pasteurization Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I was in no contact for about a month, and my ex texted me. I called her, and we talked. It was nice, but she apologized for calling in a moment of weakness and said she shouldn't have. I told her that I'd like to have lunch anyway and say a few things (I wasn't trustworthy in the relationship, and it was my fault that it didn't work, so I just wanted to apologize), so we're having lunch tomorrow, but I know what she's going to say is going to be nothing I'm going to want to hear. I feel that she's emotionally left the relationship behind already. Any advice on how to handle this, or things that I should / shouldn't say? And I know that I should have ignored the text, but that didn't happen...
Sneaky Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 You could still call it off. There doesn't seem to be any point to it and it will probably set you both back.
marko343 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Make her think you've moved on, play it cool. Be fun and don't talk about the old relationship. Keep it short and sweet and pretend you're busy and have to rush off. Don't expect much. Goodluck. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I was in no contact for about a month, and my ex texted me. I called her, and we talked. It was nice, but she apologized for calling in a moment of weakness and said she shouldn't have. I told her that I'd like to have lunch anyway and say a few things (I wasn't trustworthy in the relationship, and it was my fault that it didn't work, so I just wanted to apologize), so we're having lunch tomorrow, but I know what she's going to say is going to be nothing I'm going to want to hear. I feel that she's emotionally left the relationship behind already. Any advice on how to handle this, or things that I should / shouldn't say? And I know that I should have ignored the text, but that didn't happen... Well, since the die has been cast, go to lunch with her, and at the very least, the talk you two have will bring you both some level of closure. How weren't you trustworthy, if I may ask? That can mean so many things. Anyway, once you guys have talked, depending on what is said in the conversation, go from there. If there is nothing to salvage in your relationship, it's time to move on. Allow yourself to grieve, because it's the only way you can heal. If the relationship can be salvaged, I suggest taking things slow, and refraining from your previous mistakes. Similarly, she has work to do, as well. If you both decide you want to be together, she, from this point on, needs to let go of your past mistakes, and work on whatever flaws she may have had in the relationship.
Author pasteurization Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Rebel-- I met her right after my divorce and wasn't ready to settle down, so I never committed to her, and always pulled away when she wanted more reassurance. I'm over that period of my life now (Ive been divorced 5 years) and do want a relationship, but she's been burned too many times by me to trust me. She's very nice, though, and is always ready to "be friends". I don't want to come off as pathetic, but I do want to express remorse at what I did to her, and make it clear that I really do want a substantial relationship. Not an easy thing to pull off...
forgetmenot75 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Call it off. Feel the power in doing so. You'll feel 1000 times worst after having lunch with her. You know she's not feeling the same, she won't tell you what you want to hear. Do not have lunch with her, tell her why you're not having lunch, tell her that you still have feelings and need her not to contact you anymore for a while, and start healing.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Yep, I would call off the lunch. I really don't see the point of walking into sure disaster. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Rebel-- I met her right after my divorce and wasn't ready to settle down, so I never committed to her, and always pulled away when she wanted more reassurance. I'm over that period of my life now (Ive been divorced 5 years) and do want a relationship, but she's been burned too many times by me to trust me. She's very nice, though, and is always ready to "be friends". I don't want to come off as pathetic, but I do want to express remorse at what I did to her, and make it clear that I really do want a substantial relationship. Not an easy thing to pull off... You're not pathetic, by any means. You've had personal growth since that time, and you realize your faults. I encourage you to see her for lunch. I won't say it will all go smoothly; after all, I have no idea what your ex wishes to talk to you about. But, I can say, no matter what happens, this will serve as a life lesson. Perhaps she'll give you a second chance; if so, hopefully she will let go of your past offenses, and start anew with you. If not...well, there's not much that can be done, in that case. Good luck. Let us know how it goes, if you decide to meet her for lunch, at all.
Author pasteurization Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 I've already prepared myself for the fact that she doesn't want to continue the relationship. I'm sure there's a small kernel of hope in me that it might happen, but I won't be surprised at all if it goes the way I predict. I figure that either I call it off now and start healing today, or go to lunch, be told what I expect, and start healing tomorrow. What's the real difference? So I'll go, and and just be as completely honest as possible, and try not to embarrass myself. She has always been great to me, so the least I owe her is an honest admission of what I did while we were together, and an apology. I'll let you know how it goes... 1
aloneinaz Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I've already prepared myself for the fact that she doesn't want to continue the relationship. I'm sure there's a small kernel of hope in me that it might happen, but I won't be surprised at all if it goes the way I predict. I figure that either I call it off now and start healing today, or go to lunch, be told what I expect, and start healing tomorrow. What's the real difference? So I'll go, and and just be as completely honest as possible, and try not to embarrass myself. She has always been great to me, so the least I owe her is an honest admission of what I did while we were together, and an apology. I'll let you know how it goes... 1) You appear to have your mind made up to go. I wouldn't bring up all your past mistakes and go over them in detail. I'd summarize your past behavior and tell her how much you regret it. You could also tell her that if she could see to it, you'd love one final opportunity to try to date again. 2) As some of the other posters have already told you, you're opening yourself up to being rejected again and ripping off the scab thats been healing. If she has told you there's no opportunity for reconciliation, then why meet and rehash what happened in a failed relationship a month ago?
Author pasteurization Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks, aloneinaz. I think the wound opened up again when she texted me, so the healing probably will be the same whether I go to lunch or not. The real thing I'm looking for is to get some closure, which a lot of people on this site never, unfortunately, get. There are a lot of things to say, and I think it would be helpful to have a final goodbye in a nice place and feeling positive about each other.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks, aloneinaz. I think the wound opened up again when she texted me, so the healing probably will be the same whether I go to lunch or not. The real thing I'm looking for is to get some closure, which a lot of people on this site never, unfortunately, get. There are a lot of things to say, and I think it would be helpful to have a final goodbye in a nice place and feeling positive about each other. I'm guessing you won't get it either. I'm guessing more confusion than anything else. 1
Author pasteurization Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 I'll let you know after tomorrow.... Stay tuned.
aloneinaz Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I'll let you know after tomorrow.... Stay tuned. P- just for our understanding, what are you trying to accomplish by meeting with her face to face?
landshark Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 What are you trying to accomplish? Think about that before you go, and about closure. No way, you'll probably leave with more questions than answers. You know what you did, being fresh off of a divorce is rough, believe me, I was a "two year guy." Own it and move on, if you still have feelings for this girl, do not play friend friend pattycake, it makes you look pathetic. I say this not from just my own experience but from others on this and other sites...
landshark Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I will be interested in what happens at your meeting though...be light and breezy...
Author pasteurization Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 The truth is, I'm not sure its a good idea to see her in person, but if there is any chance at all of us being together, it won't come through texting or a phone call. We still have a lot of chemistry. I'm starting to think that the right way to approach this is like I'm saying goodbye for the last time. Just try to be kind and open and admit that It's over with grace. I do feel better with that approach. Not heavy, no pleading. And yes, the friend thing is not going to happen--I couldn't deal with that. And thanks for all the advice, even if I'm doing the wrong thing. It does help a lot to hear from others on this... 1
Author pasteurization Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 After a four hour lunch she agreed to give it another try (very slowly). I feel like I can breathe again. I'm not going to mess it up this time. 5
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Good to hear! Keep us all apprised on what's going on, okay? 1
landshark Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Ok, so now comes the tough work. Sifting through your old relationship and finding out what went wrong. If you do this then you can create something better and learn from your mistakes. Otherwise, you run the risk of just getting back into the same old ruts. One of the things that really helped me was getting down and dirty and processing what happened with my divorce. You mentioned this as a potential barrier in your relationship with this girl. If you really love this girl, you have a golden opportunity to start fresh. Wish I had that chance...let us know what happens! 1
Author pasteurization Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 Thanks Landshark-- I started serious therapy after we broke up because I knew I had major problems with commitment. I have to say, it has made a tremendous difference, even in the brief time I've been doing it. I had always doubted whether therapy was very effective, and had tried it a few times before with less than effective therapists, but I finally found one who is amazing and totally understood the dynamics of the attraction-repulsion thing I had been going through. My suggestion for anyone going through a bad post-breakup recovery is, if you can, work with a therapist, but especially, be selective and interview a bunch before you find one who is the right fit. It makes all the difference. 1
landshark Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Well Past, after going through therapy, I learned to sit with being "disenchanted" with myself and do the work to improve my boundaries and who I choose to invest my energy, effort and time with. My divorce was the second worst thing that's ever happened to me (this current situation is the worst) but it was also one of the best things because I had to take a hard look in the mirror. I sit here after being dumped six months ago and renewed contact with her only to have it blow up in my face two months ago. NC has helped but I'm neck deep in the mourning process. But, I know that I'm headed for a better place, as long as I choose to put my head down and go there. As I said before, you have a golden opportunity here, if this girl is right for you, to put the old relationship on the table, take a torch to it, sift through the ashes and examine what was bad, collect the ashes of what was good and create something new. My advice for you, is simple: in a non-clingy, needy way, show your appreciation to this girl for having faith in you and the potential for the relationship... 2
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