pcplod Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I think there are a number of ways you could look at this issue. Firstly and most simply, the outcome arrived at would appear, at least on the surface, to have worked out for you and your partner on the basis of mutual reciprocity. Unless, of course, what she told you wasn't really the way she felt about it. Another way of looking at it was that it was a request that could have been interpreted as a demand. You took a risk on that. Do you consider it a risk worth taking if had alienated your partner in some way? Another way of looking at is that the Facebook thing is just a method of communication. There are figuratively a hundred and one ways of maintaining communication with anyone. One could regard 'unfriending' someone on Facebook is neither here nor there. If she wants to maintain links to these other men she has many readily available ways of doing so without your knowledge. Another aspect of this is what does your actions say about your inherent trust in her and how she might regard that? Is she entitled, as much as you to be trusted until she demonstrates by practical actions that she cannot be trusted? Having these men on her Facebook friends list, is it a symbol of not being able to trust her? Is agreeing to remove them from her list of friends a demonstration of her commitment to you and in reinforcing the trust between you? Frankly, I have no answers for you. You will have to decide that.
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 It's absolutely true. He said: He requested. Requested is telling. Shoot, even if all he said was, "I am uncomfortable with this" and waited for her response, that was an implicit request. I basically expressed that I wasn't comfortable with her being "friends" on FB with her "exs" because they could see everything that she posts. She agreed, and unfriended all of them. I didn't force it, but I expressed that I was uncomfortable. There you go.
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Most of the people I know who are in touch with exes, do so for an ego boost from them , or because they yo-yo back and forth between ex'es, or in and out of relationships with exes. So I can totally understand your position. It's not necessarily insecurity. It's about asking someone for transparency. And honestly, someone who would refuse to delete an ex,for one reason or another, would not inspire much trust in me. I disagree with you. I am sure there are those who are in touch with exes for an ego boost or wanting them back, but that's not always the case. In my case, I would never never never date any of them again. Nor do I care what they think about my life or posts. Nor do I want them saying I am pretty or need any type of validation from them. Some of them are now married with children, and I enjoy looking at pics of their family and seeing that they are happy. Others are now a complete mess, and I am glad I didn't end up with them, but still try to be supportive as a friend. It's possible to be transparent AND have exes as friends. It's not either/or. 3
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 ex·press 3. To make known the feelings or opinions of (oneself), as by statement or art. express - definition of express by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia. re·quest 1. To express a desire for; ask for. Often used with an infinitive or clause: requested information about the experiment; requested to see the evidence firsthand; requested that the bus driver stop at the next corner. 2. To ask (a person) to do something: The police requested her to accompany them. n. 1. The act of asking. 2. Something asked for. request - definition of request by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia. There you go there's a difference between request and expressing. Nowhere did OP say he requested her to unfriend her ex. He did however asking the question is such a request.... doesn't mean he made a question he's just asking?
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I disagree with you. I am sure there are those who are in touch with exes for an ego boost or wanting them back, but that's not always the case. In my case, I would never never never date any of them again. Nor do I care what they think about my life or posts. Nor do I want them saying I am pretty or need any type of validation from them. Some of them are now married with children, and I enjoy looking at pics of their family and seeing that they are happy. Others are now a complete mess, and I am glad I didn't end up with them, but still try to be supportive as a friend. It's possible to be transparent AND have exes as friends. It's not either/or. Sure, it's possible - but very rare.
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Sure, it's possible - but very rare. How old are you? That could make a difference too. If you are in your teens/early 20s, then I'll agree with you for your age range. People that age are still figuring out who they are, what they want, and how other people fit into their lives. I'm in my 40s and I would say most people my age who are friends with exes are just friends and do not want more than just keeping up with each other from afar. 1
Million.to.1 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 It's as weird as being friends with an ex in real life. Why would anyone do that? Because they are great people with many qualities other than a romantic interest for ME. I am friends with most of my EX's ... I am also from a small city where there is only 1-2 degrees of separation. Many of my Ex's and I share mutual friends, and see each other at BBQ's, parties, events etc. Deleting them on FB would be rude, and unnecessary. I, and most of them are in happy relationships, and It's great seeing what they are up to on Social media and still being involved in their lives. I think most people who are friends with exes, are actually subconsciously or consciously hoping that at some point they will get back together. This doesn't apply in cases where they may have been long-time friends before they got into a relationship and broke up, but it's fairly rare, I would say. Most of the people I know who are in touch with exes, do so for an ego boost from them , or because they yo-yo back and forth between ex'es, or in and out of relationships with exes. So I can totally understand your position. It's not necessarily insecurity. It's about asking someone for transparency. And honestly, someone who would refuse to delete an ex,for one reason or another, would not inspire much trust in me. This is utter bollocks. Please read my statement above. I don't understand how someone can disregard all the other wonderful things about a person just because you're not in a relationship with them anymore. Sometimes you just aren't compatible for the long term or for a life partnership. If an Ex hurt you massively or revealed themselves to be a person you don't want in your life at all, then it's different. 2
Author Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 For those who advocate being friends with exes, are you telling me that you don't feel awkward knowing that everyone involved had at some point slept with each other, and have been intimate in various ways? You don't think your SO should feel weird that you are still friends with a man whom you had sex with before? Everyone is supposed to be friendly, and forget about the reasons why romance didn't work?
SiaLv82 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Difficult thing about FB is that it keeps the revolving door open. People are meant to fade in and out of our lives. If you haven't seen "Bob Smith" in well over a year then why is it relevant to keep him on your list to stay current with your present? He isn't part of it. Keeping an ex on your FB is the same as keeping that person in your phone contact list. I would reckon quite a few of us would find it strange to do so after a breakup, so why frown about when it comes to something MUCH more personal as FB? At 38, I think this was a very logical and mature request. Especially since by this age we are over the popularity pissing contest of having every tom, dick, and harry on our fb page. 1
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 For those who advocate being friends with exes, are you telling me that you don't feel awkward knowing that everyone involved had at some point slept with each other, and have been intimate in various ways? You don't think your SO should feel weird that you are still friends with a man whom you had sex with before? Everyone is supposed to be friendly, and forget about the reasons why romance didn't work? Yes it's called being a grown up. Even a ex wife can be ok depends on the situation. Mind you your ex took you to the cleaners I highly doubt you want to be friends with someone like her.
ses Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I'm totally supportive of your relationship, Phantom, but I do think you need to acknowledge your jealousy. She may have agreed to it only to please you. Red flag. Trust me, I'm jealous but am slowly working to overcome it. I want my guy to have female friends and to have independence without having my insecurities come into play and affect our relationship. A few months ago I liked this guy who told me he was upset that I talked with other guys by Skype. The majority of my contacts are male, but we're friends, nothing more. I help teach English to Spanish-speakers, and ironically I met the dude via the language-exchange site. I acquiesced to his request because I really liked him and didn't want to lose him. Of course I resented it because I had made great friends. After we met IRL he turned out to be a jerk for other reasons and we are no longer in contact. The guy I like now (who doesn't know how I feel) already knows I have a lot of male contacts but I believe he trusts me and recognizes there's nothing untoward beneath the surface. Of course I would delete anyone who has been overtly flirtatious to protect my relationship but it would be on my terms. I know of several guys who have girlfriends/fiancées/wives, so I always have that it mind when talking with them. There's a difference between friends and a partner. When I'm in a relationship I do my best to maintain an emotional distance from anyone who is not my boyfriend. As far as talking with exes go, I was almost engaged to a guy at 21. We ended because we were incompatible on several issues but he's still a Facebook friend. We ended on good terms and I only want the best for him. I don't believe he's engaged or married but he deserves a great woman in his life. Your girl should be able to maintain contact and have friendships with guys, exes included. You're 38. Men and women can be friends in this day and age. People can be mature about it. Don't clip her wings due to your insecurities because it will only engender bitterness and resentment in the future. There are boundaries within every relationship but relax. She's with you now. 1
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 For those who advocate being friends with exes, are you telling me that you don't feel awkward knowing that everyone involved had at some point slept with each other, and have been intimate in various ways? You don't think your SO should feel weird that you are still friends with a man whom you had sex with before? Everyone is supposed to be friendly, and forget about the reasons why romance didn't work? I don't feel awkward knowing I have slept with my exes, and we are now friends. It's just part of my past. Not something I think about. I even have a couple exes I see in person from time to time and sleeping with them doesn't even cross my mind. Thinking about it even now skeeves me out. LOL Some people feel weird about friendships with exes and some don't. How you feel about it is mainly based on your own experiences. Someone who has never left a relationship on friendly terms, or who has never had a relationship, or who has only had one experience with a gf and her ex and it involved cheating... of course they cannot comprehend how someone could just walk away and stay friends. But it IS possible, I promise you. 1
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Difficult thing about FB is that it keeps the revolving door open. People are meant to fade in and out of our lives. Says who? I decide what is *meant* to happen in my own life. I don't rely on someone else's arbitrary rules to define my life. Keeping an ex on your FB is the same as keeping that person in your phone contact list. I would reckon quite a few of us would find it strange to do so after a breakup, so why frown about when it comes to something MUCH more personal as FB? FB is its own thing though. Unlike calling an ex up, FB allows you to keep in touch with them without having to put any conscious thought or intention behind it at all. They are just there. Part of a news feed where you see what is going on in their lives. It's more like watching a TV show about them than it is having them on a phone contact list. Unless of course, someone is PMing their ex, flirting on their posts, commenting on all their pics about how great they look, etc. But that's a whole different level. 2
Million.to.1 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 For those who advocate being friends with exes, are you telling me that you don't feel awkward knowing that everyone involved had at some point slept with each other, and have been intimate in various ways? You don't think your SO should feel weird that you are still friends with a man whom you had sex with before? Everyone is supposed to be friendly, and forget about the reasons why romance didn't work? No, I don't feel awkward. If my partner felt weird because I see/ talk to/ am friends with someone i had sex with, i would be seriously worried about his self esteem. In fact, one of my ex's, married one of my best friends. I had completely forgotten about our brief "relationship" 13 years ago when my current partner and i went around to their place for dinner the other night. I mentioned it in the car on the way home and my BF was surprised, but could totally understand why we had given it a go years ago.... he's a cool person and my BF knows i have good taste. 2
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Nowhere did OP say he requested her to unfriend her ex. Yes, he did. I quoted it for you. Furthermore, his followup thread, where his GF expressed she was happy that he "staked his claim" and demonstrated possessiveness and jealousy, only belies the fact that you're just...wrong.
Author Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Yes, he did. I quoted it for you. Furthermore, his followup thread, where his GF expressed she was happy that he "staked his claim" and demonstrated possessiveness and jealousy, only belies the fact that you're just...wrong. First of all I did not demonstrate jealousy or possessiveness. How did it get spun into that? I'm not jealous about anyone, especially since i don't know them and i am far superior. That said, many women enjoy a mild level of possessiveness from their man. It's healthy. Also, I am not controlling, and I didn't make her do anything. It's common courtesy, and to her it's not a big deal to unfriend those people. She happens to be a high-level executive who bosses people around in her career, and she finds it refreshing that a man is not intimidated by her, but rather is able to communicate with her about what he finds uncomfortable. What is wrong with that???
Million.to.1 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I'm not jealous about anyone, especially since i don't know them and i am far superior. How do you know you are "far superior" to them when you don't know them? Is it true you have only been in this relationship approx 1 month? If so, I think it was wrong of you to even express your opinion about who is or isn't on her FB list, let alone ask her to delete people. This relationship is only a fetus. But i wouldn't expect much logic from someone who says things like "i am far superior to people i have never met"
MidwestUSA Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Here is what happened with me, and I apologize if it has been touched on. Flat out, it's a "yuck" factor. Do I know that my husband had sex with his two prior wives. Yes. Does he admit to "man whore" days. Yes. When perusing his FB feed one day, he pointed a girl out and told me how relentlessly she had pursued him (we're going back 20 years here). To put a stop to it, he "gave in" and slept with her, and she cried when she found out he wasn't really interested in a relationship. After scolding him for doing the exact wrong thing in the situation, I politely informed him that his history is his, and TMI is TMI. I don't need to see faces! I actually felt bad for her, and it changed my opinion of him, slightly. I seriously doubt I'm the only woman who feels this way. Unbeknownst to me, he unfriended her later; I didn't ask him to. But he got a good idea where I stood on the TMI stuff. Seriously, names and faces? From one night stands? In my face while his feed scrolls? Maybe that's worse than picturing anyone he was long term with, I don't know. Did I later go thru his 400+ friends list and wonder who else he'd slept with? Yes. If is makes me controlling, possessive, or jealous to feel this way, so be it. (And yes, phantom, he was pleased when I displayed a bit of jealousy/ possessiveness in public. We're all about the "my man, my woman" thing.) 1
spiderowl Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 It's a difficult one and I can understand how you'd feel uncomfortable about it. However, if I was her I would have felt unhappy that you had asked, that you sought to invade my Facebook page and control it. I might have people on there that I dated but it doesn't mean I'm going to take up with them again. I've probably forgotten about them in fact. If you are unhappy with exes seeing private postings about you and your girlfriend then it's perfectly reasonable to ask her not to post anything personal about you and her on there while these people are still around. You have a right to privacy too.
Estate Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 My lady and I were laying in bed last night, and she mentioned that for some very odd reason, 3 people whom she dated in the past contacted her this week via Facebook, text and email. She joked that those guys were probably looking for sex, and they have a list of women they dated, so they just go down the list. She replied to their messages, telling them that she is in a new relationship now, and best of luck. I like how she handled it, and I basically said, "I pity those fools who couldn't keep you..." Later in the night, I asked her if she still had people whom she dated on her Facebook friends list. She said yes. Then I asked if those were real friends, or just leftover from during their short dating period. She said they never even talk, just there to see what each other is up to. I basically expressed that I wasn't comfortable with her being "friends" on FB with her "exs" because they could see everything that she posts. She agreed, and unfriended all of them. I can't believe I'm discussing FB stuff and we are both 38. It's kinda lame, but it touches upon a deeper issue. I am not a possessive jealous man. I just don't like the idea of the men she previously dated to have access to her via social media. I consider us starting over from the beginning, so why have those old shadows linger around for no good reason? Do you think it was inappropriate of me to request her to unfriend those people? I didn't force it, but I expressed that I was uncomfortable. She said I had a right to make such request, but still I feel a little guilty for some reason. I don't think my request was unreasonable because if tables were turned, I would totally understand. She also told me that if I had "bitches" on my FB, she would not like that either. Any comments? Very inappropriate of you and very needy of you. Leave it as a once off... any more of this behavior will only push her away... you're walking a fine line.
ASG Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 For those who advocate being friends with exes, are you telling me that you don't feel awkward knowing that everyone involved had at some point slept with each other, and have been intimate in various ways? You don't think your SO should feel weird that you are still friends with a man whom you had sex with before? Everyone is supposed to be friendly, and forget about the reasons why romance didn't work? Like some have said, it's called being a grown up! I am friends with most of my ex's and FWBs past. The past is the past and I have no desire to reash it! I remember once going to a dinner thing with an ex of mine and it turned out that at our table was me, another of his exes and his current GF/wife! We all knew about it and we were all fine! We (the girls) made a little fun of him and talked about comparing notes, but it was all fine and lighthearted. His GF (not sure they were married yet, at the time) was having a major laugh!
ChatroomHero Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I think it comes down to being good communication. It bothered the OP, and he said something. It's ok if something about your SO bothers you and you say something. Hiding it and dancing around the issue is where the problems start. Now if she had said it's no big deal and wanted to keep them as friends, you have to respect her position and let it go. Obviously she agreed. To the people saying it was controlling or out of line, I wonder if they have relationship issues because they are afraid to be open and honest in relationships. I've had women tell me certain things that bother them that I feel is not a big deal but I prefer they tell me than stew on it and start looking for things. It doesn't mean I need to agree with them but it's good to know certain things bother them and I can work on the situation in an open and honest atmosphere. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 (edited) Here is what happened with me, and I apologize if it has been touched on. Flat out, it's a "yuck" factor. Do I know that my husband had sex with his two prior wives. Yes. Does he admit to "man whore" days. Yes. When perusing his FB feed one day, he pointed a girl out and told me how relentlessly she had pursued him (we're going back 20 years here). To put a stop to it, he "gave in" and slept with her, and she cried when she found out he wasn't really interested in a relationship. After scolding him for doing the exact wrong thing in the situation, I politely informed him that his history is his, and TMI is TMI. I don't need to see faces! I actually felt bad for her, and it changed my opinion of him, slightly. I seriously doubt I'm the only woman who feels this way. Unbeknownst to me, he unfriended her later; I didn't ask him to. But he got a good idea where I stood on the TMI stuff. Seriously, names and faces? From one night stands? In my face while his feed scrolls? Maybe that's worse than picturing anyone he was long term with, I don't know. Did I later go thru his 400+ friends list and wonder who else he'd slept with? Yes. If is makes me controlling, possessive, or jealous to feel this way, so be it. (And yes, phantom, he was pleased when I displayed a bit of jealousy/ possessiveness in public. We're all about the "my man, my woman" thing.) Good for you! My ex kept a woman on his friends list whom he told me he had taken to his hotel room after meeting her at a bar, while WE were together, but claimed nothing had happened (of course, we all know that a guy who takes a stranger back to his hotel room ... does it to watch tv with her...). Imagine how it made me feel. After we got into a fight, I removed him from facebook, but when we made up, he refused to add me back, claiming he kept fb for "work." I guess that 18 year old girl he took back to his hotel room now became part of his "work" scene, conveniently! What a sleazebag! Edited June 22, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
ASG Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I think it comes down to being good communication. It bothered the OP, and he said something. It's ok if something about your SO bothers you and you say something. Hiding it and dancing around the issue is where the problems start. Now if she had said it's no big deal and wanted to keep them as friends, you have to respect her position and let it go. Obviously she agreed. To the people saying it was controlling or out of line, I wonder if they have relationship issues because they are afraid to be open and honest in relationships. I've had women tell me certain things that bother them that I feel is not a big deal but I prefer they tell me than stew on it and start looking for things. It doesn't mean I need to agree with them but it's good to know certain things bother them and I can work on the situation in an open and honest atmosphere. Oh, I agree with you there. Better to put things out in the open and try to work on them. BUT, if someone I was dating were to request I remove my exes from my FB, it would probably become a problem. Because I wouldn't do it. And, if the person I was dating really had a problem with it, and couldn't let it go, then we'd have a very big incompatibility problem. And it's not about respecting the person you're dating, and removing the exes. I think that is utter bollocks. If someone asks you to do that, it means they don't trust you. And that for me, is a deal breaker. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I think that your request was unreasonable and controlling. Wow, that blindsided me even by your usual standards. I am 100% certain that if the genders were switched in the OP, you would have said the exact opposite. Hypocrisy. OP, everything you said, did and thought were reasonable. You asked whether these guys were really friends, she said no, you made a logical argument and request, she complied and said she agreed and would ask the same of you. Where is the problem -- there is none. Just in the minds of militant atheist man-haters.
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