iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Ok, so here's the dilemma I want to bounce off you all. There's this really sweet and attractive co-worker who I would love to ask out, but the thing that scares me is that she has two kids. Why does this scare me? I don't know. I like kids, but I think it has something to do with being 24 and I've never dated anyone who had them before. Or maybe it's because she has a few years of parenting experience and I don't, making me feel a little intimidated. I definitely think she'd say yes to getting together, so I'm not worried about that. I'm also not worried about dating someone I work with, as I am in a very big office and it wouldn't be awkward if it didn't work out. Why do you all think I'm nervous about this? And do you think I should go for it anyway? I'm just afraid of getting into something that's out of my league. I would appreciate any and all thoughts on this. Thanks. P.S. I know there is a workplace forum, but I posted in this forum because it sees much more activity. Hope that's ok.
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I think you should do only what you're comfortable with. But realize if you're 24, most people your age do have kids, eh? My brother is 25 and realizes that most single women out there have (usually by age 25) had kids and probably been divorced. Face it, you often times deal with slim pickens as you get older. Unless you're dead set against it, you should give it a shot. Imagine being her, married, had a family, now she's divorced and has two kids. You have to understand that she was a 'family'. She had a previous life. Why not just look at her in that fashion instead of looking at her in the light of "2 kids". I hope this makes sense. I'm a single mom and have been for three years. My son is four. If any man ever considered not dating me for my son, I'd be like...1st of all, I'm 28, wtf do you expect? 2nd, go to hell, my son is my world. And 3rd, don't waste my time "priviledging" me with your presence. I want a man that's mature enough to face the fact that I'm old enough to have a damn kid. I had a life before you! I hope you make the right decision. If it turns you off, spare her. Don't ask her out or waste her time.
Author iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Author Posted October 14, 2004 I appreciate your comments. You're right - many women in their mid to late 20's have kids, so it will be a decision I'm likely to face more and more. As I mentioned, I like kids, but this is all new to me. I do think I want to take a shot with it because I've regretted passing up too many other opportunities. Perhaps more than anything, me dating people who have children and/or are divorced, etc., signals that a new phase of my life is beginning. I will have to realize that I am no longer 18 and will be facing different situations as each new year passes.
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 There ya go. My brother is dating a woman that has four kids. By four different men. --Bless his heart. He needs to walk away. Um, she's 21 by the way. And she was married/in the process of divorcing. Just don't go THAT FAR. I don't know if I'd date someone like that.
Author iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Author Posted October 14, 2004 I feel like I really want to do this. We hardly know each other, but certainly there is no harm hanging out as friends and taking it from there. I'm not one of these guys who's terrified of being a parent, it's just that I don't know if it's normal for me to be a little apprehensive. I guess my being aware of the situation beforehand is a good thing, unlike my past when I would just jump into something and ask questions later.
surfergirl Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I agree with Tiki.... I too am a single mom of a 3 yr old (I'm 33). Tiki is right, spare this lady if the child makes you feel awkward in any way. Maybe try spending some time with friends who have children to see if you are comfortable around them before you jump into something you can't handle. Some people just can't handle being around children and that's not a bad thing but it will be easier if you know before being interested in someone with children. Just remember if you are ok with kids and you two do get together - you will be loved three times more than the next guy. Good luck with your decision.
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by surfergirl Just remember if you are ok with kids and you two do get together - you will be loved three times more than the next guy. Aww. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Also, she may be cautious of who she dates. You may not meet her kids for a while. I dated mine like two months before I introduced him to my son. He doesn't meet every man I date. My son would be soooo confused if he did, lol.
Author iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Author Posted October 14, 2004 This will definitely be a "sleep on it" decision. Maybe I should ask her to hang out as friends first - this way I can get to know her while figuring out if I'm comfortable with the kids thing. I hope I don't sound like I'm being picky or anything, it's just that it's a tough situation to be in. I think if I end up being accepted into her family (meaning her and her kids), that could only be a good thing.
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I'd date her ALONE first, hopefully she can find a sitter. I can't get to know a man well with my kid needing help wiping his ass every five minutes, constantly pulling at me...Momma, Momma, come wipe my butt. Momma, Momma, I wanna watch a movie. Can I go outside? Etc, etc, etc. I laugh with my fiance and tell him he'd never dated me past the first date if my son had been there. But my son is a trip. And I love him dearly. But my love life is separate.
surfergirl Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 If you guys do go out and she wants to bring the kids on the first date that my friend is a big warning sign. You two need to get to know each other first and then add the kids on some fun stuff. Be wary of someone who wants to drag them everywhere and also be wary of someone who tries to hide the fact she has children. There should be a good balance of "couple time" and then fun activities with the kids. I think you will make the right choice.....
surfergirl Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I took my daughter with me on a 4th or 5th date when she was about 2 and not quite fully potty trained......AND he freaked out. We had to stop and get gas anyway she had a stinky diaper. I proceeded to changer her and he turned green. He got out of the car after he put down all the windows and the moonroof and stood outside the car. He was completely grossed out and I was lmao. Needless to say there were not many more dates after that and I was glad - anybody that freaks over a stinky diaper don't need to waste my time. LOL
surfergirl Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I took my daughter with me on a 4th or 5th date when she was about 2 and not quite fully potty trained......AND he freaked out. We had to stop and get gas anyway she had a stinky diaper. I proceeded to changer her and he turned green. He got out of the car after he put down all the windows and the moonroof and stood outside the car. He was completely grossed out and I was lmao. Needless to say there were not many more dates after that and I was glad - anybody that freaks over a stinky diaper don't need to waste my time. LOL So don't freak out if they spit food in their plate if they don't like it or pass gas unexpectedly and my daughter sometimes burps... she's so little and to hear those gigantic burps come out of such a little person is hilarious.
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Hey, girls, lay off him! Darling, I am a 24 years old girl (and by the way, 24 is NOT in my [color=red]late[/color] 20's) and I do not have kids or ever been married. I'd lie if I said I knew many girls who have. Remember that you do not have to date her and you're not a terrible person if you decide that it's too much. I am very selfish and I do confess I hate sharing people and attention. Just like the crazy girls before said, sleep on it. And if you just want it casual, let her know. It does not mean that once you date her it is all of a sudden serious. I think. (BTW, sometimes I think if I were a man, I'd be kinda mysoginist...).Kids can be great once in a while if you don't have any. The thing is that they're in her life Forever. And that, my friend, is a handfull.
surfergirl Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I'm not ganging up on him but he needs to know what it's like to date someone with children - I wouldn't want him to freak with some of the stuff kids can and do in public. Kids are great and the future and if he chooses to not see her I think that's ok but don't go into it thinking that all children are perfect angels in public places. Most of the time mine is a great child to take anywhere but then sometimes she can pull some stuff. Please don't think I'm ganging on you - just wanted you to know....
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I think he understood our points and that they were well taken. Especially coming from moms like ourselves, sg.
surfergirl Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 ROCK ON TIKI.....I mean right on! lol I'm so bored at work.....
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by surfergirl I'm not ganging up on him but he needs to know what it's like to date someone with children - I wouldn't want him to freak with some of the stuff kids can and do in public. Please don't think I'm ganging on you - just wanted you to know.... Shut up, woman. He's cute. He actually wants to date a woman with children. Can't you see I'm making my move here? Yeeeesss, kids may be quite a pain... sometimes....yes, they're nice.... but how about forgeting about that for a moment...(gently sliding forward revealing some) hum?
surfergirl Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Curly you bad thang you!!! You need to stop.
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 [He is good material, I tell you...] Hi honey.. it's still me...
CurlyIam Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Weeel, it is getting kinda crowded in here....
Fritz Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy There ya go. My brother is dating a woman that has four kids. By four different men. --Bless his heart. He needs to walk away. Um, she's 21 by the way. And she was married/in the process of divorcing. Just don't go THAT FAR. I don't know if I'd date someone like that. Your brother needs a swift kick in the arse! 4 kids by four different men spells disaster. I'd run from someone like that... Anyway iceisles, go for it if you think you can handle her having a kid. Don't take any flack from folks if you dont want to though. It isn't an easy thing to deal with in many ways. At 27, I don't think I'd turn down a date with a woman because she has kids but its not something I'd just jump in to after having grown up with divorced parents and then blended families with the multiple holidays etc. etc. its something I've come to want to avoid in my own personal life.
Author iceisles Posted October 14, 2004 Author Posted October 14, 2004 I think I will just ask her to hang out, with the understanding that I'm just looking to meet some good friends right now. As with any relationship, that should be how it starts out anyway. Even if we start dating, that doesn't automatically mean that it will be serious. Heck, I don't even know if I'm her type or vice versa. I don't see any harm in at least letting her know that I'd like to get to know her better.
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