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I feel like I got in deep...I need to get out

Eternal Sunshine

By Eternal Sunshine
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Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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If you see a guy walking down the street and think he's good looking, that means you are physically attracted to him.

 

No, it doesn't. That's what I'm trying to tell you, but you're refusing to listen because you, as a man, are trying to define attraction for a woman.

kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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Nope, not true.

 

Again, read what I wrote.

 

There is a big, big difference between being able to find someone attractive, and actually being physically attracted to them.

 

Married people, for example, can objectively find people attractive without feeling any sort of draw, pull, or sexual attraction towards them. "She's beautiful!" or "Wow, he's cute!" That doesn't necessarily mean that they feel it in their loins. Something else must be there for a woman to actually get wet in her pants for a guy.

 

Understand?

 

Maybe you don't understand, because, like I said, attraction is different for men and women. For YOU, to find someone physically attractive means you're attracted to them - sans anything mental/emotional. That's not how it works for most women. Most women won't see a hot guy and just spread her legs for him. There's gotta be something more to attract her.

Yes so many women do see a hot guy and will easily kiss him or hook up with him based on their physical draw to him alone.

 

If women needed emotional connection all the time then hooking up wouldnt happen as much as it does. And it happens with people in their teens, 20s, and 30s. So dont even try to go the maturity route with me.

 

I have good chick friends, and I hear how they talk about men.

SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

Posted
Posted
No, it doesn't. That's what I'm trying to tell you, but you're refusing to listen because you, as a man, are trying to define attraction for a woman.

 

If you see a man who you think is good looking what does that mean then?

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted (edited)
If you see a man who you think is good looking what does that mean then?

 

"That man is good looking!"

 

Nothing more.

 

I do not feel physically/sexually attracted to him until I know more, until something I learn about him makes me feel a mental/emotional connection.

 

I see a hot guy at a bar, and I think, "That guy is HOT. I wonder what he's about." If/when we end up talking, I may or may not learn something about him that will lead me to become physically/sexually attracted to him, or completely turn the wetness off. But from a distance, am I physically attracted to him? No. He's just a pretty object.

 

Finding something/someone attractive does not mean you are attracted *to* it/them.

 

Using your logic:

Think about a conversation with a future GF/wife of yours about one of your female coworkers...

GF/Wife: "Is she pretty?"

You: "Yeah, she's pretty."

GF/Wife: "WTF?!?! You're physically ATTRACTED to your coworker!?!?!"

Edited by Star Gazer
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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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Without saying what it was, if there was something, was there something physically about him that's normally not your type, that you tried to ignore or hoped would become a non-issue?

 

I have a couple traits that I try to get past, but just... can't.

 

He was my height and chubby. His body/build was what I am normally not into. I was on the fence at first and because it's winter here, he was either wearing a coat or sitting down for dinner or a movie so I wasn't able to see it at first. Those are probably the things that I have hard time getting past in any guy. But we connected so well otherwise...it just wasn't enough.

kaylan Established Member

kaylan

Posted
Posted
He was my height and chubby. His body/build was what I am normally not into. I was on the fence at first and because it's winter here, he was either wearing a coat or sitting down for dinner or a movie so I wasn't able to see it at first. Those are probably the things that I have hard time getting past in any guy. But we connected so well otherwise...it just wasn't enough.

ES, ladies like you are why I stay fit and take my vitamins. Im not in my 30s yet, but Im hoping I set myself apart from all the other guys if Im still single when I get there =P

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Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
He was my height and chubby. His body/build was what I am normally not into. I was on the fence at first and because it's winter here, he was either wearing a coat or sitting down for dinner or a movie so I wasn't able to see it at first. Those are probably the things that I have hard time getting past in any guy. But we connected so well otherwise...it just wasn't enough.

 

Yeah, I understand. That's the same thing I have tried to get past, but I just...can't.

Ripnet Established Member

Ripnet

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Star Gazer I have dealt with the public since high school. I've seen a lot of people and flirted with a lot of women. Most women need to connect on a physical level. Seriously a woman wouldn't want to date a guy who is bald, fat, with no teeth.

 

If you think a woman is attracted to a woman on an emotional level first then these women would date the guy I just described.

Ripnet Established Member

Ripnet

Posted
Posted
He was my height and chubby. His body/build was what I am normally not into. I was on the fence at first and because it's winter here, he was either wearing a coat or sitting down for dinner or a movie so I wasn't able to see it at first. Those are probably the things that I have hard time getting past in any guy. But we connected so well otherwise...it just wasn't enough.

 

So what happens if you marry a guy and he gets fat are you going to dump him? If you even watch many of the movie stars or tv actresses/actor many of these people are very attractive at a younger age but less attractive at an older age. I say some become below average.

 

Also if you get pregnant it is difficult to lose the the weight.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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So what happens if you marry a guy and he gets fat are you going to dump him? If you even watch many of the movie stars or tv actresses/actor many of these people are very attractive at a younger age but less attractive at an older age. I say some become below average.

 

Also if you get pregnant it is difficult to lose the the weight.

 

Haha, lookswise I am not that picky. If you only saw the last few guys I dated :laugh: Emotional/intellectual connection is MUCH more important to me. Having said that, there are few physical traits that are such turn offs that I can't get past them no matter what.

 

If I fell in love with someone and then his looks changed, that's a whole different story.

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SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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"That man is good looking!"

 

Nothing more.

 

I do not feel physically/sexually attracted to him until I know more, until something I learn about him makes me feel a mental/emotional connection.

 

I see a hot guy at a bar, and I think, "That guy is HOT. I wonder what he's about." If/when we end up talking, I may or may not learn something about him that will lead me to become physically/sexually attracted to him, or completely turn the wetness off. But from a distance, am I physically attracted to him? No. He's just a pretty object.

 

Finding something/someone attractive does not mean you are attracted *to* it/them.

 

Using your logic:

Think about a conversation with a future GF/wife of yours about one of your female coworkers...

GF/Wife: "Is she pretty?"

You: "Yeah, she's pretty."

GF/Wife: "WTF?!?! You're physically ATTRACTED to your coworker!?!?!"

 

I'm not talking about ANYTHING feelings related and you know it. If your eyes like what they see you are physically attracted to whatever it is. I don't care if it's same sex, opposite sex, trans gender I don't care what the scenario. If you "feel" attracted you are attracted overall. There's a woman at work that I am physically attracted to and I'd do xyz with her at the drop of a hat, obviously. TBS I don't feel one iota of attraction toward her. On the other end of the spectrum, there's a woman I've developed a crush on. I was immedeately attracted to her when I saw her and here's a news flash for you: She's not as attractive as the girl I work with. I like her face but I'm not crazy about her body BUT I feel attracted to her so I'd date her in a New York minute.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I'm not talking about ANYTHING feelings related and you know it. If your eyes like what they see you are physically attracted to whatever it is. I don't care if it's same sex, opposite sex, trans gender I don't care what the scenario. If you "feel" attracted you are attracted overall. There's a woman at work that I am physically attracted to and I'd do xyz with her at the drop of a hat, obviously. TBS I don't feel one iota of attraction toward her. On the other end of the spectrum, there's a woman I've developed a crush on. I was immedeately attracted to her when I saw her and here's a news flash for you: She's not as attractive as the girl I work with. I like her face but I'm not crazy about her body BUT I feel attracted to her so I'd date her in a New York minute.

 

This is not true. I see many beautiful women. I even turn around to admire them. Yet, I don't feel desire to touch them, have sex with them or do x y z. So I am not attracted. They are like a beautiful work of art.

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SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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This is not true. I see many beautiful women. I even turn around to admire them. Yet, I don't feel desire to touch them, have sex with them or do x y z. So I am not attracted. They are like a beautiful work of art.

 

Ok so I guess I'm wrong and it's a matter of grammar/word useage. Women just make attraction so complicated lol. Did you find the man you're dating physically attractive before you started dating?

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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I'm not talking about ANYTHING feelings related and you know it.

 

No, I don't know it.

 

To find someone attractive isn't a feeling. It's a thought.

 

To be attracted to someone is a feeling. It's a desire.

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Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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Women just make attraction so complicated lol.

 

Indeed, what stirs a woman is much more intricate and layered than that of a man.

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SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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Indeed, what stirs a woman is much more intricate and layered than that of a man.

 

You don't seem to be able to differentiate the two. Speaking for myself there's physical attraction and the attraction you feel, I'm capable of both.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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You don't seem to be able to differentiate the two.

 

What? That's what I've been doing throughout this thread. It's not my fault you don't understand what attracts a WOMAN! :laugh:

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I think that deep down this is some form of subconcious commitment phobia. IN your past posts you have said yourself how against relationships you are. I think any man no matter what will get the same response if he is really into you.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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Ok so I guess I'm wrong and it's a matter of grammar/word useage. Women just make attraction so complicated lol. Did you find the man you're dating physically attractive before you started dating?

 

No, not really. But everything else flowed so easily that I hoped it will grow :(

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I think that deep down this is some form of subconcious commitment phobia. IN your past posts you have said yourself how against relationships you are. I think any man no matter what will get the same response if he is really into you.

 

Yeah, I take that in consideration. I am aware of my issues. I even saw a therapist few days back that I have been seeing on and off for some time. She asked me many questions to help and untangle my emotions. After that I saw even more clearly that in this case it was really a genuine lack of physical attraction.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Yeah, I take that in consideration. I am aware of my issues. I even saw a therapist few days back that I have been seeing on and off for some time. She asked me many questions to help and untangle my emotions. After that I saw even more clearly that in this case it was really a genuine lack of physical attraction.

 

You said yourself though that in the past you were attracted to a short bald guy and you were attracted to your boss who wasn't a hunk either but these two men were unavailable. There does seem to be a pattern here.

sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

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I will tell him over the phone but I am not sure if something like "no physical chemistry" is too hurtful for a guy. Should I go with "I am too busy too date right now" (also true in a way). I know he will ask for explanations :(

 

"This isn't working for me. I can't see this working as a relationship so I don't think we should see each other any more. Sorry."

 

or something like that.

 

Don't add "but you're a great guy really".

 

Good luck!

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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You said yourself though that in the past you were attracted to a short bald guy and you were attracted to your boss who wasn't a hunk either but these two men were unavailable. There does seem to be a pattern here.

 

But they weren't chubby :/ And in the case of short bald guy, there was just a lot of physical chemistry there. I couldn't keep my hands of him since date 2 and before I had any idea if he was willing to commit or not. I will admit that he had really nice forearms :D

 

My boss has a very cute face and amazing eyes.

 

This guy had nothing that I found physically attractive unfortunately.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
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She went out with him because she, like most women, was attracted by who he is first and foremost. For most women, sexual/physical attraction comes after the emotional/mental connection. This is why most women cannot be sexually/physically attracted to someone they have no emotional/mental connection with.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong. Women want to find the guy physically attractive, but that doesn't mean we're physically attracted to him. There's a big difference between being attractive to a woman, and her being attracted to you.

 

I've said this so many times; men and women are initially attracted by different things. For men, it's the visual/physical. For women, it's the mental/emotional.

 

Going to have to disagree. It's dangerous saying "most women." Just stick with, "the way IM attracted to men is..." Because I'm a woman and this doesn't describe me at all. Being attracted to someone initially is purely physical and has nothing to do with what he's about. If he turns out to be a douchebag I leave but if he happens to be a great guy, even better.

 

However I can't date someone I don't find purely physically attractive, and that's not something I want to have to force with someone.

 

I wouldn't agree to date someone who I thought was "meh" in terms of physical attractiveness.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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So I ended it...

 

He called me tonight for a chat, as usual and I told him something like:

 

"Listen, I have to be honest with you: while I enjoyed the time we spent together, I just don't feel that there is enough chemistry to go further. I am really sorry"

 

He was really cool about it (luckily) and thanked me for my honesty and said that he sensed I wasn't physically attracted to him :( and he also thanked me for not leading him on and wished me all the best. He was going to take me to another expensive dinner next week :/

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