12 days until my flight and I think he's cheating...

[Miri_Rae]

My LDR boyfriend and I met 8 months ago and have been "official" for 6 of the 8. We met online so we both knew what the other wanted, in our case it was a serious meaningful relationship then marriage then a family and happily ever after. We had a previous-relationship discussion early on and he said that anytime a girl has a lot of guy friends or vice versa then cheating is inevitable. So he's actually never talked about having any "girl" friends beside his buddies girls.

 

His mom started cheating on his dad a year ago, moved in with the guy, and got tattoos with the guys name. His dad died 5 months ago. Then he lost his job 3 weeks later. I feel like this has put him in a mid-life crisis or something. He's been talking about having a child together and joking about us getting married since 3 months into the relationship and it didn't drive me away because I want to be married and having kids in the next 3-4 years.

 

Everything has snowballed from an insignificant tiff we had 6 days ago. My feelings got hurt and I made it clear I wanted an apology for hurting my feelings. When he didn't give me one I stopped talking to him that day. On average we have a good 20 text convo thru out the day and at least 2 phone calls. He got pissed when I told him my feelings were hurt and all I wanted was him to acknowledge that whether he meant to or not he had hurt me. He told me not to call him that night.

 

I think he tried to break up with me because he called as i was walking into work and said he wasnt any good fir me, he wasnt going anywhere with his life, i deserved better, "its not you, i just dont know whats going on with me." I told him I loved him and I would decide what was good for me. That I want him and our relationship and we could talk about it later. Which we did not, he's a pro at avoiding conversations.

 

3 nights ago he said "I don't know what's going on with me. I'm sorry"

 

We have iphones with imessaging. Yesterday he sent me a pic of him and a buddy at the beach but it sent as a text message. A few minutes later I got a text from a random number saying "no you won't :-(" I did not respond because I think he sent me and this person the pick. The number traces back to San Angelo, TX. Yes I googled the number. He lives in New Jersey. I live in Arlington, as does his family. So if its a girl he sent this too it's either his only girl cousin out here or his mom... Or another girl. His mom wouldn't have a Texas phone number and San Angelo is far far away from here to be his 17 year old cousin.

 

Early this morning he sent "I want to see you" and it came through as a text again. I texted back I missed him and he responded an hour later. I asked him to call me since I'm going to bed and he said he can't right now. No promise to call later or anything.

 

He always gives me cash for half the plane ticket. If we break up over him cheating I want a face to face conversation to get closure and be done. Should I wait to confront him? We have a lot to talk about with his lack of understanding and acknowledging my feelings. He's never given me a reason not to trust him so I feel I may be overreacting but I also feel like since this lil fight he's been acting odd and I just can't figure it out. Maybe he really is going thru some sort of mid life crisis?

 

Any and all comments/advice would be appreciated. Call me names or give me something to work with, I don't care, I just want us to be happy.

[justwhoiam]

he said that anytime a girl has a lot of guy friends or vice versa then cheating is inevitable.

That seems like a stretch to me. But at least he didn't show double standards...

 

Everything has snowballed from an insignificant tiff we had 6 days ago. My feelings got hurt and I made it clear I wanted an apology for hurting my feelings. When he didn't give me one I stopped talking to him that day.

Textbook case.

 

He got pissed when I told him my feelings were hurt and all I wanted was him to acknowledge that whether he meant to or not he had hurt me. He told me not to call him that night.

 

I think he tried to break up with me because he called as i was walking into work and said he wasnt any good fir me, he wasnt going anywhere with his life, i deserved better, "its not you, i just dont know whats going on with me." I told him I loved him and I would decide what was good for me. That I want him and our relationship and we could talk about it later. Which we did not, he's a pro at avoiding conversations.

What happened after that? Did you initiate conversation with him later on/days after?

 

3 nights ago he said "I don't know what's going on with me. I'm sorry"

It seems like a case of better late than never...

 

We have iphones with imessaging. Yesterday he sent me a pic of him and a buddy at the beach but it sent as a text message. A few minutes later I got a text from a random number saying "no you won't :-(" I did not respond because I think he sent me and this person the pick. The number traces back to San Angelo, TX. Yes I googled the number. He lives in New Jersey. I live in Arlington, as does his family. So if its a girl he sent this too it's either his only girl cousin out here or his mom... Or another girl. His mom wouldn't have a Texas phone number and San Angelo is far far away from here to be his 17 year old cousin.

After all that researching, why didn't you call the number to see who was the owner? And after that, why didn't you ask him too? You wouldn't be here now all worked up with assumptions.

 

Early this morning he sent "I want to see you" and it came through as a text again. I texted back I missed him and he responded an hour later. I asked him to call me since I'm going to bed and he said he can't right now. No promise to call later or anything.

1) 'I want to see you' can mean a number of things (I need to see you on cam, I'd like a picture of you, I want you to come here ASAP...)

2) Why did you text back with 'I miss you'?

3) He's spacing out contact and you keep being all over him. Stop. Stop. Have some sense of pride.

 

If we break up over him cheating I want a face to face conversation to get closure and be done. Should I wait to confront him?

Start ignoring him. When he texts, don't answer right away. He needs to process he's treating you bad and you're not going to tolerate it anymore. Let him know you can be over him and that just depends on him. See if he's willing to call you to have you back in his life. Be sure you also let him know you're not abandoning him in times of need. You can stand by him, but not as his lover anymore if he has that attitude. If he's cheating, just drop him. What kind of closure would you need? It'd feel awkward in person if he doesn't love you anymore. Why would you want to embarass him to that point?

 

Maybe he really is going thru some sort of mid life crisis?

How old is he?

 

Any and all comments/advice would be appreciated. Call me names or give me something to work with, I don't care, I just want us to be happy.

I can tell you have tons of thoughts on your mind... try to keep your cool right now. You need to think straight. Try not to freak out... I think you're almost there with everything and it might feel overwhelming. I understand you want to help him and not throw everything away. But at the same time, you need to be sure of his feelings now.

[Miri_Rae]

After all that researching, why didn't you call the number to see who was the owner? And after that, why didn't you ask him too? You wouldn't be here now all worked up with assumptions

 

I guess I don't want to over react if it's not anything, like if it his only cousin. But my gut says its not his cousin. I didn't want to bring it up to him and cause a fight. I don't want to call the number and the person on the other line over react or tell him I called them.

 

I want that face to face conversation so I know it's over, so I can say my peace and then goodbye. He's 29. No job, no family, no goals besides starting a family- he wants to be a dad. That's why I'm thinking midlife crisis...

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miri_Rae

He got pissed when I told him my feelings were hurt and all I wanted was him to acknowledge that whether he meant to or not he had hurt me. He told me not to call him that night.

 

I think he tried to break up with me because he called as i was walking into work and said he wasnt any good fir me, he wasnt going anywhere with his life, i deserved better, "its not you, i just dont know whats going on with me." I told him I loved him and I would decide what was good for me. That I want him and our relationship and we could talk about it later. Which we did not, he's a pro at avoiding conversations.

 

What happened after that? Did you initiate conversation with him later on/days after?

 

Yes I made contact before he tried breaking it off, I actually called him out on treating me the way he was and that he never acts like that so what was going on? I didn't even think cheating at this point. To which he called the next day as I was literally walking into work.

 

After that convo he texted me a pic of his dog with a cute caption and we just texted like normal and I just didn't bring it up again because I want to have a come-to-Jesus meeting when I get up there and straighten all of this out.

 

Thank you for your input, I'd appreciate more if you have any!

[TMichaels]

We had a previous-relationship discussion early on and he said that anytime a girl has a lot of guy friends or vice versa then cheating is inevitable.

 

Interesting viewpoint, but I don't think it's a widely-held belief. I also think you're adding 2 + 2 and come up with 44. Relax and take a breath. Geez!

 

His mom started cheating on his dad a year ago, moved in with the guy, and got tattoos with the guys name. His dad died 5 months ago. Then he lost his job 3 weeks later. I feel like this has put him in a mid-life crisis or something.

 

Honey, at 29 he's not having "a mid-life crisis." At 49, maybe. Though no doubt he's feeling stressed given all that's gone on in his life of which he for the most part has had control.

 

He's been talking about having a child together and joking about us getting married since 3 months into the relationship and it didn't drive me away because I want to be married and having kids in the next 3-4 years.

 

Nice he seems to fit into your game plan, but the fact this guy has been talking about marriage and kids when you only had been together three months *isn't* necessarily a positive thing. In fact, some would say it's a red flag.

 

Everything has snowballed from an insignificant tiff we had 6 days ago. My feelings got hurt and I made it clear I wanted an apology for hurting my feelings. When he didn't give me one I stopped talking to him that day. On average we have a good 20 text convo thru out the day and at least 2 phone calls. He got pissed when I told him my feelings were hurt and all I wanted was him to acknowledge that whether he meant to or not he had hurt me. He told me not to call him that night.

 

I don't know what it is that hurt your feelings but the fact he didn't apologize after you made him aware of how you were feeling isn't a very good sign.

 

He's either a) Incredibly self-centered and preoccupied; b)Doesn't respect you; c) Is tired of you being so needy, demanding or repeatedly needing reassurance of his interest in you that he's had it with the "small tiffs" and/or need to apologize.

 

I think he tried to break up with me because he called as i was walking into work and said he wasnt any good fir me, he wasnt going anywhere with his life, i deserved better, "its not you, i just dont know whats going on with me." I told him I loved him and I would decide what was good for me. That I want him and our relationship and we could talk about it later. Which we did not, he's a pro at avoiding conversations.

 

He may not want to talk about it because he hasn't worked it through in his mind yet nor knows what he wants to say or do. Girls "talk things out;" guys tend to "think things out" before come out with what they have to say.

 

3 nights ago he said "I don't know what's going on with me. I'm sorry"

 

So you got your apology (of sorts) or probably as close to one as you're going to get. Isn't that what you wanted?

 

We have iphones with imessaging. Yesterday he sent me a pic of him and a buddy at the beach but it sent as a text message.

 

Is this some sort of crime? Why is that so suspicious?

 

A few minutes later I got a text from a random number saying "no you won't :-(" I did not respond because I think he sent me and this person the pick.

 

I don't get it. Haven't you ever gotten a random text? Is every one you get reason for calling out the hounds?

 

The number traces back to San Angelo, TX. Yes I googled the number. He lives in New Jersey. I live in Arlington, as does his family. So if its a girl he sent this too it's either his only girl cousin out here or his mom... Or another girl. His mom wouldn't have a Texas phone number and San Angelo is far far away from here to be his 17 year old cousin.

 

Whoa! A little insecure and paranoid are we? How in heck do you justify in your mind going from getting a pic from your b/f showing him and a buddy at the beach followed by a random text that those two incidents are irrefutable proof he's "cheating on you" with "another girl?"

 

Early this morning he sent "I want to see you" and it came through as a text again.

 

So what? Why this continuing insinuation that sending a text means something sinister is going on? If what you're trying to say is that it isn't your usual form of communication then why don't you just ask him what's up all of a sudden sending you texts?

 

I texted back I missed him and he responded an hour later. I asked him to call me since I'm going to bed and he said he can't right now. No promise to call later or anything.

 

<rolling eyes/shrugging shoulders> What exactly is it you want him to do? Kiss the bottoms of your feet? He responded to your text. He told you he couldn't call you before you went to bed. If *he hadn't* responded at all, THEN you would have a right to complain.

 

Are you always this demanding and needy? The guy has had a lot of drama that's gone on in his life before and during the entire SIX months you've "been official." Why are you adding to his load?

 

He always gives me cash for half the plane ticket.

 

So?

 

If we break up over him cheating I want a face to face conversation to get closure and be done.

 

Always better to break up in person than on the phone, text, or email but if you want that sort of closure you best be prepared to save up your pennies so you can buy your own ticket.

 

Should I wait to confront him?

 

Oh, yes! By all means, sit and stew. Letting things fester is always the best way to deal with interpersonal issues. (NOT)

 

We have a lot to talk about with his lack of understanding and acknowledging my feelings.

 

That's an understatement.

 

He's never given me a reason not to trust him so I feel I may be overreacting...

 

Gee. Ya think?

 

...but I also feel like since this lil fight he's been acting odd and I just can't figure it out. Maybe he really is going thru some sort of mid life crisis?

 

It always takes two to tango. Yeah sure, he could be cheating on you just like you could be cheating on him. But before you destroy your relationship beyond repair I think you need to step back, get a hold of yourself, and quit looking for monsters under every bed.

 

BTW, how often do you two see each other? When is the next time you'll be together? Where do you meet? Your place or his?

 

Any and all comments/advice would be appreciated. Call me names or give me something to work with, I don't care, I just want us to be happy.

 

Umm, no one in an online relationship forum "can make the two of you happy." That's between the two of you and for you two to work out.

 

Instead of driving yourself crazy and the two of you apart by imagining endless conspiracy theories, why don't you just talk to him -- even if that means buying your own plane ticket, showing up at his door, and getting things straightened out?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

I guess I don't want to over react if it's not anything, like if it his only cousin. But my gut says its not his cousin. I didn't want to bring it up to him and cause a fight. I don't want to call the number and the person on the other line over react or tell him I called them.

 

So plug the number into Spokeo.com and see who it belongs to. You're already snooping so you might as well go whole-hog.

 

I want that face to face conversation so I know it's over, so I can say my peace and then goodbye.

 

Cart before the horse, don't you think? Or is what really is going on here is it's YOU who wants to break up with him -- perhaps *before* he finally does get fed up and dumps you?

 

He's 29. No job, no family, no goals besides starting a family- he wants to be a dad.

 

He has a family. He may not like or condone their behavior, but he has one, according to your other post.

 

But besides that, his "dossier" isn't very impressive so why are you so desperately trying to attach yourself to him?

 

That's why I'm thinking midlife crisis...

 

Please look up the definition of this.

 

Yes I made contact before he tried breaking it off, I actually called him out on treating me the way he was and that he never acts like that so what was going on? I didn't even think cheating at this point. To which he called the next day as I was literally walking into work.

 

Sorry, but unless you've left a whole lot out of your previous posts, I fail to see how/when "he tried breaking it off."

 

After that convo he texted me a pic of his dog with a cute caption and we just texted like normal and I just didn't bring it up again because I want to have a come-to-Jesus meeting when I get up there and straighten all of this out.

 

How old are you? Because you're coming across like a spoiled, immature, little brat.

 

Sorry, but it appears that nothing this guy does meets your standards or expectations. In that case, do both yourselves a favor and break it off, move on then spend some serious time working on yourself before getting into another relationship.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Miri_Rae]

Thank you JustwhoIam and thank TMichaels, this is exactly what I needed.

[justwhoiam]

I guess I don't want to over react if it's not anything, like if it his only cousin. But my gut says its not his cousin.

I don't get it. Were you scared you could have had a bad reaction on the phone with this unknown person should it be a she named Melanie, Amber or Kimberly? (Just to name a few...)

 

I didn't want to bring it up to him and cause a fight. I don't want to call the number and the person on the other line over react or tell him I called them.

Why would anyone overreact at a genuine question? I would figure it this way:

person X gets some random text, then calls the number the text came from and asks: Hi, I got a text from your number but I don't have it saved among my contacts... I was wondering if we know each other... what's your name? Who are you? Oh, you're Jessica? How old are you? Maybe you're friends with Y? Ok, thanks, I'm glad I could figure this out. Thanks!

See? As simple as that...

 

I want that face to face conversation so I know it's over, so I can say my peace and then goodbye.

You don't need all that to know it's over.

 

He's 29. No job, no family, no goals besides starting a family- he wants to be a dad. That's why I'm thinking midlife crisis...

Is he just out of school? If not, what's he been doing all these years? Is being out of work a temporary situation? Or a long-term arrangement in his life?

Also, dreaming of one's future as a bed of roses is a way to escape one's reality. Before thinking of forming a family and becoming a dad, he should work on having a stable financial situation. Or is he relying on inheritance and his mother giving him money when he needs to? I'm not sure if all that happened in his life got him stuck in his child role.

How are you stimulating him to grow up? By feeding his will to form a family? That'd be childish. Unless it's just done jokingly.

 

Yes I made contact before he tried breaking it off

You saw it coming... but that's just your own perception.

 

I actually called him out on treating me the way he was and that he never acts like that so what was going on? I didn't even think cheating at this point. To which he called the next day as I was literally walking into work.

And what did he say on the phone?

 

After that convo he texted me a pic of his dog with a cute caption and we just texted like normal and I just didn't bring it up again because I want to have a come-to-Jesus meeting when I get up there and straighten all of this out.

I see your point... but to me, that's a good way to ruin your time there that could be better spent, when you have all the time to clear things up NOW.

 

Honey, at 29 he's not having "a mid-life crisis." At 49, maybe.

Precisely so. I mean, Miri, you kept repeating that over and over... a midlife crisis at 29? It's more a case of I don't know what will be of me...

 

no doubt he's feeling stressed given all that's gone on in his life of which he for the most part has had control.

You meant 'has had no control'?

 

Nice he seems to fit into your game plan, but the fact this guy has been talking about marriage and kids when you only had been together three months *isn't* necessarily a positive thing. In fact, some would say it's a red flag.

I tend to agree with this.

 

I don't know what it is that hurt your feelings but the fact he didn't apologize after you made him aware of how you were feeling isn't a very good sign.

 

He's either a) Incredibly self-centered and preoccupied; b)Doesn't respect you; c) Is tired of you being so needy, demanding or repeatedly needing reassurance of his interest in you that he's had it with the "small tiffs" and/or need to apologize.

I couldn't have said all that any better.

 

So you got your apology (of sorts) or probably as close to one as you're going to get. Isn't that what you wanted?

If it comes after 3 days, no, that wouldn't be what I wanted. As I said, better late than ever... but this guy's sitting there with nothing to do ALL DAY LONG. Gee, I wouldn't expect him to be that slow. Red flag.

 

I don't get it. Haven't you ever gotten a random text? Is every one you get reason for calling out the hounds?

I'm not sure about what happened there. I assume he sent his picture to two numbers at once (technically an MMS), the other person selected something like reply to all and that message reached OP's number too, as it was one of the two numbers. At that point, yes, if my boyfriend is MMsing me or texting me and someone else simultaneously, I'd want to know who the other person is.

 

<rolling eyes/shrugging shoulders> What exactly is it you want him to do? Kiss the bottoms of your feet? He responded to your text. He told you he couldn't call you before you went to bed. If *he hadn't* responded at all, THEN you would have a right to complain.

Seriously? Why can't he? Was he at the movies? In that case he could say "I can't call right now. I can call in one hour/two hours." I mean doesn't he live on his own? What's he doing that he cannot call? Is he OTP with someone else for the whole night? Doesn't he feel like talking to me? Any of that would be bad.

 

unless you've left a whole lot out of your previous posts, I fail to see how/when "he tried breaking it off."

I guess she was seeing it coming with the "I'm not good for you" talk...

 

it appears that nothing this guy does meets your standards or expectations.

This guy is not doing anything, what's he doing exactly all day long? Besides going to the beach and taking his dog out for a walk? Is he into videogames? I'd be a little worried... Edited June 22, 2013 by justwhoiam

[Miri_Rae]

How are you stimulating him to grow up? By feeding his will to form a family? That'd be childish. Unless it's just done jokingly.

 

I don't know how to make him grow up. When he jokes about kids and gettin married I tell him my goals for us are to live together for a while before getting engaged and even then I won't say yes until he has a steady job. And kids are out of my plan until after I'm married so then he'll say something along the lines of "well let's get married" to which again I will reply that I won't marry him until he has a job.

 

I'd love it if someone has got any advice on what to do there..

[TMichaels]

You meant 'has had no control'?

 

Yep, that's what I meant, but couldn't go back and edit it as someone had already posted to the thread.

 

But you got it -- hopefully, others also/will, too.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

I don't know how to make him grow up.

 

Hello??? No one can make someone else do anything -- especially something like making them grow up.

 

You might want to think about the idea Miri_Rae, that the reason you two are having tiffs is the fact regardless whether if there's an age difference, you two are at two different stages in your lives and also want two different things.

 

When he jokes about kids and gettin married I tell him my goals for us are to live together for a while before getting engaged and even then I won't say yes until he has a steady job. And kids are out of my plan until after I'm married so then he'll say something along the lines of "well let's get married" to which again I will reply that I won't marry him until he has a job.

 

Operative word? "Jokes." If he was serious he'd quit the joking and be motivated to put the pieces into place. He's either too lazy or figures he doesn't need to. Either way, how he's acting and what he's saying (or not) is not you want to happen or hear.

 

I'd love it if someone has got any advice on what to do there..

 

Look elsewhere. Trite as it sounds, there's plenty of other fish in the sea.

 

But, on the other hand, you've only known this guy eight months and "been dating" for six. Often, things happen much more slowly in an LDR because of the infrequent in-person contact so in many ways, it's like you've only been dating this guy in RL for two or three month's time.

 

So given that, it might be wise to let up on the gas a bit and realize things most likely will develop at a slower pace than you like. I am NOT telling you to make excuses for his bad behavior -- but on the other hand, you may have to alter your expectations.

 

However, if I were you, I'd set some sort of deadline in your own mind -- maybe the first of next year.

 

And, if he takes no positive steps to put into place the kind of things you require and have told you are important to you (financial stability, engagement before marriage, married a couple of years before kids -- or whatever it is you want) then fold your cards and walk away.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

I don't know how to make him grow up. When he jokes about kids and gettin married I tell him my goals for us are to live together for a while before getting engaged and even then I won't say yes until he has a steady job. And kids are out of my plan until after I'm married so then he'll say something along the lines of "well let's get married" to which again I will reply that I won't marry him until he has a job.

 

I'd love it if someone has got any advice on what to do there..

What about all the other questions I asked? What does he do all day long? What would he like doing for a living? Is he going to interviews? Is he doing anything actively to pursue his dream of having a nice family?

 

How much do you think you know this guy? How much is missing from the puzzle in order for you to figure him out? You didn't answer TMichael's questions either. How much time have you spent with him in person?

 

Sorry but I doubt we can help you more without you disclosing more information.

[FitChick]

"He's 29. No job, no family, no goals besides starting a family- he wants to be a dad." Yep, sounds like a real catch! Don't let this one get away, honey. Of course, some women feel they don't deserve better and settle for someone like this. Look on the bright side. You will qualify for welfare when he knocks you up and abandons you and his kid.

When a man tells you that he isn't good for you, believe him!