Woggle Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 The other day we were in a Dairy Queen restaurant and there was a clown entertaining some children and I made a joke about him being a future John Wayne Gacy which made her angry. She asked me why I have to be so cynical and negative towards everybody. Am I really that bad? It wasn't a big blow up but do I need to have a brighter view?
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 You just posted that you are getting to where you hate everyone. I mean, who wants to be around somebody like that? It is VERY draining to be around someone who takes the negative POV in every situation. I think the takeaway here is that it is a good thing to acknowledge the beauty and wonder in the world. Especially around your wife. Becoming filled with hate and cynicism will be VERY bad for your marriage. 7
carhill Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 IMO, you chose well and will learn a lot from her in your lifetime. Hang in there. Rome wasn't built in a day. 1
CarrieT Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 do I need to have a brighter view? Woggle, negativity begets more negativity... The more you perpetuate thoughts like the one you expressed to your wife, the more those types of thoughts become ingrained in your own psyche. Even pretending to be happy-go-lucky and smiling (even when you don't feel like it) will eventually cause your inner self to feel happier because you are exercising face muscles that create a smile. If you are constantly expressing negative ideas and beliefs, your wife is going to not want to be around you -- nor is anyone else... 3
carhill Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Remember how things were after Sandy? Find that place... 2
Author Woggle Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 How can I have a positive view of things when so many people are just awful? I think I just see things for how they really are.
johan Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 How can I have a positive view of things when so many people are just awful? I think I just see things for how they really are. Then you should see the good things, too. 7
CarrieT Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 What happened to this Woggle that found 26 moment that restored one's faith in humanity? Or this Woggle that realized he used to rant about gender wars? Or this Woggle who said, "It (Sandy) makes all this gender war, and ageist and nice guy vs bad boy crap that we go on and on and on about just seem pointless and trivial." 1
Author Woggle Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 What happened to this Woggle that found 26 moment that restored one's faith in humanity? Or this Woggle that realized he used to rant about gender wars? Or this Woggle who said, "It (Sandy) makes all this gender war, and ageist and nice guy vs bad boy crap that we go on and on and on about just seem pointless and trivial." I am not on the genders wars stuff though. I just don't have faith in people in general. Just look at the news. If you are an alien and watched the news to learn about humans what would you think? The John Wayne Gacy thing was just a joke anyway.
xxoo Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Everything doesn't need to be so black and white. You can have a bad day, and it doesn't mean you are too cynical. You can see bad stuff on the news, and it doesn't mean everyone is terrible. This is a moment to step back and say, "Yeah, I guess I've been a little down lately. Thanks for pointing it out. I'm going to look for the brighter sides."
CarrieT Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Just look at the news. If you are an alien and watched the news to learn about humans what would you think? Woggle, the news has not changed. How it is being reported is, but the bad stuff has always been there - you are simply focusing on it. How about the good stuff in the news? Do you read that? How about these stories: A guy with a metal detector has returned over 30 rings. Baby ducks saved from a storm drain. An 8-year old sells Kool-Aid to pay for his grandmother's funeral. A falling toddler is saved by delivery men.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 How can I have a positive view of things when so many people are just awful? I think I just see things for how they really are. I really want you think about this Woggle. You seem to focus more on people around you that you DO NOT KNOW and the rest of the world rather than those who are in your life, those who you know. Why? You're choosing this on some level and over time it's become second nature to you. Use your CBT skills to repel against it and focus on people IN your life. Next time you see something happening that bothers you or overhear something you don't like, tell yourself "boy am I ever blessed to have such a wonderful wife and great friends. I have my health, my house, money..No reason to complain." Just be happy and be in the moment! Shi.t happens that's out of our control! It's up to you to handle it better. Hey, my mom has cancer, just had major surgery. I'm crossing my fingers and saying prayers that treatment isn't necessary and they got it all during surgery. One of my cousins passed away suddenly. Shocking to say the least and heartbreaking as well. But, life goes on and I try every day to focus on the good in my life, focus on how supportive everybody is, how blessed I am. I could focus on the bad stuff, roll over and cry all day, or be in a crappy bad mood and complain. The choice is there! Make the right one Woggle. LIFE is short, don't waste on such negative thoughts. 1
quankanne Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 here's the short end of the story, Woggle: When you do your best to look at life in a balanced manner, constant negativity (or the flipside, being stuck with someone who is perpetually chipper) eats away at what balance you try to achieve. And that (especially negativity) can kill a relationship. Who wants to be with a constant buzzkill? Who wants to have to be with someone who can't be out in public without saying some jackhole thing or another because he or she thinks it's clever? it gets old, it steals something from your soul and it impacts the relationship you have with this person because you realize they're never going to change. And then it becomes a question of whether you really want to spend that much time with someone that you've realized doesn't bring to the relationship that you initially felt they did (I'm talking in terms of friendship, mind you – marriage is tougher because there's love involved, but negativity can wear it down just the same). I guess it boils down to this: Are your comments genuinely funny and timed to when she's receptive to hearing them, or are you expecting carte blanche approval for your cleverness because she loves you? Because sometimes, enough is enough, and a wife begins to feel more like a mom keeping her kid in line for unnecessary behavior than she does a spouse. Been there, done that, and the feeling isn't a nice one
Author Woggle Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 I am sure she doesn't feel like a mom. I guess because she herself was actually laughing at the clown she was sort of bothered that I made a joke about somebody who murdered children.
Citizen Erased Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Clowns are creepy as hell so yeah, I get the joke. 1
Author Woggle Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 It was nothing sinister. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the brightest view of the world while she tends to see the best in people. She comes from a family of hippies who are genuine in wanting to make the world a better place and have't sold out while I was raised in hell. We have a great marriage and get along great but those two very different upbringings will sometimes clash. I sometimes envy her for how she can see best in people and the world because I tend to second guess everything. There are also other times when I wish she could see how rotten some of humanity really is. I know she is not cheating and there is nothing at all shady about this. 1
HokeyReligions Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Woggle, it sounds like you've been feeling down lately. We all get like that sometimes. I've never meant to be confrontational wwith you and I hope that your venting and asking questions here are helping you more than hurting you. I had to step away from ls once or twice for some personal rl introspection when I felt like ls was having too much influence on me and come back when I wanted to see more opinions than what I was finding irl. IMHO life is a balancing act and everyone falls off the beam sometimes. I thought the joke was funny. There are times when hubby has joked once too often and I just wasn't in the mood for it and snapped at him. Then I realize that how was he supposed to know which joke would be my trigger when I didn't know myself? Maybe she was feeling a little off right then.
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Woogle I was like you. My upbringing surely didn't make it better. But you know it's a skill you can change your views. You need to work at it every single day. Mantras is one way. How come I'm so lucky? I"m grateful for .... One thing I try to do is not read too much news. Let's face it we see mostly negative news. It is rare to see good news while watching tv or newspaper or even online. Because negativity sells. Also you might stay away from dating section for a while. I know it can be some people into stress mode. Just remember people are hurting and only seeing negativity. Just my thoughts. 1
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 We have a great marriage and get along great but those two very different upbringings will sometimes clash. I sometimes envy her for how she can see best in people and the world because I tend to second guess everything. Well you're lucky that you have such a wonderful wife. It's hard to find someone who see the best in people. I think you owe her to change your views in people.
whichwayisup Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 It was nothing sinister. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the brightest view of the world while she tends to see the best in people. She comes from a family of hippies who are genuine in wanting to make the world a better place and have't sold out while I was raised in hell. We have a great marriage and get along great but those two very different upbringings will sometimes clash. I sometimes envy her for how she can see best in people and the world because I tend to second guess everything. There are also other times when I wish she could see how rotten some of humanity really is. I know she is not cheating and there is nothing at all shady about this. Woggle, your wife is a smart woman, she knows how rotten some of humanity is, we all know that, but like most, she has chosen not to focus on negative. She sees things in a positive way, glass half full kind of person. 2
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 It was nothing sinister. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the brightest view of the world while she tends to see the best in people. She comes from a family of hippies who are genuine in wanting to make the world a better place and have't sold out while I was raised in hell. We have a great marriage and get along great but those two very different upbringings will sometimes clash. I sometimes envy her for how she can see best in people and the world because I tend to second guess everything. There are also other times when I wish she could see how rotten some of humanity really is. I know she is not cheating and there is nothing at all shady about this. This is just a difference in how you two view the world. You have had more experience with the darker stuff than she has. I would not envy her or you... these are just the results of different experiences with life. Sure you could choose to focus on the bright spots... but perhaps that isn't part of your nature. I think she got upset because you were referencing the rape and murder of little boys. That's kind of upsetting. Dark humor does have it's boundaries. Simple as that. 1
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 She comes from a family of hippies who are genuine in wanting to make the world a better place and have't sold out while I was raised in hell. We have a great marriage and get along great but those two very different upbringings will sometimes clash. I sometimes envy her for how she can see best in people and the world because I tend to second guess everything. There are also other times when I wish she could see how rotten some of humanity really is. I know she is not cheating and there is nothing at all shady about this. You are definitely opposites and I can see how you would get on each other's nerves from time to time. I think both being extremely positive and extremely negative are pretty grating. You are obviously both quite emotional people
Got it Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 My ex husband was very negative and it got old and draining over time. It is exhausting listening to someone who is always seeing the negative in life. Sure, are there cruddy things going on but it is a choice how to see life. Having had parents who were very negative I am hyper sensitive to it. Life is too short to be depressed all the time.
pteromom Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 It was nothing sinister. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the brightest view of the world while she tends to see the best in people. She comes from a family of hippies who are genuine in wanting to make the world a better place and have't sold out while I was raised in hell. We have a great marriage and get along great but those two very different upbringings will sometimes clash. I sometimes envy her for how she can see best in people and the world because I tend to second guess everything. There are also other times when I wish she could see how rotten some of humanity really is. You were raised in hell. And if you continue to let bitterness, pessimism, and negativity control your thoughts, you are choosing to carry that hell with you throughout your whole life. I know how rotten some of humanity is. I was raped. I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child. I have known people who were robbed, killed, duct-taped in a closet. I have countless friends who were molested and abused and hurt greatly. But it is STILL up to each of us what we focus on. What benefit does it give to you to think about how rotten things can be? How does that add value to your life? Does it change anything? No... it just causes YOU to feel rotten yourself. You have to make change where you can. First and foremost, it means changing yourself. If you become someone who shines his light brightly, there is just a little less darkness in the world, and the world is a little less rotten. As you shine your light, others feel the warmth and spread it as well. And make change in the world where you can... be an advocate against rottenness. Donate to charities that make a difference. Speak up. But it does nothing - for you or for the world - to just wallow in bitterness. Life is full of pain and horrors. And it is also full of beauty and joy. It is up to you what you wish this day to be for you... horrible or beautiful. Your thoughts and feelings in this moment will define this day for you. You have a beautiful wife who loves you. You are fed and safe and healthy. Live your life with gratitude for what you have. Do not feed yourself with negativity... instead of listening to news that makes you angry, listen to your favorite song from when you were 17, and sing. 2
Nyla Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 The other day we were in a Dairy Queen restaurant and there was a clown entertaining some children and I made a joke about him being a future John Wayne Gacy which made her angry. She asked me why I have to be so cynical and negative towards everybody. Am I really that bad? It wasn't a big blow up but do I need to have a brighter view? Based on what I have read on LS, your wife is right. I can appreciate that you went through a lot with women in the past, but you are letting your past poison your future.
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