Confusion_Reigns Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I found a journal of my husbands this morning. I believe he left it out for me to read (he's done similar in the past) and it's full of pain on his part. But I really don't know if I truly believe him, even in this journal....I think it's manipulation on his part...to get me to do as he wants...I just really don't know what to do what to think...it's all about him and how he loves me and NEEDS me to help him with his medical problems. He says his nuts hurt all the time unless he has sex and, well, you know....can that be true for a man? I feel so damned foolish for having to ask this stupid questions...he says I'm the only one who can help him...he says that he doesn't want to have to find another woman to help him with this... ...as I type this I have tears that are in the back of my eyes but just won't fall...it's like that for me anymore...I just can't cry anymore...I feel the pain, my heart hurts...but that tearful release just won't come...and I feel myself get hard inside, almost cold...and I don't like this...feeling like this. So I wrote him a note back and laid it all out there for him to read...because he won't really talk to me...I don't' know what to do. If he's going to use marriage counseling against me...if that type of counseling won't help him or us...if it will make him worse....I don't want to do it...but I don't want to not do it either.... I've decided that it's not fair to my friend to lean on him during this time. I have decided that I'm not going to talk to him for a long while...it's not fair to him to my husband or to myself...or our kids....so I will face this crap alone...like I've always done...and see where things end up.... can my husband really get better? I just don't know...I do know that we are nearly at the end of us...he feels it, I feel it...and he's freaking out...and I'm just numb...
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 He says his nuts hurt all the time unless he has sex and, well, you know....can that be true for a man?hurt? no, not for me anyway. But it can be maddening lol. For me it comes out one way or the other, sex, masturbation, or a wet dream. At least once a week, usually more. There is a physical build up that happens, and it has to come out! ^^ If it gets to the point where I'm having wet dreams, I'm probably going out of my mind.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Thank you for replying. So....does that mean that you HAVE to have sex? do you get angry (really angry!) if you don't get it? And, how often do you need to have that type of release before you're going out of your mind? Every day? Once a week? Once a month? Longer? ...and is it my job to meet this need in him if I don't feel the desire at any particular giving moment (not that I never want to have it but not every night).
will1988 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Thank you for replying. So....does that mean that you HAVE to have sex? do you get angry (really angry!) if you don't get it? And, how often do you need to have that type of release before you're going out of your mind? Every day? Once a week? Once a month? Longer? ...and is it my job to meet this need in him if I don't feel the desire at any particular giving moment (not that I never want to have it but not every night). As a man, I have to let it all go at least once every couple days if not more so... it does not hurt but it feels weird, it feels full, tingelly etc...the longer i go with out release the more horny i get and am more likely to start thinking irrational thoughts. Now i don't need to have sex all the time... with my fiance's and my schedule it is maybe a couple times a month ordeal, but we do fool around a lot a few times a week, but the actually act 2 or 3 times a month. But i need to use my hand when i need to release but cant. i would do it when you are in the mood, and when you are not, just tell him to spank the monkey
Balzac Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 It's rather astounding that you are a married woman but seem to lack basic biological, sexual facts. Has this been a factor in your marriage prior to now? I'm taking you at your word that you don't understand.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 he says he'll get resentful of me if he has to 'spank it' that he'll lose his love for me...this is what he wrote in his journal... yes, I realize that I sound like a stupid fool for these questions but I really don't talk to anyone about this stuff...I certainly don't talk to other men about this stuff...yes this has been an issue between us in the past...I believe this is our biggest issue, or at least how the big issues manifest in our relationship. I feel manipulated and he feels neglected.
Balzac Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 To be clear: I'm NOT calling you stupid or a fool. I would encourage you to acquire a few books. It's easy to buy online. I'm sure LSers can offer recommendations. Knowledge is power. How long have you two been in a relationship and married? Is risk of pregnancy a concern for you?
will1988 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 He feels like you are not putting out enough, and his "journal" to me sounds like it was placed their on purpose. He knows you will snoop and read his journal, and therefore he knows you would find the message. He is just horny and needs to release. If you are not feeling it, give him a hand job or something. That way you don't really need to put much effort in to it, and he feels like you are giving him what he wants. Also it is quick... messy... but quick.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 This has been going on for years. We've been together for 20 yrs and for most of this time he's had a very high sex drive. I have a high sex drive...it's not something I don't like or don't do with him...but lately for the last few months he wants it everyday. He insists on it and gets really angry...like ready to pack up and leave angry...if I don't do it with him. He won't take just a bj or a hj it has to be intercourse or he's flipping out mad. I'm sick of his attitude, to be honest. I'm way past 'reacting' to his threats...if he wants to go then he can go...if he wants to stay then he can stay...I'm not going to beg him to stay...I used to do that a long time ago but I'm just way over that anymore. Of course I know he left that journal there for me to read. I know you're not calling me stupid or foolish I'm calling myself that...because that's how I feel. Little to no risk of pregnancy...but birth control can fail...I do NOT want to have another child with him or anyone for that matter.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Would you, any of you men here, leave your wife if she only wanted to have sex once a week? Is this normal behavior for a man? He's the only man I've ever really known so I just really-really don't know if I'm expecting too much from him or he's expecting too much from me or if we're just getting to be too different than we where to stay together.
SweetandHappy Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 There is obviously problems in your marriage that aren't covered in this post. I think you both could benefit from marriage counseling. His "journal" sounds like more of a threat to me than anything else. Does he meet your needs? Is he loving and emotionally supportive of you? Are you having an affair? (you mention a friend)
dichotomy Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 This is a....a...intersting post. In general, from what I read, married sex (On average) is 1-2 times a week. But it depends on the couple, jobs, kids, health, and so on....there are married couples who have sex every day, but I would say thats rare. I would say a VERY good long term marriage sex life would be 3-4 times a week. I thinkthe main issue men have with sex in marriage - is when it gets reduced or changed in a major way. When the sex that a husband is used to getting - suddenly changes, reduces, quality goes down, when the wife starts withdrawing from sex or sex acts that were present at first - husbands do feel VERY hurt when this change happens. Men view this as a withdawl of affection and love and caring. Yes this can lead to affairs, or divorce eventually. Sex is a big deal to many husbands. You ask an important question - should I have sex when I don't feel like it. thats a tough question. If there is hurt, abuse, resentment, disrespect, health issues - then no you should not have sex. However, a good marriage is trying to please the other - taking pleasure in their pleasure - even when you don't feel like it. I am not just talking sex here. A good spouse often does things they don't feel like doing - for the love and joy of their spouse. Let also be honest, if he is going to try to "get it elsewhere" is going to being getting it every single day from other woman? I highly doubt it. And yes some marriage counsleing would be good for both of you.
TaraMaiden Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 In my opinion, and from my personal perspective and experience - he is being abusive and using emotional blackmail. If having sex every day with him leaves you cornered, distressed, used and compromised - this is completely unhealthy, and abusive. he is using his emotions and physical feelings as leverage, in order to make you feel guilty, and obligated. Let me tell you: I have in my circle of friends, several Buddhist monks. Their tradition requires celibacy. The "longest-serving" monk has been celibate now for 12 years. And at the risk of becoming personal, "abstention" also includes masturbation. It is perfectly possible for men to overcome feelings of lust, desire and need for physical gratification. I am by no means suggesting anyone here should try it, or condone it, at all. What I AM saying, is that he is probably exaggerating his feelings to an extreme. He won't die for lack of sex. I don't believe anyone ever has. He's trying to metaphorically pin your back against the wall. And yes, the 'threat' to look elsewhere, is further twisting the knife. I'm sorry, I have very little sympathy for extreme manipulation of this kind. A person in love does not do this to their spouse. What he is doing is frankly reprehensible, and let me simply put this in front of you: If you feel obligated to perform for him, against your will, and when you do not either want to, or feel like it; if you feel obliged to keep him happy having sex with him, but acquiesce to maintain equilibrium - then he may well be guilty of rape within marriage. This is an extreme situation, and I'm not making accusations. But the offence exists. 2
xxoo Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Expecting sex every day is unrealistic with kids. Expecting an enthusiastic partner is not. There's a big gap between once a day and once a week. My h and I have high drives, but after 3 days in a row, we are both completely fine with the other saying, "sorry, I'm just too tired tonight". If there are more "yes" days than "no" days, then he's being a spoiled brat. But if you are saying no most of the time (more often than yes), I can see how his frustration would be high. Having sex once a week would mean essentially saying no 6 days a week. That's a bad ratio. Would his satisfaction improve if the ratio improved?
Balzac Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Expecting sex every day is unrealistic with kids To stick w OP's situation, she's in a 20 year marriage! In no way do I buy your statement.
xxoo Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Expecting sex every day is unrealistic with kids To stick w OP's situation, she's in a 20 year marriage! In no way do I buy your statement. So, you think it is realistic? I don't understand your point. I'm also in a 20 year marriage.
TobyBoy Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 There are bigger issues at hand! OP is currently in a very intense EA.
xxoo Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 There are bigger issues at hand! OP is currently in a very intense EA. Ah. Well then. What a mess.... Get a divorce!
xxoo Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Are you saying after 20 years of marriage the parts stop working? They get worn out because you have been having so much sex for the prior 20? No I don't think that's how it usually works. I'm saying that it is not realistic to expect sex every day when you are married with kids. every day is not realistic. Personally, we manage 3-4x a week most weeks, after 20 years married. How long have you been married, and what is your frequency?
xxoo Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Unrealistic to expect. Not impossible. For the record, it is often my dear husband who turns me down because he is the one who gets up at an ungodly hour and needs sleep. His love for me is not a question. I am the one who prefers every day, but I'm not going to nag my spouse for needing sleep more a couple nights a week.
xxoo Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Does your husband dramatically whine, cry and claim you are being abusive because you want to have sex with him and he doesn't happen to feel like it? No, but I don't nag, claim that I have a "medical condition" that requires daily sex, or leave passive aggressive journal entries for him to find. Also, we don't cheat on each other, which is the real issue here.
xxoo Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I never called him abusive. I think the OP got my point, even if you didn't....
Ripnet Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 No, but I don't nag, claim that I have a "medical condition" that requires daily sex, or leave passive aggressive journal entries for him to find. Clearly he is not being honest. I wonder if he has sex addiction. When men get older they need to have less sex not more. Women can have more sex than men according to Chinese medicine. A man with average health can have sex every 4 days without creating health problems. As you get older you suppose to have less sex. If he doesn't get enough sex then he can have problems because men tend to release emotions through sex. This is why some men get a heart attack. Too much sex or masturbation with a poor diet. Too much ejculation will lead to jing deficiency which is stored in the kidneys. A weak kidney can result in weakening of bones, hair and teeth loss, heart attack, etc. If you want more information you can google "Chinese medicine and too much sex" 1
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts…I haven’t gotten to read everything yet but wanted to just post this… We talked this weekend. I laid it all out there for him on Friday with my own letter to him…sometimes he just can’t hear me (or won’t) if I’m actually talking to him….so this weekend we had a good weekend. He says he didn’t know I felt like I did…that he didn’t mean for me to see the journal (I’m not sure I believe that). When I say I laid it out there I do mean that literally I didn’t hold back (much) on my words...I’m glad we talked anyway. He refuses to go to counseling, marriage or any other sort. I told him he has issues that I can’t help him with, that I don’t know how to help him with…and that its up to him to figure that out for himself. I didn’t tell him this but think I need to…if he doesn’t do that work on himself I don’t know that we can stay together. I believe I’ll give him some time to think on that…we can’t solve everything over night…and *if* I choose to stick with him it’s a long road we have to navigate to get us into a healthy relationship. Quite honestly, I have been through this with him before…he’ll be good for a longtime, months maybe…but it’s never lasted before why should it last now? This new ‘goodness’ that we are experience between us…I want to trust that this time is for real and forever…but it’s very-very hard for me to take the walls down with him, and let him have that ability to truly hurt me again…I try to keep an open heart and an open mind to the possibilities…but it’s hard. My friend, the ea or om (I guess), I figured I can’t really do much with my marriage if I’m talking to him…he want’s to meet up this week sometime…I want to but I don’t think it’s a good idea….so no, I’m not going to meet him. He makes me very happy and my husband doesn’t…really? They are polar opposites…in every way I can think of…I *dream* of a nice, comfortable,peaceful existence with him….and when I think of what I have with my husband…it’s not nice, it’s not comfortable, and it’s not peaceful…it hasn’t been for a longtime well before I met him (my friend)…so I can totally understand the concept of ‘my marriage was broken long before the ap came into the picture’ my frienddid not cause the fractures in my marriage…but those fractures have become glaringly obvious and quite unacceptable now having met him and talked to him. But this guy is my friend and I don’t think it’s right to lean on him for *this*support. Not this. It’s not fair to him or to me or to my husband or anyone involved. So I am stepping away from him...it's hard and it kind of hurts...but I think the pain would get worse in the long term if I don't step away. ADDING: To answer some questions… I have a high sex drive…and I love it….but when I don’t want it why can’t I just say no and him be ok. Sex is not love and love is not sex…both are part of the whole not the whole, right? So, if I don’t feel like sex that doesn’t mean I don’t love him. We mostly always have sex about 3-4 times a week…over the last several months he’s been wanting it every day and becoming less ‘understanding’ if I say no…even with me offering the ‘other’ benefits. This is kinda a pattern for us (for years). Sometimes I just don’t feel like it and I think that’s ok for me to say no sometimes. I’d like to be able to cuddle without the expectation of sex. But you know it’s not only about the quantity it’s also about the quality, right? Quite honestly, the same-same is not exciting or interesting…yes, we could get creative (and have) but still…everyday gets old. And to be even more honest, I have considered the idea of marital rape, that this might be what I’m experiencing. Even if I don’t want to…he insists and my body responds…so I think it’s easier to give in…but it leaves me feeling empty and guilty and disappointed…I think that this isn’t really how things should be for me or for him…and yet this is the way it is. We’ve been talking divorce….but I don’t think he’s ready to throw in the towel yet…but isn’t ready to work on things either. So it’s like I’m in a limbo, we are in a stalemate…it can’t last forever. He’s talked about moving out, but hasn’t done any actual moving…I’ve been near to leaving but…well, something holds me here…and I’m not exactly sure what that something is right now... Love? Obligation? Commitment? Fear? Maybe a bit of all of that wrapped up. This is why some men get a heart attack. Too much sexor masturbation with a poor diet. Too much ejculation will lead to jingdeficiency which is stored in the kidneys. A weak kidney can result inweakening of bones, hair and teeth loss, heart attack, etc. Now this worries me…that he could be working his way to a heart attack, or other health problems. It really worries me. I will be looking into this info, thanks. Edited June 24, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns added some content
Try Posted June 28, 2013 Posted June 28, 2013 (edited) My friend, the ea or om (I guess), I figured I can’t really do much with my marriage if I’m talking to him…he want’s to meet up this week sometime…I want to but I don’t think it’s a good idea….so no, I’m not going to meet him. He makes me very happy and my husband doesn’t…really? They are polar opposites…in every way I can think of…I *dream* of a nice, comfortable,peaceful existence with him….and when I think of what I have with my husband…it’s not nice, it’s not comfortable, and it’s not peaceful…it hasn’t been for a longtime well before I met him (my friend)…so I can totally understand the concept of ‘my marriage was broken long before the ap came into the picture’ my frienddid not cause the fractures in my marriage…but those fractures have become glaringly obvious and quite unacceptable now having met him and talked to him. The above statement by you is textbook affair fog talk. It is right out of the handbook. When you are in an emotional affair (EA) the image that you have of your partner always suffers as you compare your spouse in an unfavorable light to the other man (OM). The secrecy of the affair always gives the AP home court advantage over the spouse as the AP knows that he is going after a married woman and the spouse does not even know that his marraige is under attack. Google "how to pick up married women" and you will see that rule number one is to make believe that all they want is friendship, and that rule number to is to get the wife to start noticing all of her spouse's faults. A quote out of one of these sites stated "Yet, understanding how to pick up women who are married would also involve getting into their psyches and somehow trying to convince them about the unhappy married life they are leading. This is a ploy, although bordering on the evil, does work invariably. Essentially, if you dig deep, you find that all relationships do have some cracks in them. That does not mean that we all resort to infidelity. Yet, in view of your own, somewhat ulterior motives, that would certainly be the perfect ploy to play. Women always tend to seek out emotional support in such situations; you can capitalize on the same, ultimately leading to a situation where you have the woman crying on your shoulder? This is when you need to go for the kill by igniting the passions already floating around. More likely than not, the married woman in question will take the bait." This quote is typical of what you will find on these sites, thus the increased negative feelings that you have for your spouse is typical for a married woman being played by an emotional affair partner. As you read these sites it will make you sick to see how many of these fake sincere guys get a special high taking another man's wife with no intent at all for a long term committed relationship with them. They enjoy the ego boost of getting her to betray her husband for them. Go full no contact with the OM. Tell your husband about the EA, as he needs to know that he was not crazy and he should have a fair chance at fighting to protecting his marriage. Give the affair fog time to wear off before you continue to judge your husband. Edited June 28, 2013 by Try
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