Ohhhh, so that's why you don't sleep with a coworker

[leavethepieces]

I have been reading this board for months now and have been tempted to post several times, but never have...until now. This is going to be a long story (and I'm trying to make it the edited version!), many apologies.

 

Back story: I'm 24 years old, been married for 3 years and have one child. I started a new job back in October, the dream job I had been looking to land for four years. Fast forward a couple of months to February, I'd grown comfortable and friendly with all my coworkers and one guy in particular was very flirty with me. Stopping by my desk to chat, finding excuses to ask me work related questions, bringing me snacks, etc...

 

He is quite a bit older than me and married with children, but before I knew it, I had developed a crush. We were going to lunch together on a regular basis and the flirting got very heavy and sexual...I couldn't stop myself. I remember crying one day and googling "how to get over a crush on a coworker" because I was so distraught over it. Finally one day at lunch, he brought up the obvious, that we are both married and coworkers, we need to cool it, etc. We both agreed but neither of us meant it.

 

And thus the spiral began. One day, he put his hand on my leg, the next day we were kissing, the next day we were doing more than that. We started talking about our spouses, how we weren't happy, but he was adamant that he wouldn't leave because of his children. I was fine with it at the time because I was having fun.

 

But over the course of a month, the feelings just grew deeper and deeper and before we knew it, we were saying "I love you" to each other. And all of a sudden it all came up on me. I couldn't do both anymore, I didn't want him to do both anymore. I told him he needed to make a decision and after a couple of days to think, he said he wanted to be with me. He didn't know how or what, but he wanted to be with me. I felt really good about it and started making plans in my head.

 

The weekend passes and I hadn't heard much from him, so I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, he came into work Monday morning telling me that he just couldn't do it to his kids. I was absolutely devastated. Absolutely, completely heartbroken. I cried for a couple of days and I couldn't even hide it at home. My husband kept asking me what was wrong but I just told him I was depressed. I was so distressed and lost, I finally decided I had to come clean to my husband. I told the OM this and he was not happy about it but told me the decision was up to me.

 

I told my husband and obviously he was devastated, but he didn't react how I thought he would. I thought he would want an immediate divorce but he wanted to reconcile...as long as I would quit my job and stay at home. Understandable that he wouldn't want me working with my AP, but I just couldn't go and do it without thinking about it. Friday of that week, I wrote the AP a letter with NC terms and telling him how heartbroken I was but I couldn't move on if we were talking just as we had before. He was upset but agreed to NC. That weekend went well and I had seriously thought about going to work the next week with a plan to quit.

 

Monday morning comes and the day started out a little awkward but he hadn't talked to me at all according to plan. Then bam, I get a message: "I'm really sorry to do this but I have to talk to you." I agreed and we met. He said that he spent the entire weekend crying and regretting doing this to me and he realized that he just needed to end his marriage. Which he did that weekend, but didn't tell her about us. (Which my lovely MIL did two days ago...total stranger, drove to their house after he had already left and told his wife all about it. Way to make things worse.)

 

So anyway, he is staying with his friend. I am staying with my friend this weekend. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to commit to anything!! We both want to be together but I know if I leave my husband, it will only be for this guy. And what if things don't work out? At the same time, I don't want to quit my job that I love. But I cannot, absolutely cannot, work with the AP if we are not going to pursue a relationship. I feel so lost and don't know how to make a decision. The AP keeps telling me that I need to make a decision apart from him...but it is impossible to take him out of the equation.

 

Such a cliche, but neither of us ever intended for this to happen. It just did. I regret the storm this has caused for everyone in our lives, but I don't regret a second of the time I've spent with him. And neither does he.

 

GAHHHH I just had to vent that. Someone please smack me.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I get that feeling; of both regretting it, yet not regretting the time you've spent together.

 

I suggest taking time to mull things over. Do you think your marriage could be salvaged? More importantly, do you want to salvage it? Did you ever contemplate ending your marriage before the affair? Regardless of the outcome, whether you and your AP wind up together legitimately, would you still want to divorce?

 

IMHO, you need time to sort your feelings out. Don't jump to a decision, just yet. As hard as it is, be patient with yourself, and take one step at a time.

Edited June 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove full quote.

[threelaurels]

Do you still love your husband?

 

You should only leave your marriage if you are unhappy in it, not for another person. 99% of the time, it's only a case of the grass being greener on the other side, and the person ends up regretting their decision. You cannot believe MM's words. You can only believe his actions, and it doesn't look like he has filed for divorce yet. There's still a chance he will go back to his wife once reality sinks in and he starts missing her and his kids.

[FallenPrincess]

This is pretty similar to my work affair, but the guy I'm seeing is completely undatable. He can only lease cars and not buy them. You have an advantage in that this guy really loves you and will move mountains to be with you.

 

My suggestion to you is this: DON'T QUIT YOUR JOB. You may NEED this job if you and your husband part ways.

 

This is the one and only thing that jumped out at me in your post.

 

Also, your married man may not end up leaving his wife. It sounds like his kids are going to be a dealbreaker in all of this. I will believe it when it happens.

 

Good luck!

[leavethepieces]

They are definitely getting a divorce. She has already sent him paperwork and he is moving forward on getting his own place. I really don't see her offering to even take him back, based on what my MIL told me about their conversation. And he tells me that he is leaving his wife regardless of what I do.

 

As for my husband, of course I love him...but I don't know that I have ever been in love with him. (as fickle as those words sounds) We got married because I was pregnant. I don't think we would have otherwise. I've contemplated leaving on multiple occasions before the affair, but it it always just seemed to difficult. Hardest for me is how much my husband wants me to stay and keeps telling me that he loves me. I just want him to be angry with me and want a divorce!

[CarrieT]

Back story: I'm 24 years old, been married for 3 years and have one child.

 

I can absolutely, 100% guarantee that by the time you are 34, you will look back on this time with self-disgust and can 99% guarantee that the OM will not be in your life.

 

Sorry you are going through this - I would heartily recommend divorcing your husband, concentrate on raising your child, and don't get involved with anyone until you are closer to 30.

[pteromom]

I would at least TRY to fix your marriage, since you have a child together.

 

It won't hurt to go to a counselor and be completely 100% honest and see what happens.

 

If the OM loves you, he will wait while you give your marriage a proper ending.

[Balzac]

Sounds like his mom is the one in charge.

[JustAReformedGirl]

They are definitely getting a divorce. She has already sent him paperwork and he is moving forward on getting his own place. I really don't see her offering to even take him back, based on what my MIL told me about their conversation. And he tells me that he is leaving his wife regardless of what I do.

 

As for my husband, of course I love him...but I don't know that I have ever been in love with him. (as fickle as those words sounds) We got married because I was pregnant. I don't think we would have otherwise. I've contemplated leaving on multiple occasions before the affair, but it it always just seemed to difficult. Hardest for me is how much my husband wants me to stay and keeps telling me that he loves me. I just want him to be angry with me and want a divorce!

 

My husband is the same way. I imagine it makes you feel worse, since he's being so understanding, and you likely feel like you don't deserve it. At least, that's where I am.

 

As far as your AP entering divorce...well, it will still take time, and you both should probably let the dust settle, before pursuing a legitimate relationship together. Especially since you're still struggling with how you feel in your own marriage.

 

Best of luck, in your situation.

[leavethepieces]

I can absolutely, 100% guarantee that by the time you are 34, you will look back on this time with self-disgust and can 99% guarantee that the OM will not be in your life.

 

Sorry you are going through this - I would heartily recommend divorcing your husband, concentrate on raising your child, and don't get involved with anyone until you are closer to 30.

 

Heh. I feel that I should say this: 24 may be the age on my drivers license but I have an old soul. Living on my own at 18, married with a home and degree by 21. All of my friends are in their 30s and I feel lost when I'm with 20 year olds. Just had to say that since I felt you are implying this affair stemmed from a lack of maturity.

[pteromom]

Heh. I feel that I should say this: 24 may be the age on my drivers license but I have an old soul. Living on my own at 18, married with a home and degree by 21. All of my friends are in their 30s and I feel lost when I'm with 20 year olds. Just had to say that since I felt you are implying this affair stemmed from a lack of maturity.

 

You can be a very mature 24 year old, and that still doesn't mean you are done growing. I was a mature teen and twentysomething too, and I still went through a major shift in how I felt about myself and life at 30, and again at 40. It's part of growing.

 

Something else I would keep in mind when deciding what to do is this... you do not really know what it is like to be in a serious relationship with OM. Sure, you know what it feels like to kiss him and cuddle him and have sex with him and laugh with him... but you don't know how he would treat your child. You don't know what he's like to own a home with. You don't know what he's like to share finances with. You've filled in all those blanks with fantasy, imagining what it would be like based on what you already know about him. But it isn't necessarily the way it would be.

 

What if you move in with him and find that he is a serial cheater? Or that he is verbally abusive? Or that he is cruel to your child? (This just happened to a friend of mine... her lovely perfect man ended up being very mean to her kids.) Or that he is a complete slob that expects you to follow him around picking up after him?

 

You do not want to make a decision based on your feelings. It has to be based on what is right for you and your child.

 

If you truly don't want your husband, then separate. Spend a little time alone and see how you feel about things when you have a more clear head.

[leavethepieces]

You can be a very mature 24 year old, and that still doesn't mean you are done growing. I was a mature teen and twentysomething too, and I still went through a major shift in how I felt about myself and life at 30, and again at 40. It's part of growing.

 

Something else I would keep in mind when deciding what to do is this... you do not really know what it is like to be in a serious relationship with OM. Sure, you know what it feels like to kiss him and cuddle him and have sex with him and laugh with him... but you don't know how he would treat your child. You don't know what he's like to own a home with. You don't know what he's like to share finances with. You've filled in all those blanks with fantasy, imagining what it would be like based on what you already know about him. But it isn't necessarily the way it would be.

 

What if you move in with him and find that he is a serial cheater? Or that he is verbally abusive? Or that he is cruel to your child? (This just happened to a friend of mine... her lovely perfect man ended up being very mean to her kids.) Or that he is a complete slob that expects you to follow him around picking up after him?

 

You do not want to make a decision based on your feelings. It has to be based on what is right for you and your child.

 

If you truly don't want your husband, then separate. Spend a little time alone and see how you feel about things when you have a more clear head.

 

All of those are extremely valid concerns which why the AP and I have actually discussed all of this stuff. He is an extremely tidy person who did all of the shopping and cleaning (was a huge point of contention with his wife), his children are everything to him and the way he talks with me about mine, there is no way he would be like that. But maybe I just have rose colored glasses on. You are right, I don't know what it would be like to live with him and neither does he. I would never expect things to be perfect...there is no such thing. I wish I could do a "trial run" and go back to my husband if I didn't like it. How awful of a thing to say is that!!

[JustAReformedGirl]

You can be a very mature 24 year old, and that still doesn't mean you are done growing. I was a mature teen and twentysomething too, and I still went through a major shift in how I felt about myself and life at 30, and again at 40. It's part of growing.

 

Something else I would keep in mind when deciding what to do is this... you do not really know what it is like to be in a serious relationship with OM. Sure, you know what it feels like to kiss him and cuddle him and have sex with him and laugh with him... but you don't know how he would treat your child. You don't know what he's like to own a home with. You don't know what he's like to share finances with. You've filled in all those blanks with fantasy, imagining what it would be like based on what you already know about him. But it isn't necessarily the way it would be.

 

What if you move in with him and find that he is a serial cheater? Or that he is verbally abusive? Or that he is cruel to your child? (This just happened to a friend of mine... her lovely perfect man ended up being very mean to her kids.) Or that he is a complete slob that expects you to follow him around picking up after him?

 

You do not want to make a decision based on your feelings. It has to be based on what is right for you and your child.

 

If you truly don't want your husband, then separate. Spend a little time alone and see how you feel about things when you have a more clear head.

 

^ This seems very sound, to me. Though I'd go as far as to say this: no matter what relationship you enter into, there's always a risk of the negatives you've listed. Whether it's a brand new relationship, or a relationship that started out as an affair, those things can still happen.

 

It's definitely best to start the relationship slow, in regards to living together, kids, finances, purchases, etc.

 

OP, if you are to have an actual relationship with your AP, I'd definitely suggest testing the waters with him, first. Slowly integrate the relationship into your daily life.

 

You'll need time to adjust, and so will his kids (do you have any, btw?).

 

First, take time to figure out what you're going to do in your current relationship.

[pteromom]

I wish I could do a "trial run" and go back to my husband if I didn't like it. How awful of a thing to say is that!!

 

It's not really that awful... I think anyone would feel the same way in your situation. Your heart is filled with hope and possibilities, but throwing your current life away for a "maybe" is a scary thing.

 

Which is why I said you have to resolve your marriage first, one way or the other. Either reinvest or leave. And the only way you are going to be able to do that the "right" way is to visit a counselor and get it all out on the table with the help of a third party.

 

Resolve your marriage. If it ends, spend a little time on your own, getting back to who you are on your own, THEN, start slowly dating OM if he is still around.

 

I fear that if you just throw caution to the wind and run to the OM, you are going to really regret it. You haven't done the work yet to make that decision.

[leavethepieces]

It's not really that awful... I think anyone would feel the same way in your situation. Your heart is filled with hope and possibilities, but throwing your current life away for a "maybe" is a scary thing.

 

Which is why I said you have to resolve your marriage first, one way or the other. Either reinvest or leave. And the only way you are going to be able to do that the "right" way is to visit a counselor and get it all out on the table with the help of a third party.

 

Resolve your marriage. If it ends, spend a little time on your own, getting back to who you are on your own, THEN, start slowly dating OM if he is still around.

 

I fear that if you just throw caution to the wind and run to the OM, you are going to really regret it. You haven't done the work yet to make that decision.

Everything you say sounds extremely wise...and very difficult!

[CarrieT]

Heh. I feel that I should say this: 24 may be the age on my drivers license but I have an old soul. Living on my own at 18, married with a home and degree by 21. All of my friends are in their 30s and I feel lost when I'm with 20 year olds. Just had to say that since I felt you are implying this affair stemmed from a lack of maturity.

 

You sound exactly like me -- when I was that age...

 

Heck, when I was THIRTEEN, I was passing for an adult and engaging in adult conversations and being offered alcohol in bars because I came across as so mature. I had my first job offered to me at 15 because they thought I was 25.

 

But you know what? Biologically, your frontal lobes are just beginning to mature. You can read it here.

 

I thought I was exactly like you are thinking now as I was also married at 20. And divorced at 25 -- still believing I was mature because all of my friends were in their 40s and 50s.

 

Trust me. When you reach your 30s, you will realize just how much of that "old soul" of yours has yet to grow.

[pteromom]

Everything you say sounds extremely wise...and very difficult!

 

The right thing usually is.

[threelaurels]

They are definitely getting a divorce. She has already sent him paperwork and he is moving forward on getting his own place. I really don't see her offering to even take him back, based on what my MIL told me about their conversation. And he tells me that he is leaving his wife regardless of what I do.

 

Imagine how you would feel going from living with your children to only being able to see them when a court tells you that you can. Standard custody arrangements will let him see his kids 1 or 2 nights a week and every other weekend, assuming his kids even want anything to do with him at this point.

 

A month from now, he's going to want to go back home and back to how things were. His wife is reacting out of anger and intense emotions now. When things calm down, she may very well take him back. The future is impossible to predict at this point. Emotions are in high gear, and the dust hasn't settled yet.

 

If you want to divorce your husband, now would be an ideal time. It's not going to be easy, but it's probably what is best. It sounds like you two simply got married too young. You're both still young and will have plenty of time to find the person you're really meant to be with. He deserves to be with someone who both loves him and is in love with him.

[spice4life]

I am not going to sugar coat things for you. If you are talking about "trial runs" then you are fooling yourself. It means you don't love the guy, so just stay with your husband and call it a day. It's not really fair to jerk peoples hearts around like that. Clean up your own backyard FIRST and then see how you feel. In the meantime, while you are going back and forth trying to decide leave the poor guy ALONE. He made his choice; if you can't that's your problem. Let him go so he can find someone who isn't doubting how they feel about him. He deserves better.

[ComingInHot]

leavethepieces,

Twenty our right? Are you done wanting to have more children? But I guess you Will have a couple more, as Step-mom I mean, should you & "considerably older MM" get together... Does "considerably older MM" want to have more babies?

Come 26, 27, to thirtyish, you most certainly may want to pro create again*

This is hard to discuss as you may not be there yet (thinking about another/more babies) but something to consider as you say MM is "older".

 

I have to agree w/others here from your postings. Get Your life in order and stable for You & Your child First. That alone will be more drama than you realize right now.

 

Sigh... I remember 24. The world was All about ME* It was My world and others were just guests in it. I am a smidge older and SO grateful I don't think like that anymore. I would have Missed out on SO much!!*

[JustAReformedGirl]

For those of you focusing on her age so much: I'm sorry, but I have never bought the b.s. that your age dictates the type of person you are, your level of maturity, etc.

 

We're individuals; sure, age may determine certain aspects, but our genetic make-up, our personalities, and more importantly, our life experiences, decide our level of maturity.

 

While some 24-year-olds are out, partying it up, playing the field, maybe going to college or university at the same time, maybe not, other 24-year-olds have taken on full-time jobs, have no interest in partying, focus on their work and schooling, and may be in the midst of starting a family, a long-term relationship, or what have you.

 

Hell, there are people even younger than that that have their stuff together.

 

I'm just saying: stop focusing so much on her age, and more on her character. That is the defining point. And go ahead; judge me too, if it so pleases you, because "I'm all of 26, what the hell do I know"?

 

I'm not claiming to have it all figured out; I'm just saying that the whole age elitist thing gets old, really fast. Focus more on her issue at hand. :/

[ComingInHot]

Rebel-D wrote, "... We're individuals; sure, age may determine certain aspects, but our genetic make-up, our personalities, and more importantly, our life experiences, decide our level of maturity."

 

Heya Rebel, if you're referring to My post, I encourage you to re-read it again. No where did I mention "level of maturity". It is about her long Long future, things she may not have thought about or may change her mind about and how MM's age and place in his life could impact that.*

 

I cannot Make her end her A, but I can help her ask Important questions that she should think about & discuss w/the MM.

 

Not that you are hung up on the age thing yourself and this isn't true snark, but I have experienced those that make a big deal about something are usually in conflict with it

[JustAReformedGirl]

Rebel-D wrote, "... We're individuals; sure, age may determine certain aspects, but our genetic make-up, our personalities, and more importantly, our life experiences, decide our level of maturity."

 

Heya Rebel, if you're referring to My post, I encourage you to re-read it again. No where did I mention "level of maturity". It is about her long Long future, things she may not have thought about or may change her mind about and how MM's age and place in his life could impact that.*

 

I cannot Make her end her A, but I can help her ask Important questions that she should think about & discuss w/the MM.

 

Not that you are hung up on the age thing yourself and this isn't true snark, but I have experienced those that make a big deal about something are usually in conflict with it

 

Actually, it wasn't really so much your post; you did make a reference to when you were 24, you were sort of a "It's all about me" person, but you didn't attribute that to all 24-year-olds. I was looking more in the direction of some of the posts that ended page one, and started page 2.

 

I figure you made a fairly good point, about the age gap between her and her AP having some impact; more so because her AP is at a different stage in his marriage than she is in hers, which could even apply if they were closer in age. From what I've gathered, she's in the "starting a family stage", while he's in the "established family stage".

 

I'm actually not all that hung up on it; I've just observed that people, far too often, put too much emphasis on it. That being said, I agreed with much of what you said in your post.

[HopingAgain]

You are 24, only been involved with MM for one month, and he is way older than you with long term marriage and kids?

 

Run like hell! This situation is gonna make you and "old soul", alright. That's because it will sap all the energy and life out of you. If you do decide to be with this guy you barely know, you will be burdened with all of his resentment and guilt as well as your own. Its a heavy load. And it sounds like this MM may be manipulative, he will use the age difference and life experience to his advantage. I realize you feel very mature, but seriously you are so young. Don't let this mans baggage and life issues sap your youth and energy. If you can't work things out with your husband than leave and let MM go his own way. Don't let him use you as a rebound for his exit affair.

[The Way I Am]

While some 24-year-olds are out, partying it up, playing the field, maybe going to college or university at the same time, maybe not, other 24-year-olds have taken on full-time jobs, have no interest in partying, focus on their work and schooling, and may be in the midst of starting a family, a long-term relationship, or what have you.

 

Hell, there are people even younger than that that have their stuff together.

 

I'd like to point out to you that maturity isn't just a lack of wanting to party and it doesn't come from wanting to start a family or even from having a family. A person set on marriage and children too young isn't necessarily any more mature than a person set on partying. I've met some very immature, selfish people who have children. I've also met a people who married and had children too young and who seem to have halted their personal development at the same place they were when they had kids or got married.

 

I never cared for partying and playing the field and pretty much had to raise myself past age 10 and work to pay for everything myself. I was much more marriage-focused 10 years ago than I am today. That doesn't mean I'm less mature now than I was then. I'm a different person than I was 5-10 years ago and have different expectations and wants out of relationships and realize how foolish I used to be.

 

I don't see anyone doing anything other than pointing out that's a change that happens to almost everyone.