jmargel Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 Glad for both of you that they decided to goto counseling. Find a good licensed marriage counselor. If you call your hospital, they'll have good referrals. Remember, it'll be easier for your wives to open up if the counselor is a female. If it's a male, they'll take anything they say with a grain of salt, thinking the counselor is on 'your side'. You both will continue to have highs and lows. That is depression. One day she'll be happy & loving, the next very sad and down. There's nothing you can do about it, just to continue to let her know you'll be there for her. You also have to learn not to take the things she says to you personally. Even yesterday was a hard day for me. She was cold & distant and I made the very stupid mistake of asking (out of frustration) do you still want to be together? Her reply was 'I don't know'. I mean, we've only been married 1 1/2 months. Last night she left for a couple of hours and came up still depressed. It hurt when she said 'Why do you want to be with someone, when I don't want to be with you'. It was like a punch in the stomache but I knew it wasn't her talking, it was the illness. This morning she hugged me and cried, telling me she was sorry. It's rough, because sometimes you feel resentment towards someone who can do this to you. But even though they may be pushing you away, they still need you the most. It's often the closest person to them to which they do it to, because of their frustration on why we can't fix their problems. Alot of the depression itself comes from not knowing what is causing it. It may not even be anything emotional, it could be medical in itself. Counseling does work alot, if you follow what they suggest. That's something you have to keep in mind between sessions. Often someone who is depressed won't follow their advice, but you as the strong one has to. It's rough, since you know the person you fell in love with is there, but is lost within' their own body. But with enough time, love & patience they will re-emerge again. Trust in yourself that you are not the reason for this happening to them. Also have trust in her and show it. Even when things look like they are going to end, don't give up. You are going to be put on an emotional roller coaster. This will take months if not possibly years to fix. But remember this isn't her fault.
VerySad5 Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 So, should I still be concerned when she says she 'doesnt know' about our relationship, and that she doesnt say 'i love you'? I also forgot to mention that she is talking about future activities now - like what we are going to do at Christmas, going and seeing my family early next year etc. I assume that is a positive indication yes? I havent ruled out psycho issues, no. I did bring them up with her and it looked like she was thinking about it. She said that she feels like she depends on me too much. To which I replied we depend on each other, that is what marriage is about. I have contacted a few consellors, and they are all women. I also told my wife, that we should see her as a couple, and maybe as individuals as well. She said that was good, but also said 'what if she tells us we need to seperate' - which is a fear of mine.
jmargel Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 No reason to be afraid of when she says 'I don't know' about the relationship. Let me ask you something. When she is down and depressed, do you ask her questions about your relationship with each other? If so, then STOP! You are leading her down that path. She's telling you she doesn't know about the relationship because she is just panicing and unsure about things within' herself. You are edgeing her to think there is definetly something wrong. When you ask her if you two are 'ok', you are saying to her that YOU don't trust the relationship and that puts her into a worried state, so of course she'll give you that answer. As for her not saying 'I love you' all the time, you don't need to hear it every 20 minutes. Also if she says she feels like she is depending on you, then she needs to be able to come to you first. Let her say it, and when she does let her know you appreciate it. It becomes more meaningful. Trust me, its hard. I'm doing that myself. I think its just first year jitters with some women. They just need space to think things out, which they will. If you push them, you'll push them out of your life, something you don't want to do. If she is talking about the future, of course that is good. If she wanted to really leave, she would've left by now. She's just asking for space. Try to get an appointment with a counselor this week. Don't put it off. Remember to act a little distant, let her come to you, but don't be cold in the process. If she talks about this 'dependant' thing, try to work on that. Does she have a job? Perhaps its the finances. Maybe she doesn't feel like she has enough control of the household, or that she can't go out without questions from you, etc.. What she means by depends and what you think it might be, could be two different things. Women are weird creatures at times.
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