I feel like I got in deep...I need to get out

[kaylan]

NOT FOR WOMEN. Men and women aren't sexually attracted for the same reasons.

:lmao:

 

Tell that to the women Ive hooked up with in my lifetime before they got to know me. Men and women arent as different as people try to make it sometimes.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with you but we're talking chicken and egg here, not grand scheme. OP said she liked a guy but is not physically attracted so I'm thinking why did she go out with him in the first place? Hence my CP assumtion.

 

She went out with him because she, like most women, was attracted by who he is first and foremost. For most women, sexual/physical attraction comes after the emotional/mental connection. This is why most women cannot be sexually/physically attracted to someone they have no emotional/mental connection with.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong. Women want to find the guy physically attractive, but that doesn't mean we're physically attracted to him. There's a big difference between being attractive to a woman, and her being attracted to you.

 

I've said this so many times; men and women are initially attracted by different things. For men, it's the visual/physical. For women, it's the mental/emotional.

 

Women think, "He had sex with me (he's physically/sexually attracted to me), so he MUST really like me!" She thinks this because she assumes he experiences attraction the same way she does. If SHE was physically/sexually attracted, it would mean that she was already emotionally/mentally attracted, and that both types of attraction were there. But just because a man has sex with her (is physically/sexually attracted), doesn't mean that he's also feeling emotionally/mentally connected to her.

 

Men think, "We spent all this time together, she shared so much with me and was so nice to me (she's feeling mentally/emotionally attracted to me), so she must REALLY life me!" He thinks this because he assumes she experiences attraction the same way he does. If HE was mentally/emotionally attracted, it would mean he was already physically/sexually attracted, and that both types of attraction were there. But just because she shares with him (is mentally/emotionally attracted), doesn't mean she's also feeling sexually/physically attracted to him.

[kaylan]

Also, ive seen both men and women need physical attraction before an emotional connection. Its usually the prerequisite before emotional connection can follow. If women were so different in their attraction patterns, then girls and women would stop pasting posters of hot guys over their bedroom walls.

 

And Id have never had fast hookups either. But I have....so whats that tell you. Ive had girls peg me as someone they wanted to bang simply based on my looks....so it is what it is. At the end of the day you gotta have both emotional and physical, no matter which comes first.

 

Im just saying that people need to stop acting like women are soooo much different from guys. Ive learned to stop acting like that was so, and its helped me understand women better actually. Most things Ive gone through with women has shown me all my little expectations regarding their emotions is wrong. Hell, Ive been the one more in tune with the emotional stuff more than the girls Ive encountered.

 

So much so that I keep wishing I could find this emotional creature whos less able to separate sex and emotions. I always hear how women think with their hearts first and cant separate sex and emotions...yet I always seem to find the women who did it just find.

Edited June 23, 2013 by kaylan

[Star Gazer]

Also, ive seen both men and women need physical attraction before an emotional connection. Its usually the prerequisite before emotional connection can follow. If women were so different in their attraction patterns, then girls and women would stop pasting posters of hot guys over their bedroom walls.

 

Of course, there will be exceptions. But the exceptions prove the rule.

 

Also, I am speaking of mature adults, not girls who plaster their bedroom walls with hot guys. If they're your target audience, that explains... a lot.

[kaylan]

So your not even gonna try sex......

 

What if the sex is awsome, cant you dim the lights

Put on some music and just give the guy a shot....

 

For god sakes even guys have sex with women they

Are not into just to make the woman happy .

 

Ive been not sexually into chicks but did them strictly

Becuase i want the woman to maintain self esteem and

Her ego.....

Youre instructing her to have pity sex? No, just no. If shes not into him physically, the sex isnt gonna be awesome.

Of course, there will be exceptions. But the exceptions prove the rule.

 

Also, I am speaking of mature adults, not girls who plaster their bedroom walls with hot guys. If they're your target audience, that explains... a lot.

I am talking about adults. A lot of girls and women do this (even if its just one poster or calender). Whether you deem them mature or not makes no difference. My experience, as well as many other mens experiences, has shown us that the majority of women have physical attraction before the emotional.

 

Thats most people. Physical attraction is the gateway to emotional attraction usually. We generally need to know theres a possibility for sex before allowing for a deeper connection. Its exactly why guys fall in the friend zone all the time.

 

If emotional connection came first, then guys would be able to escape the friend zone a lot more often. However, its usually that the girl knew she wasnt attracted to the guy to begin with, but stayed friends because he showed himself to be pretty cool.

Edited June 23, 2013 by kaylan

[SJC2008]

She went out with him because she, like most women, was attracted by who he is first and foremost. For most women, sexual/physical attraction comes after the emotional/mental connection. This is why most women cannot be sexually/physically attracted to someone they have no emotional/mental connection with.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong. Women want to find the guy physically attractive, but that doesn't mean we're physically attracted to him. There's a big difference between being attractive to a woman, and her being attracted to you.

 

I've said this so many times; men and women are initially attracted by different things. For men, it's the visual/physical. For women, it's the mental/emotional.

 

Women think, "He had sex with me (he's physically/sexually attracted to me), so he MUST really like me!" She thinks this because she assumes he experiences attraction the same way she does. If SHE was physically/sexually attracted, it would mean that she was already emotionally/mentally attracted, and that both types of attraction were there. But just because a man has sex with her (is physically/sexually attracted), doesn't mean that he's also feeling emotionally/mentally connected to her.

 

Men think, "We spent all this time together, she shared so much with me and was so nice to me (she's feeling mentally/emotionally attracted to me), so she must REALLY life me!" He thinks this because he assumes she experiences attraction the same way he does. If HE was mentally/emotionally attracted, it would mean he was already physically/sexually attracted, and that both types of attraction were there. But just because she shares with him (is mentally/emotionally attracted), doesn't mean she's also feeling sexually/physically attracted to him.

 

I understand where you're comming from but you are taking it to the extreme. I know for a fact that plenty of women know whether or not they'd eff a guy as soon as they seen him and I refuse to beleive otherwise. Hell I remeber when I was in high school I heard a girl in the hallway saying "I'd eff the shyt out of coach x", a good looking man no shocker. Don't tell me she was emotionally attracted to him.

[Star Gazer]

I understand where you're comming from but you are taking it to the extreme. I know for a fact that plenty of women know whether or not they'd eff a guy as soon as they seen him and I refuse to beleive otherwise. Hell I remeber when I was in high school I heard a girl in the hallway saying "I'd eff the shyt out of coach x", a good looking man no shocker. Don't tell me she was emotionally attracted to him.

 

Another guy relying on high school as their barometer.

 

SMH.

[kaylan]

She went out with him because she, like most women, was attracted by who he is first and foremost. For most women, sexual/physical attraction comes after the emotional/mental connection. This is why most women cannot be sexually/physically attracted to someone they have no emotional/mental connection with.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong. Women want to find the guy physically attractive, but that doesn't mean we're physically attracted to him. There's a big difference between being attractive to a woman, and her being attracted to you.

 

I've said this so many times; men and women are initially attracted by different things. For men, it's the visual/physical. For women, it's the mental/emotional.

 

Women think, "He had sex with me (he's physically/sexually attracted to me), so he MUST really like me!" She thinks this because she assumes he experiences attraction the same way she does. If SHE was physically/sexually attracted, it would mean that she was already emotionally/mentally attracted, and that both types of attraction were there. But just because a man has sex with her (is physically/sexually attracted), doesn't mean that he's also feeling emotionally/mentally connected to her.

 

Men think, "We spent all this time together, she shared so much with me and was so nice to me (she's feeling mentally/emotionally attracted to me), so she must REALLY life me!" He thinks this because he assumes she experiences attraction the same way he does. If HE was mentally/emotionally attracted, it would mean he was already physically/sexually attracted, and that both types of attraction were there. But just because she shares with him (is mentally/emotionally attracted), doesn't mean she's also feeling sexually/physically attracted to him.

Um...she knew she wasnt much attracted to him at the get go. And she was trying to force the issue.

 

So I dont think your explanation was right at all. She was giving something a chance that didnt have much a chance. The attraction stage came before the emotional stage, but he didnt pass the test and now is being put out to pasture.

Another guy relying on high school as their barometer.

 

SMH.

Explain the past two women who hooked up with me without barely knowing me. Im 26, and these are not outliers. My relationships and stronger connections have been similar in that physical attraction was always established first.

[Star Gazer]

I am talking about adults. A lot of girls and women do this (even if its just one poster or calender). Whether you deem them mature or not makes no difference.

 

It makes a big difference.

 

I haven't known a female to have a picture of a hot guy on her wall since I was 18 years old.

 

My experience, as well as many other mens experiences, has shown us that the majority of women have physical attraction before the emotional.

 

Simply not true. If that was the case, every single woman would be putting out on the first date, or first meeting. It's just not the way the majority of us work.

 

Besides, how would you know that they aren't feeling emotionally connected? Because you've only had ONS, no other sort of interaction? (Drunk in bars, and young girls who plaster their walls with Paul Walker, doesn't count. Not when you're a mature adult.)

[SJC2008]

Another guy relying on high school as their barometer.

 

SMH.

 

I'm not relying on HS as a barometer, it was just an example. You make it sound like women don't have eyes and are just floating souls seeking their counter part.

[Star Gazer]

Um...she knew she wasnt much attracted to him at the get go. And she was trying to force the issue.

 

Right, because she knows - like most women know - that physical/sexual attraction for a man can grow as we get to know him and become mentally/emotionally connected. She was waiting for the mental/emotional connection she feels (as evidenced by all the sharing, etc.) to progress, as it normally does, it's carnal desire. It didn't. When it doesn't, it's disappointing.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not relying on HS as a barometer, it was just an example. You make it sound like women don't have eyes and are just floating souls seeking their counter part.

 

Read what I said again, please.

 

I said of course we want to find him attractive, and a cute guy will always excite us. But a cute face and hot bod doesn't keep us around, because it's secondary to the mental/emotional connection.

[TaraMaiden]

So your not even gonna try sex......

 

What if the sex is awsome, cant you dim the lights

Put on some music and just give the guy a shot....

I think you may find it takes a bit more than this to make a guy sexually attractive.... no amount of dim lighting and mood music is going to do anything if the spark isn't there to begin with....

 

For god sakes even guys have sex with women they

Are not into just to make the woman happy .

 

Oh gimme a break! Any guy would give his right arm to get his pocket pal where he wants it!

 

There is no sacrifice there for a guy who manages to maintain an erection in the face of keeping a woman happy....it's because he wants sex just as much!

Please, don't build it up to be an act of martyrdom. If you have sex with a woman to keep her happy, I'm pretty sure the feeling would be mutual....

 

Ive been not sexually into chicks but did them strictly

Becuase i want the woman to maintain self esteem and

Her ego.....

 

"did them"? What kind of a phrase is that, 'did them'...? What are you, 16?

 

And you 'wanted them to maintain their self-esteem and ego'?

I'm finding it hard to quit laughing right now, because i think for all the reasons guys like to have sex with ladies, this one would be so far down the list as to be a figment of their imagination.

Seriously?

 

You never has sex simply because it was available?

I's be far more inclined to believe you if you were more honest.

 

And less condescending.

This is clearly so much more about your self-esteem and ego.....

Which you appear to be bolstering with tales of ultimate personal sacrifice and charitable boshing.

 

[kaylan]

It makes a big difference.

 

I haven't known a female to have a picture of a hot guy on her wall since I was 18 years old.

Plenty of women in their 20s get posters and fireman calenders for example.

 

Simply not true. If that was the case, every single woman would be putting out on the first date, or first meeting. It's just not the way the majority of us work.

Having attraction does NOT mean you will lack self control. Im saying that most women recognized they were attracted to me physically long before we established a real emotional connection. Same for every other guy I know.

Besides, how would you know that they aren't feeling emotionally connected? Because you've only had ONS, no other sort of interaction? (Drunk in bars, and young girls who plaster their walls with Paul Walker, doesn't count. Not when you're a mature adult.)

Firstly, Ive only had one ONS in my life. Secondly, the other girls Ive had flings with havent had enough time to get to know me to establish anything emotional. And lastly, they were the ones to usually bail out on things while I felt something more than they did.

 

So keep telling me how emotional attraction comes first...because I and many other men havent experienced this. And generally you wont get to have a girl become emotionally invested in you if shes not physically attracted to you to begin with. Most women move on if the attraction isnt there in the beginning.

[SJC2008]

OP where did you meet this guy? How long did you know him before you started dating?

[kaylan]

Right, because she knows - like most women know - that physical/sexual attraction for a man can grow as we get to know him and become mentally/emotionally connected. She was waiting for the mental/emotional connection she feels (as evidenced by all the sharing, etc.) to progress, as it normally does, it's carnal desire. It didn't. When it doesn't, it's disappointing.

Same thing happens to guys sometimes. Sometimes attraction can grow with someone whos awesome personality wise.

 

However its usually just wishful thinking. And most people know that nowadays, which is why OP didnt settle. The only reason she gave it a chance is prolly because of her age and her not wanting to let a good one get away. But Im sure in the beginning she knew this would happen, and Im sure shes been in situations where the physical attraction was there and there was great emotional connection shortly after.

[Star Gazer]

...which is why OP didnt settle.

 

You meant to say, which is why she CHOSE to move on and remain single.

[kaylan]

Read what I said again, please.

 

I said of course we want to find him attractive, and a cute guy will always excite us. But a cute face and hot bod doesn't keep us around, because it's secondary to the mental/emotional connection.

Duh, thats everybody.

 

And since you mention "keep us around"...its clear that in those situations the physical attraction came first. It had to if you need the emotional part to keep the girl around.

 

And heck, thats been my issue in the last few years. Meeting women who easily get the physical part, but the emotional connection never comes. So I wish youd stop acting like youre attraction and dating patterns speak for most women.

[SJC2008]

Read what I said again, please.

 

I said of course we want to find him attractive, and a cute guy will always excite us. But a cute face and hot bod doesn't keep us around, because it's secondary to the mental/emotional connection.

 

I'm not disputing that physical attraction can grow. All I'm saying is that you know a man is good looking before you date him. The fact that you find him good looking means you are physically attracted to him.

[PogoStick]

This is tough. I'm someone who wants the straight truth. I feel that helps with closure and moving on. But when thinking of someone else's situation, my instinct says to soften the blow.

 

I think you can split the difference. You can say something like it just doesn't feel right. You don't have to outright say, I don't find you attractive...or, you don't make me wet. Yeah avoid that last one.

 

But for the benefit of all your LS friends, can you explain more clearly what wasn't working for you? What do you want in a man that he can't fulfill?

[Star Gazer]

I'm not disputing that physical attraction can grow. All I'm saying is that you know a man is good looking before you date him. The fact that you find him good looking means you are physically attracted to him.

 

Nope, not true.

 

Again, read what I wrote.

 

There is a big, big difference between being able to find someone attractive, and actually being physically attracted to them.

 

Married people, for example, can objectively find people attractive without feeling any sort of draw, pull, or sexual attraction towards them. "She's beautiful!" or "Wow, he's cute!" That doesn't necessarily mean that they feel it in their loins. Something else must be there for a woman to actually get wet in her pants for a guy.

 

Understand?

 

Maybe you don't understand, because, like I said, attraction is different for men and women. For YOU, to find someone physically attractive means you're attracted to them - sans anything mental/emotional. That's not how it works for most women. Most women won't see a hot guy and just spread her legs for him. There's gotta be something more to attract her.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is tough. I'm someone who wants the straight truth. I feel that helps with closure and moving on. But when thinking of someone else's situation, my instinct says to soften the blow.

 

I think you can split the difference. You can say something like it just doesn't feel right. You don't have to outright say, I don't find you attractive...or, you don't make me wet. Yeah avoid that last one.

 

But for the benefit of all your LS friends, can you explain more clearly what wasn't working for you? What do you want in a man that he can't fulfill?

 

He didn't make me wet.

 

As simple as that.

 

I was hoping that it will happen because I like him as a person but it didn't.

 

I don't have a specific list of why one man does it for me and the other doesn't. Few months back, I was super attracted to the short, bald guy. Many women probably wouldn't be. He ended up not wanting to commit though

[Star Gazer]

He didn't make me wet.

 

As simple as that.

 

I was hoping that it will happen because I like him as a person but it didn't.

 

I don't have a specific list of why one man does it for me and the other doesn't. Few months back, I was super attracted to the short, bald guy. Many women probably wouldn't be. He ended up not wanting to commit though

 

Without saying what it was, if there was something, was there something physically about him that's normally not your type, that you tried to ignore or hoped would become a non-issue?

 

I have a couple traits that I try to get past, but just... can't.

[SJC2008]

Nope, not true.

 

Again, read what I wrote.

 

There is a big, big difference between being able to find someone attractive, and actually being physically attracted to them.

 

Married people, for example, can objectively find people attractive without feeling any sort of draw, pull, or sexual attraction towards them. "She's beautiful!" or "Wow, he's cute!" That doesn't necessarily mean that they feel it in their loins. Something else must be there for a woman to actually get wet in her pants for a guy.

 

Understand?

 

Maybe you don't understand, because, like I said, attraction is different for men and women. For YOU, to find someone physically attractive means you're attracted to them - sans anything mental/emotional. That's not how it works for most women. Most women won't see a hot guy and just spread her legs for him. There's gotta be something more to attract her.

 

Don't turn this into a word play, you know exactly what I'm talking about and I know the difference between physical attraction and a gut level attraction.

 

If you see a guy walking down the street and think he's good looking, that means you are physically attracted to him. I didn't say that means you find him attractive in your term. It means your eyeballs see something they like, that's all.

[kaylan]

He didn't make me wet.

 

As simple as that.

 

I was hoping that it will happen because I like him as a person but it didn't.

 

I don't have a specific list of why one man does it for me and the other doesn't. Few months back, I was super attracted to the short, bald guy. Many women probably wouldn't be. He ended up not wanting to commit though

Lemme ask you this though. How have these situations panned out for you in the past, where you tried to wait for the attraction to grow? Have you usually had physical attraction to someone first? And by attraction, I mean the door being very open for potential sex....not just a "meh" feeling.