Anyone else think romantic love is an illusion?

[MrRightNow]

I've become rather jaded since my last LTR ended about a year ago. The break-up was mutual, but it was still a painful and emotionally draining experience. It takes a lot out of a person when someone you love so much slowly turns into an enemy, all the love replaced with resentment and bitterness.

 

Based on the experiences of most people I know, as well as my own, I've concluded that romantic love is largely an illusion. It seems like no matter how amazing things are in the beginning of a relationship, the love fades and the passion dies. Very few people are willing to stick by someone through hard times (financial problems, mental health issues etc). I think part of this has to do with the fact that many people expect someone else to complete them, instead of finding emotional fulfillment through personal development. People like this become hostile and bitter when the honeymoon stage ends or when problems arise. This applies to men and women equally.

 

It just seems like people use each other to satisfy their emotional and physical needs, and once they feel those needs aren't being met to their satisfaction, they look elsewhere. This is what makes romantic love different from the type of unconditional love that exists between parents and children.

 

This is why I'll never get married. I don't want to sacrifice my freedom and independence for woman when there's a pretty good chance the relationship will fall apart once she realizes that real life is very different from fairy tales or romantic comedies.

 

So what do guys think, am I too jaded and pessimistic? Do you believe romantic love can last forever in this day and age?

[Mr.Mango]

That's a tough one man.

 

I think you're close in your analysis. Most successful long lasting relationships aren't usually built on the funner aspects like: comfort, lust or emotional fulfillment. People that enjoy a long relationship need to work at it, it's closer to cultivating a garden than it is completing a puzzle. Since a relationship will always be a two way street means both parties need to realize, accept and go through with that.

 

The illusion I think a lot of people have is that romantic love is something you simply stumble upon. That's it's all a matter of finding the right person, and until then it's just a search. Romantic love exists, it's just not what most people think of when they say those words. You don't find it, you build it. The problem is that a lot of people don't understand that there isn't a Mr/Mrs perfect, only someone who is as willing as you to work to make a relationship work. Believe me when I say that a lot of people are never truly happy over a long period of time with their love choices. That's why you see so many divorces and young people who can't commit. Some will marry and simply settle, because they are tired of the search. There is no completion, you can only hope to balance your partner out, in the good and the bad. I suppose a lot of people feel they should be 100% positive in their relationship and it should all come without effort, now that's an illusion.

 

The most important thing I've learned is that you must have balance. It's near impossible to simply find someone who forms a nice balance with you, hence the work involved in a relationship.

 

I don't think you're jaded, you're just experiencing the number one problem with relationships. I hope you find someone who can be realistic about relationships with you.

[smokey bear]

I believe its still possible, I was as much in love with my ex at day one as I was 9 years later, we were still very much in love, the recent ex? nope, it didn't last, it does in me, not in him, I believe it depends on the person, me personally I want a life full of it and im happy to go above and beyond with the cheesy stuff and flattery etc for life to keep that magic going, you just have to find someone that doesn't get complacent I find, good luck, its a hard one but I love the romantic love, keep looking and don't give up xx

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

You answered your own question.

 

True love is possible. I've achieved it. Its out there. You just can't give up just because of a bad experience.

[MrRightNow]

Believe me when I say that a lot of people are never truly happy over a long period of time with their love choices.

 

This is true and has effected my outlook on things. Most of the people I know who've been with their SO for many years aren't genuinely happy. They stay in their relationships for convenience, for the kids, or out of fear of being alone. The majority of relationships don't even last more than a couple of years.

[soccerrprp]

Anyone else think romantic love is an illusion?

 

For me, hell no! I've had it and WILL have it again...

[Ripnet]

 

Chapter One: The Illusion of Romantic Love

 

In fact, romance can be a healthy catalyst, a bridge into the challenge of marriage. However, romance is transitory; alone it cannot sustain a relationship. Here is what Sam Keen, in Fire in the Belly, says about romance:

 

If you consider marriage a lifelong romance, you are certain to be disillusioned. The shallowest of complaints is that marriage destroys romance. Of course it does. Marriage is designed to allow two people to fall out of love and into reality.

 

True love is built on intimacy. Intimacy's real passion is only achieved by combining the five necessary elements for a mature relationship: friendship, compatibility, affection, commitment and sensuality. The key to true passion is not illusory romance, but intimacy. One of the goals of what we will call intentional love is to achieve this intimacy which, in turn, will ignite the passion sought and lost in the first stage of relationshipsÑthe romantic stage. When you and your partner accept that romance is only the beginning, you can achieve profound intimacy - true love' s reward.

 

Chapter One: The Illusion of Romantic Love

 

 

 

I agree with the other posters stating a relationship takes work. Most people expect things to fit nicely into place but that's not realistic.

[Woggle]

Not an illusion but very rare. The majority of couples getting married today will hate each other in a few years.

[MrRightNow]

The majority of couples getting married today will hate each other in a few years.

 

Sad but true

[KungFuJoe]

Not an illusion but very rare. The majority of couples getting married today will hate each other in a few years.

 

You certainly have a bad attitude for someone who is supposedly in a happy marriage.

[Woggle]

You certainly have a bad attitude for someone who is supposedly in a happy marriage.

 

I am of the rare lucky ones.

[KungFuJoe]

I am of the rare lucky ones.

 

It's not that rare. Lots of happy couples out there. There are varying levels of happiness of course but not everyone is miserable and hating each other.

[KungFuJoe]

Sad but true

 

See, this is why I sometimes think people who are in a "bad place" should stay away from these type of sites. You got people talking about how happiness IS attainable and the ONE post you like is the guy that says most people end up hating each other (which is so NOT true).

 

You're in a depressed state and you're not looking for advice right now...you're looking for people to join you in your sorrow.

 

ONE experience does not make a lifetime. The only thing that can help you now is time, to be perfectly honest.

[BluEyeL]

Not an illusion but very rare. The majority of couples getting married today will hate each other in a few years.

 

Well, I've been with my ex husband for 21 years (dating, marriage and beyond) and we never hated each other. He never hated me, and I never hated him. We just met and married too young and at some point had other goals in life, but it was a good run overall. It doesn't need to be forever or end in hate, there is a middle ground.

[ltjg45]

I'm sure romantic love is not an illusion.

 

I just have no faith that I will actually find it.

 

I'm willing to accept that.

[thecrucible]

I'm sure I know exactly what you are getting at. I've had some pretty painful break-ups in the past, and I did wonder what love really meant to me. Another question which crossed my mind was, "Can a person ever really know someone?". I did feel that to some extent love is delusion, because of the fact that you are assuming faith with a person, and putting them on some kind of pedestal in order to fall in love in the first place (At least it was like that for me). Well what I realised was that I felt jaded because I wasn't being true to myself, and that I was falling in love with a man's potential rather than who he was. I felt disillusioned because I fell for those men quickly, and far too deeply considering how little I knew about them in the beginning.

 

I used to approach love the entirely wrong way. I don't look for a man to complete me or give me something that I can't give to myself now. To me that is coming from the wrong direction, going into a relationship with an agenda of what you can get out of it, rather than it being about wanting to spend time with that person and enjoying their company.

 

I think when you really love someone you will stick by them through problems, as long as you both care about resolving them. But I think I do have my limits and would drop a man who didn't put enough work in. It is hard though. I do want to get married one day and I don't have a fantasy about it. I know I will have to be a strong person and weather some storms. Thus, I don't believe that how you think about this is particularly negative. Maybe you have moved past that youthful longing, of being 'in love with love'. I know I have and I think this is why I became a bit jaded but I am more positive now because I think that was a turning point. Maybe it is the start of some kind of personal growth for you.

 

The initially intense phase of a relationship obviously does not last. But I don't think that in successful couplings, it fades to nothing. I think it fades to a comfort level but when you are secure in your feelings, you will not think to look elsewhere even if you know that you are sacrificing some level of independence. It will be a deeper love because you know each other better, maybe not a spark anymore, but some kind of smolder.

 

That is my take anyway.

 

 

when there's a pretty good chance the relationship will fall apart once she realizes that real life is very different from fairy tales or romantic comedies.

 

It sounds like the women you have dated in the past have been like that. If you look in the right places, you will find women with a more mature perspective on this. I certainly don't have fairy tale fantasies about love because I have been in long term relationships and experienced the challenges. If you work together to get through a challenge, you'll become a stronger unit. But if you don't work through something successfully, that's when it unravels.

[thecrucible]

Further to my post, I did actually date a guy who took me for granted a lot. I had much lower self-esteem after we broke up. Basically he was one of those guys with an idealistic vision of love. It's like he loved the idea of being in a relationship but didn't make any effort with me. If I aired a difference of opinion, he'd go off-balance 'cause basically it didn't fit his relationship notions. Perfect example of an experienced guy not knowing what's actually involved. There was a period of time where he didn't take me out for several months or have sex with me. I aired my grievances but he thought that if he forgot about me for that time, I'd come right back to him when he suddenly put focus back in. By that point it was too late. I had lost all respect for him.

 

Just wanted to share an experience. This is why I'm so iffy about the concept of the 'one'. I would cringe if I heard a man wax lyrical about it. When people are too idealistic about love, 'in love with love', you don't even feel like they love you, you feel like they could love anyone in your shoes, like some kind of cardboard-cut-out woman.

[shexy]

I'm starting to get to the same place - I'm feeling really cynical and jaded about the whole true romatic love thing. I have some good friends in wonderful relationships, complete with romance and love and friendship.....I'm just convinced I'm never going to be so lucky to find what they have.

 

I've been married once, and don't want to do that again. I'm 42 and single again, and I feel like there's something I HAVE to be doing wrong in relationships.

 

People keep telling me - OH, you just haven't met Mr. Wonderful Perfect yet, but I'm having a really hard time believing that right now. BUT, I just got out of a relationship that really disappointed me, so I guess I'm just not in a real positive place right now.

[todreaminblue]

romance doesn't lie in butterflies and pipe dreams of what you expect a person to be or even become...comes with acceptance understanding and a good heart...it is when they have mental health issues.........disability, life altering illness the romance lies in whatever happens you dont walk away......you keep at it .......i found this on you tube the other day ill post it below....

 

 

 

 

i stand behind my post of romance can survive .....if you believe it will...it cant survive on its own...it needs to be nurtured and appreciated.....and that is completely up to the individual..........the youtube message highlights why i believe romance will never die..enduring love is romantic.....endurance is key...cheers..

 

 

 

 

 

..deb

[MrRightNow]

You're in a depressed state and you're not looking for advice right now...you're looking for people to join you in your sorrow.

 

ONE experience does not make a lifetime. The only thing that can help you now is time, to be perfectly honest.

 

I'm not depressed at all, just cynical and pessimistic when it comes to marriage and serious relationships. My outlook isn't based on my experience alone. It's also based the experiences of many people I know, including friends and members of my family.

[c57dood]

It isn't necessarily an illusion any more than this entire world is. Human beings have appetites, and though these appetites can be satisfied, they are never permanently fulfilled.

 

Love is an intoxicating effect whereby the continuity of the species is assured. Much like the effects of a drug, it is short lived and produces an altered perception of reality. Just like when we eat a great meal, we are satisfied. Come next day, however, we once again have hunger for more food. The same goes for sex and emotional intimacy.

 

A lion who is well fed and has his needs met will be less likely to attack you. A lion who is hungry, well, you will probably be his next meal. When in love we are satisfied, but soon this satisfaction gives way to hunger once again. We get bored with our companion; we seek out new companions so that we can again experience this "high".

 

It is for this reason that you should not be jealous of two people in love any more than you would be jealous of a person high on heroin. Once the high wears off, the person will experience acute withdrawal depending on how long or how deeply involved they were.

[todreaminblue]

I'm not depressed at all, just cynical and pessimistic when it comes to marriage and serious relationships. My outlook isn't based on my experience alone. It's also based the experiences of many people I know, including friends and members of my family.

 

 

do you judge yourself on others experiences?????.......do you judge others based on the experiences of the people around them...the only person you can judge ...is you and how you treat others, how you feel about romance....and if you want to believe somewhere out there there is someone who feels the same way you do..........

 

 

 

if someone has done the wrong by you, doesnt mean that you will do the wrong thing back to others..or that everyone is going to do wrong by you or because people you know have broken up or split from each other that is the end of romance..as i guess a form of revenge and protection you close yourself off from the idea of romance..........doesnt do you any favors in the long run........i wish you the best in life love and happiness by just allowing yoruself to feel what you want to feel...no one can convince you however, romance is alive and kicking if you choose not to see it..........deb

[MrRightNow]

A lion who is well fed and has his needs met will be less likely to attack you. A lion who is hungry, well, you will probably be his next meal. When in love we are satisfied, but soon this satisfaction gives way to hunger once again. We get bored with our companion; we seek out new companions so that we can again experience this "high"

 

Interesting analogy. I think you're onto something here.

[Xinreeki]

Neurologically speaking you could just as easily say that EVERY emotion is an illusion...

 

So romantic love is no more, or no less, an illusion than any of the other emotions people experience in life.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I have no interest in getting married or really even dating because I dont think men are wired to be able to be satisfied with one woman for a long period of time. Many will be great in the beginning but our society dictates its more okay for men to be selfish than women so that combined with my first statement is why I feel the way I do. I am honestly much happier being single but most people around me cannot handle that sort of independence. I have a very active social life though. If I was completely alone I might feel different.

 

Hahaha what?

 

What society are you living in? I live in western society. It's actually the opposite of what you say here.