weeks, would that be a pretty good hint that she's not interested? I guess I just need to know if the ball is in her court or mine right now. Thanks.
CurlyIam Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 Go easy on her. Exchanging phone numbers was ok. Now wait till next week and see how it goes. You can invite her to have a coffee in your 5 minutes coffee break. See how she responds. I don't know how this works in the US, but in France it takes forever to ask a girl out. In my country things are a lot easier. A LOT .
Author iceisles Posted October 15, 2004 Author Posted October 15, 2004 We didn't exchange phone numbers, though I would have liked to. Before I left work, she wrote me back and said that she had a great time talking and wished me a good weekend. It may mean nothing, but she also put a little smiley-face next to her name when she signed the e-mail. I'd like to take that as a good thing, but who knows? How does this sound for a short-term plan?...I offer to buy her lunch at work a couple of times, and send casual "how's it going?" e-mails now and then. After we've spoken more (either through e-mails or preferably hanging out at work), then maybe I'll nonchalantly ask her if she'd like to join me at a new restaurant in town one night after work? I could do this in the middle of the week to make it not feel like your typical Friday or Saturday night date. I'd also like to get a Halloween card and leave it on her desk next week. Do you think that would be a nice gesture? I want to let her know that I'm interested in being more than friends without being too aggressive. I know it's a really fine line sometimes. I appreciate your thoughts.
CurlyIam Posted October 16, 2004 Posted October 16, 2004 Listen, in France, that would be surrounding the girl with attention. Slower is safer, unless you see she is opened for more. Take it from small talk, happen to be around her during breaks etc. I say don't buy her a halloween card, but something funny, like a very very little pumpkin toy or ... you get the picture. Say something about spending the week end with a niece of yours and you've remembered her as she also has kids and you've tought she might liked that (whatever small object you're offering her). Nice and easy. If you get to buy her lunch, you're on the right way. Just get her used to having you around and don't pressure her. That's how I'd do it, anyway. I know men are a bit more impetuous... and I have no idea how Americans deal with it.
Author iceisles Posted October 16, 2004 Author Posted October 16, 2004 Thanks for the input. Any Americans care to comment? Do you feel a simple card is over the top? Thanks.
SoleMate Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 A little Halloween card is OK, but I like Curly's idea even better - just a tiny little Halloween trinket, possibly one her children could enjoy as well. Possible a lightup pumpkin that is 3" (8 cm) tall. Check the shops. It shows you are thinking of her, but it is not lavish or overkill so it won't embarass either of you. It's a nice warmup. In fact, it might be even easier to give it to her and say it is a "little something for her kids" or something like that. Don't worry - she'll understand that you're interested in her, not her toddlers. The card is harder because you would have to write something. What would you say? "Happy Halloween"? Unfortunately, that might end up in the round file within just a few moments, whereas a cute trinket will definitely be taken home. Good luck, iceisles!
Author iceisles Posted October 18, 2004 Author Posted October 18, 2004 Thanks folks. I will hold off on the card for awhile and go with the "trinket" idea. I have no idea what to buy little kids, but now would be a good time to figure it out. I suppose the best thing I can do early on is just stop by to say hi or send her a very casual e-mail now and then. Often times, little things like that can say a lot. Once she feels comfortable with me, I'll take the next step. I just have to remember to not jump the gun. A date with her by Christmastime would be an awesome gift, though.
Author iceisles Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 I return to work tomorrow and have decided to give her two things: A Halloween card (but making it look like I'm giving these out to all my friends, not just her) and some other small gift, like a light-up pumpkin or perhaps a small stuffed animal with candy. The latter will be a token of my appreciation for her taking the time to talk with me a week ago. It will also demonstrate that I was thinking of her by getting a small gift, but it won't be so extravagant that she think's I'm crazy about her (which I am). I have also decided to drop by her office in the afternoon, with brief e-mails sent when I get in and just before I leave for the weekend. I haven't seen in her in a week, so this should be a solid effort to show her that I've missed talking without actually saying that. If she seems really enthusiastic about talking with me, I may bring up the idea of getting lunch at work next week. What do you all think of these ideas? Am I on the right track here? As always, I appreciate the input.
SoleMate Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 Yes, I think that is a great plan. It's truly charming that you're putting so much thought into these small gestures. Save this thread and years down the road, when you're a happy couple, maybe you can show it to her.
Author iceisles Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Yes, I think that is a great plan. It's truly charming that you're putting so much thought into these small gestures. Save this thread and years down the road, when you're a happy couple, maybe you can show it to her. Thanks, SoleMate. All Wal-Mart had were big Halloween baskets full of candy and other items, and I think those would have been a little too over-the-top right now. Instead I purchased a decorative tin of Halloween cookies which I think she'll like. I may even get some bonus points if I say something like, "I'm sure your kids will enjoy these." I'll have to take a few hours to ponder over what I'll write in the card, though I'm sure it'll be nothing more than a quick sentence or two wishing her a nice holiday. As you can tell, I'm crazy for this girl and really hope that she'll be interested in me.
Author iceisles Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 I'll likely take some heat for saying this, but I am strongly considering giving her my # next Friday if things go well next week (starting with the card & cookies Monday). I totally understand the notion of taking things slow, but I also feel the need to keep the energy level up here. I have lost too many opportunities for not being assertive enough, and I really don't want to lose a shot with her. If I sense that she is feeling uncomfortable or is flat out uninterested, I will certainly back off. It's just that I don't want to let another amazing girl slip by because I was sitting on my hands.
Recommended Posts