mahon451 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I keep getting this feeling that the ex is going to contact me. Like a gut feeling or something. Thing is... I don't really want her to. I'm finally getting to the point where I'm starting to feel "normal" again. Maybe even better than "normal." In the last 4 months, every time I'd talk to her (with an exception or two), it would completely derail me. She wasn't dropping breadcrumbs, at least not like they do for a lot of others here, and she wasn't playing any mind games or anything. It's just... I dunno, hearing about her life brought me down, and through no fault of hers. So I decided it'd be best if I just... didn't talk to her, didn't look at her FB posts, or anything like that. I have a couple of people that I'm casually seeing, and I'm having fun (they're awesome). While I still have feelings for my ex, as time goes on, they fade (a couple months ago, you'd never catch me saying that). And you know what? I like that they're fading, because now I can REALLY start to move on. I guess I'm afraid that if my ex contacts me, it might pull the last Jenga block out, so to speak. As with pretty much everyone here, I'm open to reconciliation, but we all know how often that happens. Not sure where I'm going with this. Hell of a day, so far. Thoughts?
aloneinaz Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 How long ago did you break up? Overall, it sounds like you're doing well! You're seeing other women, living your life and understanding that seeing/talking to her doesn't do you any good. Im at 3 weeks today since or break up and NC. What's helped me tremendously is- * Looking at an online journal I've done for a couple of years. I have headers on their about argument, fights, etc. I also made notes about the ex as it went along. The last two months, she was such a nasty, mean, selfish, manipulative, vindictive, AHole, that it just infuriates me that I tolerated it and didn't kick her ass to the curb first! * I started dating again a week ago. I don't need to sit here feeling lonely when hanging out and talking with girls on a casual basis is good for me. I've had some fun dates, have seen one girl twice now and gotten laid. This is good for me. I also know my ex is dating to move on as well. I often wonder if we really miss our ex's (the person) of if its simply missing the companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc.. I think getting rejected also plays into it as well. 4
Author mahon451 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 How long ago did you break up? Overall, it sounds like you're doing well! You're seeing other women, living your life and understanding that seeing/talking to her doesn't do you any good. Im at 3 weeks today since or break up and NC. What's helped me tremendously is- * Looking at an online journal I've done for a couple of years. I have headers on their about argument, fights, etc. I also made notes about the ex as it went along. The last two months, she was such a nasty, mean, selfish, manipulative, vindictive, AHole, that it just infuriates me that I tolerated it and didn't kick her ass to the curb first! * I started dating again a week ago. I don't need to sit here feeling lonely when hanging out and talking with girls on a casual basis is good for me. I've had some fun dates, have seen one girl twice now and gotten laid. This is good for me. I also know my ex is dating to move on as well. I often wonder if we really miss our ex's (the person) of if its simply missing the companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc.. I think getting rejected also plays into it as well. We broke up at the beginning of February, and then I went NC for about 2 months. Due to some hilariously misguided (but well-meaning) interference from a couple of outside parties, we started talking again... which started out promising, but turned into a horrid mess. I went LC, and we were on sort of civil terms, but then I came to the realization that every time I'd hear anything about her life, whether from her directly or via Facebook, it would make me sad. And yeah, she's dating other people, but I'm not talking about that- I'm talking about mundane things, trivial stuff that everyone does every day. Then it hit me- as long as she's living her life happily without me, seeing her do it is just going to be painful. Why subject myself to that when I don't have to? I didn't delete her contact info, or block her on FB (I just hid her feed, and there's no temptation for me cyberstalk) or anything like that, nor do I plan to. I don't feel any desire to text, email, or call either. I figure once I'm over her 100%, maybe we can talk. For now... if she says hi, I'll say it back, but that's about it. As far as missing the exes... as I understand it, we miss the person, but only in the context that we knew them in. As soon as we are no longer with them, they no longer exist in that context- in effect, the person we know is dead, which is why breakups feel similar to the death of a close family member or friend. 1
aloneinaz Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 As far as missing the exes... as I understand it, we miss the person, but only in the context that we knew them in. As soon as we are no longer with them, they no longer exist in that context- in effect, the person we know is dead, which is why breakups feel similar to the death of a close family member or friend. An adjustment to this last paragraph for me would be I miss the person from the honeymoon phase. The person who hid all her drama and issues until after 9 months into the relationship when the wheels started falling of. My ex showed her true colors and charactor the past 5 months. There's NOTHING about her that I miss.
Sneaky Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 It's odd, I'm at three weeks too and I have a similar feeling. Though this might be because I heard a story today about my cousin who got dumped a while ago and is now getting texts from the one that dumped her wanting to get back together. (Which she is ignoring.) I even know that I shouldn't even think about it and focus on myself but it's kind of comforting to let my mind wander there instead of toward bad stuff that makes me feel like crap.
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 You're doing well. I can understand your feelings though, in not wanting her to contact you; you're acknowledging that the healing process is far from over, and you're afraid that you'll be right back where you started, if she does text or call. You could always try to tell her no contact, if/when she does contact you. Even if you explain you just need it for a little while. Or if she does contact you, ignore her. Even if she's not a mean person, and you'd feel bad doing that, she has to understand that you need time to focus on you, to not deal with constant reminders. Best of luck, and keep up the good work.
Author mahon451 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 You're doing well. I can understand your feelings though, in not wanting her to contact you; you're acknowledging that the healing process is far from over, and you're afraid that you'll be right back where you started, if she does text or call. You could always try to tell her no contact, if/when she does contact you. Even if you explain you just need it for a little while. Or if she does contact you, ignore her. Even if she's not a mean person, and you'd feel bad doing that, she has to understand that you need time to focus on you, to not deal with constant reminders. Best of luck, and keep up the good work. Well... like I said- "hi", or "let's talk about me paying back some of the money I owe you", will be reciprocated appropriately. I can't imagine any other scenario that would warrant a response, other than the elusive "I made a mistake, let's talk about working things out" (I have a better chance of getting hit by a falling bag full of unicorn meat). 2
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