Harman Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I'm married for 12 years and it started something like this. Met my wife dated for a year, than she had to move back to the country where she grow up with her family. We continued dating long distance but she managed to cheat I had an option to accept it forgive and move on or go separate ways. I forgave and we continued dating and getting married year later with her moving back to the place we met, and knowing that I would never move to that country where she grew up and cheated on me. First years of marriage were good all until 8th year when she didn't want to live here anymore and wanted to move to her home country or possibly different state. We moved to different state but soon I got into deep depression and wanted to go back. One person why I moved didn't seem to understand my depression and didn't have many words of courage or support but rather grow up and stop acting like a victim. But she did manage to daily discuss our problems with her mom, which added fuel to the fire in my book. I never discussed my marriage with anyone I kept it between me and her. On several ocassions we visited her mom in wife's home country and we managed to get in fights, I mean me against them. I was called names and other things. Unfortunately my wife was just sitting and letting her mom attack me with words and accusations about being bad husband. I just know I would of never let my parents attack my wife like that or complain about her to my family. The best part of all the fights I think was when I just told her mom , do you think when you daughter gets mad and hits me is ok? Her mom response was, I'm sure you deserved it. Thank god I didn't deserve to get shot yet. Soon after we actually moved back to the state where it all started my wife didn't like it much and her mom made sure to tell her daughter she hated that idea. Almost a year later my wife decided that she is moving back to country where she grew up with me or without me. I actually thought well I will move because she is not all that bad and wanted to save my marriage. BUT BUT but since she moved she keeps hurting me and doesn't seem to care, in her words I'm acting childlish. Some of the things she did was establishing bank accounts without any discussion with me or possible putting my name on those accounts She wanted me to move in her home country but 2 months after she moved I asked her to find us appartment she said no because she just started a new job and needs to see how is new job going to work out, (we do have money to buy apartment so money wasn't an issue but I guess it was her selfish decision. Around new year or 2 months after she left I wanted to come visit her she was thinking and thinking and said no because i'm mean and I hurt her with my words because, yes I was screaming because I didn't get the point of her deciding she doesn't want to get us apartment or even discussed it with me but just decided that I need to wait 2 more months. Even better is that she opened a bank account in the same bank her mom has account, and since my wife was her mom beneficiary they had a record of her with her maiden and last name. Soon after credit cards and cell phone bills are with both names, because supposedly only IDs she has are on both names. That really hurt me because she always had my last name in the country we lived and never complained about it. when I complained about her having 2 last names she said its important to her and that she has maiden name because it means something to her and no way in hell she is changing it.(Again take it or leave it , accept her 2 names or just divorce). I don't understnad if it is importnat to her Why didn't she ask for that when she was gettting married rather than 12 years later doing it on her own, supposedly unintentionally. Besides that she got her self a new family cell phone plan and you can guess who is 2nd person on that family plan, her mom. All in the name of saving money, and I'm idiot if I have problem, but on the other hand I never added any of my parents to my and her old family plan. I knew it would maybe saves us some money but I never did that kind a thing I thought it was wrong. Some of her other accomplishments are : ignoring me any day she want's because I get pissed w her actions and complain, and she goes on for a week without even talking to me. In her home country she moved in with her mother and brother and her brother soon after moved out telling me he can't stand them anymore. Her brother doesn't have good relationship w her and her mom just like I don't and for same reason they get together and they are always right and me or her brother are mean and bad people. (not to mention my wifes dad killed himself 20 years ago, and i don't know the details actually why, but I'm sorry i'm saying this but I can just feel he didn't have good life with his wife). Its been 6 months since she moved and I actually went to see her once when her mom was on vacation, and that visit ended bad because her constant repating "take it or leave it I don't care I'm not changing and I'm doing whatever I want, I suffered enough in the old place we lived") (seems like some kind a revange without cause to me). So she does whatever she wants and I should just take it. She actually wants to find us an appartment now and for me to move there, but it seems I can't have any problems with whatever she does. So here I am don't know if I should move to this brand new country and leave my parents behind and country where I spent half of my life because my wife didn't like it anymore or should I just call it the end and divorcing her. I do love her and I always loved her but I'm close to cutting her off from my life (very hard for me but maybe smartest). And yes I should mention that I don't have kids or house because my wife didn't want in the old country where we lived for 11 years. I would love to hear your opinion on my situation whatever it is.
lovemaynotbeenough Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Well...it sounds like she is very upset. You need to find out exactly why. Did she express that she hated living so far from her family all those years you lived together and you never took it seriously? I dont think you can start working on things until you know what the problem is. Sounds like you dont think too highly of her mother. Other than her mother taking her side why is that. I think it is very important to try to get along with your spouses family and even if you cant you should try your hardest to respect them.
Author Harman Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Well...it sounds like she is very upset. You need to find out exactly why. Did she express that she hated living so far from her family all those years you lived together and you never took it seriously? I dont think you can start working on things until you know what the problem is. Sounds like you dont think too highly of her mother. Other than her mother taking her side why is that. I think it is very important to try to get along with your spouses family and even if you cant you should try your hardest to respect them. Well she expressed that the main reason why she didn't like living where we lived most of the time was weather. But I honestly think that her mother was main reason, i feel like my wife thinks she let her mom down by not living close to her, and her mother always talked about how our life would be much better if we live in her country. As much as you think I didn't get along with her mother I don't know my biggest accomplishment in all this years was to take her mother screaming into my face like a wild animal night after my brother wedding party when my wife went to sleep. I took a lot from her mother that night calling me names of all kind and telling me that if her daughter ever ended up in wheelchair I woud never take care of her. Which is quiet opposite of my belief because I love my wife and I even got over her cheating and always tried to overcompensate because she is not living in the country she grow up in. (I didn't grow up in this country either.). I think every man and women would say enough is enough and kick that mother in law out of their house I DIDN'T. Not to mention that we started to have more serious problems after her mother retired and had more time to spend on her daughter and this marriage. I was willing for her mom to move in with us to make my wife happy, but unfortunately nobody accepted that offer because her mom hates this country calling it all kind a names. (her mom lives in Canada and that's where my wife grow up, and we lived in US, Is US realy that horrbile country and Canada is that great I don't know). I also think its important to say that few years ago she took off on 2 week vacation with her mom and letting me know after they already booked the vacation, when I asked you couldn't even tell me or talk to me about it, she said who do you think you are that I have to get pesrmission from you. And as much as I want to think I'm a really mean and bad guy her own brother disaporves a lot what my wife and their mom do. He even told me " my mom is lonely and instead of trying to be a part of his or my wifes family she is trying to create her own family" . I just don't even know what to say to that kind a statement from her brother, it really makes me wonder who is crazy in all this.
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