BrokenHeartedInNY Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Hello, I’m hoping you all can lend me some positive advice. I have unfortunately and very sadly decided to end my engagement with my fiancé. We have been together for three years now and got engaged in December. We have quite a nice chunk of money put down for our deposits (to the tune of 6k). I have come to this decision after two months of constant, non stop arguing, betrayal, heartache and never ending disappointment. I truly always felt that whatever life threw us we could handle. We had a massive falling out at the end of April and both agreed to put 100% in making things better… unfortunately they never got better and I guess we all wait for our significant other to have this “Ah-ha” moment and get their act together. Well, I guess instead I’ve had that moment. As sad and depressed as I am, we haven’t seen each other in a week, I have done a lot of sole searching and realized that I need so much more from this relationship. I need to feel unconditionally loved, cherished and know that the person I’m marrying feels the same way. I need effort. I need actions to back up words. I need to feel like I’m on a two way street, instead of one way. I feel I should never have to question that. I have begged and begged him to put action behind is fluffy words. I proved my point this week that if I don’t make the effort to see him, we don’t see each other. I just can’t live like this and I certainly consciously can’t say “I do” feeling like I live with disappointment waiting for him to make an effort. Today, after a very angry argument (through text no less), I told him this was finally it. I became heartfelt and told him I’ve finally realized we are two good people who love each other without question but we are just not two good people together. I told him I intended to go no contact. I truthfully don’t think he believes me because for two months now I’m always “threatening” to leave… but never do. He of course will text me everyday, and beg and plead and SAY he will make things better and that he will always love me and that we are meant to be together. My hardest issue with leaving is that he will always contact me. I can’t change my number because it’s also my business number. I guess I just need some validation in my decision. My biggest fear I guess you could say is giving up too early. I made a commitment to this man, knowing he was the way he was… I made a promise and I find it so difficult to leave knowing I’m the one that agreed to marriage. However, looking back on the issues that I have, they have always been there, I just think I chose to ignore them because I’m at the age where getting married and starting a family is what I want so bad. I guess now I’m just starting to view them more because we are suppose to be getting married and it really makes you look at things more closely. I can tell already this is a big ol’ jumbled message and I certainly apologize, I’m usually a very fluent writer, however I guess with the circumstances my emotions are all over the place. Thank you for your kind advice in advance.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Hello, I’m hoping you all can lend me some positive advice. I have unfortunately and very sadly decided to end my engagement with my fiancé. We have been together for three years now and got engaged in December. We have quite a nice chunk of money put down for our deposits (to the tune of 6k). I have come to this decision after two months of constant, non stop arguing, betrayal, heartache and never ending disappointment. I truly always felt that whatever life threw us we could handle. We had a massive falling out at the end of April and both agreed to put 100% in making things better… unfortunately they never got better and I guess we all wait for our significant other to have this “Ah-ha” moment and get their act together. Well, I guess instead I’ve had that moment. As sad and depressed as I am, we haven’t seen each other in a week, I have done a lot of sole searching and realized that I need so much more from this relationship. I need to feel unconditionally loved, cherished and know that the person I’m marrying feels the same way. I need effort. I need actions to back up words. I need to feel like I’m on a two way street, instead of one way. I feel I should never have to question that. I have begged and begged him to put action behind is fluffy words. I proved my point this week that if I don’t make the effort to see him, we don’t see each other. I just can’t live like this and I certainly consciously can’t say “I do” feeling like I live with disappointment waiting for him to make an effort. Today, after a very angry argument (through text no less), I told him this was finally it. I became heartfelt and told him I’ve finally realized we are two good people who love each other without question but we are just not two good people together. I told him I intended to go no contact. I truthfully don’t think he believes me because for two months now I’m always “threatening” to leave… but never do. He of course will text me everyday, and beg and plead and SAY he will make things better and that he will always love me and that we are meant to be together. My hardest issue with leaving is that he will always contact me. I can’t change my number because it’s also my business number. I guess I just need some validation in my decision. My biggest fear I guess you could say is giving up too early. I made a commitment to this man, knowing he was the way he was… I made a promise and I find it so difficult to leave knowing I’m the one that agreed to marriage. However, looking back on the issues that I have, they have always been there, I just think I chose to ignore them because I’m at the age where getting married and starting a family is what I want so bad. I guess now I’m just starting to view them more because we are suppose to be getting married and it really makes you look at things more closely. I can tell already this is a big ol’ jumbled message and I certainly apologize, I’m usually a very fluent writer, however I guess with the circumstances my emotions are all over the place. Thank you for your kind advice in advance. I wouldn't condemn you for considering calling off the engagement. It's better for you to address any issues there are now, before taking your relationship to the next step. My question is, how much time has passed since you first decided he needed to put more effort? Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say; it make take him awhile to be more on board with working out the kinks in your relationship. But ultimately, the decision is yours. You could always take a probation period approach to this. Don't necessarily go into full no contact, but take time apart; take a break from the relationship, and see if things start to improve, once he has some space and clarity. The break can also greatly benefit you, so that you can do some further soul-searching on what it means to be happy, and what you're willing to put up with in your relationship, what's not acceptable, and what you both need to work on as individuals. I hope my answer made sense. I feel like I'm rambling. Anyway, best of luck, and keep us posted.
aloneinaz Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 That's not a good sign that you're seeing glaring compatibility issues prior to marriage. I had the same issues with my ex wife before marrying her and the same issues carried on into the marriage. Im divorced now. The above poster had some good thoughts as well. Take a 30 day break to really think about the relationship and if it could work long term. You could also consider couple therapy but that's not a good compatibility sign that you're having to do that before marriage. It's good that you're trying to figure this out BEFORE marriage, kids, etc. Too many of us didnt do what you're doing and PAID FOR IT afterwards.
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