fiftyofsomethin Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Well, I'm going to make this short and sweet. In my last relationships, I have enjoyed myself very much in them, I felt loved, and I did my best to make sure they knew I loved them back, however, as you may or may not know, they didn't last. And I feel like every time I go back into a relationship, it just ends up ending without me having any answers and just getting hurt more than should be necessary. I just seem to get too attached and too deep into relationships too quickly or something, because it hurts like a bitch for way too long afterwards. Why can I not just accept that things have changed and look forward to my next relationship you ask? Well every time I do, I keep imagining the same thing happening again with me getting hurt and me dwelling on this all over again. With my last relationship and following breakup I vowed not to allow the same rumination and depression to hit me like after the relationship before it ended. However, no matter my efforts, my rumination and depression period has gone on almost twice as long as the one before it. How can I prevent myself from getting hurt again? I'm a guy, so I already feel like a complete schmuck for getting caught up in these things.
Eggplant Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Losing somebody you care about hurts a lot. Go slowly, and don't commit until you've vetted her and you feel she's the one.
na49 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I think it's important to be realistic about your relationship. No matter how in love you are with the girl. Your relationship CAN end. (that doesn't mean it will) because everything in life comes to end. but so many people are convinced that the person they are with is the person they will grow old with and when it doesn't happen they get hurt. Lower your expectations of your relationship early on. If you really are going to grow old and die with this person. You'll grow old and die with them and it won't be an issue. at the end of the day though, losing someone you care about will always hurt. You will probably feel depressed and that's just going to happen sadly... Letting it destroy your life is where the problems start.
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Losing somebody you care about hurts a lot. Go slowly, and don't commit until you've vetted her and you feel she's the one. I agree, take it slower and watch her actions not her words. Actions always speak louder than words by far. 2
Ami1uwant Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 with your relationships...why did they end? was there somethin common happening that caused their failure? You may be doing something that you arent realizing---like you may thing you are caring by doing this or that but she views you as being controlling.....thus ending the relationship.
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 with your relationships...why did they end? was there somethin common happening that caused their failure? You may be doing something that you arent realizing---like you may thing you are caring by doing this or that but she views you as being controlling.....thus ending the relationship. That's her problem if she doesn't communicate there's a problem. Men aren't mind readers. 1
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 with your relationships...why did they end? was there somethin common happening that caused their failure? You may be doing something that you arent realizing---like you may thing you are caring by doing this or that but she views you as being controlling.....thus ending the relationship. I have gotten the feeling that I have been the person who wants the relationship more than my exes have. I've been the person blindsided by the breakup every time, I've been the person who says "I love you" first. However, with this last relationship, I thought it was different. She was the first person to ever tell me that she was "attached" to me. She always wanted to hang out, we got the closest in terms of physical affection, however, I still said "I love you" first and one day in particular, on a day that was really snowy, she said she wanted to stay in after we had planned to just go out and enjoy the snow. And I guess I got a little disappointed but didn't think much of it, but then I found out she went out with her friends, including some guys, and of course I confronted her about it, and things got awkward for the next week and we broke up shortly afterwards. She is, in fact, moving on much much better than I have, and that is seemingly the most annoying part of this whole "moving on" stuff. The part that hurts the most about a breakup when it ends is the feeling that I wasn't wanted or the feeling that I'm not missed, because if I am, I am having a hard time seeing that. It's just a huge blow to my ego every time, so I just want to limit these feelings when they come. Thanks so much for the responses guys! It really helps to have people express support and lend a helping hand.
c57dood Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Do you notice the color of this forum? It is red. Being red, relationships are both a great source of energy as well as a great source of pain. You cannot separate love and pain. Any time you enter into a romantic relationship, there are many, many strings attached. Breaking those strings will always be painful. Your best bet would be to harden yourself specifically your heart. Women deep down want a rock, and that rock does not form without a long series of heartbreak and hardship. Any display of emotion is a sign of weakness to women. 3
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Do you notice the color of this forum? It is red. Being red, relationships are both a great source of energy as well as a great source of pain. You cannot separate love and pain. Any time you enter into a romantic relationship, there are many, many strings attached. Breaking those strings will always be painful. Your best bet would be to harden yourself specifically your heart. Women deep down want a rock, and that rock does not form without a long series of heartbreak and hardship. Any display of emotion is a sign of weakness to women. Yes but women expect us to be emotional. 1
FitChick Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 You mention physical affection but what does that mean? How old are you?
c57dood Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Yes but women expect us to be emotional. In my experience, any time I was emotional with a woman, she was very turned off. The less emotional I was, the less invested I was in the relationship, the more into me she was. Anytime I said something like " I love you" or emotionally expressed how I felt about her, they never liked it. This is weird, I know, but it seemed to be the case for a number of women. Besides, women and men deal with life's hardships much differently. Women are more likely to talk and confide with others about their struggles, while men will be more likely to bottle it up and "man up" taking it to the chin. Funny, this is probably why women live longer than men! 1
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 You mention physical affection but what does that mean? How old are you? I always hate telling my age on here especially to people who don't already know it because it seems that an 18 year old doesn't get a whole lot of respect. I tend to get the "oh you're in high school, what do you know?" or "you need time to grow" responses when I tell people this. (Even though I've already just graduated). But anyways, yes, I am 18. And what I mean is, without going into detail, we escalated to making out, and very close to sex, as close as you can probably. You are all "adults" I hope you don't need me to explain what that means. Use your imaginations. But again, I would like to express how much I appreciate all of your responses. It really helps! 1
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 In my experience, any time I was emotional with a woman, she was very turned off. The less emotional I was, the less invested I was in the relationship, the more into me she was. Anytime I said something like " I love you" or emotionally expressed how I felt about her, they never liked it. This is weird, I know, but it seemed to be the case for a number of women. I wonder if this is true with majority of the women because I have experienced the same thing. We are expected to be sensitive to their emotions but how can we if we're suppose to man up?
c57dood Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I wonder if this is true with majority of the women because I have experienced the same thing. We are expected to be sensitive to their emotions but how can we if we're suppose to man up? The female/male dynamic can be shown analogous to the sun/moon. Women are lunar, in that they follow monthly cycles, and are also greatly influenced by water aka emotions. Much like the moon has an influence on the tides on earth. Women's natural shedding period also follows this monthly cycle. Men are solar, or projection and fire (desire). It is the man's strength and steady resolve that mimic the "always on" sunshine. There are no changes in the sun's appearance. It is a whole circle from sunrise to sunset. Men's primary influence is fire. Don't believe me? Look at a full moon. A full moon is in reality the only time where the moon wholly receives the sun's light, as a woman receives a man. Just like magnets attract opposite ends, and electrical charge travels from negative to positive, so too do the division between male and female of all species attract or repel each other. Keep in mind that I am describing purely masculine and feminine essence. In reality there are no purely feminine or purely masculine human beings. Mostly it is a mixture because what do you get when you mix fire and water? Air! All penetrating, ubiquitous, ever present life force all around us! 1
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 I must say that the thing holding me back right now, honestly, is simply the thought of what my ex is doing right now while she is having fun. Specifically at the moment, with this one guy. That has caused me the most pain. Just imagining her going through the same motions of courting as we did but now with this other guy. And unfortunately, it seems that she is doing more fun things than we did, so naturally I'm taking that as a hit to my ego. It's not even like this guy is more "popular", more attractive, or more fun than I am. He doesn't do anything except go fishing every once in a while. It's just the fact that my ex is obviously enjoying herself and that there is a low likelihood she is thinking about me at all that make it bother me. It's very unfortunate that I go through this. I am completely able to forget about her or him or her friends or whoever and just focus on my own life, but the second my imagination gets let loose and imagines what exactly they are doing together, I panic and shut down. This only slows my healing time for my pain. It's all my ego and how it fears losing something it once had or losing the fun I once experienced. I honestly have no girl-friends that I can just hang out with either. Which, I've heard, can greatly help the healing process.
Tinie Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I'm sorry but that will happen. If you don't want to be hurt, don't get into relationships at all. And the thing about women hating emotion from men. That's not the case for me. Men who don't show emotion at all are a turnoff for me. I want a man to be emotional about me. I want to see my man care, feel nervous before a date with me, and show that he's upset if I upset him. I want to see human emotion, because to me, dating a rock is no fun. If I wanted no emotion, I could go pick up a thug at the gym anytime.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 I'm sorry but that will happen. If you don't want to be hurt, don't get into relationships at all. And the thing about women hating emotion from men. That's not the case for me. Men who don't show emotion at all are a turnoff for me. I want a man to be emotional about me. I want to see my man care, feel nervous before a date with me, and show that he's upset if I upset him. I want to see human emotion, because to me, dating a rock is no fun. If I wanted no emotion, I could go pick up a thug at the gym anytime. See that's what you TELL us. Men and women aren't that different. I can tell you right now I would LIKE for a potential girlfriend to be that way, I would like for them to show affection and tell me how important I am to them. But after a while, being built up so much will only make me believe I can do better. Nobody likes things that are that easy. It makes you feel uneasy. Like there was some mistake. It shouldn't be that easy. If you have/are working, even a little bit, to keep a relationship going, you will be much more satisfied. The best things come from leaving your comfort zone.
mortensorchid Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 The only thing you can do is go into each new situation with a new hope. Remember, this person knows nothing about you or your past. You cannot apply your past mistakes to this person because this person wasn't there. They have nothing to do with your past behaviors. Those who say that they can or won't do something because of so-and-so do it as a cop out. If you have some kind of problematic behavior, only you can change that problematic behavior (drinking, hitting your SO, cheating on them, etc.). If you can't change it, you need professional help in order to do so. Otherwise, go in with a hope that this could be something good. If it isn't good, then move onto the next one.
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I can tell you right now I would LIKE for a potential girlfriend to be that way, I would like for them to show affection and tell me how important I am to them. But after a while, being built up so much will only make me believe I can do better. Do you mean that, if she is verbally affectionate towards you, you start putting yourself on a pedestal, and looking for the bigger, better deal?
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 Do you mean that, if she is verbally affectionate towards you, you start putting yourself on a pedestal, and looking for the bigger, better deal? Yes. That's exactly what I mean. I can tell you intend to present that as a bad thing. It very well may be. The thing is, everyone does it. Whether you like it or not. I am just going to say this now: You tend to have a very idealistic view towards people. Saying things to the effect of "A GOOD girlfriend would like you for who you are." or "People who aren't insane don't do that". Unfortunately, as much as I WOULD like to believe you, things simply are not that way. You will of course meet people who DO do all those things and more, but those people are few and far between. I'd rather enjoy myself now, and eventually bump into my soulmate down the road than just sitting around not dating anyone and waiting for the tide to wash them in. Many people have different views on this, but I like to believe I can control what happens in my life. Who I am. Who I am with. What I do. What my situation is. My thoughts. Everyone deserves a chance. I try to give them all that chance. My future girlfriend doesn't need to be perfect or fit into the certain ideal mold that would make her "perfect". I'd like to help her get there. I'd like to be there for that ride. Thoughtfully, Fifty
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Yes. That's exactly what I mean. I can tell you intend to present that as a bad thing. It very well may be. The thing is, everyone does it. Whether you like it or not. I am just going to say this now: You tend to have a very idealistic view towards people. Saying things to the effect of "A GOOD girlfriend would like you for who you are." or "People who aren't insane don't do that". Unfortunately, as much as I WOULD like to believe you, things simply are not that way. You will of course meet people who DO do all those things and more, but those people are few and far between. I'd rather enjoy myself now, and eventually bump into my soulmate down the road than just sitting around not dating anyone and waiting for the tide to wash them in. Many people have different views on this, but I like to believe I can control what happens in my life. Who I am. Who I am with. What I do. What my situation is. My thoughts. Everyone deserves a chance. I try to give them all that chance. My future girlfriend doesn't need to be perfect or fit into the certain ideal mold that would make her "perfect". I'd like to help her get there. I'd like to be there for that ride. Thoughtfully, Fifty Are you sure you're 18? I think the same way pretty much. However I don't date. I need to spend time alone and find myself and do things for myself. For a good portion of my life I was doing things for others instead of myself. My friends told me to do things for myself so that's I'm doing. I agree that you should just enjoy the process and not look so hard I also believe in giving everyone a chance. I do expect a few ideal qualities in a woman though.
Author fiftyofsomethin Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 In other news, I just accidentally found out through the magic of twitter and retweets that my ex is now going out with this guy. I mean. ****.
KungFuJoe Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Yes. That's exactly what I mean. I can tell you intend to present that as a bad thing. It very well may be. The thing is, everyone does it. Whether you like it or not. I am just going to say this now: You tend to have a very idealistic view towards people. Saying things to the effect of "A GOOD girlfriend would like you for who you are." or "People who aren't insane don't do that". Unfortunately, as much as I WOULD like to believe you, things simply are not that way. You will of course meet people who DO do all those things and more, but those people are few and far between. I'd rather enjoy myself now, and eventually bump into my soulmate down the road than just sitting around not dating anyone and waiting for the tide to wash them in. Many people have different views on this, but I like to believe I can control what happens in my life. Who I am. Who I am with. What I do. What my situation is. My thoughts. Everyone deserves a chance. I try to give them all that chance. My future girlfriend doesn't need to be perfect or fit into the certain ideal mold that would make her "perfect". I'd like to help her get there. I'd like to be there for that ride. Thoughtfully, Fifty No, not everyone puts themselves on a pedestal just because they get a compliment or two. And I certainly don't start looking for "better" just because someone I'm seeing is verbally into me. It sounds like you have low self esteem and a VERY fragile ego. 1
Star Gazer Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 No, not everyone puts themselves on a pedestal just because they get a compliment or two. And I certainly don't start looking for "better" just because someone I'm seeing is verbally into me. It sounds like you have low self esteem and a VERY fragile ego. Seconded a million times over.
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