MarisBa Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) Here goes, My boyfriend and I have been together for four months now. This is my first ever "serious" relationship. We met online in March and it just blows me away the things we have in common, and the compatabilities that we share. However, in the last month I feel like we've hit a wall. Financially, I'm a stand-alone independant woman. At 22 I have started, finished and am now looking into new education options, I have a brand new car, nice apartment, and full-time job on salary. My boyfriend also has his education behind him, he has a degree as well as his journeyman papers in carpentry. He would like to start a business someday. The trouble starts with my boyfriends ability to keep a job, I mean, he does not have this ability. He thinks the people he works for are too hard on him or are unkind and he walks away, "I have my education," he says, "I don't need this." Since he has been staying with me the last few weeks, this makes it very financially stressful. It is very expensive to feed a 25 year old man, as well, he is wasteful of the money he makes and while he offers to help me, I find it very shameful to place a dollar amount on his spending time with me at my apartment. I wonder if we are in fact not such a good match? Maybe we are at different stages in life... in that case, should I wait for him to grow up a little bit? I've already told him that I would like to slow things down and he agreed, but he still spends as much time with me as ever... I can't tell if this problem is my imagination or if maybe I AM the problem... Help? Edited June 21, 2013 by MarisBa
melodicintention Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Wow it's like the past me came to the present and posted here I was once you. I know exactly how you are feeling. If you were truley me right now, I would say boot this guy out and focus on YOU this instant. And please do not get into a pattern of men who actually need a mommy more than a girlfriend. You have done so well for yourself, and this guy is likely to drag you down, just as your gut is telling you he might do. He sounds like he's got issues that you frankly cannot solve for him, if anything you will end up enabling his bad behavior by supporting him. He needs to get off his ass sometimes a little tough love is in order for motivation. I don't think that you are the problem they way you describe this. You sound financially and emotionally secure where as he does not. This situation will cause strain on your relationship. I suggest you listen to your gut instinct and do not doubt yourself. You haven't been going on long enough that it will be that hard to get over. You sound like you have a head on your shoulders and that you know what to do.
loveunlimited Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 You need a break from this guy. But you will learn, reading around this forum, that there is no such thing as a 'break'. You need to talk to him, and confront him about his attitude to work. many people are stuck in jobs that they don't entirely like, but they need the money. He cannot carry on like this. Give him a month to find a job and keep it, while he accumulates some money behind him. You need to know he has staying power, because if he can't demonstrate that, what does it say about his view of life's problems, and responsibilities in general? You can't keep supporting him, and it's unfair of him to take for granted that you're happy to keep doing that. At the same time, as I think Doctor Phil has pointed out, 'You teach people how to treat you'. if you put up with his behaviour and refuse his offers of financial help, then, excuse me, more fool you. That's just behaving like a martyr and adding to your resentment. You don't want to place a 'dollar amount on his spending time with you', but it costs you money anyway. He SHOULD contribute, and yes, you damn well should accept it. (And re your signature - Einstein didn't say that.)
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