Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 My lady and I were laying in bed last night, and she mentioned that for some very odd reason, 3 people whom she dated in the past contacted her this week via Facebook, text and email. She joked that those guys were probably looking for sex, and they have a list of women they dated, so they just go down the list. She replied to their messages, telling them that she is in a new relationship now, and best of luck. I like how she handled it, and I basically said, "I pity those fools who couldn't keep you..." Later in the night, I asked her if she still had people whom she dated on her Facebook friends list. She said yes. Then I asked if those were real friends, or just leftover from during their short dating period. She said they never even talk, just there to see what each other is up to. I basically expressed that I wasn't comfortable with her being "friends" on FB with her "exs" because they could see everything that she posts. She agreed, and unfriended all of them. I can't believe I'm discussing FB stuff and we are both 38. It's kinda lame, but it touches upon a deeper issue. I am not a possessive jealous man. I just don't like the idea of the men she previously dated to have access to her via social media. I consider us starting over from the beginning, so why have those old shadows linger around for no good reason? Do you think it was inappropriate of me to request her to unfriend those people? I didn't force it, but I expressed that I was uncomfortable. She said I had a right to make such request, but still I feel a little guilty for some reason. I don't think my request was unreasonable because if tables were turned, I would totally understand. She also told me that if I had "bitches" on my FB, she would not like that either. Any comments?
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I think that your request was unreasonable and controlling. I AM a jealous person and I never make such requests as my new bf is not my possession. 3
MidwestUSA Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Believe it. I went through it with my husband, and we have a few years on you. I don't think it was out of line; obviously she didn't either. As long as neither of you was horribly bent out out of shape and are on the same page about it, no harm! Well handled. 1
CorridorE Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I don't think it was out of line. I don't have any long term exs on my fb, but if I did and a new boyfriend asked if I would mind deleting them, I wouldn't have any problem with it. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I don't think it's an unreasonable request. I was on my ex's facebook and he kept adding women he had met in bars while abroad on a job, and it really made me insecure and uncomfortable. He even told me he had taken one of those women back to his hotel, along with his co-worker and the girl's girlfriend... but claimed nothing had happened. Anyway, I was even fine with him keeping them on his friends list, as long as I was on his friends list as well.. But one day I removed him from facebook in a moment of extreme anger at him, but when we made up, I wanted him to add me back. He refused, claiming he was keeping facebook for "work", when in fact he had all those women on there who were in no way associated with "work." Anyway, he never added me back, and it was a major dealbreaker for me. Soon after that, I found out he had cheated on me months before that, so it was a moot point anyway. I don't think you overreacted.
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I would never ask someone to unfriend people on facebook just because they're an ex. The only reason maybe if I really knew that person and didn't like them that much. Even if she was flirting with the guy it wouldn't bother me but if she fell in love with these guys and saying I love you then it's a problem but then I wouldn't ask her to unfriend them I would just end the relationship because the trust is gone. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 This has nothing to do with trust or past feelings. I just feel awkward about it. I'm a man, and I just don't like the idea of past guys who are not even friends to be able to see her private posts. I just consider it mutual courtesy, that's it. Would never try to control her. Then she did something unexpected. This morning she changed her relationship status to "In Relationship" with me, and now all her coworkers and parents at her kid's school knows. All these years on FB, she has never changed her relationship status. I did NOT ask her to do this. I think she is really committed to making me feel secure. 3
MidwestUSA Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 This has nothing to do with trust or past feelings. I just feel awkward about it. I'm a man, and I just don't like the idea of past guys who are not even friends to be able to see her private posts. I just consider it mutual courtesy, that's it. Would never try to control her. Then she did something unexpected. This morning she changed her relationship status to "In Relationship" with me, and now all her coworkers and parents at her kid's school knows. All these years on FB, she has never changed her relationship status. I did NOT ask her to do this. I think she is really committed to making me feel secure. STOP, just stop, copying my life. 1
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Do you think it was inappropriate of me to request her to unfriend those people? I didn't force it, but I expressed that I was uncomfortable. She said I had a right to make such request, but still I feel a little guilty for some reason. I don't think my request was unreasonable because if tables were turned, I would totally understand. She also told me that if I had "bitches" on my FB, she would not like that either. Any comments? It's fine if you just expressed your discomfort and she CHOSE to unfriend them. It's controlling if you told her to unfriend them. 5
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 This has nothing to do with trust or past feelings. I just feel awkward about it. I'm a man, and I just don't like the idea of past guys who are not even friends to be able to see her private posts. I just consider it mutual courtesy, that's it. Would never try to control her. Then she did something unexpected. This morning she changed her relationship status to "In Relationship" with me, and now all her coworkers and parents at her kid's school knows. All these years on FB, she has never changed her relationship status. I did NOT ask her to do this. I think she is really committed to making me feel secure. If she's not even communicating with them what's the big deal? Changing to relationship status could potentially start drama if there's people who want to do that. What about her work? Do you expect her not to contact any males unless family related? 2
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 She said they never even talk, just there to see what each other is up to. I basically expressed that I wasn't comfortable with her being "friends" on FB with her "exs" because they could see everything that she posts. She agreed, and unfriended all of them. Do you think it was inappropriate of me to request her to unfriend those people? Yes, I do. She doesn't talk to them, they just exist. I think that request demonstrated jealousy, fear, and a slight bent for being controlling. As a side note, by having her delete them, now her exes won't know she's in a new relationship either. They won't see her posting about how gloriously happy she is. You liked when she told particular people this when they reached out to her, but you don't like that other people would just "know" via her postings on FB. Weird, to me.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 It's fine if you just expressed your discomfort and she CHOSE to unfriend them. It's controlling if you told her to unfriend them. The OP says he requested she unfriend them. That's telling her to do it.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 This has nothing to do with trust or past feelings. I just feel awkward about it. I'm a man, and I just don't like the idea of past guys who are not even friends to be able to see her private posts. I just consider it mutual courtesy, that's it. Would never try to control her. Her private posts? What if she decides to make her profile posts public? Some of mine are, because I just don't care. Would that upset you too?
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 The OP says he requested she unfriend them. That's telling her to do it. Not true at all. He expressed he felt uncomfortable, he did not ask her to unfriend them. There is a big difference between the two. I basically expressed that I wasn't comfortable with her being "friends" on FB with her "exs" because they could see everything that she posts. She agreed, and unfriended all of them.
clia Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 If it has nothing to do with jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, trust, or past feelings, why are you uncomfortable with it? Those are the only reasons I can think of as to why it would bother you who she is friends with, especially since she wasn't even interacting with them on any regular basis. I would personally find it really immature, petty, insecure, and insulting if my 38 year old boyfriend was worried about me being friends with an ex on Facebook. But obviously she didn't mind, since she deleted them. So, whatever works for you two... 4
Author Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 If it has nothing to do with jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, trust, or past feelings, why are you uncomfortable with it? Those are the only reasons I can think of as to why it would bother you who she is friends with, especially since she wasn't even interacting with them on any regular basis. I would personally find it really immature, petty, insecure, and insulting if my 38 year old boyfriend was worried about me being friends with an ex on Facebook. But obviously she didn't mind, since she deleted them. So, whatever works for you two... Of course it has nothing to do with jealous, possessiveness, insecurity, trust or anything of that sort. It's just weird. It's as weird as being friends with an ex in real life. Why would anyone do that? I wasn't worried...just uncomfortable about that idea. She agreed that if I had exs on my FB, she would feel weird too, but she just never really thought about it. Those guys mean nothing to her, so deleting them was not a big deal for anyone. She thought it was a good idea because at least it would take my discomfort away. 1
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Of course it has nothing to do with jealous, possessiveness, insecurity, trust or anything of that sort. It's just weird. It's as weird as being friends with an ex in real life. Why would anyone do that? I am friends with many exes. Why? Because they were a part of my life, and I want to keep up with what's happening in theirs. Nothing more. No desire to ever go there again, no worries about what they think about my life and relationship... just residual friendships left over from failed relationships. No biggie. 3
FitChick Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I am friends with many exes. Why? Because they were a part of my life, and I want to keep up with what's happening in theirs. But his girlfriend doesn't care about those guys. They were just FWBs.
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 But his girlfriend doesn't care about those guys. They were just FWBs. Since she unfriended them, you are likely correct that she didn't care about them. Either that, or she felt like she had to do it or risk losing Phantom... if it was the former, no biggie. If it was the latter, it was the batter for the first layer in a giant gooey cake of resentment. Time will tell.
Author Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 But his girlfriend doesn't care about those guys. They were just FWBs. No they were not FWBs. They were people she actually dated, and during their short relationship (1 - 2 months) they friended each other on FB, but never bothered to unfriend after breakup. She doesn't hear from them, doesn't care about them, and were really not good matches. She didn't even make a fuss about deleting them. My only concern was whether i crossed the line expressing my discomfort. I think I have every right to feel uncomfortable about things I find weird. I am not in contact with any of my exes because when i broke up with them, they were all mad at me for breaking up with them. Couldn't be friends even if I wanted to.
pteromom Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I think I have every right to feel uncomfortable about things I find weird. Of course, you have the right to feel the way you feel. But you don't have the right to expect her to feel the same way you feel. In this case, it seems it was OK, because she didn't care that much about staying FB friends with them anyway. But next time something like this comes up, it may be something that makes you feel very weird, but something that IS important to her. So when it happens, it will be good if you can consider her point of view and maybe even say "Yes, this makes me feel uncomfortable, but I trust her and understand she doesn't think the same way I think, so I am going to let it go." Of course, it is ALWAYS good to discuss it and share your perspective and get hers. What is weird to you may be perfectly normal to someone else. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Of course it has nothing to do with jealous, possessiveness, insecurity, trust or anything of that sort. It's just weird. It's as weird as being friends with an ex in real life. Why would anyone do that? I wasn't worried...just uncomfortable about that idea. She agreed that if I had exs on my FB, she would feel weird too, but she just never really thought about it. Those guys mean nothing to her, so deleting them was not a big deal for anyone. She thought it was a good idea because at least it would take my discomfort away. I think most people who are friends with exes, are actually subconsciously or consciously hoping that at some point they will get back together. This doesn't apply in cases where they may have been long-time friends before they got into a relationship and broke up, but it's fairly rare, I would say. Most of the people I know who are in touch with exes, do so for an ego boost from them , or because they yo-yo back and forth between ex'es, or in and out of relationships with exes. So I can totally understand your position. It's not necessarily insecurity. It's about asking someone for transparency. And honestly, someone who would refuse to delete an ex,for one reason or another, would not inspire much trust in me. 1
Author Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Of course, you have the right to feel the way you feel. But you don't have the right to expect her to feel the same way you feel. In this case, it seems it was OK, because she didn't care that much about staying FB friends with them anyway. But next time something like this comes up, it may be something that makes you feel very weird, but something that IS important to her. So when it happens, it will be good if you can consider her point of view and maybe even say "Yes, this makes me feel uncomfortable, but I trust her and understand she doesn't think the same way I think, so I am going to let it go." Of course, it is ALWAYS good to discuss it and share your perspective and get hers. What is weird to you may be perfectly normal to someone else. Very well put. I really appreciate your perspectives. Coincidentally, there is a related topic that came up last night in the middle of this. She had no problem deleting those few exes on her FB, however, she has a close friend whom she dated for 7 months immediately after her divorce. They have broken up for over 3 years, but have remained friends. She was serious about this guy, but she is more serious about me. She said if I asked her to remove his friendship from her life, she would consider it, but it would be more of a discussion because she sees him as a genuine friend and would hate to lose him in that way. Yes, that bothers me a bit, but right there and then I decided to let it go, and never think about it again. I told her I would never ask her to give up genuine friendship, and I meant it. She was happy about it, and rewarded me with great sex. I truly believe she loves me and would do anything for me. I truly feel her honesty and devotion to me. She has not done anything wrong or selfish. I just feel that I have to maybe change my perspectives a bit since I never considered the merits of having exes as friends. Maybe it's time for me to be more mature about things. 2
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 No they were not FWBs. They were people she actually dated, and during their short relationship (1 - 2 months) they friended each other on FB, but never bothered to unfriend after breakup. She doesn't hear from them, doesn't care about them, and were really not good matches. She didn't even make a fuss about deleting them. My only concern was whether i crossed the line expressing my discomfort. I think I have every right to feel uncomfortable about things I find weird. I am not in contact with any of my exes because when i broke up with them, they were all mad at me for breaking up with them. Couldn't be friends even if I wanted to. I had fight with my ex when we broke up. We didn't talk for years but became friends again. She continued to talk to me for a long time until she got married but she no longer was really interested so I stopped contacting her.
Star Gazer Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Not true at all. He expressed he felt uncomfortable, he did not ask her to unfriend them. It's absolutely true. He said: Do you think it was inappropriate of me to request her to unfriend those people? He requested. Requested is telling. Shoot, even if all he said was, "I am uncomfortable with this" and waited for her response, that was an implicit request.
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