I feel like I got in deep...I need to get out

[salparadise]

I will tell him over the phone but I am not sure if something like "no physical chemistry" is too hurtful for a guy. Should I go with "I am too busy too date right now" (also true in a way). I know he will ask for explanations

 

I admire you for considering his feelings. I think you should tell him the truth, or most of it, but be very carful in choosing your words. I don't think you should say "no physical chemistry" for two reasons... first, it's a cliche' that doesn't contain any explanation at all, secondly, it sounds like you're saying you don't find him attractive, and thirdly, if that were true then how did you manage to start banging him in the first place.

 

I think you could say that you can't pin it down precisely, but that you're not feeling that he's "the one" and as much as it will hurt you both, you must let him go in order to open the door to whatever will be for the both of you, because it's unfair to waste either of your time and opportunity.

[KatZee]

So I ended it...

 

He called me tonight for a chat, as usual and I told him something like:

 

"Listen, I have to be honest with you: while I enjoyed the time we spent together, I just don't feel that there is enough chemistry to go further. I am really sorry"

 

He was really cool about it (luckily) and thanked me for my honesty and said that he sensed I wasn't physically attracted to him and he also thanked me for not leading him on and wished me all the best. He was going to take me to another expensive dinner next week :/

 

Everyone needs to take notes.

 

THIS is how the dating game is played. Mutual respect and consideration for both parties involved. I like seeing this and not the coward Houdini poof act tons of people pull.

[BradJacobs]

Good on you for having the courage and strength of character to do what was right.

 

Cheers!

[PogoStick]

ES you just sound like one of the guys wanting physical attraction and I dont' see anything wrong with that. I think many women feel that way whether or not they admit it.

 

And it makes me feel better as a guy for not wanting a woman who stops watching her fitness after age 25.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Seems like it couldn't have gone any more smoothly. Glad you were able to navigate successfully through the ending.

 

I had to do that once too, and it also went well for me (luckily ). I do find it sad, though, that people these days are commended for not pulling the disappearing act. Dating really has gone downhill.

 

The disappearing/fade act is THE worst thing a guy can do to me so I really try not to do it to others. Even after ONE date if the other person contacts you, a courtesy text in a response along the lines of "not interested" is the decent thing to do.

[kaylan]

No, not really. But everything else flowed so easily that I hoped it will grow

And this was my point to begin with. In most cases with both men and women, physical attraction comes first and is the open door for emotional connection. In the cases where emotional connection comes first, its rare that physical connection follows if you didnt find the other person attractive to begin with.

 

In other words, everything Stargazer said doesnt really apply to all women.

Going to have to disagree. It's dangerous saying "most women." Just stick with, "the way IM attracted to men is..." Because I'm a woman and this doesn't describe me at all. Being attracted to someone initially is purely physical and has nothing to do with what he's about. If he turns out to be a douchebag I leave but if he happens to be a great guy, even better.

 

However I can't date someone I don't find purely physically attractive, and that's not something I want to have to force with someone.

 

I wouldn't agree to date someone who I thought was "meh" in terms of physical attractiveness.

This.

[FitChick]

If someone who keeps getting rejected has no idea why, wouldn't it be kinder to tell them why? "I am not attracted to overweight men." If women kept telling this guy the same thing, he might actually lose the weight to get what he wants. He would have to take responsibility and control over his life. In a way, it's cruel not to tell him. Otherwise he is living in a fantasy world.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If someone who keeps getting rejected has no idea why, wouldn't it be kinder to tell them why? "I am not attracted to overweight men." If women kept telling this guy the same thing, he might actually lose the weight to get what he wants. He would have to take responsibility and control over his life. In a way, it's cruel not to tell him. Otherwise he is living in a fantasy world.

 

You might be on to something. He said repeatedly that he is in great shape physically and that because he played sports when he was younger, he can now afford to eat what he wants. I was like

[Star Gazer]

You might be on to something. He said repeatedly that he is in great shape physically and that because he played sports when he was younger, he can now afford to eat what he wants. I was like

 

How much extra weight are we talking about here?

[kaylan]

You might be on to something. He said repeatedly that he is in great shape physically and that because he played sports when he was younger, he can now afford to eat what he wants. I was like

Wow....strong logic by that guy.

 

Im not looking forward to dating in my 30s if people really think that way. Talk about giving up.

[krz12]

If someone who keeps getting rejected has no idea why, wouldn't it be kinder to tell them why? "I am not attracted to overweight men." If women kept telling this guy the same thing, he might actually lose the weight to get what he wants. He would have to take responsibility and control over his life. In a way, it's cruel not to tell him. Otherwise he is living in a fantasy world.

 

 

So this guy was fat? If he is, well, he can change that. It's not like being short, or bald, although I guess baldness can be changed too with money and effort.

[NGC1300]

How about... "It makes me sad to admit that I don't see further intimacy growing between us. You are a great guy, and I wish you all the best."

 

"Great guy". You might as well say "it's not you it's me".

 

I wish women would just tell the truth that the guy doesn't adequately dampen them.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I think saying no physical chemistry is kind of mean so say that you are too busy. Don't tear up the boys confidence haha especially if he is a nice one.

[Eternal Sunshine]

How much extra weight are we talking about here?

 

I would say about 30-40lbs. His build and proportions don't help either but I still think he could improve his looks a lot if he dropped some weight.

 

Weirdly, on a tall guy that much extra weight probably wouldn't bother me.

[sarah_tyler]

It might hurt him if you say "no sexual chemistry". Men are very sensitive to this. You like him, so don't make your break up hard even if you mean no harm and are just being honest. Try to think of another way to say it. Like "I feel as though we are not compatible anymore and I wish to date others at this time in my life..." something like that. He won't feel on the defensive. My ex had and I had incompatible sex drives, his was too low. He may feel doubtful in his sexual abilities if you say it too bluntly, so treat it carefully. Be honest, just in a kind way, explaining your own differences and your need to move on.

[suladas]

I would say about 30-40lbs. His build and proportions don't help either but I still think he could improve his looks a lot if he dropped some weight.

 

Weirdly, on a tall guy that much extra weight probably wouldn't bother me.

 

That's really not picky. I'd say that's close to obese on a lot of guys. I had in my head not chubby meant you were expecting a flat stomach. 20-30lbs is quite a bit on a shorter guy.

 

I use to wonder why, but making the change I can understand why women don't like it. Just look so much better without the extra weight.

Edited June 24, 2013 by suladas

[Robert]

I think now that the thread starter has gotten out of the thread what she needed the thread will now be closed,

 

Thanks