amymac Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 [color=blue][/color] My husband and I have a very creative and active sexlife; but, sometimes what he asks me to do is questionable. While having sex, he would like me to pretend he is one of my past lovers, verbalize the type of sex we had and call him by the name of the "other person". In turn, he would do the same, tell me the sex he and another woman had and yell out her name. Now, I'm pretty open about things, but this sounds like a first step to cheating. Who does he want? Her or me? He's had a checkered past of years swinging, sex clubs, orgies, you name it! And now struggles with obsessive, compulsive and abnormal sexual behavior I'm trying to teach him about sex and intimacy which he's never had. To him it's just two objects f...king and trying to get off the best way they can, no matter what the concequences may be. Am I just being a prude, or is it reasonable for me to feel degraded and like a shell he fills with his fantasies of past lovers? Would this be healthy for him, me and our marriage? I'm really concerned about him engaging in this behavior concidering his past and obsessive behavior, example: (we have more than 300 porn videos and he continually buys more and more), and the adverse behaviors continue to excalate. Or, is this something I shouldn't worry about? I welcome all advice, amymac
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 That does seem quite hurtful. I couldn't and wouldn't put up with that. My suggestion is to see a couples therapist because what he is asking you to do is not right at all. Fantasy is one thing but he is taking it too far and it isn't healthy for your relationship, let alone your sex life. I hope things work out though. Keep posting!
netrie Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by amymac [color=blue][/color] I'm trying to teach him about sex and intimacy which he's never had... I welcome all advice, amymac Good luck! Sounds like A LOT of work... Yikes.
GirlDown Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 hi there! is it possible that he is trying to remain faithful (given his wild past history) but still keep the hotness factor in it for him? maybe it's just a way for him to be more excited, and he doesn't realize you take it so personally...maybe to him, this is low-key compared to what he is used to. for example, i am pretty sure the thought of you being with someone else before him is stimulating, but he would rather not watch it...do you know what i mean? however, if it is making you uncomfortable, don't allow it. the most important thing is that sex should be enjoyed, not tolerated for someone else's benefit. good luck.
Guest Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by amymac [color=blue][/color] My husband and I have a very creative and active sexlife; but, sometimes what he asks me to do is questionable. While having sex, he would like me to pretend he is one of my past lovers, verbalize the type of sex we had and call him by the name of the "other person". In turn, he would do the same, tell me the sex he and another woman had and yell out her name. Now, I'm pretty open about things, but this sounds like a first step to cheating. Who does he want? Her or me? He's had a checkered past of years swinging, sex clubs, orgies, you name it! And now struggles with obsessive, compulsive and abnormal sexual behavior I'm trying to teach him about sex and intimacy which he's never had. To him it's just two objects f...king and trying to get off the best way they can, no matter what the concequences may be. Am I just being a prude, or is it reasonable for me to feel degraded and like a shell he fills with his fantasies of past lovers? Would this be healthy for him, me and our marriage? I'm really concerned about him engaging in this behavior concidering his past and obsessive behavior, example: (we have more than 300 porn videos and he continually buys more and more), and the adverse behaviors continue to excalate. Or, is this something I shouldn't worry about? I welcome all advice, amymac Maybe you should have figured this stuff out BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM.
MMBastard Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 Originally posted by Guest Maybe you should have figured this stuff out BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM. Guest, ever consider his behavior changed DURING the marriage???? Anyways, the person came here for help....I don't see how your post is helpful at all! Amymac, people who've had a "creative" sexual past often have a hard time adjusting to "normal" sexual activities. I know this firsthand....my ex roomate was a "pornstar" so you can just imagine what kind of stuff went on in the apartment. It takes time and patience for these people to get adjusted to something more tame. And yes, I do understand his concept of "F*cking" and getting off......Before, my line of thinking was...WTF is all this sh*t about making love????? It's f*cking, it's animalistic, and mutual orgasm(s) is the ultimate goal...... You can definitelly help this with therapy. However, you should also talk to him openly and explain what is hurtful to you....He should love you enough to attempt (at least) and find satisfaction in other "methods" of sex. I suspect you are in the early stages of the marriage/relatioship....things usually tame down with time. Good luck MMB
SoleMate Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I don't think the "past lovers" fantasy is necessarily a horrible thing, although I can tell you that 99.9% of the population is already struggling not to call their spouse/SO by an ex's name. It is considered taboo, and of course for some people, that adds to the fun. I don't think that the "name game" is a prelude to cheating; I think it's his way of getting those thrills within his marriage, like GirlDown suggested. However, I definitely am concerned about how his wildness is "constantly escalating". Given his history, he would have very few or no limits. Is he receiving any kind of treatment or maintenance support for his undesirable behavior? Does HE share your plan to "tame" him into a monogamous marriage? And I'm a bit curious as to why you chose THIS man to marry. He better have a heck of a lot going for him in other areas, because I think you have bitten off a HUGE mouthful as far as helping him modify behavior that is so strongly conditioned into him.
crazycatwoman Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 ok this is the kind of **** you think to yourself.......... and NEVER say to your husband or wife like if your going to think it and get off fine........but the mere fact that he said it to you is HORRIBLE if my husband said that to me i would just go file divorce on him........**** it your going to have to give him your boundary on this....... tell him no way...... it IS making you fit into a shell ........ YUCK
Recommended Posts