What would you do / did you do?

[Confused48]

What about the children and talking about the affair? My kids are elementary school age. Pre teen. They know something is up. They have overheard things. Read things. Seen things. WS and I are attempting recon. There is NC with the AP. I personally would prefer the children know nothing about the A but the ship has sailed on that. So what now? They don't ask any questions. I think they feel secure.

[So happy together]

I'm not sure why you would want to pull your children into your marital woes. Do you discuss your sex life with your WS with them? Some things are adults only.

[ComingInHot]

Confused, isn't it amazing what children older & younger can pick up on?!!? I am sorry they overheard/read ect... enough to Know what's going on. Once they do & are concerned, they start w/the questions don't they.

 

So what do you do as parents? Lie to them? Give them every detail? Or maybe tell them enough to take whatever burden or stress off of them?.?.

Something like, " Mommy made a mistake" or "Daddy hurt Mommy's heart" then possibly, " But we are doing what we can to make things better for us" and finally, "No matter what the better is kids, Know This, Mom & Dad LOVE YOU w/all our hearts and that dear ones will NEVER change!".

 

As much as we Want to shield & protect our kids, they are humans too and pick up on things, sometimes figure things out all on their own. It's important to remember this when we succeed, fall short, are stressed or short-tempered.

 

I can't conceive you OR your H would knowingly or purposefully " want to pull your children into your marital woes. "

 

Hang in Confused!!

[Confused48]

 

I can't conceive you OR your H would knowingly or purposefully " want to pull your children into your marital woes. "

 

Hang in Confused!!

 

Thanks CIH. I don't know where So Happy got the idea I would do that. I thought I was pretty clear that my preference is do nothing. I'm just pretty sure that now that they know something is up, doing nothing is probably not the best thing for them.

[janedoe67]

Our kids were early and late elementary school aged, and my husband told them that Mommy got too close to someone in a way that only Mommies and Daddies should be close, but that I was sorry and that he and I were working on fixing it. That pretty much took care of their worries about the tension.

[underwater2010]

How about a simple mommy and daddy are having problems but we are working on them. We love all of you and do not want you to worry.

 

They do not need the grimy details or to know that someone slept with someone else. Also, try to be as normal as possible around them. If you both used to show affection in front of them, then try to do it again if possible. NO fighting in front of the kids and don't speak about the affair while they are present. I preferred to talk while they are sleeping.

[So happy together]

How about a simple mommy and daddy are having problems but we are working on them. We love all of you and do not want you to worry.

 

They do not need the grimy details or to know that someone slept with someone else. Also, try to be as normal as possible around them. If you both used to show affection in front of them, then try to do it again if possible. NO fighting in front of the kids and don't speak about the affair while they are present. I preferred to talk while they are sleeping.

 

Yes, this is what I meant to say.

[Confused48]

How about a simple mommy and daddy are having problems but we are working on them. We love all of you and do not want you to worry.

 

This would be good if they did not already know more about it

 

They do not need the grimy details or to know that someone slept with someone else.

 

Of course I would never give them new information about the A that they did not already have. But since they do know some things, like that there was an inappropriate relationship that threatened the marriage, I wonder, do I just let them chew on that? Do I hope they forget what they know or it just becomes unimportant to them? I'm not sure that is best but I don't know what else to do.

 

 

Also, try to be as normal as possible around them. If you both used to show affection in front of them, then try to do it again if possible.

 

We are attempting recon. There is no shortage of affection. More than ever.

[janedoe67]

My kids did not really ask any questions at the time except the oldest one. When they got older they asked a bit more and I just told them the simplest truth based on their questions. There was a TV show about affairs on a couple of years later and my daughter said "Is that what you did?" I told her yes and that it was wrong but that Dad had forgiven me and we were working to make our marriage really close now.

[PhoenixRise]

I think you are on the right track.

 

Of course you don't want to give the children more info than they can handle. But you are right to be concerned about their possible confusion about what they might have picked up, heard or read from living in a household where there has been a dday.

 

Just make sure the children know they can talk to you and your h and ask any question of either about anything that might be bothering them.

 

And

 

Talk to your h so that you and he are on the same page about giving your children the simplest version of the age appropriate truth possible.

[Confused48]

"Mommy let another man park his car in her garage."

 

The kiddies will get the point.

 

Now that is just sick. I hope you are joking. It is funny in a gallows humor sort of way but I'm not sure you meant it that way or if maybe you are just one twisted individual.

[janedoe67]

I think telling the truth is always the best option.

 

I think that those with children would agree that telling their child the truth in a way that will be clear but not overwhelming, along with a dose of compassion, is the most beneficial WAY of telling the truth.

 

There are any number of ways my husband could have told my children I had an affair. Because he didn't want to overwhelm then and because, regardless of my bad choices, he didn't want then to hate ME, he told them in a way that didn't give them pornographic nightmares.

 

I think the best way I could put it is that his love for our children outweighed his anger at me. I respect that.

[jnj express]

This is real simple---if you expect and preach honesty TO YOUR KIDS---then you better da*n well BE HONEST WITH THEM

 

If they are in the 4th/5th grade they know what cheating is all about---also other kids at school who are in split homes, will talk about their problems---so upper elementary kids, know what is going on

 

Also it probably would be best if the cheating parent owned up, and explained the situation------one other thing try to make it a lesson in life, do not ever forget---you are their ROLE MODELS

[jnj express]

Hey Lurker---OK---then you tell me what the parents are gonna say when the kids are dragged to split homes, or if the parents R---and there are arguments/fights/misery, which there are, much of the time----you gonna tell me its none of their business

 

Kids know from the age of 2 yrs what is going on----and yes ADULT PARENTS DO HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO THEIR CHILDREN---just the same as the KIDS HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO THEIR PARENTS

 

Or did you FORGET Lurker---that the reason the kids are there is due to the adult parents.

[janedoe67]

I agree with being honest with kids....

 

I also think motivation and attitude is very important. I am glad that my husband was not selfish enough to use the kids as a punishing tool. It would have been a pretty selfish sort of satisfaction in the long run for him to give in to his temptation to try to sway the children to whom I gave birth to hate me.

 

I was open with them as well......but both of us in the long run cared more about them than ourselves - I cared more about them than my fear of being "embarrassed" and he cared more about them than his desire to stick it to me.

[Confused48]

I totally agree with you, Confused. It's your private marital business and that's where it should stay.

 

All they need to know is that you're working on reconciliation. They're not your 'buddies' and don't need to be told anything more than that. I'll never get why parents think kids need to know every darned adult detail that goes in their marriages. They DON'T. It's none of their damned business.

 

Of course if they know nothing that is the best. My situation is more complex. They know more than just there is trouble between us. They know that there was an inappropriate relationship. So now what? I don't know what to say so by default I'm doing nothing. Maybe that is best. They do not ask either of us about what happened.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm guessing the title of your thread is asking what we would do in your exact situation, what with the kids finding out some of this stuff on their own?

 

Or are you asking in general, what we'd do whether they found out, or not?

 

In the interest of the former, since my daughter is only five, I doubt she'd process that much of it. Without either my H or my daughter knowing of the A, I have sat down and talked with her about "mommy not knowing if she'll stay with daddy". In that conversation, I told her we both love her very much, and we both still care about one another. I explained to her that we might need to stop living together; in that case, she'd still live with mommy, but she might not see daddy very often. She didn't really process any of that.

 

What she did process startled me, and continues to startle me, every time it comes up.

 

She knows my AP by name (knowing him to be my friend). There have been times, whether I was simply sad and putting on a brave face, or she happened to walk into the room, and caught me crying, she would ask:

 

"Do you miss *insert name*?"

 

As to the latter case, if/when D-day occurs? I would only give my daughter as much info as necessary. Heck, even if D-day never occurs, but D does, I would make sure she knows both mommy and daddy love her still, and even though we're splitting up, we are still friends, and that she can talk to both of us about anything. I wouldn't tell her about everything; that's a heavy burden for a child.

[Confused48]

Rebel,

 

Thanks for your specific response. Yes, I'm looking for that and not a general big picture discussion.

 

My oldest, older than yours, said, "don't worry, if you and WS get a D, AP will take care of WS." And after a loud fight, "don't worry, AP has a crush on WS but WS does not have a crush on AP."

 

 

As far as you telling your kids you and your H are still friends, how does your H feel about that? Is it true? I know I would not be friends with my WS nor would I say that to my kids if we were D.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Rebel,

 

Thanks for your specific response. Yes, I'm looking for that and not a general big picture discussion.

 

My oldest, older than yours, said, "don't worry, if you and WS get a D, AP will take care of WS." And after a loud fight, "don't worry, AP has a crush on WS but WS does not have a crush on AP."

 

 

As far as you telling your kids you and your H are still friends, how does your H feel about that? Is it true? I know I would not be friends with my WS nor would I say that to my kids if we were D.

 

I imagine if he knew I was a WS, it wouldn't be true. It would be more of a way to keep things civil between us for her benefit. If/when I tell him about it, I'll leave it to him to decide. Though admittedly, without knowing of the affair, but in the event of divorce? he already stated we won't be "hanging out", having less to do with the distance, and more to do with the fact that when he can see his daughter, it would be too painful for him to be around me. I told him I respected that stance, but for our daughter's sake, we would keep things civil.

 

If he knew of the affair, I imagine he'd keep up the pretense, all the same. I wouldn't expect, nor deserve, his friendship. So whatever follows, I need to be prepared. I do see the point you're making, of course.

[Spark1111]

Rebel,

 

Thanks for your specific response. Yes, I'm looking for that and not a general big picture discussion.

 

My oldest, older than yours, said, "don't worry, if you and WS get a D, AP will take care of WS." And after a loud fight, "don't worry, AP has a crush on WS but WS does not have a crush on AP."

 

 

As far as you telling your kids you and your H are still friends, how does your H feel about that? Is it true? I know I would not be friends with my WS nor would I say that to my kids if we were D.

 

Out of the mouths of babes.....

 

I shake my head at those who believe children are clueless.

 

Our children were young adults when DDay hit, and sadly, two of the three suspected their father's affair way before I did.

 

My H apologized to them in a letter and took full ownership of his actions and assured them it had nothing to do with me. That helped.

 

And his consistent actions to regain our trust did too, over time.

 

Plus, no matter how I privately raged, cried, ranted.....I always treated him with RESPECT in front of our children.

[MissBee]

I'm not sure why you would want to pull your children into your marital woes. Do you discuss your sex life with your WS with them? Some things are adults only.

 

There's a difference between putting children in the middle of marital woes, and explaining certain things to them, when you realize as the parent that they know something is wrong. What and how much you tell them if of course up to the parent and I wouldn't go telling them all about the affair....but the OP also said nothing about doing that, but was asking how to handle it.

 

To the OP:

 

I'm not a parent, but definitely grew up with a serial cheater for a dad and even when I was in elementary school, my sister and I KNEW when something was wrong. the entire energy in our house changed, besides the more obvious arguing. We didn't ask questions, not because we were secure, but because as a child, what exactly are you supposed to ask the adults? We knew it was an "adult issue" but we still wanted to feel safe and be spoken to and not for them to act like nothing was happening, while we knew something was up. What did we do? Just talk about it between us to soothe ourselves. It would have been very helpful if our parents sat us down (however, they clearly lacked that maturity to even realize we knew ) and reassured us. They could have done this without going into details about the affair.

Edited June 24, 2013 by MissBee