feel like i was way too clingy - really ashamed and embarrassed

[my body is a cage]

hi everyone,

 

i just got back from living in new orleans for a couple of months on a work trip. i'm from the north, and new orleans was a total culture shock for me: really wild, lots of drinking, very southern, etc.

 

when i moved i quickly became involved with one of my new neighbors. at first he came on really strong - we hung out, eventually hooked up, and after that he would come knocking on my door every day as soon as i got home from work, or on my window if i was sleeping.

 

from the beginning i knew he had issues - although he had a steady job, he drank way too much, was very agressive, got into fights often, and had been to jail several times. regardless, i figured i was only there for a set amount of time so nothing could go TOO wrong, and most of the time we had a great time together and really connected. we were also very attracted to each other.

 

after a couple of weeks, i broke up with him because he was so erratic and we kept on getting into fights. he disappeared for a couple of days, and i found out he had gone to jail for getting into a fight. when he came back he was super sweet and insisted we got back together. i was wary, and wouldnt let him in the first day, and he slept on my porch. he promptly came back the next day and because i did like him and have feelings for him, i agreed to get back together.

 

anyway, things were fine for a while but i never felt fully secure because he had stated in the beginning that he didn't like relationships but he really liked me. also, sometimes when he was drunk he would be extremely critical and mean, and randomly get very angry and demand to leave.

 

i feel like i really got caught up in the situation, as he was my neighbor and my closest connection and i was alone in a new town. i would get really upset when he would randomly get angry and try to leave, and feel like he didnt like me anymore.

 

anyway, eventually he broke up with me and said i hadnt done anything wrong but that he has too many issues to be in a relationship. he said that i didnt do anything wrong and am gorgeous and how attracted he is to me, but he just had to be alone. i accepted this and we still hung out as friends, and every so often had sex when he would call me or show up at my door begging me to. other times i would want to have sex and he would deny me and say that he didnt want to give me the wrong idea. he even told me he loved me after we broke up.

 

anyway, a friend of his told me that he had said i was too clingy, and im worried this is the real reason he broke up with me and am super ashamed. im not usually a clingy person, but i feel like ilost my sense of self and all perspective when i was in new orleans, and that he sees me as a weak and pathetic person.

 

before and after we dated, we saw each other every single day, and spent almost all of our time together. im not sure if this was his fault or mine - he was my neighbor, and would always be sitting on his porch, but if i was at work etc he would call me and ask when i was getting off or if he was out he would call to ask to be picked up etc. sometimes he would be waiting for me to come home with laundry (bc his dryer was broken) or tell me he had been waiting for me to see what i wanted to do that night. one night i slept in my friends house and he even climbed into my house through my window and slept in my bed when i wasnt there (after he had broken up with me).

 

i feel like i came to expect to hang out with him all the time, maybe because i was lonely and he was my main connection down there. furthermore, we really enjoyed each others company. but at the same time, im worried that i was way too invested, and was clingy by getting upset when he would randomly leave in anger over something minute or randomly not want to sleep in my bed after we had sex.

 

also, i think by clingy he may have also meant i was too touchy feely - i love being affectionate with partners, and i know sometimes it can come off as excessive. he mentioned this to me and is generally a direct person - he saaid especially wehn im drunk i cling to him physically (which we were usually in new orleans - the drinking culture there is huge).

 

anyway, the relationship crashed and burned before i left - even though we had broken up, he had been sleeping over every night and we had been sleeping together occaisionaly. one day, this girl who had just gotten out of jail showed up. she wasnt really cute at all, and he made an issue of it saying "yes theres another girl on my porch" when i said hi after coming home after work. i tried to address it and we all went out together, but he was ignoring me and being awful - im embarrassed about this too, as he clearly wanted space but i just tagged along. anyway, they ended up sleeping together even though he was friends w her boyfriend. it was pretty apalling, and his roomates kicked him out of the house for having her over. he asked to borrow my computer to listen to music, and we got into a HUGE fight. i told him he was disgusting, used people, treated people like ****, etc. he said this is why he broke up with me bc he likes to **** around and cant be in a relationship. i told him he didnt deserve me and he agreed.

 

after a couple more days of screaming fights and arguments, he tried to come hang out on my porch. he was hogging my computer and the music as usual, and i got mad and walked away. he came over and tried to hug me and kiss me and said whats wrong darling and i ignored him and he said ****IN HELL YOURE GOING TO IGNORE ME? and stormed away. after that he asked for rides etc, which i declined.

 

when i got home he texted me asking if i got home safe and called me darling again. ive been home for two weeks now and he called me the other day and he was very kind and seemed very lucid - on his best behavior. i tried to tell him i felt as if i lost perspective and he said again it was nothing i had done wrong "truly" he just isnt ready to settle down. i said it was fine and i was sorry i was so mad at him because in retrospect, obviously he isnt ready to settle down - i just really didnt appreciate the way he treated me and strung me along. we agreed to keep in touch and to hang out again if we were in the same place and that there were no hard feelings etc. we talked for about 25 minutes and he called me darling again.

 

im hurt by the way our relationship unfolded, even though it was so temporary - i feel like i was frantic bc i knew our time was limited, and presented a really needy insecure version of myself that made him lose interest, even though he was so interested in the beginning. also, it bugs me that he said i did nothing wrong but told his friend i was too clingy - that makes me feel like he was being dishonest with me, and thinks i was really desperate and pathetic.

 

also, im really confused. was i clingy? i thought i was just matching his level of intensity, but then again , was he just using me? i miss the good parts of our relationship, maybe more so now that i talked to him again - im just worried that he thinks of me as really pathetic, and doesnt value me much as a person at all, and thats why he broke up with me.

[ForeverHopeful1]

This guy is a pathetic loser!!!!

 

So..... let me get this straight. YOU are too clingy??? Who slept on whose porch? Seriously, I'm very happy you're home. Time to find you again and time to get your dignity back.

 

You do sound like you made poor decisions while down there and your first was dating him. You were not too clingy. It is just what he told himself and others so he didn't look like the bad guy. Had he told his friend he dumped you because he wanted to sleep around with other females, it would have made him look bad so the loser tried to make you look bad instead.

 

Chin up! Require more during relationships and you will receive more. Don't answer his calls, messages or texts xoxoxo

[KatZee]

You're clingy and codependent in the fact you got together with someone despite red flags in your face, continued to stay with said person, and the continued to go back to this person despite how horrible and toxic he was for you.

[my body is a cage]

You were not too clingy. It is just what he told himself and others so he didn't look like the bad guy. Had he told his friend he dumped you because he wanted to sleep around with other females, it would have made him look bad so the loser tried to make you look bad instead.

 

 

Hi, thank you for your response. I agree, I'm really glad I'm back and will be able to distance myself.

 

Yeah, I mean our friend didn't really buy the clinginess thing, or rather said that some people wouldn't know affection if it hit them in the face. Still, it really bugged me that he said that behind my back, and said I did nothing wrong to my face when he's usually brutally honest. Why didn't he just tell me I was clingy if that was the problem? He told me he didn't want a relationshop - why would he tell his friend I was too clingy if he just didn't want a relationship and that was the issue? It makes me feel like I really WAS too clingy, but he didn't want to tell me that. It makes me feel like he does want a relationship, but didn't like me every much

 

Anyway, thanks for your advice, I hope you are right. I hope he doesnt actually think I was too clingy, but part of me believes that he does, sadly. This guy just did an emotional number on me, I feel like he valued me very little.