mtnbiker3000 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 So now that my self-esteem and self confidence have been crushed to the size of a pea, I am worried about getting back in 'the game'. It's not that I don't think I could get a date, have sex or even get into a new RS. I am confident I could do all of those things. What worries me is falling for someone only to have them take control and end up hurting me again, like my last RS I have only now really discovered how complicated and difficult a healthy, adult RS can be, and i'm not sure I am up for it. I'm not sure I have what it takes. It's almost like I don't want to fall for anyone at this moment. I just want to live behind my wall, where it's safe, but boring and lonely. But safe. I guess I am not healed/recovered very much at this point to be thinking this way. Anyone else feel like this?
Million.to.1 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Be single then. You will want to love and be loved again, do not fear. You will recover and you will be up for it, just not now, and that's totally fine. Just enjoy this time now to focus on being the best you, you can be. Being single is awesome. Focus on friendships, family and work, do some travel, whatever. You are free. There is no pressure what-so-ever to "have what it takes" for an adult relationship right now. This is up to 2 people that both want it, not you alone. relax, it'll be sweet. 3
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 I get what you guys are saying and logically, it makes perfect and complete sense. Emotionally, I just feel weak when I know such strength is needed. I am weary... Obviously, too soon for me to be thinking about a new RS or even dating seriously. Time to pump the breaks, I guess
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 I think you've answered your own question, for sure. Give it another month and see where you're at. Yeah, I think some more time is needed. Still working on my own crap right now anyway. Got to get that sorted out before bringing another human being into the mix, right?? I think the thing that is bothering me is that no matter what, you never know what someone else is truly thinking. Things can appear one way, but in actuality, be completely different. Just a hard thought to accept, especially when it is someone you trust so much...
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 True. I think the important thing is (and this is something I'm struggling with) - we can only be ourselves, and not take it personally if someone else does not like it. Those feelings will die down in time. You need to look after yourself for now. Agreed, but hard not to take these kind of things personally, because it is personal. It can be so complicated... Yes, working on me right now. And it's a big job 1
seahawker64 Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Man, I go over this everyday in my head. I really feel like at this point there is this giant invisible bubble around me. No one can get inside it. I don't want to be jaded not feel like I will ever let anyone close to me again. Right now though, there is just no way. I had a date the other night. Really nice girl but I found myself pulling way back and was much quieter than I normally am on a date. I'm sure she felt it too. The date went as well as it could of though but I am so emotionally detached from any of that stuff right now. It wasn't that I wanted to talk about my ex or was thinking about my ex, it was just, well s*** I dunno but something. I have to believe this is only temporary and even if it may last a lot longer than I want, I have to just let it take it's course and work on myself. It sucks. I need intimacy but I'm nowhere near where I need to be to have a good time at it. Stupid BU. And they say guy's are over it right away....bulls***!
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Yeah I hope it is temporary too. And almost over as well And, I say BS to the fact that guys don't feel it the same as, or less than women. If you had feelings for your SO, then you are in a world of shyte. Man, women, alien... doesn't matter. I think we are just expected to 'man up', which is total BS. This BU has rocked me to my core, and I don't care how that makes me look to others. It hurts and I feel it. All of it!!!
aloneinaz Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Yeah I hope it is temporary too. And almost over as well And, I say BS to the fact that guys don't feel it the same as, or less than women. If you had feelings for your SO, then you are in a world of shyte. Man, women, alien... doesn't matter. I think we are just expected to 'man up', which is total BS. This BU has rocked me to my core, and I don't care how that makes me look to others. It hurts and I feel it. All of it!!! As you mentioned MB, you need to continue to work on your self esteem and self confidence. You're trying to justify your position in not taking a step forward by RISKING a date or hanging with the opposite sex. As Metal Chick told you, you need to take baby steps to break the routine of thinking so much about your ex and move on to your next TERRIFIC relationship. Life is full of tremendous risks. We could get hit by a car or drop dead of a heart attack. Risking opening yourself up to rejection is what EVERYONE goes through after a failed relationship, whether you were the dumpee or dumper. You have to accept that risk. I've often thought of dating to be like making sales calls. You have to make lots of calls and get lots of no's to get that one good date. Rejection is also part of life as well and we have to accept it and not take it so personally. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago. It was the 3rd or 4th time she did this when she was stressed and angry about her life. She broke up with me because I told her I didn't like how she continued to talk poorly to me. I got her back the other previous times but now she can drop dead. I don't fee rejected by her. I know she's has a hell of a lot of issues that make her an emotional bully. She'll NEVER hear from me again. She'll also realize she lost a great guy who continued to work w/her through all her divorce drama, emotional issues etc. At two weeks post break up, I started dating online. Am I over my ex 100%, of course not but I know that relationship is dead. I got lots of emails from women and sent lots as well. I started emailing and texting with some of these woman. You know what, there's almost NO risk in this. What's the worse that can happen? You send an email to a girl and don't get a reply? Big deal, move on to the other thousands on the site. I've gone out w/4 diff women. I connected with two and have seen one three times now. It's helped me tremendously to realize what a toxic relationship I had w/my ex. She was such an angry, miserable person and I've been wondering what was wrong with my self esteem that I didn't tell her to f-off months ago. But I'm learning. My rambling point MB is take some risk in your recovery. Take some baby steps to start casually talking with some women again. I think you'll find you'll like the attention, flirting, texting, etc. Don't take this all so seriously. Have fun! Life's too short. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Its been quite some time, if you want it, then try to force yourself to get back on the horse, bro... I think that its great to "work on yourself" and find the inner "you".. But you will find that getting out there and mixing it up with the other half will do WORLDS for your self esteem...Just think about this..How good are you going to feel about yourself if you happen to meet someone that blows your ex out of the water and is crazy about you..No amount of therapy or self help will ever boost you as much as that.. I look at dating as kind of like having a pet Rattlesnake..Its cool and fun, but you always have to watch out to not get bit! Get in the game..its working for me! TFY
UVict Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I'll agree, small steps. I don't know if I can see myself dating just yet. But I'm working on improving myself and keeping busy to keep my mind of my ex. This week was great and I feel better for it. You don't have to go on dates straight away, just meeting and hanging out with people is a real boost. I mustered up the courage to talk to a girl I know form uni outside of uni. We caught up for lunch, and ended up spending the afternoon together. Neither of us would call it a date, just a catch up since it has been 6 months since we last saw each other. I probably wrote off any chance of a relationship by talking about my ex (she notied I had a lot going on and asked, then I kinda kept going on about it) but she realized my situation and said it was ok to vent, but next time we hang out it will be fun. We are catching up tomorrow and heading to the local pub later in the week. This one afternoon did wonders for me. It's really helped put my ex in the past. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship just yet. I think I'm going to enjoy time to myself, do what I want and make myself happy, because I don't place my happiness in the hands of others.
theonlyjuan Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Just meet new people. You can swap numbers, hang out etc. You don't have to go on a date unless you feel like you can.
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Yes, I know all of the advice on here is correct. Hell, I've been on here long enough. Guess I was just looking for someone to tell me what I wanted to hear. But, again, I know the score, just crying about it for a minute. Funny thing is, I have been 'out there'. Chatted with several woman as long as 2.5 months ago. But I knew then that was way to early. Did it anyway... Joined an OLD about a month ago and have chatted with at least 4 or 5 others. Even drove 2 hours last weekend to hang with a girl in Sac. Had a great time and stayed the night. Nothing happened, it was just too far to drive back after drinking. My point? I dunno... I have been taking small steps and it does help. I think I am just looking way too far ahead as some of you mentioned. Need to focus on now a little more. And, yes, there is risk. There will always be risk.
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