Salvador Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 My problem is simple but complex. After five years of marriage, I found an old photo of my wife with another man in our basement. They were both naked and sitting in a forest. The photo was taken long before my wife and I met, so it really is none of my business. But for some reason, I can't get over the fact that I saw my wife naked with another man. This has changed my sexual desire with her and generally deadened the relationship, a shame since we never had major problems and we have two young children. I am trying to figure out what's wrong with me, and I would welcome any comments--be it criticism, support, advice. Thanks.
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I can totally understand how you are feeling by seeing that picture...I just wish that it didn't turn you off your wife! She had a past before you as I am sure you had one too. But she is with you, loves you and you have a family. Have you told her that you found it? Asked her why she still has it or talked to her about how it made you feel? I had some old pictures of me and my ex, but as soon as I was heavily involved (now my husband) with my new guy I threw out those pictures, I didn't ever want to see them or let alone, have my husband stumble upon them. Communicate with her, be honest and tell her how it hurt you. Let her explain and make you feel better about it. Then you need to let it go, put it out of your head and start enjoying sex again with your wife. Keep posting and I hope what I said has made abit of sense to you!
Moose Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I think you're having a natural reaction. I know I'd feel the same way if I were you. If I even think about my wife being with her boyfriend, nude, and having sex, even if it was long before we met, I feel a little pissed! Well, not a little, a lot. It's like he stole a part of her that I'll never have. By you feeling this way indicates the love you have for her. Destroy the picture if she's ok with you doing that.....move on.....look at my quote below....I have to repeat that quote a lot to keep myself from falling into a heated rage and holding against my wife. Realize.....you have her now....she was with him but chose you OVER him......he's nothing now, maybe a memory....but that's it. You're the man, you beat him!, You won, you came, you saw, you conquered....now go get her and make love to her you big lug!!!
Barby Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Okay I can completely understand how you'd be jealous, I HATED seeing a pic of my ex's "ex lover" she was a married older woman that he'd had an affair with and because he felt fondly of her cuz she helped him overcome his alcoholisim he kept her pic in his wallet along with mine, and his family's but every time I saw it I wanted to rip it up....BUT I realize he had a past and so did I. The pic was just that, a pic. In your case, seeing them nude, That would hurt worse....also make you realize and think about the fact that she shared such intimate encounters with another.. However I doubt she lied to you and said you were her "only one" obviously she isn't with this man anymore, you slept with other people before her just like she did I'm sure. It isn't something that affects the present and you shouldn't "ridicule" her for it nor do you have ANY reason to "with hold" affections from her. She is the same person she was before you saw the pic!! NOTHING but you have changed and you should tell her you saw it, ask her to rip it up, and move on. Don't let this ruin an otherwise (so you say) healthy relationship. Good luck!
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 I say just be thankful it was an old pic and not a current one. Think of how much worse you could have it. I think she should've thrown out the picture, myself. Why didn't she? Was it so insignificant that she had forgotten about it? Keep your head up and be thankful that your wife is faithful. I'd rather see that anyday over some of the other stuff it could've been. Good luck.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I'm kind of wondering what the artistic quality of the pic is. Is it like a nude painting? Or is it raunchy? In either event, I'd drop it. If anything, give it back to her and say, "Damn baby, I love seeing you naked, but there's a DUDE in this pic!!! He's not doin' it for me!" Give her a sloppy grin and a kiss for her neck and then...let it go. You get a marriage certificate when you get married, not a bill of sale. It's partnership, not ownership. So when things like this come up, you've gotta ask yourself, 'Am I adding to my spouse's life, or subtracting from it?' Whatever you saw was a memory, good or bad, it's hers. So in this case, by making a big deal you'd be 'subtracting from'.
bradd789 Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Since you asked for advice, here goes. It doesn't matter if the pic was arty farty, or two horny former lovers, or whatever. What matters is your misinterpretation of the picture. You were not there but your ego is filling in the blanks so it can raise its ugly head. If your mind needs to believe the picture was arty, or anything else to make you feel better you will never get over the problem. If you need to probe, analyise, and rationalize what you are seeing to feel better, you will never get over the problem. The problem is your mind. Ask yourself, what does this picture mean to me that it causes me to suffer? What is your ego telling you the picture is saying? Is it saying your wife is a whore? Is it saying your wife is a flake? Is it saying your wife is in love with that man because she kept the picture? Your wife is none of these things, yet you allow yourself to think it. The reality is your wife is a sweet woman. That's why the picture doesn't reconcile with the reality of your wife. That's why you have pain. It's the conflict between what is real and imagined. Choose what is real. Choose your lovely wife. Don't believe the bogus story. You are just a man looking at a picture in the basement, why does it cause you grief? Ask yourself, and I'm sure the answer will be absurd. Let's get down to it - maybe you think that guy gave her an orgasm. Is that it? Maybe that orgasm was better than what she gets from you, is that it? Guess what, anybody can give anybody an orgasm. There is nothing special about orgasm. What is special is the context in which it is given. Detach from the orgasm-oriented view. See your beautiful wife in the picture. Show her the picture. Show her how lovely she is. Show her you see it - the real her. The one with you now. If this sounds whacked, keep reading it, it will eventually sink in and you will feel much better, I promise you friend. Take it from me, I've been there.
PeachyHalo Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 I think what you're feeling is completely normal. Some people would disagree but everyones feelings and reactions are different. I moved a long, long way to be with my husband and I discovered old pictures of exes, love letters, cards, old condoms, underwear etc in his closet. I also discovered i'd been making love to him on a bed he'd had sex with several other girls on and it REALLY disturbed me. I still haven't quite got over it. How can you not get rid of those things after months of being married? So I do understand why you're upset! I was too!
JayKay Posted November 2, 2005 Posted November 2, 2005 People save things for any number of reasons. Just because you get married doesn't change the fact that you were influenced by other events and people before that. I think one thing women really fear is that by getting married, every vestige of who they were 'before' gets wiped away. People like to remember themselves in various ways; perhaps that was a 'wild' period in her life, or a time when she was feeling experimental....trying on various ideas, clothing styles, philosphies, etc. Or maybe that person was a good friend to her and she has fond memories ('fond memories' don't mean 'still in love with', by the way). I NEVER asked my BF to throw any of his old pictures or albums away. Those events are part of who he is today and I don't need to eradicate his past. I realize it can be threatening to see your wife in a sexual way with another person. Take a breath and try to see it from a logical standpoint; there was a time in your wife's life when she didn't know you. Fortunately, you two DID meet up....and aren't you both so lucky? Sounds like you had a good life up until now. Don't let jealousy blind you to what is reality; you have a good woman (from the sounds of things) who shares her body, mind and life with you. She CHOSE you.
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