Lost, and know I have done wrong

[confused781]

Me and my wife are both 32 and have been together for 15 years and 7 of them we have been married. We have 3 children aged 10, 6 & 5.

My wife is a fantastic women and has always been my best friend. She is thoughtful, caring and attractive and a great mum

 

Last year I we had a new women start at my work place and we got on quite well and had to attend a few courses together but there was nothing sexual there we were just good work friends, I was married and she was married with 3 children and is 10 years older than me.

 

We went on our works Christmas party and once the drinks got flowing things got a bit flirty but nothing happened. Once I got home that night I text her to see if she got home ok as she was in a taxi on her own and the texts were going back and forth and she asked me to meet her for a drink after Xmas.

 

After the New year we went for a few drinks and cut a long story short we started an affair. We fell for each other so fast it was frightening, we spent every moment we could together and being with each other felt so right. When we were not together we both felt empty. After 3 months I knew this was not right and I ended it. The next 2 weeks I focused on my marriage and tried so hard and avoided all contact with my OW. I put more effort into doing things with children and did everything I could to avoid her at work. I used to lye in bed at night crying because I could not be with her because the bottom line was I could not leave my children. One day it all got to much and I contacted her and the affair started again for a further 2 months.

 

One day I came home from work and my wife was being really quiet, I asked her what was wrong and she said that she thinks I was having a affair. At the point my face must of dropped because she just just stormed off and shouted that she knew. I panicked got upset and told her the truth about everything. We sat and spoke about it and I admitted I had strong feelings for the OW. I text the OW and told her that my wife knew. Her reaction was to tell her husband because my wife and her husband had mutual friends.

 

Her husband went mad and within a couple of days he had there house up for sale because he wanted no more to do with her.

We carried on seeing each other while both still living at home because financially I could not afford to move out on my own and neither could she.

Her house was eventually sold and she rented a place with her youngest child who is 14 and her oldest 2 have rented a flat together.

I carried on living at home but my wife wanted nothing to do with me. If I left we would have to sell the house and it would mean uprooting the children and them probably living in a different part of the city and them going to a different school which I know they would be upset about. My wife is quite happy for us not to be together but live together for the sakes of the children

 

My OW wants me to move in with her in a couple of months once her and her daughter have settled in. I want to so much, Im in love with her and I miss her so much but Im so worried about my children, I look at them and could cry because I love them so much and cant bear the thought of moving them out of the house to a different school etc.

I have looked at my finances and its not possible to keep them at the house. I know leaving would stop them having nice things and going on holiday and living in rented accommodation with my wife not having much money to bring them up

 

The thing is if I decided to stay I know I will never be happy because of my love for the OW, plus she has sold her house and has lost everything so if I was not to go and live with her then she has lost everything for nothing. I also know that If I was to stay at home and I seen my OW with a new man it would destroy me but for some strange reason it does not upset me if I think of my wife with a new man

 

I know I have done wrong and if I had a big reset button I would press it. I cant sleep, eat and I feel anxious all the time because I do not know which way to turn. I just feel so lost and no one to talk to

[veryhappy]

How old is your OW? If her kids are grown up, it's around 10 years, isn't it? Relationships between older women and younger men tend to not fair well. They just don't last.

 

You can't be with your OW because she has lost her house. That's her problem because she had an affair. If you want to be with her, do it because you want a relationship, not because you feel guilty.

 

My guess would be that after much back and forth you'll eventually stay with your family. Your sense of duty was strong enough to make you end the affair after a couple of months. That sense of responsibility tents to win in the end, but it can takeyears of back and forth if the women allow it.

 

Based on that, I suggest you cut contact with your OW and figure out your M first.

[Steen719]

I suspect the fact that you and your wife got together when you were so young, you are now sort of having an early "mid-life crisis" if there is such a thing. I think it just means "is this all there is?", but anyway.....

 

Is your wife absolutely against trying with you? The reason I ask is that you (I could be wrong here, but this happens frequently) may be in the throws of the affair, but when it is all said and done and you are living with your AP, things may look different. She has a 14 year old daughter; your kids will be without you. This is like watching a train wreck about to happen and not be able to do anything. You obviously love your kids and by your own admission, your wife was great. This issue is all yours.

 

NOW, I am not saying you need to stay with your wife. But, I do think you need to spend some time away from your AP to gain some realistic perspective. Unfortunately, many people who think they can't lie without that person, find out that is just not true and in fact, wish with all of their heart, they had never left their spouse. That wonderful, can't get enough of you feeling is not going to last. In the end, you two will have torn apart 2 families for a feeling that statistically will not last. I think you will look at this and believe your love is different, but that just puts you in the same place as many people who have affairs. Additionally, at the end of it, the two of you will have a partner who has shown that they can not be trusted and chose to be deceptive instead of up front and honest.

 

Finally, the saddest thing to me is that you are sad about the possibilities of new schools, rented accommodations, no holidays for your kids and what they will miss the most is you. That is what you should be concentrating on.

 

Please go to counseling, take some time to find out why you would do this to your "best friend", who has stuck by you and stay away from this OW until you have better perspective. Her husband made the decision to leave her and while you had something to do with it, she made her bed and she needs to lay in it. Her responsibility. Good luck.

[Praying4Peace]

I don't know what to tell you, but I can say I completely understand because I was the MOW in your situation (though we were the same age and our kids are younger).

 

It seems like you struggle between doing what's best for you (having love, with MOW) and what is right for your children (their well being and especially finances).

 

Make a list of pros and cons. See which cons can be avoided or will generally smooth out in the future. See which pros will fade away.

 

I can just tell you that when you're with MOW, you will worry and feel horrible about your kids (if its just school district, you don't need to worry because kids are very flexible with things like that...I went to 6 different elementary/middle schools). If you are at home with your W (it sounds like your marriage is over) you will pine for your OW and you'll grow resentful and regretful.

 

The answer would be easy for me, but I'm not a man and I might view things differently than you do.

[Steen719]

I suspect the fact that you and your wife got together when you were so young, you are now sort of having an early "mid-life crisis" if there is such a thing. I think it just means "is this all there is?", but anyway.....

 

Is your wife absolutely against trying with you? The reason I ask is that you (I could be wrong here, but this happens frequently) may be in the throws of the affair, but when it is all said and done and you are living with your AP, things may look different. She has a 14 year old daughter; your kids will be without you. This is like watching a train wreck about to happen and not be able to do anything. You obviously love your kids and by your own admission, your wife was great. This issue is all yours.

 

NOW, I am not saying you need to stay with your wife. But, I do think you need to spend some time away from your AP to gain some realistic perspective. Unfortunately, many people who think they can't lie without that person, find out that is just not true and in fact, wish with all of their heart, they had never left their spouse. That wonderful, can't get enough of you feeling is not going to last. In the end, you two will have torn apart 2 families for a feeling that statistically will not last. I think you will look at this and believe your love is different, but that just puts you in the same place as many people who have affairs. Additionally, at the end of it, the two of you will have a partner who has shown that they can not be trusted and chose to be deceptive instead of up front and honest.

 

Finally, the saddest thing to me is that you are sad about the possibilities of new schools, rented accommodations, no holidays for your kids and what they will miss the most is you. That is what you should be concentrating on.

 

Please go to counseling, take some time to find out why you would do this to your "best friend", who has stuck by you and stay away from this OW until you have better perspective. Her husband made the decision to leave her and while you had something to do with it, she made her bed and she needs to lay in it. Her responsibility. Good luck.

 

Oops...I meant can't live without.....not lie

[Vijju159]

What made u to involve in an affair?

 

I never find anything written against your poor wife. Instead you say she is caring and attractive but still trapped under outside person. You were staying for children but not your spouse, man are you bored in M? You need to know and correct yourself. Maybe you are not truly in love with OW. You hardly knew her about a year and break M. Like everyone suggests go seek MC and moreover remorse is lacking from your side. Pity your wife.

[confused781]

What made u to involve in an affair?

 

I never find anything written against your poor wife. Instead you say she is caring and attractive but still trapped under outside person. You were staying for children but not your spouse, man are you bored in M? You need to know and correct yourself. Maybe you are not truly in love with OW. You hardly knew her about a year and break M. Like everyone suggests go seek MC and moreover remorse is lacking from your side. Pity your wife.

 

It sort of just happened, I know that seems a lame excuse but I suppose its always the excitement to start with and then all of a sudden it becomes part of your life and it controls you.

Its very hard because I work with her. We no longer work in the same office but still for the same company.

 

I know it hurts my wife she is very depressed and its a nightmare for us being in the same house but like I say if I leave then I know im going to wreck my entire family but at the same time I just cant leave my OW. The thought of being without here destroys me but also not being with my children does as well. I just wish I had one big reset button

[Realist3]

Here's the thing. Your affair relationship has now dramatically changed. Now that your OW is a free agent she is not going to want to share for long.

 

Your cake eating days are coming to a quick end. I would suggest you divorce and try and make a go of it with the OW.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I know you don't want to divorce because you want to stay for your kids, but good intentions aside, it's not going to work out.

 

Unless your wife and you both want to work on your marriage-to be together, and not just for the kids-divorce is probably your best option. If you can't be without your AP, and you and your wife are unhappy together, you need to make the decision to end it.

 

What's going on between you and your wife will impact your children. Staying together will only result in more hurt, anger, and resentment.

 

Divorcing doesn't mean losing your children, outright. Yes, it may involve seeing them less, but the courts will decide on matters of custody. If you and your wife can at least agree to shared custody (of course, both of you will need somewhere to live first, in order for that to happen), then things will work out. It's going to be rocky...and I wouldn't suggest moving right in with your AP, either. Find a place, and start dating her legitimately, if you so wish; but take it slow. Moving in is a big step, and involves having more time with her (yet still maintaining some alone time to adapt) in order for it to work out.

[Praying4Peace]

I know you don't want to divorce because you want to stay for your kids, but good intentions aside, it's not going to work out.

 

Unless your wife and you both want to work on your marriage-to be together, and not just for the kids-divorce is probably your best option. If you can't be without your AP, and you and your wife are unhappy together, you need to make the decision to end it.

 

What's going on between you and your wife will impact your children. Staying together will only result in more hurt, anger, and resentment.

 

Divorcing doesn't mean losing your children, outright. Yes, it may involve seeing them less, but the courts will decide on matters of custody. If you and your wife can at least agree to shared custody (of course, both of you will need somewhere to live first, in order for that to happen), then things will work out. It's going to be rocky...and I wouldn't suggest moving right in with your AP, either. Find a place, and start dating her legitimately, if you so wish; but take it slow. Moving in is a big step, and involves having more time with her (yet still maintaining some alone time to adapt) in order for it to work out.

 

I just wanted to add reemphasize something about the kids. They cannot be taken from you. They are your children. Even if your wife can prove adultery, it doesn't affect custody (at least in the US). The only thing that can stand between you and your children is yourself...do you plan to stop loving and caring for them? I'm guessing No. One day soon they will grow up and go off to college and have their own lives. You still have a lot of life left to live too, so think of yourself as well.

 

That said, think of your wife. This board is full of Betrayed Spouses who just want the truth. They do NOT want to be with a man who is there for finances or kids! They want a true marriage, just like you do. If your wife says that she's fine in a co-parenting relationship, it is just because she is scared of the unknown/being alone. There are plenty of good people out there looking for someone, she'll thank you one day.

 

It's very telling that you don't seem to mind the thought of your W moving on. I want to point out that while your kids will never be taken away from you (in fact, get ready to do some real parenting!), if you choose to R with your W, you will have to go No Contact with your OW FOREVER. No back and forth, because you will lose them both with this cowardly, selfish act.

 

So in one scenario, you create a new 'normal' with your kids and you have the OW in your life. She needs to understand how important your kids are to you. If you work at it, you can have it both ways. I don't know your OW, but she's a mom and has been married so I think she'll get it.

 

I don't want to be a downer, but what your OW is going through is stressful and she probably really wishes you were there in the end. Don't do anything out of guilt. If you aren't there for her, it will hurt her and you might end up losing her anyway, forever.

 

Because I just got divorced after an affair, I'll tell you the most respectful way to end it with your spouse, if you choose to- is with honesty and caring. It *is* caring to allow her to move on. Tell her that you wish her the best and though the caring doesn't go away right away and you will miss her- there are some things that aren't compatible with a marriage and that includes wishing you were with someone else (if that's how you feel). She might be upset, but I'd want someone to tell me. My xMM told me he would only be happy going back to W to work things out (I dont' care what his motivations were). Yeah I was hurt and angry but in the end, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be there for ME.

 

Good luck, there are plenty of divorce support groups out there. There are also a lot of support groups for people who are reconciling after an affair. You will find support whichever way you go.

 

FWIW- I dont think love can be forced. Like/respect/stopping cheating can be forced but if the heart worked on a remote control type system, life would be awesome

[confused781]

I just wanted to add reemphasize something about the kids. They cannot be taken from you. They are your children. Even if your wife can prove adultery, it doesn't affect custody (at least in the US). The only thing that can stand between you and your children is yourself...do you plan to stop loving and caring for them? I'm guessing No. One day soon they will grow up and go off to college and have their own lives. You still have a lot of life left to live too, so think of yourself as well.

 

That said, think of your wife. This board is full of Betrayed Spouses who just want the truth. They do NOT want to be with a man who is there for finances or kids! They want a true marriage, just like you do. If your wife says that she's fine in a co-parenting relationship, it is just because she is scared of the unknown/being alone. There are plenty of good people out there looking for someone, she'll thank you one day.

 

It's very telling that you don't seem to mind the thought of your W moving on. I want to point out that while your kids will never be taken away from you (in fact, get ready to do some real parenting!), if you choose to R with your W, you will have to go No Contact with your OW FOREVER. No back and forth, because you will lose them both with this cowardly, selfish act.

 

So in one scenario, you create a new 'normal' with your kids and you have the OW in your life. She needs to understand how important your kids are to you. If you work at it, you can have it both ways. I don't know your OW, but she's a mom and has been married so I think she'll get it.

 

I don't want to be a downer, but what your OW is going through is stressful and she probably really wishes you were there in the end. Don't do anything out of guilt. If you aren't there for her, it will hurt her and you might end up losing her anyway, forever.

 

Because I just got divorced after an affair, I'll tell you the most respectful way to end it with your spouse, if you choose to- is with honesty and caring. It *is* caring to allow her to move on. Tell her that you wish her the best and though the caring doesn't go away right away and you will miss her- there are some things that aren't compatible with a marriage and that includes wishing you were with someone else (if that's how you feel). She might be upset, but I'd want someone to tell me. My xMM told me he would only be happy going back to W to work things out (I dont' care what his motivations were). Yeah I was hurt and angry but in the end, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be there for ME.

 

Good luck, there are plenty of divorce support groups out there. There are also a lot of support groups for people who are reconciling after an affair. You will find support whichever way you go.

 

FWIW- I dont think love can be forced. Like/respect/stopping cheating can be forced but if the heart worked on a remote control type system, life would be awesome

 

Like I say this is my biggest fear, I know that one day they will grow up and have there own lifes but that is a while yet.

I generally do hope my wife meets someone who deserves her and loves her. This affair has taken its toll on both of us and she does not deserve all this. I might look back in 5 years time when she is with someone else and realise I have made the biggest mistake of my life. It might prove to be the best decision all round for everyone

[jnj express]

so you took a perfectly good mge/wife/family, and destroyed it

 

For this love you profess---what happens when your scum lover is in her 60's and looking pretty weather beaten, will that "love" keep you in a relationship with her---somehow I doubt it

 

I have just one statement for you---and this is FACT-----97% of A hook-ups----FAIL

[Bluebelle38]

so you took a perfectly good mge/wife/family, and destroyed it

 

For this love you profess---what happens when your scum lover is in her 60's and looking pretty weather beaten, will that "love" keep you in a relationship with her---somehow I doubt it

 

I have just one statement for you---and this is FACT-----97% of A hook-ups----FAIL

 

If it was a perfect marriage, he would not have fallen in love with another woman, FACT.

 

Where did you get your 97% figure from? Ridiculous.

[Spark1111]

Since you are still in contact with your OW, who is to say your wife is also not out there looking for a suitable replacement for you?

 

If she finds someone, it may solve all your problems in that you would then be free to move in with your OW.

 

Her two older children were from a first marriage? And it is the 10 year-olds father who just divorced her? Well then you could become her THIRD husband.

 

Lucky you.

 

Has she done this before? Cheated on her husband's? Do you know?

[confused781]

No I don't know if she has ever cheated before. She got married at 18 and had 2 children and then he left her as he says he married too young.

 

She was single for around 5 years and and then got with her ex who she was with for 15 years and had her 3rd child.

[ComingInHot]

confused wrote, " No I don't know if she has ever cheated before. She got married at 18 and had 2 children and then he left her as he says he married too young.

She was single for around 5 years and and then got with her ex who she was with for 15 years and had her 3rd child."

 

What a Mess Confused! Maybe You should get into IC & try to figure what it is that makes You tick?.?

Reality can be Veeeeery different from "the bubble".

 

What I see (only from what You have posted*), is:

-a Fifteen year M hitting the Complacent stage

-a MM feeling the hum drum of daily responsibilities lacking excitement

-Young children who have already had an absent father due to Cheating

-integrity and ethics comprimised for another prime candidate for an A

-a OW who is now looking to You, MM to take yet the Third place of prior H position

-spending more time w/OW's child over your own

-learning to REcreate family dynamics

-showing Your children what they can do when they grow Bored in their M's

 

Can it be done? Sure.

Understand though, it Will Take Everything You've got in You. Ergo IC & FC and support from Everyone vested in Your life.

 

Now, go eat a cracker or something. You're going to Need your strength*

[Steen719]

confused wrote, " No I don't know if she has ever cheated before. She got married at 18 and had 2 children and then he left her as he says he married too young.

She was single for around 5 years and and then got with her ex who she was with for 15 years and had her 3rd child."

 

What a Mess Confused! Maybe You should get into IC & try to figure what it is that makes You tick?.?

Reality can be Veeeeery different from "the bubble".

 

What I see (only from what You have posted*), is:

-a Fifteen year M hitting the Complacent stage

-a MM feeling the hum drum of daily responsibilities lacking excitement

-Young children who have already had an absent father due to Cheating

-integrity and ethics comprimised for another prime candidate for an A

-a OW who is now looking to You, MM to take yet the Third place of prior H position

-spending more time w/OW's child over your own

-learning to REcreate family dynamics

-showing Your children what they can do when they grow Bored in their M's

 

Can it be done? Sure.

Understand though, it Will Take Everything You've got in You. Ergo IC & FC and support from Everyone vested in Your life.

 

Now, go eat a cracker or something. You're going to Need your strength*

 

Yep, what she said^^^^^^^

[Confused48]

If it was a perfect marriage, he would not have fallen in love with another woman, FACT.

 

What total bull. You must live in A land. The fog has taken your senses away. I pity you.

[happy stillmore]

I find your situation very similar to my situation except I am the other woman. My MM was in the same situation. He can't afford to move out. His wife earns 90k while he earns 30k/year. The family needs his income to pay the mortgage on their house and their huge debt of paying for private school for their three children. The youngest of his children is 19 and yet he feels he can't leave the children. His wife has made him feel guilty and he has chosen to stay living at home. What other options does he have? (We just ended our relationship within the last month.) I know in my heart he is going to be depressed down the road. In a way, I feel you are lucky because your wife is wanting you to move out while my MM has been guilted into staying. His wife has some issues where she is afraid to be alone and has even left me a voicemail staying she hated herself. She knows her husband loves me yet, she is controlling him to stay there. When I say controlling, I mean he isn't allowed to text me or leave the house alone. She is afraid he will see me. I recently initiated the NC for this reason. He didn't have the courage to stand up for himself. I felt if she knew he was only at home for financial reasons, then he should be able to do whatever he wants. Anyway, my advice is go youth your heart. Be true to your heart. Be honest with all in your life. If you are honest with all, then everything will fall into place. I wish my MM would have had been in your position. Instead, he is being a coward and taking the easy road.

[confused781]

Yes it would be easy to stay and I know I would have a better life. The kids would have a better life too which is what hurts so much. I know that leaving will have a big impact on there life's and my wife's.

 

I just know that if I stayed in a few months I would end up going back to OW because I feel as though she is my soul mate. We think like each other, say things at the same time, it just feels right. I lie awake at night crying because I know where I want to be but I don't want to ruin the children's life's and them living in a run down area and my wife being skint and not being able to do things with them because she has no money even though I would not let that happen

[TaraMaiden]

It sort of just happened, I know that seems a lame excuse but I suppose its always the excitement to start with and then all of a sudden it becomes part of your life and it controls you.

 

BULL-SCHYTT.

 

Utter and complete total BS.

 

"It sort of just happened" is a total and complete lie - chiefly to yourself.

 

because it kind of moves the blame fairly and squarely from your shoulders, onto some outside, unseen mitigating factor.

 

My H. just looked at this post and said, "Oh, he just kind of tripped while he had a stonking erection, and it just happened to land inside her splayed legs? yeah, right...."

 

So if HE can see what utter BS this is, as a guy - then I really don't see how you can say, "it sort of just happened."

 

It happened because YOU wanted it to happen, you MADE it happen and you were completely 100% willing an able to MAKE it happen....

 

 

Its very hard because I work with her. We no longer work in the same office but still for the same company.

Just avoid looking at her or engaging with her on any level other than professional.

 

I know it hurts my wife she is very depressed and its a nightmare for us being in the same house but like I say if I leave then I know im going to wreck my entire family but at the same time I just cant leave my OW. The thought of being without here destroys me but also not being with my children does as well. I just wish I had one big reset button

Shame you didn't think of that BEFORE you gave the OW's vagina pounding, really, isn't it?

[Janesays]

You already wrecked your kid's life and this is true no matter which woman you choose.

 

Do you have a daughter? Have you considered how having a cheating father is going to effect her emotional development and how she chooses a mate for herself in the future.

 

Your sons have learned that loyalty and honor aren't qualities they should aspire towards, as men, because they're main role model had none.

 

All three will probably grow up with trust issues now that they've seen the one closest to them betray the family.

 

You damaged these kids and their futures in far more worse ways than financial. Father of the year, aren't ya?

[firemanq]

 

Where did you get your 97% figure from? Ridiculous.

 

 

You do know that 93.78 % of all statistics are false?

[janedoe67]

Speaking as a WW, I can tell you that what you feel for this OW is chemicals and thrill....NOT love.

 

Love is a decision, love is action, and love is a commitment. To love one must have honor, and someone who cheats on or with another person is not living with honor. Yep, I include myself in that very accurate judgment.

 

You have no idea what you feel for your wife now because you are high on this older OW and you have rewritten your entire history with your wife to justify why you "need" the OW.

 

I have a challenge for you: For 6 months go completely no-contact with the OW and spend all of your energy being a good dad and doing everything you can to meet your wife's needs. I would be willing to bet that you will feel differently about both of them at the end of the experiment.

 

That is no guarantee that your wife will feel any differently about you - especially since you are still meeting with the OW WHILE living at home with your wife and kids. Do you have any idea what they must do to her AND them every time you walk out the door??