Fiance walked out last night, still isn't back.

[RangerJeremiah]

Give him his space. Don't worry about it. You need to be each others' support systems, and when coming home from a stressful dy at work the last thing a man wants to deal with is Gf/wife drama.

Edited June 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ASG]

 

Give him his space. Don't worry about it. You need to be each others' support systems, and when coming home from a stressful dy at work the last thing a man wants to deal with is Gf/wife drama.

 

So you suggest not dealing with issues that arise and let them fester? Cause that right there sounds like *great* relationship advice! /sarcasm

 

If you don't want "drama" then you shouldn't take your stress out on your gf/wife. Simple as. And, if you do and get called out on it, acknowledge, apologise (or explain why you don't think you did anything wrong, or whatever) and DON'T walk out without saying where you're going and not giving any news for a whole day! And if you DO need to walk away and get some air/space, at least let your SO know you're ok.

 

It's not too much to ask, is it???

Edited June 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ripnet]

Most people have good days and bad days. Some people take it home some people don't. If you can't accept the person and blame and calling that person childish then it's time for you to leave. Until you take responsiblity for your own emotions it will be difficult to succeed. I never met someone who is perfect. There will always be conflict.

 

For example both of my sisters are bossy to their husbands. The yell or scream at them. Neither of my brother in laws complain to me or anyone about it or blame them. They just learn to accept it and deal with it because nobody is perfect. You can only change your self, not others. Maybe if you change yourself just maybe you can change others but you must change yourself first.

 

This is why I don't go into relationships easily.

[Eggplant]

There are healthy ways to deal with conflict, respectfully. Taking space when needed is acceptable -- but then you say that's what you're doing. Leaving or threatening to leave like that over a small issue is a RED FLAG. Conflict resolution skills are imperative. And in response to some domestic violence comments, no, he doesn't get points for not hitting her...

[KatZee]

He doesn't ever think anything is his fault.

 

Your fiance sounds like my ex boyfriend. He would pull this with me all the time. We never had FIGHTS. We would have conflict but there was never screaming, yelling or anything violent. However my ex could never sit and listen to any issues I was having. He instead would just close up and he would ice me out and ignore me for days. Not because he was fearful of being domestically violent with me, but for the reason someone else said above. To gain control and to get the upperhand in the relationship.

 

He wanted to emotionally manipulate me, and "punish" me. He would return days later as if nothing happened at all. We never solved any of our problems, we never got through anything. It was just him running away, ignoring, and then returning.

 

Also my ex was the same. Nothing was ever his fault. It was always me. Something I did, something I said. I was the one causing drama. It was absolutely ridiculous, childish, immature, and emotionally draining.

 

When with him I did want to marry him and now looking back I see it as a huge bullet dodged. Guys like this are emotionally stunted, they can't handle a mature relationship that requires work. I get that you're not perfect, but really ask yourself if you can go through life with someone who does this.

[veggirl]

OP I'm sorry your thread somehow caught the attention of the bitter brigade, not sure why they latched onto your very valid issue like this.

 

I think your best bet is to have a discussion with your fiance about this type of reaction when there is NO conflict. Have you guys discussed it before? Do you think you can discuss it calmly with him or would it turn into an argument?

 

This is a very concerning issue. I had a bf who would storm out when we argued...it created more problems than it solved. He is being selfish if he won't acknowledge how him running away affects you. I agree if he needs space, that's fine, but the way he is going about it is very selfish and hurtful.

 

I would tell him "we are MARRYING, spending the rest of our lives together...I can't live with the constant fear that you will run away if you get upset. I understand you need space, but how you go about it really bothers me. How can we compromise on this?" something like that...

Edited June 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[The Shepherd]

sheena233, you are in for some very tough times with this individual if you wish to continue with him.

[Robert]

***Moderators Note***

 

Let's keep this thread on topic and about the thread starter, engaging in off topic thread jacks will only earn you infractions.

 

I would also caution you to not post insults or gender biased material in this thread.

[tbf]

I was going out to meet some friends I haven't seen in several years. I went straight after work. I called him on my way out and he had just returned home and the dog had apparently had an accident, and my fiance was cleaning it up. He was downright nasty to me on the phone. I usually take care of our dog when because I get home from work earlier. But he did it since I went out.

I'm curious about something. Did you stay at work later, in order to meet up with these friends? Was there no advance planning so the dog would be taken care of?

 

The reason I ask is the following:

 

Then last night when he returned home. He had gone out with some colleagues after work. When he got back I told him the way he had spoken to me the night before hurt my feelings. He then lost it.

 

You worked late and went out with your friends, without any advance notification so the dog wasn't taken care of and your fiance had do clean up the mess. He did the same, went out with colleagues and then you took him to task for his behaviour towards you the prior evening.

 

When put like the above, I can understand why he would lose it and walk out. Equal treatment appears to be missing.

Edited June 23, 2013 by tbf

[Titania22]

Hi OP,

 

Is there any update? Has he returned or contacted you yet?

 

I understand how you feel when he just disappears and leaves things unresolved. I used to always get the same way myself. I hope you are feeling ok now that some hours have passed.

[ASG]

I'm curious about something. Did you stay at work later, in order to meet up with these friends? Was there no advance planning so the dog would be taken care of?

 

The reason I ask is the following:

 

 

 

You worked late and went out with your friends, without any advance notification so the dog wasn't taken care of and your fiance had do clean up the mess. He did the same, went out with colleagues and then you took him to task for his behaviour towards you the prior evening.

 

When put like the above, I can understand why he would lose it and walk out. Equal treatment appears to be missing.

 

You are making a lot of assumptions.

The way *I* read it, the OP went out with friends after work (no word on working late), so didn't go home to take care of the dog, leaving that task to the fiance.

Why would the OP go home first? We don't know how ar away home and work are. Also, nothing indicates the OP didn't tell the fiance what she was doing.

 

The way I read the whole situation is that the OP went out with friends, and the fiance knew he had to take care of the dog, but didn't like doing it and snapped at the OP.

The next day, the OP brought it up and the fiance lost it. Again.

 

Why can't the OP go out with friends and tell her fiance he hurt her feelings?

[jolie_baby]

It seems to me like there was no argument between you two. The way you put it, he is very stressed and instead of showing support and choose the correct time later to express your feelings, you choose to add to his stress and argue and start crying... give him a break please, he sounds like a good man. And please choose the good time when you both are feeling better to argue/ discuss your issues. This way you are just pushing him away. Above all of this you are calling him controlling. Seriously? he is stressed at work and you argue and cry and he is controlling?... sorry, dont know why this pissed me off, maybe because i know that stress at work can be very consuming and when that happens people need support and not to deal with a needy partner.

[Els]

Regardless of what happened and who was in the right or wrong in that argument... IMO, leaving overnight without a word breaks some very important boundaries. It's one thing for him to say he's going to take a couple hours to clear his mind and go out for a walk so both of you have time to calm down. Staying away overnight is another thing entirely, and seems excessive, especially when done in that manner.

 

The last time he did it, what happened after he returned?

[Ripnet]

Regardless of what happened and who was in the right or wrong in that argument... IMO, leaving overnight without a word breaks some very important boundaries. It's one thing for him to say he's going to take a couple hours to clear his mind and go out for a walk so both of you have time to calm down. Staying away overnight is another thing entirely, and seems excessive, especially when done in that manner.

 

The last time he did it, what happened after he returned?

 

 

Funny that OP didn't call her fiance that she was going out with friends. It is safe to assume someone is going for a while if they storm off, just like some women expect men to take hints.

[ASG]

Funny that OP didn't call her fiance that she was going out with friends. It is safe to assume someone is going for a while if they storm off, just like some women expect men to take hints.

 

You're assuming that. Nowhere does it say the OP's fiance didn't know the OP was going out with friends. Only that she called him as he was leaving work and that she usually takes care of the dog, but he did it this time because she was going out.

[Ripnet]

You're assuming that. Nowhere does it say the OP's fiance didn't know the OP was going out with friends. Only that she called him as he was leaving work and that she usually takes care of the dog, but he did it this time because she was going out.

 

Actually I can only give my opinion with the facts given. OP should answer the question asked then I can change my mind.

[Ripnet]

Common sense tells me if someone is really upset they aren't going to talk to me for a while if they walk away. It could be several hours, a day or whatever. If they don't come back for a while then I can see it but a over night or a day?

[happywithlife]

I guess we'll never find out what happened.

[Ripnet]

You're assuming that. Nowhere does it say the OP's fiance didn't know the OP was going out with friends. Only that she called him as he was leaving work and that she usually takes care of the dog, but he did it this time because she was going out.

And how are you so sure what really did happen? Maybe his phone died. Maybe he forgot to take his phone with him when he decided to go out with his buddies.

[ASG]

And how are you so sure what really did happen? Maybe his phone died. Maybe he forgot to take his phone with him when he decided to go out with his buddies.

 

You're confused.

I have no idea whether the OPs fiance had told her about going out with buddies or not. Never did I mention it at all.

The post you quoted was about the OP going out with friends. We don't know if the OP warned the fiance in advance or not, just that she called when leaving work to go meet her friends, and that her going out meant the fiance had to take care of the dog, which was usually the OPs job, but not that day, as she went out (no indication on whether the fiance knew he was tasked with the dog or not).

 

There is also no indication that the OP was mad at her fiance for going out with his friends, just that she was hurt by the way he spoke to her on the phone the day before and called him up on it when he returned home the next day.

 

 

I am assuming the fiance has returned home. Lack of communication from the OP certainly suggests as much.

[Ripnet]

You're confused.

I have no idea whether the OPs fiance had told her about going out with buddies or not. Never did I mention it at all.

The post you quoted was about the OP going out with friends. We don't know if the OP warned the fiance in advance or not, just that she called when leaving work to go meet her friends, and that her going out meant the fiance had to take care of the dog, which was usually the OPs job, but not that day, as she went out (no indication on whether the fiance knew he was tasked with the dog or not).

 

There is also no indication that the OP was mad at her fiance for going out with his friends, just that she was hurt by the way he spoke to her on the phone the day before and called him up on it when he returned home the next day.

 

 

No, I'm not confused. I can only go by the information that was given. You can not change others. Maybe if you change yourself the other person may change. I'm not taking sides just what I see what was written.

[Titania22]

OP please update, we are on the edges of our seats, waiting to know how this unfolds.

[TheGuard13]

Sounds pretty childish, immature, and borderline abusive to me. Needing space is one thing. People get angry, and there's nothing wrong with taking some time to cool down and process things. But it sounds like this guy has some anger/frustration issues and serious communication issues. I'm fairly certain this type of passive-aggressive nonsense is considered emotionally abusive. If this guy won't attend counseling, I'd be done with him. Certainly don't reward his bad behavior by acting happy when he comes home after he acts so childish.

[jolie_baby]

has anyone considered the possibility that this guy is actually (as the OP herself says) having issues at work and is stressed out at work,then comes back to a crying fiance, and maybe he simply has too much on his shoulders that he cannot deal with it now? You assume he is the one who cannot communicate (rather than the one who is for example stressed) and assumer also that the OP is a good communicator (who clearly to start with cries to her fiance when she is fully aware that he is stressed at work and doesnt mention what has she done to support him)...

[TheGuard13]

Being stressed out or upset is not a valid excuse for immature or hurtful behavior.