Fiance wants me to stop using marijuana or its over?

June 22, 2013

I love my fiance more than I can explain. Our relationship is literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I love coming home to her being here. I love the little house we have, I love spending time with her, and I love our future together. She is 6 months pregnant with our twin girls and I'm really excited. I want to be a good daddy to them and I know our girls will look to me as a model of the kind of man they should find in life. I also want to be a great husband to my fiance. She is out of work with her pregnancy. I do not mind at all, but that leaves me with paying all the bills and I work very hard and 40 hours a week to do so. I do not buy weed, but my friends at work stop by my house on the way home to smoke with me almost everyday& Another friend gives me weed as he is in excess. My fiance is very adamant that I stop smoking. That's the problem, I guess. We were friends before we started dating &We smoked together. She stopped. Before we started dating she told me she would date me under one condition. That I stop smoking weed and take care of the probation I was on at the time. I stopped for well over a year. It was a good year too.

Later I actually talked her into smoking with me again like old times. I genuinely thought it would be a fun thing to do just once. Even though I really only intened for it to be ONCE, We ended up smoking every day together after work for months. She stopped again. She said it was a mistake and that it made her feel like a loser. I stopped again too. A month later she was pregnant.

She was really sick in her first few months of pregnancy. She told me if I wanted to smoke a little so I could have something to do she didn't really mind, but not to get any ideas. Now she's 6 months pregnant. She wants me to quit. I haven't REALLY done a good job of trying. I don't feel like it's wrong, I just feel like she's over reacting, and if it's not hurting anyone why is it wrong? When I come home it relaxes me. I'm not spending any money. I do not feel like it makes me act different. She hates it though. I really don't plan on smoking forever. I really don't know why I smoke so much now. I won't smoke when the babies are here. She says, "you say you wont, but you will."

She says things like "our kids will not appreciate your life decisions", or "do you not care about me?", "the people you work with aren't your friends". She has even told me that me smoking weed makes her feel sometimes like she's losing feelings for me, and that she doesn't want me to be "that kind of parent" around our babies. She even said once in an argument that "If you don't grow up you'll only see your kids on the weekends with court ordered supervision because I'm not putting up with this sh*t". That was a low blow and hurt really bad. I don't think she will really leave me though. I feel like she says those things out of hormonal rage?I don't want to hurt her. I know she cries. That kills me. I know she's worried. I just don't understand. The following was a note she wrote me trying to explain her thought process. Her words:

"Baby,

I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye. It's something I'm never going to be okay with. At least not fully. Maybe I have weed aversion? Whatever the reason is though, I cannot explain, but it's putting a wedge between us. That's not my fault. I can't help the way I feel about it. It's my moral fiber. I don't want to play the blaming game either. I've cried today for the last time. I'm done. I literally feel myself emotionally unattached from you little by little the more you smoke and promise to quit. To me, it's a sign of weakness. It's something we've both done in the past to escape horrible times. That's what weed is for us. An escape. You want to escape our first house together? Our first pregnancy? We have a good life now and I want you to be present for it. And I don't really care if your stomach hurts or any little excuse you can make. There are people dying who don't smoke. You will make it without weed. You know I have never tolerated "excuses". I don't want this life. You are different when high. More like a fixture in the room with red eyes that occasionally talks to me than a mate. I'm not in love with you when you smoke weed. I'm in love with you when you are who you REALLY are. I feel disrespected. I feel stupid. I have no one to talk to. I'm too ashamed of it to get any advice from anyone. You may think it's not a problem or doesn't change you, but it does. Leaving you over this would be the HARDEST decision I've ever made in my life. So I'm asking you to help me make that decision. Me and the girls, or weed and loser co-workers?"

I'm lost guys. Should I change even though I don't feel it's wrong, or try to compromise with her? Am I really this person she says I am, who's an addict to having an escape? I don't feel I'm trying to escape. I've told her that a million times though. I'm not unhappy without weed. I just enjoy it. Help?

June 22, 2013

but my friends at work stop by my house on the way home to smoke with me almost everyday& Another friend gives me weed as he is in excess.

Almost every day????

That is excessive.

I'm not unhappy without weed. I just enjoy it. Help?

I'm not unhappy without doughnuts either. I just enjoy them. But not everyday. (And I have a doughnut blog - so it is a serious analogy.)

Sometimes you have to do what is right for your health and your family.

June 22, 2013

You should stop smoking. She isn't asking you to change and become a completely different person, she's asking you to get rid of one habit that she clearly feels strongly about.

Weigh the cost of stopping this one habit against everything you could lose over it and think for a second.

June 22, 2013

Since you say you are okay without it, why cant you just try to stop, baby steps maybe? Atleast if she sees you are trying, she might calm down and its really important that she does not feel so stressed during the pregnancy. Make her happy just for this. Its for the good for you, the babies and onviously I think her happiness matters to you. I think what's said above is so nicely put, think about what you could lose if you dont stop. And dont underestimate it when a woman says she wont handle the ****, she might not mean it but eventually she might just. I hope you two get things sorted out

June 22, 2013

Are you really going to blaze up around your kids?

June 22, 2013

Hum.. it would appear to be a no brainer to me. What's cheaper, quitting weed or making child support payments for twins for the next 18 years?

June 22, 2013

If you aren't unhappy without it, why is this even a question? Knock it off and help your finance through her pregnancy for her, your kids, and yourself.

June 22, 2013

If you can't sacrifice smoking weed for your wife and children, then you have a problem. As a former mega pot-head believe me, you can live just fine without it. It may take some time to stop living so close to the comfort of getting high, but there will come a point where you won't even think about it or miss it. That's not to say you can never smoke again. But you may find after you've stopped for a few years that it's no way to live really--it's a cop out. One major reason I don't use is because I have creative ideas and I want to be sure that these are all sober and sensible and not some whiskey muscle or bong vision. I tried to be business partners with a guy who smoked and he became intoxicated with everything he thought up and none of it past the credibility test. Experience with him changed my attitude entirely. I aslo wanted to find out if I could be a musician without grabbing guitar or bass every time I was high. I finally learned what the hell I was doing. Smoking and learning are like oil and water.

June 22, 2013

Ask her if she would rather have you drink alcohol everyday, it's one or the other!

June 23, 2013

She was really sick in her first few months of pregnancy. She told me if I
wanted to smoke a little so I could have something to do she didn't really
mind, but not to get any ideas. Now she's 6 months pregnant. She wants me to
quit.

As much as I don't want to blame it on her pregnancy hormones...there's a chance they're affecting her change in judgment on the matter.

I haven't REALLY done a good job of trying. I don't feel like it's
wrong, I just feel like she's over reacting, and if it's not hurting
anyone why is it wrong?

Provided you smoke it responsibly, I see nothing wrong with it, either. Alcohol is much worse, but until someone is an alcoholic, no one bats an eyelash... screwed up way things are run, I know. It's not like you're smoking meth or something.

When I come home it relaxes me. I'm not spending any money. I do not
feel like it makes me act different. She hates it though. I really don't
plan on smoking forever. I really don't know why I smoke so much now. I
won't smoke when the babies are here. She says, "you say you wont, but you
will."

You work hard, and if it helps you unwind, you're not buying it, and I imagine you're not smoking a ton of it, all at once, I don't understand her logic. The fact that she assumes you won't keep your word in unfair.

She says things like "our kids will not appreciate your life decisions", or "do
you not care about me?", "the people you work with aren't your friends".

I hate to say this, but she's grasping at straws; she's trying to make you feel guilty about something ridiculous. You already stated you'd quit once your kids are born. Even if you didn't, as long as it doesn't affect your ability to care for them (as in not smoking it around them, and using it on a limited basis, such as a single joint, once they're in bed) it shouldn't be an issue. Again; people drink with their kids still awake, and it's "socially acceptable" to many. But smoke a little pot, and *gasp* "You're a horrible parent!"

She has even told me that me smoking weed makes her feel sometimes
like she's losing feelings for me, and that she doesn't want me to be
"that kind of parent" around our babies. She even said once in an argument
that "If you don't grow up you'll only see your kids on the weekends with
court ordered supervision because I'm not putting up with this sh*t".

Good god, no one let her be the poster woman for pregnancy! If anything, during my pregnancy, I mellowed right out. I was more in control, less angry. Your fiancée is hitting below the belt to get what she wants. I understand her not wanting you to smoke when the kids are born, or maybe if you're smoking too much each time that you do...but it really sounds like she's blowing this way out of proportion.

That was a low blow and hurt really bad. I don't think she will
really leave me though. I feel like she says those things out of hormonal
rage?I don't want to hurt her. I know she cries. That kills me. I know
she's worried. I just don't understand. The following was a note she wrote
me trying to explain her thought process. Her words:

"Baby,

I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye. It's something I'm never going to be okay
with. At least not fully. Maybe I have weed aversion? Whatever the reason is
though, I cannot explain, but it's putting a wedge between us. That's not my
fault.

Yeah, stopping it right there. It's not her fault? No. But nor is it yours. If she has an aversion to it, that's her problem. It's not your responsibility to do as she does. Your her partner, not her shadow.

I can't help the way I feel about it. It's my moral fiber.

Because somehow, smoking a little bit of pot makes you immoral. Right. No. Smoking crack, doing heroine, and doing ecstasy are bad ideas. Pot is hardly a problem. Again, alcohol is legal, and it does far more damage.

I don't want to play the blaming game either. I've cried today for
the last time. I'm done. I literally feel myself emotionally unattached
from you little by little the more you smoke and promise to quit. To me,
it's a sign of weakness. It's something we've both done in the past to
escape horrible times. That's what weed is for us. An escape. You want to
escape our first house together? Our first pregnancy? We have a good life
now and I want you to be present for it.

Was it only an escape? Most of the people I know who smoke it only do so socially. Yeah, there are others I know who smoke it because they don't know how to have a good time without it, but was it really only an escape? And even if it was, she's guilt-tripping again with a straw man approach. You aren't necessarily escaping your life with her; you're trying to escape from some of the other pressures. She and your future children may be the centre of your Universe, but they're not the only things in your Universe. Point that out to her. She's not being rational.

And I don't really care if your stomach hurts or any little excuse
you can make. There are people dying who don't smoke. You will make
it without weed. You know I have never tolerated "excuses". I don't
want this life. You are different when high. More like a fixture in the
room with red eyes that occasionally talks to me than a mate. I'm not in
love with you when you smoke weed. I'm in love with you when you are who
you REALLY are. I feel disrespected. I feel stupid. I have no one to
talk to. I'm too ashamed of it to get any advice from anyone. You may
think it's not a problem or doesn't change you, but it does. Leaving you
over this would be the HARDEST decision I've ever made in my life. So
I'm asking you to help me make that decision. Me and the girls, or weed
and loser co-workers?"

Hmm. Despite her over-reacting, I can somewhat see where she's coming from, here. She feels neglected. She needs you to be more present.

I'm lost guys. Should I change even though I don't feel it's wrong, or try to compromise with her? Am I really this person she says I am, who's an addict to having an escape? I don't feel I'm trying to escape. I've told her that a million times though. I'm not unhappy without weed. I just enjoy it. Help?

I agree with the idea of a compromise. She's blown it out of proportion, but at the same time, she is pregnant with your daughters, and right now, she's going through a lot-physically and emotionally-so she's probably a little scared. She needs you to be more on-board with the changes occurring in your life. At the same time though, she shouldn't expect you to quit, outright. At least, not at first. Especially if it helps you deal with external stress.

Talk to her about it, and see if she'll allow a single joint a day, or a few times a week.

If she can't accept those terms...well, I know it seems unreasonable, but I'd quit. If you care about her, and want to have a real life with her and your daughters (as much as her threat to leave is unfair) I'd just quit for now, and revisit the topic with her, later.

In short, she is over-reacting, and part of it likely is hormones, but the other part is due to the experience she is undergoing psychologically and emotionally.

June 23, 2013

Talk to her about it, and see if she'll allow a single joint a day, or a few times a week.

I think that is what he is doing now -- and is believed to be excessive by his wife and many of us here.

June 23, 2013

What's she going to ask for next ?

June 23, 2013

I can't believe some of these responses, behaving like the relationship is a game of chicken or something. It does not harm to give in to the person you love once in a while especially since this is an issue she feels strongly about.

Would you be happier getting stoned on your own or raising your child with the woman you love sober?

June 23, 2013

I mean do you think it's a great idea to raise your babies in a house where young dudes are dropping by every day to get stoned? Like really? You know, babies/toddlers are a LOT more aware at a very young age than many people recognize.

And I assume you smoke inside. Do you think that's a great thing for your babies to breathe in? A good environment for them?

Is the 92 in your username reflective of your birth year per chance?

It just seems VERY odd that you are questioning whether or not you should give up an illegal substance (that you are obvs addicted to or you wouldn't be asking..........) for your babies and fiance.

I mean if you drank a 6 pack a night and she was like "I can't deal with this" would you think that was odd?

June 23, 2013

The people who criticise certain drugs are often the ones who don't have a clue what they are talking about and they don't understand that moderate use of drugs like marijuana can be very beneficial to an individuals creativity and love of life as well as helping increase self esteem as long as they use it responsibly. It sounds to me like she is trying to pressure you into quitting because of her own insecurities and the fact that she even said it makes her feel like a loser when she smokes but I get the distinct impression that you are a responsible adult who goes to work and pays the bills so its definitely not having a negative impact on your own life at all. My opinion is that people should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do as long as they aren't hurting other people so I think your partner is being very unfair and her demands are born totally from her own insecurities and have nothing to do with the impact marijuana has on your life. So no! don't quit doing the things you love for anybody and make her understand that marijuana is a positive part of your own life even if its a negative part of hers when she takes it.

June 23, 2013

a partner asking you to stop doing illegal drugs isn't the same as a partner asking you to change your personality or your behavior. if you want the relationship to work, then yes, you should seek help and you should stop doing drugs.

if you think doing drugs is worth more than your relationship, then i guess you should keep doing drugs and let her leave you.

Edited June 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed full quoted post

June 23, 2013

The people who criticise certain drugs are often the ones who don't have a clue what they are talking about and they don't understand that moderate use of drugs like marijuana can be very beneficial to an individuals creativity and love of life as well as helping increase self esteem as long as they use it responsibly.

Ahem.

Daily use is not "moderate" by any means and with an infant on the way and friends dropping by to get stoned "almost every day," there is no way that is "responsible."

June 23, 2013

What's she going to ask for next ?

What she's already asking him to do: be responsible, law-abiding and mature.

I guess that's hard for some folks to get their head round.

Smoking drugs isn't clever, admirable or commendable.

June 23, 2013

The people who criticise certain drugs are often the ones who don't have a clue what they are talking about and they don't understand that moderate use of drugs like marijuana can be very beneficial to an individuals creativity and love of life as well as helping increase self esteem as long as they use it responsibly.

This is the kind of rubbish people who like smoking drugs tell themselves - and others, in order to convince everyone that hey! Really! It's perfectly Okay, honest!

Well, in the amount he's smoking it, no. It's not.

The big problem is that it's artificial.

And it's temporary.

I can achieve the same 'highs' without resorting to a recreational drug.

How can you use an illegal recreational drug ' responsibly'?

Is that you line of defence to a cop if he catches you with it?

"It's ok, officer, I use it responsibly...."

It sounds to me like she is trying to pressure you into quitting because of her own insecurities and the fact that she even said it makes her feel like a loser when she smokes but I get the distinct impression that you are a responsible adult who goes to work and pays the bills so its definitely not having a negative impact on your own life at all. My opinion is that people should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do as long as they aren't hurting other people so I think your partner is being very unfair and her demands are born totally from her own insecurities and have nothing to do with the impact marijuana has on your life. So no! don't quit doing the things you love for anybody and make her understand that marijuana is a positive part of your own life even if its a negative part of hers when she takes it.

You're obviously missing the point.

(And a whole load of punctuation too....)

He is not a 'responsible' adult if he smokes the amount he does.

It will affect his judgement, spatial awareness, concentration, lucidity and basic common sense.

If it's having a negative impact on her life, and she's pregnant with his child, then he owes her the courtesy and consideration of taking her wishes as legitimate and complying.

If it's too much to ask, then you just have to wonder where his priorities lie: in the relationship he has with her, or the 'relationship' he has with his habit?

June 23, 2013

This is the kind of rubbish people who like smoking drugs tell themselves - and others, in order to convince everyone that hey! Really! It's perfectly Okay, honest!

Well, in the amount he's smoking it, no. It's not.
The big problem is that it's artificial.
And it's temporary.

I can achieve the same 'highs' without resorting to a recreational drug.

How can you use an illegal recreational drug ' responsibly'?
Is that you line of defence to a cop if he catches you with it?
"It's ok, officer, I use it responsibly...."

You're obviously missing the point.

(And a whole load of punctuation too....)

He is not a 'responsible' adult if he smokes the amount he does.
It will affect his judgement, spatial awareness, concentration, lucidity and basic common sense.
If it's having a negative impact on her life, and she's pregnant with his child, then he owes her the courtesy and consideration of taking her wishes as legitimate and complying.

If it's too much to ask, then you just have to wonder where his priorities lie: in the relationship he has with her, or the 'relationship' he has with his habit?

Your offence to my lack of punctuation means very little to me.

People have different tolerances and what is a responsible level of smoking to one individual who has a high tolerance will obviously be an irresponsible level to another person who has a low tolerance and no I didn't miss the point actually yet you clearly missed mine which is that people who try and tell other people how to live their lives due to their own insecurities can go take a hike. If we aint good enough for them then they can go and suck it. She is lucky he is responsible enough to see the importance of earning a paycheck to support her while she is pregnant and I'll tell you now that if my partner tried to dictate the way I live my life while she is living off the money I support her on then I'm gonna tell her exactly how I feel about it thank you very much. FYI marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol so are you saying that grown adults shouldn't be able to drink at home RESPONSIBLY either? Who the hell are you to tell people how to live? Basically my message to you is get lost and focus on your own life instead of judging everybody else.

June 23, 2013

The obvious difference you're missing is that alcohol is not a restricted/illegal substance.

I personally believe pot should be legalised, because i admit there are certain medical advantages. But it's a question of living the kind of life which will not engender ultimate damage and negative consequences, and this is both noxious and excessive.

The paycheck is irrelevant, if you really ask me. That's not the issue here, and if holding that over her head is a defensive strategy, then it's a poor and weak choice.

It's blackmail.

She's asking him to cease doing something which is both detrimental to his health, and to the well-being of their relationship. And at the rate he's consuming the stuff, i would say that's knocking a hole in his budget, too...

If you hold a drug habit to be more important to you than a relationship with someone you're having a family with, then you either have your priorities seriously skewed, or you'll lead a long and lonely life.

The same goes in reverse you see....

If a man were to say to me, "This is what I do, take me as I am" then I'd leave it.

Gladly.

But then, I'd never date a druggie in the first place.

June 23, 2013

We'll just have to agree to disagree but I will say one last thing which is that there are millions of successful "druggies" around the world and I doubt you would be so quick to dump one of them if they told you that they weren't gonna stop smoking weed for you. I guess it depends who your partner is, how successful they are, how much money they make and how functional they are with the lifestyle they lead before a person like you would be so quick to throw out ultimatums and demands.

Edited June 23, 2013 by L1ght

June 23, 2013

We'll just have to agree to disagree but I will say one last thing which is that there are millions of successful "druggies" around the world and I doubt you would be so quick to dump one of them if they told you that they weren't gonna stop smoking weed for you. I guess it depends who your partner is, how successful they are, how much money they make and how functional they are with the lifestyle they lead before a person like you would be so quick to throw out ultimatums and demands.

Wrong.

I have.

And none of the conditions mattered a jot.

I wasn't prepared to share my life with someone who held an illegal activity to be more important to him than I was.

June 23, 2013

Wrong.
I have.
And none of the conditions mattered a jot.
I wasn't prepared to share my life with someone who held an illegal activity to be more important to him than I was.

Well aren't you a complete bore. You just reinforce my stance that I will never listen to a woman like you who cares only about herself and not about what makes her partners happy. The guys who give into your demands are obviously very weak and have no backbone whatsoever.

Edited June 23, 2013 by L1ght

June 23, 2013

...or they value my contribution to their lives, more than a momentary hit and temporary high of a lump of weed mixed with tobacco.

It's not a question of 'giving into demands'. They have the choice.

They can make it.

Whatever they choose, is their choice.

But either way, they gain the thing they decide they most want.

And sweetheart, get to know me before you call me a complete bore.

I am capable of scintillating and educated discussion with intelligent input - without the aid of an artificially-administered stimulant to make me more vivacious.

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Fiance wants me to stop using marijuana or its over?

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