Fiance walked out last night, still isn't back.

[sheena233]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm a newbie here and I'm really needing some advice from some unbiased people. I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years, we are getting married in October, this year. Last night we had an argument and he walked out, angry and texted me telling me he wasn't coming home. I haven't heard from him since last night. I don't know where he is and his phone is off.

 

Unfortunately this isn't the first time he has done this. It happened once before over a year ago. He checked into a hotel and stayed overnight returning a full day later. Our argument started when I told him I was hurt that he was very short with me the evening before. The last few days he has been very edgy. He has been stressed out at work and he has a very "high up" position in the company and he isnt happy with how things are going there. I feel like he has been bringing that anxiety home and taking it out on me.

 

Last night when we were talking and I told him he had hurt my feelings, I started to cry. He told me I was being ridiculous and dramatic. My fiance is very educated and intelligent. He is very introverted, where I'm extroverted and have no problem saying how I feel. He would rather avoid conflict and walk away from the situation then deal with it head on.

 

He has been very good to me and in all other facets of life, he is a wonderful and generous man. I love him dearly and I know he is very devoted to me. But this getting up and leaving isn't something I can deal with for the rest of my life! I feel its manipulative and cruel and its his way of controlling the situation. I could really use some help.

[silvermercy]

They way you describe your relationship you sound like two different types all together. Are you sure you're suited to each other? Because if I was in your place I'd ask myself this question...

 

Remember, marriage is for better and for worse.

[sheena233]

They way you describe your relationship you sound like two different types all together. Are you sure you're suited to each other? Because if I was in your place I'd ask myself this question...

 

Remember, marriage is for better and for worse.

 

 

Just because people are opposites doesn't mean they can't love each other and be together. We have been very happy. But this is a downfall of his. Being emotionally distant. I'm not perfect either.

[Hopeinme]

I think him walking out is just a way of showing that he doea not want to fight. I have learnt that relationships are all about compromise and sometimes we just have to give in. You said that you love him and he sounds like he is stressed up at work. Maybe you should give him some time and extend your support - I am sure you did and continue to do so. When he feels a lot better, maybe you ahould express how you feel in a calm manner and tell him how hurt you feel when he walks out like that. I think this sounds like its worth the effort and hopefully he comes back to you soon. I am sure he will. I hope thins work kut well! Be strong xx

[Arabella]

My ex-husband pulled that crap on me two or three times during our marriage. During an argument, instead of staying and dealing with the issue he would just run off. He would usually leave keys, wallet, phone, etc everything behind. I had no way of contacting him and usually would spend the entire night awake worrying sick.

 

The second time he did this, he attempted to commit suicide. Or so he told me when he eventually returned, anyway. He still did it one more time after that.

 

At that point, I completely emotionally withdrew and I was done with the man. I left him a year later. Not for this reason alone, but it was definitely a huge factor.

 

It's extremely manipulative to do this to your significant other. They are basically forcing you to worry to gain an upper hand in the argument... when they eventually come back, you're so relieved you don't care about what you were arguing with! It's so selfish.

 

Nobody should have to put up with that kind of emotional blackmail. I suggest you have a talk with him when he gets back and explain very firmly how this made you feel. Then, give him ONE chance. If he does it again, it's time to cancel that wedding and reconsider the relationship. If it's like this before you get married, it's NOT going to get better!

[Ripnet]

If he comes back try to get him into counselling if he is willing at least try to talk to him into it.

[sheena233]

My ex-husband pulled that crap on me two or three times during our marriage. During an argument, instead of staying and dealing with the issue he would just run off. He would usually leave keys, wallet, phone, etc everything behind. I had no way of contacting him and usually would spend the entire night awake worrying sick.

 

The second time he did this, he attempted to commit suicide. Or so he told me when he eventually returned, anyway. He still did it one more time after that.

 

At that point, I completely emotionally withdrew and I was done with the man. I left him a year later. Not for this reason alone, but it was definitely a huge factor.

 

It's extremely manipulative to do this to your significant other. They are basically forcing you to worry to gain an upper hand in the argument... when they eventually come back, you're so relieved you don't care about what you were arguing with! It's so selfish.

 

Nobody should have to put up with that kind of emotional blackmail. I suggest you have a talk with him when he gets back and explain very firmly how this made you feel. Then, give him ONE chance. If he does it again, it's time to cancel that wedding and reconsider the relationship. If it's like this before you get married, it's NOT going to get better!

 

You are 100% correct he is doing it to get the upperhand. The last time he did this I was so happy he returned I had actually almost forgotten about all the stress he caused. This time I'm keeping my cool and not "chasing" him. I'm going forward with my plan for the weekend without him. He left with the clothes on his back and thats it. He has no family in the area so he has to return eventually. But its still very hurtful

[Ami1uwant]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm a newbie here and I'm really needing some advice from some unbiased people. I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years, we are getting married in October, this year. Last night we had an argument and he walked out, angry and texted me telling me he wasn't coming home. I haven't heard from him since last night. I don't know where he is and his phone is off.

 

He has been very good to me and in all other facets of life, he is a wonderful and generous man. I love him dearly and I know he is very devoted to me. But this getting up and leaving isn't something I can deal with for the rest of my life! I feel its manipulative and cruel and its his way of controlling the situation. I could really use some help.

 

 

Its really hard to give advice when we have no idea what the argument was about.

 

If you know he is going through this stress at work and you confront him about something else you come off as insensitive.

 

 

Some handle thing by leaving the situation---it isnt manipulative or cruel its how they handle a situation without having it escalate.

[Keenly]

I think it would actually help a lot to know what the argument was about to see if his reaction was justified.

 

Were you talking about some one not doing the dishes or were you talking about making out with some one else.

 

 

It really actually matters.

[Ripnet]

My ex-husband pulled that crap on me two or three times during our marriage. During an argument, instead of staying and dealing with the issue he would just run off. He would usually leave keys, wallet, phone, etc everything behind. I had no way of contacting him and usually would spend the entire night awake worrying sick.

 

The second time he did this, he attempted to commit suicide. Or so he told me when he eventually returned, anyway. He still did it one more time after that.

 

At that point, I completely emotionally withdrew and I was done with the man. I left him a year later. Not for this reason alone, but it was definitely a huge factor.

 

It's extremely manipulative to do this to your significant other. They are basically forcing you to worry to gain an upper hand in the argument... when they eventually come back, you're so relieved you don't care about what you were arguing with! It's so selfish.

 

Nobody should have to put up with that kind of emotional blackmail. I suggest you have a talk with him when he gets back and explain very firmly how this made you feel. Then, give him ONE chance. If he does it again, it's time to cancel that wedding and reconsider the relationship. If it's like this before you get married, it's NOT going to get better!

 

 

I'm going to disagree simply it based on people's beliefs or rules. When someone is an angry state they might want to leave before it escalates into something worse. Would you rather have a domestic violence or let him leave for a day or two and let him cool down.

 

Besides you can't not solve a problem or differences when two people or at least one person is angry.

 

For me even if I'm not angry but the other person is and they start yelling or doing things that isn't good I ask them to stop several times. If they continue I will leave to let the person cool off. I might be gone for a few hours or a day depending how bad and emotional intensity with that person.

 

If you were the angry person you should think of what you did and see if you could handle it better. If the person who left was the angry one you should see how not to make him angry.

 

Also OP he wasn't really angry at you at least in the beginning. He was angry about work that just happened to spill over at home. I know it's easy saying this but you know how it is for him at work so when he says things to hurt you remember that he is just in a bad emotional state. Ideally you should be trying to comfort him and ask him to talk about work and do things to ease the tension.

[sheena233]

Its really hard to give advice when we have no idea what the argument was about.

 

If you know he is going through this stress at work and you confront him about something else you come off as insensitive.

 

 

Some handle thing by leaving the situation---it isnt manipulative or cruel its how they handle a situation without having it escalate.

 

 

I totally disagree. Its manipulative and childish. Very immature.

[silvermercy]

Just because people are opposites doesn't mean they can't love each other and be together. We have been very happy. But this is a downfall of his. Being emotionally distant. I'm not perfect either.

That is true. But also why it can be dangerous at the same time. You can love someone deeply but just not be compatible. Just imagine if this behaviour of his (which I find immature) happened every time you had an argument for the rest of your life.

[sheena233]

I think it would actually help a lot to know what the argument was about to see if his reaction was justified.

 

Were you talking about some one not doing the dishes or were you talking about making out with some one else.

 

 

It really actually matters.

 

 

The argument was over a conversation we had the night before. I was going out to meet some friends I haven't seen in several years. I went straight after work. I called him on my way out and he had just returned home and the dog had apparently had an accident, and my fiance was cleaning it up. He was downright nasty to me on the phone. I usually take care of our dog when because I get home from work earlier. But he did it since I went out.

 

I told him I didn't appreciate him talking to me the way he did and he then hung up on me. That was Thursday night.

 

Then last night when he returned home. He had gone out with some colleagues after work. When he got back I told him the way he had spoken to me the night before hurt my feelings. He then lost it.

[Arabella]

I'm going to disagree simply it based on people's beliefs or rules. When someone is an angry state they might want to leave before it escalates into something worse. Would you rather have a domestic violence or let him leave for a day or two and let him cool down.

 

Besides you can't not solve a problem or differences when two people or at least one person is angry.

 

For me even if I'm not angry but the other person is and they start yelling or doing things that isn't good I ask them to stop several times. If they continue I will leave to let the person cool off. I might be gone for a few hours or a day depending how bad and emotional intensity with that person.

 

If you were the angry person you should think of what you did and see if you could handle it better. If the person who left was the angry one you should see how not to make him angry.

 

Also OP he wasn't really angry at you at least in the beginning. He was angry about work that just happened to spill over at home. I know it's easy saying this but you know how it is for him at work so when he says things to hurt you remember that he is just in a bad emotional state. Ideally you should be trying to comfort him and ask him to talk about work and do things to ease the tension.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with you also. While I understand someone might need to get away from the conflict in order to process the emotions, there is NO justification for doing it this way.

 

If he cannot stay and continue the discussion rationally, then the only right thing to do is to let the other person know your intent. At least, this way they KNOW what's going on and not worry. It doesn't take much to say "I have to go, I need some time away" on your way out the door.

 

Need for space is perfectly understandable. The way in which he did it, however, is NOT okay.

[Ami1uwant]

The argument was over a conversation we had the night before. I was going out to meet some friends I haven't seen in several years. I went straight after work. I called him on my way out and he had just returned home and the dog had apparently had an accident, and my fiance was cleaning it up. He was downright nasty to me on the phone. I usually take care of our dog when because I get home from work earlier. But he did it since I went out.

 

I told him I didn't appreciate him talking to me the way he did and he then hung up on me. That was Thursday night.

 

Then last night when he returned home. He had gone out with some colleagues after work. When he got back I told him the way he had spoken to me the night before hurt my feelings. He then lost it.

 

 

 

It sounds like he doesnt want the dog and you do...so he doesnt want to have to deal with cleaning up after the dog.

Edited June 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sheena233]

That is true. But also why it can be dangerous at the same time. You can love someone deeply but just not be compatible. Just imagine if this behaviour of his (which I find immature) happened every time you had an argument for the rest of your life.

 

 

It doesn't happen everytime we have an argument. The last time it happened he also had a stressful time at work.

[sheena233]

 

It sounds like he doesnt want the dog and you do...so he doesnt want to have to deal with cleaning up after the dog.

 

 

The dog and him are inseparable.

Edited June 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ltjg45]

I totally disagree. Its manipulative and childish. Very immature.

 

Then you should end it because it is not going to get any better.

 

Because, while I wouldn't talk to you that way concerning the dog over the phone, if you were to blow up on me concerning anything (it doesn't matter how severe it is), I'm bolting for a few hours at the least.

 

If you can't talk to me calmly, don't talk to me at all.

 

What he did has no excuses (and completely different for an introvert because I couldn't do it) but you made it worse when you blew back on him.

[sheena233]

Then you should end it because it is not going to get any better.

 

Because, while I wouldn't talk to you that way concerning the dog over the phone, if you were to blow up on me concerning anything (it doesn't matter how severe it is), I'm bolting for a few hours at the least.

 

If you can't talk to me calmly, don't talk to me at all.

 

What he did has no excuses (and completely different for an introvert because I couldn't do it) but you made it worse when you blew back on him.

 

I was calm when I spoke to him. I didn't yell.

[ltjg45]

I was calm when I spoke to him. I didn't yell.

 

Reading the opening post didn't give me that vibe but I will take your word for it.

 

Even then, you had a legit reason for your actions. It is still his fault.

[sheena233]

Reading the opening post didn't give me that vibe but I will take your word for it.

 

Even then, you had a legit reason for your actions. It is still his fault.

 

He doesn't ever think anything is his fault.

[Ripnet]

I'm going to have to disagree with you also. While I understand someone might need to get away from the conflict in order to process the emotions, there is NO justification for doing it this way.

 

If he cannot stay and continue the discussion rationally, then the only right thing to do is to let the other person know your intent. At least, this way they KNOW what's going on and not worry. It doesn't take much to say "I have to go, I need some time away" on your way out the door.

 

Need for space is perfectly understandable. The way in which he did it, however, is NOT okay.

 

Sorry but I'm going to disagree. Everyone has their beliefs and how to deal with things. There is no right way to do things. Would you rather have him screaming and yelling through the night or kicking the door down or hitting her?

I've seen domestic violence when I was a kid and I swore I would never do such a thing. I don't care how he treated her he felt he needed to get away.

In marriage you're suppose to look out for one another. When someone has a real bad day and lashes out the other person tolerates it and understand it isn't them.

 

All he probably saw was more problem besides at work. He felt over whelmed. It's no different with woman with their monthly period acting all emotional.

 

Last night when we were talking and I told him he had hurt my feelings, I started to cry. He told me I was being ridiculous and dramatic.

 

 

She cried she's using crying to get his attention. She is getting dramatic over something isn't a big deal. She's trying to manipulate him at least that's how I see it. If a woman did that I would be leaving too because guys don't like that. Sorry but it's not what mature adults do. They don't cry to manipulate people.

Edited June 22, 2013 by Ripnet

[ASG]

Then why are you still with him? Crying isn't manipulative over something petty?

 

Obviously you're not prepared for marriage, not even close. Both of you have issues to resolve.

 

When I'm upset, I cry. It's not meant to be manipulative, it's just a reaction I have to being angry, sad or upset.

 

She told him she was upset with the way he spoke to her, which is MORE than valid, BTW. She cried about it. He left without another word and has gone MIA:

 

Which one is being manipulative?

 

Even if you need time and/or space, there is no harm in sending a text or email (if you don't want to talk) to let the other person know you're ok. Not doing that is selfish and manipulative and honestly, I would have real trouble taking that person back after hurting me that way.

[happywithlife]

None of us know exactly went on between the OP and her fiancé the night before the fight and during the fight. And I don't think we should be pointing fingers to say one person is bad or no its the other one. It sounds to me that the issue arises from the inability to communicate about conflict. It could be from one of the two or both. We weren't there and we won't know.

 

Leaving and not telling your fiance where you are going is not a great way to deal with your anger or stress. It doesn't resolve the issue and adds a lot of stress to the relationship.

 

It sounds like you two need to enroll in some counseling to see if you can learn a better way to deal with stress and conflict. Learning how to "fight fair" is important because then you can resolve conflicts. It takes work from both of you to do so! Good luck!

 

And if you don't choose to go to counseling, stop and ask yourself can this person support me and can I support them through our lives - and I don't mean financial support. Each of your independence and teamwork is important.

[kaylan]

Just because people are opposites doesn't mean they can't love each other and be together. We have been very happy. But this is a downfall of his. Being emotionally distant. I'm not perfect either.

Being this opposite doesnt make the future look good. I mean, Im glad that he avoids arguing with you, but to completely disappear like he does? Thats immature.

 

You think you can handle that when you are his wife and have kids? Can you handle someone who cannot express how they feel and is very introverted? Could you handle someone who may leave for a day or two at a time and you have no idea where they are or how they are doing?

 

You need to tell him that this behavior isnt acceptable to you. I personally wouldnt tolerate a relationship like that. And Im not drawn to introverts in the first place. I need a woman who can express herself and talk things out with me.

 

Good luck.