smokey bear Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Im looking to hear if there is anyone who has went NC after one break up and then didn't do NC after another. If you have experienced both can you give your comments on the benefits and con's of both healing process's. I know the benefits of NC, im only looking to hear from people who have done it both ways on separate occasions and what the difference was
starlet86 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I didn't do NC with my ex (Ex A we shall call him) who I lived with for 2.5 years, who I loved dearly and who's wedding I attended last July. We are great friends. I adore his wife who thinks I am amazing and when I got with my most recent ex (Ex B), Ex A sat him down and gave him a chat about how I could be and stuff and that he needed to give me time for me to open up. He also gave me a place to stay when Ex B and myself broke up. I did NC with Ex B and it actually resulted in more arguments than I ever had with him as a couple. I would break NC as he knew what to say or do to get me to break it. We would then go through a period of talking and me ending up lashing out verbally for silly things and then we'd go NC again for a few days. All in all I would definitely go the contact route if your ex is pleasant. I think me and Ex B really stressed the break up more by doing NC and things and it made it more volatile. I am currently in NC with him at the moment, but for completely different reasons than moving on and getting over him. I got over Ex A without NC so I don't really think I need to do NC to get over someone. It depends on the break up, the people involved, the reasons for the break up and the strength of the relationship that still remains. Ex A will always be my best friend. I will always be his. Ex B, well I will keep you updated. 1
lop98 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Only did NC twice, when deep feelings were involved. The first time (10 years ago), I didn't plan it, I just couldn't bare the sight of anything associated with him and cutting him from my life felt natural, two years of NC went by without ever feeling tempted to break it. I was very young too, much stronger than I am now. Second time (this year), it's been hell, that's the only word to describe it... I really can't handle being in touch with him, it just devastates me. In other relationships, I either ended up in the best of terms with the guy or they went NC on me (never blocking me, just ignored me completely and posting indirect stuff or talking about others about me, kind of boring really, the main reason why I never insisted again).
theonlyjuan Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Done NC a few times. It worked, rarely ever thought about them. My current ex and I ended on good terms. It wasn't anyone's fault. We are going to try and be friends. I went 4 days without talking to her this week, until she msg me today. It's hard because the conversations are short and end too quickly. I want to be able to be good friends and have long conversations like we used to. I guess it's hard at the start when you are trying to get over each other. I hope having contact works in the end. I don't want to lose her as a friend too but these short awkward conversations really need to be sorted. I guess I should ask her how she feels about it too. It can work. I guess, it just depends on the couple.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Im looking to hear if there is anyone who has went NC after one break up and then didn't do NC after another. If you have experienced both can you give your comments on the benefits and con's of both healing process's. I know the benefits of NC, im only looking to hear from people who have done it both ways on separate occasions and what the difference was Shortly after my first boyfriend and I broke up, I went NC. Part of the reason is that, despite being 17, I had limited experience in dating. At first, I still talked to him on the phone (a couple of weeks later), maintaining a friendship. Once I started dating someone else (my now husband), my ex made some joking remarks about how I'd cried, saying I'd never love again. Now, as years have gone by, I know he never meant it cruelly; in fact, I somewhat knew it, then. I think he's socially stunted, in his own way. But, at the time, it struck a nerve. My pride had been wounded, and him making light of that irritated me. So one day, I told him I was better off burning that bridge; that he irritated me too much-both as a boyfriend and a friend-for me to really maintain a friendship. We had very little in common. I do sometimes feel a tad bad about it, but it was true; even without my wounded pride, we really hadn't made good friends, because we hadn't known one another long enough to build that foundation. Sadly, the same can be said about my husband and I (married for 6 months, together for more than 8 years. At least we'd been friends for about four months, as opposed to two days with my ex). Now with my husband, we have undergone 2 break-ups in our entire relationship. During those times, we had to be in contact. By the first one, my daughter was only seven months old. By the second, she was 2 years old; regardless, I couldn't cut contact, because of our child. Edit: NC with my ex was beneficial, though I do regret that the choice was initially made out of anger. No NC was beneficial for my child, but made it very difficult to deal with the separation between me and my then fiancé. Sometimes I wonder if, in part, that is why we kept getting back together, or if it really wasn't time for us to let go. I'd say each situation, being different, will have its fair share of pros and cons for both.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Except for one breakup (which was the closest thing to a mutual breakup that was possible), I've eventually gone NC with every meaningful breakup. And once I did, I moved on at a heck of a lot quicker rate than I had when I was staying in contact. 2
Author smokey bear Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks for your responses guys, its good to hear, its a bit of a mixed response, can anyone give more detail on the pro's and cons of each?
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks for your responses guys, its good to hear, its a bit of a mixed response, can anyone give more detail on the pro's and cons of each? I don't think there are any pros to keeping contact, at least before you are healed. Can't think of one. 2
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I don't think there are any pros to keeping contact, at least before you are healed. Can't think of one. I'd say if there are children involved, for their benefit would be a pro. Of course, LC would be fully acceptable in that case. I.e. only getting in contact to check on the kids, speak to them over the phone or Skype, or to hammer out details to do with visits or custody.
theonlyjuan Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 When in contact I find it hard to be my usual self. I'm a little short and my conversations aren't long or end quickly. I just feel like I have to emotionally detach myself from her. Until I get used to it and am over her, I don't think I'll be my usual self with her, like I used to. So there is a con 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I'd say if there are children involved, for their benefit would be a pro. Of course, LC would be fully acceptable in that case. I.e. only getting in contact to check on the kids, speak to them over the phone or Skype, or to hammer out details to do with visits or custody. Well, NC is virtually impossible in that scenario, so I don't even consider it an option. However, as a child of divorce, I really don't think Mom and Dad need to be hanging out together while the child is around. Just confuses the hell out of the kid (depending on the age of the child) when they do that. Just have Mom (or Dad) drop off the kid, exchange necessary details of what is going on, and then leave. 1
landshark Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 The pros of contact are (I assume you are trying to get back with this person, Smokey.) If you need to change, then they are going to see it in real time. There seems to be a short window that you can stay in friend zone but there has to be progress. The cons are you run a very substantial risk of looking pathetic, needy and otherwise undesirable if you don't get it across to her that you are having fun and flourishing without her you also don't move on or, at the least, put it off . The pros of NC: getting on with your life and following the philosophy behind NC (see Caliguy's NC manifesto) and the "Laws of Attraction." Get's them out of your system and allows true and genuine grief work (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). The cons, you experience, real pain...and come to grips with a life without them. It sucks, but, honestly, is the right way to go, in most situations...what are your details??
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Well, NC is virtually impossible in that scenario, so I don't even consider it an option. However, as a child of divorce, I really don't think Mom and Dad need to be hanging out together while the child is around. Just confuses the hell out of the kid (depending on the age of the child) when they do that. Just have Mom (or Dad) drop off the kid, exchange necessary details of what is going on, and then leave. Agreed. That's why I said any interaction should centralize around making plans to do with who gets the kids what days, and to check in with them. Hanging out would certainly confuse and hurt the child (the latter particularly true of older children).
aloneinaz Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Agreed. That's why I said any interaction should centralize around making plans to do with who gets the kids what days, and to check in with them. Hanging out would certainly confuse and hurt the child (the latter particularly true of older children). Funny, reading this reminded me of my ex and her ex husband. He'd come into her house, put the kids to bed, etc. I thought that was odd while she thought it was normal/fine. Whatever...
UVict Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 With my current break up I've done a bit of both. Personally I feel like I've gotten way more out of NC. First NC started after I moved out, lasted 3 weeks. Worked fairly well on the whole, I was forgetting about her, and wasn't too sad about the break up. That NC ended with a call 4am from her balling her eyes out, saying she was suicidal. I spent a couple of days with her to get her back on track - that turned into roughly 2 months. We were seeing/talking to each other almost as much as we did when together. This period of 2 months was the worst. Did absolutely nothing for me to move on. I got lots of answers, but found out way too much about her. She had a casual one night stand with a complete random for a weekend. I saw I love you messages between her and another guy, and that they had a 3 year plan together (a random guy she only knows online). Stuff like this shattered me. We were constantly fighting about these little details. It would be b*tch, then NC for a couple of days, be friendly for a few days then repeat b*tch etc for a good month. It was this 2 months of communication that has messed me up so much more than actually breaking up. I know too much about what she's done, and way too much about her new bf. Knowing his name and putting a face to a new guy with my ex is what really hurts. NC second time around has been great! It has been 2 weeks so far. She has left the country for the month, so I don't have the ease to contact her, nor do I want to as it will look pathetic as she is enjoying herself with this new bf. I have had so many realizations since she is not in the country. The first was I'm ok with being single, I can do what I want, freedom etc. That I can get over it, I have nothing holding me back. Where as she and her bf have issues that are holding them back. I'm looking forward to doing whatever I like, and being awesome on my own again, that I don't need her to be happy with life. Second, I had a great week this week seeing friends going out and having fun with new and old friends some which I neglected while I was with her. I am emotionally detached from her, something I couldn't do while in contact with her. I'm solid on never having anything to do with her. Prepared if she ever does call to tell her its not my problem. So long story short, NC has worked wonders for me so far, and I see it only getting better. Keeping in contact with my ex hurt me much much more than the actual break up, and made it harder to act on the realizations I had, even when I knew it wasn't good for me to be seeing or talking to her. 1
Author smokey bear Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 The pros of contact are (I assume you are trying to get back with this person, Smokey.) If you need to change, then they are going to see it in real time. There seems to be a short window that you can stay in friend zone but there has to be progress. The cons are you run a very substantial risk of looking pathetic, needy and otherwise undesirable if you don't get it across to her that you are having fun and flourishing without her you also don't move on or, at the least, put it off . The pros of NC: getting on with your life and following the philosophy behind NC (see Caliguy's NC manifesto) and the "Laws of Attraction." Get's them out of your system and allows true and genuine grief work (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). The cons, you experience, real pain...and come to grips with a life without them. It sucks, but, honestly, is the right way to go, in most situations...what are your details?? I would like to go separate ways from this person, I have had contact with an ex before who I get on with now, it was extremely painful and long but now im on the other side I look back thankful I did it. The most recent ex I know we would be excellent friends one day, I just find it hard not to cave in and txt, I don't ask for recon, I just like to have them in life and care. The first ex took almost a year to get over and ruined me, I don't want to have the same with the current ex, I would like the process to be over as quick and easy as possible, this is why im asking for people opinions, its encouraging to hear people who have experienced both and to hear them talk of how NC drastically aided their healing. It encourages me to stick to NC, reminding myself that they are not out my life forever but for just now, but it hurts like hell. Its also good to hear how quickly it got easier and stopped being so obsessively intense. 1
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