VerySad5 Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 My wife and I have been married for 8 months, and have a 3 year old son. I picked her up from work tonight and she said she had something to tell me. She said, that we were not right for each other and she was not happy. She said she regrets getting married, and has felt like this for some time, but didnt want to say anything for fear of hurting me. I tried being rational and we had quite a long conversation, no yelling or anything, which she said that we were not right for each other, and she feels chained and has no freedom (she is 24, I am 28). SHe says she loves me, but thinks it is more as a friend than anything else. She admitted that she doesnt want sex sometimes because she does not want to deceive me, rolls over in bed and makes an excuse for doing so etc. I am extremely hurt by this and have managed to hold myself together. She said she needed to go out for a while to think, and has now been gone for an hour (i do not know where she went). What should I do? She said that we should seperate, and that one of us should move out. I also got her to admit she has only felt this way for the last 4 or so months, everything was OK before that. She has recently lost an aunty and has had a lot of stress on her, but she seems deadly serious. Please help me, what should I do?
Devildog Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Could be depression. Was she close to her aunt? Has there been a noticeable change in her attitude since then? Have you discussed to idea of counseling?
VerySad5 Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Yep, quite close, her favorite aunty. We have always had fights, but not half as bad as what they have been lately. We have been on the verge of seperation for the last month. All over minor things, which she just totally explodes about. I also thought it may be depression and stress, but it is hard to tell her that without it going down the wrong way. In her family, there runs a mental deficiency, nothing major, but mood swinging. I have told her numerous times to go see a Doctor and sort it out but she never has. I did ask my wife before she left if we should go to counseling and she said she didnt know. It frustrating, because part of me things it is not happening, and she is depressed/stress, and the other half of me thinks, this could be it ...
HokeyReligions Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Read the info on <URL removed> and see if any of that sounds like your situation. Do you want the marriage to continue? Why? You need to answer these questions for yourself and then ask them of her. Set some goals and get some counseling to help you right now. You each made a commitment and you should both put forth every effort to make the marriage work and be happy. If one, or both of you do decide that the marriage should end, you will both be able to say that you did everything you could to save it first and that should help the parting and help you both with your parenting by reducing the amount of resentment that is bound to build up. Try marriage builders for a start and sit down with your wife and discuss ways in which you can stay together to work on the marriage. If she absolutely will not go for counseling, or discuss what you learn about yourself and the marriage, then all you can do is let her go and focus on being a good parent.
VerySad5 Posted October 14, 2004 Posted October 14, 2004 After she came home last night, I was already asleep. She cuddled me in the morning, and said she still doesnt know what to do. She said her heart is not in it - what exactly does that mean? She said she was sorry for feeling the way she is, but her heart is not in it. I really don't know what I can do or say. I am very upset, but I do not show that in front of her. I said we should work on it, and she said she doesnt know if she wants to or not. Should I give her space, or should I lavish things on her, hoping for her to change her mind?
ready2moveon26 Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I know how you feel, but my husband didn't do this until we were married for 2 years and our daughter was 2. He woke me up one morning and said he was leaving. That was it. I had no say in the decision and I felt so lost. Eventually we got back together but I never fully trusted him for hurting me. We stayed together 2 more years and I had enough. I couldn't live my life wondering if he really loved me or was just comfortable with me. We have been seperated now for 7 months and are friends again. This have been hard but he now realizes that he does love, just not as a husband should love a wife. We are SO much better friends than we were husband and wife, at least the last two years. It is my advice to try and work on these problems with a professional. I know you have asked her if she would like to go to counseling and she said she didn't know. Just don't push her because she will resent you if it doesn't end up working later. I know how you feel and it does hurt. You both have a child to think about too and I think it is great that you didn't yell when you fought. I can't promise anything, but in my situation, it got better once we weren't "attached" to one another. Good luck!
VerySad5 Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 I think it has to do with her emotionally, she is a very up and down girl (emotion wise) and has highs and severe lows. She refuses to see a doctor about it, but I know if she got that sorted out everything would be OK. I would love to go see someone, but I dont want to push it, because she is stubborn and would take it the wrong way. She has been talking to some of her friends, which I really do not know, and also her mum (who doesnt really like me), and I am afraid that they are saying things to her when I am not around. I really love her, and our son, and would be devestated if we ever did have to seperate.
Devildog Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 Sounds like my wife and our situation. She lost her brother almost 5 years ago and we lost our newborn daughter 6 months ago. It has caused some problems in our marriage as well. I have asked her about seeing someone to talk about these losses and she thinks I am calling her crazy. I think she would be crazy if these losses didn't cause her some level of depression. Time can heal this on it's own, but you just don't know how long it will take. If she just won't consider seeing a counselor or getting help with her grief, the only thing I can suggest is to try and be supportive. You will probably have a few fights over small stuff, and she will probably blow up at you for silly things. Try to be patient and understanding. She is just letting off steam and emotions so try not to take too much of what she says to heart.
VerySad5 Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 So, what does she mean when she says 'my heart is not in it'. Is it got to do with her emotions (depressed etc) because I refuse to believe it. You just dont fall out of love overnight, especially since just last week, everything was great, and she was happily talking about our 1 year wedding anniversary?
Devildog Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 It really sounds like depression to me. Her heart is aching from the lose of her aunt. Feeling intimate and loving towards you is the farthest thing from her mind and she might feel guilty about that. Just try to be supportive through her difficult time.
jmargel Posted October 15, 2004 Posted October 15, 2004 VerySad, It does sound like depression. My wife, has that. We've only been married since August. We've been going to counseling since May, because she's had a bad past due to family issues, being raped, etc.. She was always on the go, keeping herself busy. Going to school, living by herself, working full time. Now that she is with me, she has time on her hands. Time that has gotten her to deal with the issues that she kept way down inside of her. She at times has also told me she not happy. What I had to find out, through the help of my counselor was that I was not the cause of her unhappiness. When your wife talks to you about being unhappy, tell her this (this is what was told to me by my counselor): 'I know you are unhappy, but in my heart I don't believe I am the only source of your unhappiness'. Let her know that you think she might be in depression, and that depression is an illness. It makes people say and do things to the ones closest to them that normally they would never do. I was diagnosed with depression a few years back. I am out of it now, but I know from experience how hollow you feel when you have it. You don't want to feel this way, it's something that is inside you. I'm sure with some anti-depressants and some counseling she can pull through this. Don't lavish her with gifts, emotions, etc.. You are trying to make her happy, which she will resent. This is because she is depressed. Don't act cold towards her either. The best thing you can do for her is to tell her that 'I am here for you when you want to talk'. But then, don't push the issue. Her coming to you is a big step for her. In the mean time you need to take care of yourself. Don't get demoralized over this and don't panic. It's rough because I see my wife going through this and at times she says things to me that hurt, but I know I can't take personally. Hang in there.
VerySad5 Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 Could it be someone else? The night before she said all those things, she bumped into an old male friend at the pub, whom she had not seen for a couple of years. They never had a sexual relationship, but were just friends? Could a chance meeting like that, which only lasted a couple of hours, have her thinking about the marriage. Maybe she saw something in him which she does not see in me etc? Things have been alright since that night though. She has started slowly to come around to herself again, and things seem to be kind of on the right track. But it does disturb me about this friend. She really wants him to see Hayden, but she always talks to him when I am not around - should I be worried?
Devildog Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 This sounds quite abit like what I have been going through. We lost our newborn daughter in February, problems started and then an old friend pops into the picture. Not a boyfriend, but that was by her choice not his. He also spoke to my wife when I wasn't around. At one point my wife told me that the loss of our daughter made her question alot of choices in her life. One of which was that I was the only man she had ever been with, sexually. She didn't know if she regretted the choice of marrying me when she hadn't experienced what else life had to offer. When we lose a loved one it is not uncommon to ask ourselves if we are living our lives to the fullest. If we died tomorrow would we have any regrets? I can't give you any guarantees, but I think she will move past those what if feelings. I think you should look into getting her some help if possible. If she doesn't want to go talk to someone maybe you should go talk to someone to learn how to help her through this. As I have been learning the hard way your instincts on trying to comfort her are not always the best thing to do and could make the situation worse. It does sound like she needs some help and if she won't do it directly then you may need to get her help indirectly.
Dakini Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 Originally posted by VerySad5 I think it has to do with her emotionally, she is a very up and down girl (emotion wise) and has highs and severe lows. She refuses to see a doctor about it, but I know if she got that sorted out everything would be OK. VS5: Do you really believe that everything will be fine if she gets treatment for this possible bi-polar / depressive state? What if she gets treatment and still doesn’t want to be with you? Or is it possible that her unhappiness in the marriage is causing the depression and not vis-versa? These are all difficult questions, but those that I encourage you to think about. Having been in a similar situation, the most difficult thing to accept is that you may never know the reasons for her current feelings or the causes of her depression. Even though you love your wife dearly, are you really willing to be in a relationship where you don’t know where you stand, or if you are constantly wondering whether you are loved? (Sometimes you have to take care of you) My suggestion would be to separate and let her work on her issues without your influence. This will be incredibly, heart-wrenchingly painful, but she is the only one who can address these issues, and until she does, it is probably not healthy for you to be with her. I know the feelings of wanting desperately to help someone, but ultimately the only person who can help her is herself.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2004 Posted October 17, 2004 Very sad, that is very sad...My heart feels for you and the pain you must be feeling. The horrible thing is once someone decides its over, emotionally and physically...It becomes one sided and once that person feels that way there isn't alot you can do. I am not sure if this is the case of your wife, but from what you said, it doesn't look good. Be as honest with her as you can...Maybe some time apart, some therapy for each of you, separately and together may help. No matter what you will always share the bond because of your child. Maybe she is depressed and cannot feel any emotion right now. Did she had PPD after your child was born? Just asking. I do hope things work out. You obviously love her with all your heart. All the best.
VerySad5 Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Things have been really strange since that day (last Thurs). We are still together etc. but she has been really quite withdrawn from me. I dont push any issues at all at the moment, but try to do as much with her as I can, comfort her etc. She hardly says 'i love you' anymore, it used to be our thing that whenever we finished talking on the phone, woke up, went to bed etc. we would always say 'i love you'. We also have had no physical comfort - barely any hugging, kissing etc. It is really starting to bum me out. Our conversations are still quite nice (when we do talk), but she is being really distant. I have taken a couple of days of work next week, so we can spend more time together, so hopefully we can start getting back on the right track then. Any advice people? I am going to bring her a bunch of flowers after work with a card that says 'I know we are going through a flat spot at the moment, but just wanted to know I am thinking of you, and love you very much'. Will that be a positive for her?
QuiteLost Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 I'm new to these forums but in the last three weeks have been reading them on and off ... I think they're great and some very authentic and caring people post and try to help out ... So here's my bit. I'm going through very much what you are right now ... been "trial separated" for three weeks now and its rough. Unlike you however, I know I've done wrong in the past and contributed to my wife's insecurity and can't really blame her. However, on the issues of counselling and her own emotional depression/anxiety, I have this suggestion: Go for counselling yourself, by yourself and for yourself. I too am trying to get my wife to go for counselling and she doesn't like the idea. She's a very private person. But by going alone, I'm helping myself and it gives me insight into my own flaws and helps me to speak to her (when we do meet) in a new light and I think it helps. It also helps her to see that its nothing to be scared of and by mentioning that even if the marriage fails, counselling will help us part on clearer terms and maybe even prepare us for our next relationships, it might help her see the light. Counselling has also helped drag me out of the self-destructive pain I was feeling. I'm not one for these things but now its actually something to look forward to each week. Even started going back to church! I too was very hung-up on getting my wife to go for counselling and get help for her mood swings and anxiety. Was thinking drugs would help. I still do think that but to a lesser extent because I'm learning how to deal with the marriage and looking first and foremost at my own faults and flaws. When you guys do talk, you can bring up stuff you've learnt about yourself and nudge her in the direction of counselling too. I don't push her and try even not to ask her ... but invite her to join in. She's on the brink of calling it quits I know (errm talking about my own case here) but when asked why then hasn't she finalised a decision, she says its because she loves me alot. You two also still have love between each other and that's a reason to be optimistic. Don't give up but at the same time, be realistic and take care of yourself. What I'm basically trying to say is ... try counselling by yourself. I'm no angel and may have destroyed my own marriage much much much to my regret, so I'm hoping this little and small contribution can help you. Good luck ... remember, you're not the first nor will you be the last person to go through this. M.
jmargel Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 My suggestion would be to get into marriage counseling. The counselor will more than likely let her know she has depression and make her realize that it isn't because of you. There is nothing yourself, can say that will make her feel otherwise. Trust me on this. Don't seperate. That's the last thing you want to do. That's just re-enforcing to her that you are the problem. Not only will that make you two more distant, but it still won't solve her depression. Don't try to make her 'feel' happy, by lavishing her with gifts. Flowers now & then are cool, but I mean acting out of the ordinary will make her feel it's just a deseperate attempt. She is confused and like in my previous post you can't take the things she is doing to heart. She is depressed and she is exhibiting all signs of it. This other guy, I wouldn't worry too much about. She's being honest with you about him. Though you can ask about him, just in a non-threatening manner. Thing is with depressed people, even showing your love to them really won't make them feel much better. The only thing that will is counseling. I can bet my life on this, trust me. If my wife didn't go through counseling, I don't know where we would be at today. She kept herself extremely busy her whole life so that she didn't have to face what happened years ago with her family, etc.. Now that she has time it's coming all back at once. I was also depressed a few years ago myself and can tell you from personal experience that there is a sense of hopelessness and emptyness inside you when you have this. She will probably more than likely blame you, the marriage, etc.. for the depression. It's because either she really doesn't know what's causing it, or not ready to face it yet. Facing it and your feelings about something bad in the past is very traumatic. Keep reassuring her that you are here anytime she needs to talk. Nothing wrong with telling her you love her. She needs to hear that.
VerySad5 Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 So, how do I go about asking her to go to counseling? I dont want to harp on her about it, but then things are slowly getting better, and I do not want to mess it up anymore but suggesting counseling. I have already rung a few places, just to see what the process is. Basically I am just waiting on her go. We are going away this weekend, so we can have some time to ourselves without anyone else interferring. Should I ask her quietly over dinner? I really want to resolve this matter, because at the moment I can't think of anything else but. She is still being quite distant, but is calling me 'sweetie', 'babe' etc again which is a good sign. I just can't quite shake this feeling of this other guy. Maybe it is all in my head, but why would she contact him when I am not around?
jmargel Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 The way to ask her is a non-threatening way. The way I would approach your wife about it would be to this effect: "I know things have been rough for you, and for us together. I love you and really want to make this work. So, I think possibly counseling might benefit us. Would you want to try it?" It puts the ball in her court then. If she says no, just say 'Ok' and don't push it. Let us know how it goes. When things were turning south for us, I actually bought a few relationship books, and told her I was going to read them, but if she wanted too she could. She absoletly refused, but I was still reading them anyway. I found a chapter (the book was Men was from Mars, women from venus) about arguments. I pointed out how I act in some of the ways the book described, kinda light hearted about it. She agreed, which then caught her interest (since she thought all the problems we had were because of me). She was reading some and I knew she saw herself in some of those scenerios in how she acted when she put a big grin on her face. That at least got her interested in it. When she was still being very cold to me, etc.. I then told her that if this is going to work, we need to do something. That I have seen a big difference in her and I don't know what's going on and then mentioned to her that I don't think she even knows what is causing it. She finally agreed to counseling. I remember the first time we went, on the way over she was like 'If she says anything to me that I disagree with, I'm leaving'. I'm thinking 'Oh great, this is a waste of time'. But when that did happen, I was surprised that my now wife actually listened. It has helped tremendously. I think of it as a stress-reliever. She has mentioned that as well. At first it was stressful to go in there, and it was hard to hear some of the things. But once we figured out why they were being said, we could actually get to the root of the problems. She still has a long way to go, and still is very depressed. She's on Lexipro which helps her with the anxiety, but she still hasn't told the counselor everything about her past. If I were her, I don't know if I would even be able to live through the things she has. One of her hurdles is truly feel and accept the love I give her. Anyway, bring it up to her like the way I suggested. Good chance she may say yes. Re-enforce to her that it's not just her, or just you. That you just want to find ways to communicate with her better and understand her better. Women will usually fall for that kinda stuff. Anything to get her into the door. Once she's in, let the counselor do their work. It was nice for the counselor to take the role of therapist away from me. It was too much for me to handle, being a husband and a counselor to your wife doesn't work. BTW if you do goto a counselor, get a woman. Your wife will relate to her alot better than to a man.
QuiteLost Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Not trying to hijack this thread but very interested in what jmargel has said ... JM, read some of your posts in other threads and think you're definitely one of the most helpful persons around here ... Like I said earlier, I was very hung up about getting my wife to counselling and therapy ... Does it really help that much? I'm praying so ... would be great for her even if we don't end up together. Hoping thats not the case but I do care for her so much and hope she can sort thigns out. Like I said, I'm no angel and maybe there's too much water under the bridge in my case ... but if as JM said, a depressive person can be helped so much, then maybe there's hope for you and maybe maybe even me. Sometimes I don't know where she's coming from, the moods erupt even though we may have spent a nice day together. We could have been laughing together not half an hour ago and suddenly she's insecure, anxious and feels lousy about me, the marriage, her life etc. Is this similar to what you see VerySad5? Its usually at night ... I'm in a country where we have very different approaches to mental health so despite surfing, I'm not sure if thats depression or some sort of hyper-anxiety? Anyway, back to trying to be helpful ... VerySad ... I'm glad to hear that things seem a little better. I really hope she agrees to counselling and it sounds like that may help you guys out alot. My heart dropped when she didn't agree to counselling but its not easy for some people to admit they need help. Don't give up but don't be pushy. I do stand by my previous suggestion of starting yourself ... its a bit like JM's method of reading the self-help books alone and using bits of information and stuff you learnt to pique her interest. JM said: It was nice for the counselor to take the role of therapist away from me. It was too much for me to handle, being a husband and a counselor to your wife doesn't work. That really hit home for me ... it was stressing me out and making me not want to talk to her and distance myself and be just plain *bleep* stupid. For what its worth VerySad, I think you guys are in it with a good chance. Hang in there! M.
QuiteLost Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Me again. Quite pleased to say that she's agreed to attend counselling! Even so, I can only hope it'll help us stay together, but I'm sure it'll help us both either way. So hoping this will help you. I think a combination of (1) my attending counselling by myself and giving positive feedback and (2) she speaking to a friend who's had a positive experience from counselling before - helped her make the decision. So if you have such a friend who she speaks to, that may help as well. I'm glad things seem to be getting better but perhaps that's as good a time as any to get into counselling i.e. she'll be less defensive, more open. I'm sure you don't want old problems to resurface if you just ignore everything because things seem better for the moment. Hope this helps. M.
VerySad5 Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 OK, I have an update. Wife and I went to the movies last night, and we starting talking about us before it started. She said her mind hasn't changed very much, and she is sorry it is hurting me. I spoke to her about conselling etc. and she said that she would and 'would have to open up'. I said we should work on it, as we made a commitment to each other etc. She said she still doesnt know about us yet. I also said, I don't think it is just me (or at all) that is making her unhappy. I also said that maybe it is a depression issue or an emotional issue of some kind, which she thought about but didnt really say anything. As the movie started she hugged me, and kissed me. And basically for the length of the movie continued to hug me or hold my hand etc. Since the movie (i have taken some holidays from work) we have been openly cuddling each other, and kissing (somewhat). She still hasnt said 'I love you' since last week (when it all happened). But things seem to be getting better. I guess I am just scared that in a couple of days, weeks whatever she is going to turn around to me again and say something again. It also bothers me somewhat that she has not said she loves me. I have said I love you in general conversion without it being reciprocated. We are going away for a couple of days with our son, so hopefully that will be great for us. I guess what I would like to know, is what people think about this? Are things really getting better, or is she still feeling sorry for me, and does not want to hurt me? Is there anything else I should do?
Devildog Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 Sounds like you are where I was a few weeks ago. Everyone is different. Your wife at least seems open to the idea of counselling and I think she might realize that depression is possible. You are ahead of the game from me then. Give her some time, keep being supportive, check to see if she still wants to go for counselling.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 Have you ruled out physiological issues. Has she seen her family doctor lately? If not, why not ask her to at least do that. If the doctor runs bloodwork and doesn't find anything, and if s/he's aware that your wife is symptomatic for depression, then s/he can prescribe medication or refer her for psychological counseling. You'd be in the clear in the blame-game.
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