CorridorE Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Here's a little background... it will lead into my question. My ex and I broke up about five months ago after being togther three years. I'm young, and I began seeing him at 15; we broke up when I was 18. I lost my virginity to him at 17 after dating for two and a half years, and he lost his to me (19). Now I'm slowly starting to date again, and so far I have been non-exclusively seeing/talking to three guys over the past few months (not at the same time). These guys all start out seeming very nice, but they've all tried to jump into the sexual stuff with me alrealy. For the next serious guy I date I know it's unlikely I will wait as long as I did the first time, and I don't expect nor require that he will be a virgin because everyone has a past... however, I'm not even officially with these guys and it seems odd to me. I was begining to like one guy after a few dates, but then one night when texting, out of no where he asked for pictures. I sent him a normal picture of me head and shoulders smiling, and he said he wanted to see all of me. I told him I was in no way comfortable with that and he wasn't going to get anything like that from me, and he said all right it's fine, but proceeded to send me a naked picture of himself. It really startled me and turned me off to him because I think seeing someone naked should for the first time should be special and that... idk. Another guy seemed okay and we were flirting through text one night and he startd the what do you want to do with me?/I want you stuff... and I just hate that he did it so early on. I was just getting to know him. I'm no prude; my ex and I did other things and sexted before having sex, but that all happened after we had really gotten to know each other very well as people, and had already begun falling for each other. Now my question is, since I'm a bit older now and most people my age have some experience (18-22 yo), is this something that is common? Jumping right into sexual stuff early on? I'm still uncomfortable with it and will not give in to anything I'm not ready for, but is this something I have to expect with most guys? Or are these just the wrong kind of men? I'm really wondering because I loved the slow way my relationship with my ex started, but I wonder if it was only like that because we were so young.
eastcoastgirl88 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Confident/cocky guys who are immature (and you run the risk of this as you're young) WILL push boundaries and try to sext/get you to send pictures/see how far you'll go. This is something you have to expect if you are into this kind of guy. This does NOT mean you have to respond to it or cave in. The way I deal with it is to playfully tell them "no" or that I just don't do that. There is no need to get angry. Something like "Haha, not that kind of girl, sorry :)" should do the trick. If they send you a pic and you're uncomfortable tell them. Say, "Ahh! Very flattered you thought me worthy of that picture but I think it's a little early on for that type of exchange..." If they still won't relent you will know they are just in it for the sex. If they back off and respect your boundaries you can keep talking. Remember, never do anything you're uncomfortable with. Good for you for having standards 2
Author CorridorE Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Confident/cocky guys who are immature (and you run the risk of this as you're young) WILL push boundaries and try to sext/get you to send pictures/see how far you'll go. This is something you have to expect if you are into this kind of guy. This does NOT mean you have to respond to it or cave in. The way I deal with it is to playfully tell them "no" or that I just don't do that. There is no need to get angry. Something like "Haha, not that kind of girl, sorry :)" should do the trick. If they send you a pic and you're uncomfortable tell them. Say, "Ahh! Very flattered you thought me worthy of that picture but I think it's a little early on for that type of exchange..." If they still won't relent you will know they are just in it for the sex. If they back off and respect your boundaries you can keep talking. Remember, never do anything you're uncomfortable with. Good for you for having standards Thanks for responding! You're sample responses were great. I'll probably use something similar in future situations
hppr Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Frankly, that stuff is prevalent because it works. Being a smartass, sending a pic of your winky and then asking her to come over to your place and get high or whatever will have a far higher rate of success than being decent, friendly, taking things slow and seeing what happens. I'm not sure what to tell you as far as what you should do, only that it sounds like these guys aren't really what you are looking for (if they were you'd be having sex with at least one of them already). So maybe look elsewhere, at other guys. Really sounds like you want to date, but not put a guy in the friendzone either, and the way things are today it is a delicate balance between the two.
MidwestUSA Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 OP, stand by what you believe in until you find a guy that respects you. You're not expecting the unreasonable, and the wait will be well worth it. Trouble is, these guys have had women on whom these tricks have worked. Kinda screws it up for the rest of us. Good luck. 1
Mr.Mango Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Really sounds like you want to date, but not put a guy in the friendzone either, and the way things are today it is a delicate balance between the two. Totally agree, though not happily. This is a result of the new dating trend with 20 somethings. Most of my peers in that age bracket have almost no patience and want instant gratification, to contrast with the slow times we're going through as young adults. In a lot of situations sex is actually the first point of contact and everything sort of evolves (or doesn't) from there. There are few guys I know who would pass up sex if offered. The idea of even steadily dating has been waning a bit. Lots of people sleep around and don't ever really commit to a single person. It's a lot more accepted now, and for a lot of people easier. Just look at this way. An average guy today can usually get sex pretty easily compared to before where you had to take the girl out, swoon her and develop a relationship. I'm not saying guys can't do that, or shouldn't anymore, it's just that it's all about ease. Lots of guys like this ease, as it puts a lot less pressure on relationships and focuses on getting it in. The other point to acknowledge is that, as hppr already said, these tactics actually work. There are girls out there who are just as eager as the guys to jump right into sex and get that instant gratification. So if you consider that, then a lot of guys know that instead of going the old fashion route, they can just move on to different girls who are down to have sex pretty much right off the bat. I stand behind what MidwestUSA said. Stick to your guns, no point doing things you don't feel comfortable with. I'm a guy in my 20's myself and feel like I'm in the same boat since I prefer going on dates and developing relationships prior to jumping in bed. There are certainly others that feel the same way. Just know that the general consensus among people our age is very different now. 2
thatone Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I think it's a result of younger people not liking each other all that much to be honest, and for good reason! Consider the extreme stereotypes... As a woman, do you want to bring a boyfriend a beer every 20-30 minutes while he plays Playstation games or watches football with his male friends, and clean up after them when they wind down at 3 or 4 am, with the only conversation being cock and fart jokes? As a man do you want to go over to some ditsy 22 year old girl's apartment, in all of it's pink and zebra striped atrocity, to hear her yammer on about celebrity gossip, what slut stamp she should get tattoo'd where, and whether neon green or blinding orange is a better toenail color? The answer to both of these from both sexes is obviously "no", but there are a staggering number of younger people out there who match those stereotypes perfectly. On the opposite side of the coin, if you're not one of those stereotypes, you're probably swamped with school work and work work, so do you want another person around all the time eating into your precious hours in a day? Or do you just want sex and someone to hang out with every couple of weeks? That's my theory anyways, people are more interested in sex and less interested in relationships mainly due to the fact that their potential mates aren't interesting people, and for lack of time.
Phantom888 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 You are obviously looking for nice, honorable men who will respect you. There are plenty out there, so don't settle for a horny-man-child who is only out for sex. A good man will take the time to know you, and won't overwhelm you with sex stuff. You want to be courted and wooed, not picked up like some cheap trick. Take your time and keep your antennas up. Decent men will always respect women and their boundaries. 3
KungFuJoe Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Not all men are like that. I hesitate to call them men...more like boys. Anyways...you're just having a bad run of "luck" or you're picking the wrong guys to date. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with...EVER.
Sunshine87 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Well done for having standards! I wish I had joined loveshack when I was younger. I would have avoided a lot of mistakes. The other posters have said it all. Just want to add that there is a high possibility of naked pictures leaking to the public, especially among youngsters who are careless. So aside from moral reasons against sending nude pictures, there are pragmatic reasons too. I think you have a good head on your shoulders. A guy who sends you a naked picture so early on is really up to no good. He probably sends pictures to many other girls too. My friend's younger sister is about 19 years old and she is dating a decent and responsible boy. There are people within that age group who conduct themselves with some level of respect. So don't believe that you need to cmrpomise in order to find a relationship at this age. When you get out of a long term relationship, it's common to meet a lot of weird guys before you find someone decent enough. Don't compromise. You will meet someone whom you have peace about. Keep seeking advice.
Author CorridorE Posted June 23, 2013 Author Posted June 23, 2013 You are obviously looking for nice, honorable men who will respect you. There are plenty out there, so don't settle for a horny-man-child who is only out for sex. A good man will take the time to know you, and won't overwhelm you with sex stuff. You want to be courted and wooed, not picked up like some cheap trick. Take your time and keep your antennas up. Decent men will always respect women and their boundaries. Just look at this way. An average guy today can usually get sex pretty easily compared to before where you had to take the girl out, swoon her and develop a relationship. I'm not saying guys can't do that, or shouldn't anymore, it's just that it's all about ease. Lots of guys like this ease, as it puts a lot less pressure on relationships and focuses on getting it in. The other point to acknowledge is that, as hppr already said, these tactics actually work. There are girls out there who are just as eager as the guys to jump right into sex and get that instant gratification. So if you consider that, then a lot of guys know that instead of going the old fashion route, they can just move on to different girls who are down to have sex pretty much right off the bat. Very true, thank you Phantom. I've stopped talking to those guys, but now I have a better understanding of why men sometimes do these things. Next time if it happens... I suppose I'll keep getting to know them and play along for a bit while letting them know I'm not the type of girl who engages in sex early on and see whether they respect that and really want an honest relationship, or just continue the sex talk. If so, I'll move along and look for someone that respects my personal decisions and who I can be myself around without feeling pressured or concern.
white Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Honestly? You might like to consider a slightly older man, mid 20's+. There'll be a much higher percentage who won't engage in this sort of behaviour. Sometimes I fear for the future, really. What has to get into a mans head to make him think sending unsolicited dick pics is the way to go, rather than the creepiest most tasteless god damn thing imaginable? And a womans head to support such behaviour enough for him to think that? 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Here's a little background... it will lead into my question. My ex and I broke up about five months ago after being togther three years. I'm young, and I began seeing him at 15; we broke up when I was 18. I lost my virginity to him at 17 after dating for two and a half years, and he lost his to me (19). Now I'm slowly starting to date again, and so far I have been non-exclusively seeing/talking to three guys over the past few months (not at the same time). These guys all start out seeming very nice, but they've all tried to jump into the sexual stuff with me alrealy. For the next serious guy I date I know it's unlikely I will wait as long as I did the first time, and I don't expect nor require that he will be a virgin because everyone has a past... however, I'm not even officially with these guys and it seems odd to me. I was begining to like one guy after a few dates, but then one night when texting, out of no where he asked for pictures. I sent him a normal picture of me head and shoulders smiling, and he said he wanted to see all of me. I told him I was in no way comfortable with that and he wasn't going to get anything like that from me, and he said all right it's fine, but proceeded to send me a naked picture of himself. It really startled me and turned me off to him because I think seeing someone naked should for the first time should be special and that... idk. Another guy seemed okay and we were flirting through text one night and he startd the what do you want to do with me?/I want you stuff... and I just hate that he did it so early on. I was just getting to know him. I'm no prude; my ex and I did other things and sexted before having sex, but that all happened after we had really gotten to know each other very well as people, and had already begun falling for each other. Now my question is, since I'm a bit older now and most people my age have some experience (18-22 yo), is this something that is common? Jumping right into sexual stuff early on? I'm still uncomfortable with it and will not give in to anything I'm not ready for, but is this something I have to expect with most guys? Or are these just the wrong kind of men? I'm really wondering because I loved the slow way my relationship with my ex started, but I wonder if it was only like that because we were so young. Nope. Not normal. If a guy asks for naked pictures or sends them its a total turn off. That being said, jumping into sex early on IS normal [more acceptable actually, and not required.]. It is still possible to take a relationship slow. I only got uncomfortable sex wise with guys who were totally all wrong for me or JUST wanted sex. So, that being said, it is very possible to find a guy who will take things slow... not sure how slow you are talking, because two years is definitely not the norm, and that is more or a young teenager thing.
StanMusial Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 I don't know where or how you met those guys. My advice is simple. Be careful who you associate with. Hang out with people, guys and girls, who have a similar outlook and morality to yours.
Author CorridorE Posted June 24, 2013 Author Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) Nope. Not normal. If a guy asks for naked pictures or sends them its a total turn off. That being said, jumping into sex early on IS normal [more acceptable actually, and not required.]. It is still possible to take a relationship slow. I only got uncomfortable sex wise with guys who were totally all wrong for me or JUST wanted sex. So, that being said, it is very possible to find a guy who will take things slow... not sure how slow you are talking, because two years is definitely not the norm, and that is more or a young teenager thing. No, I don't expect to wait nearly that long again. Although my ex and I had both been in other relationships before, ours was the only one that had really meant something to either of us, so we did a lot of figuring out together. In those three years and the five months post-break up I've learned a lot about relationships and about myself and I'm ready to try again with someone new, but I just want it to be someone who wants to take time for us to really know each other and begin falling in love first. I'd like to think it would be about 4-6 months for the next guy I am serious about, but I think it just really depends on when it feels right and comfortable for both people. I'm so glad to hear that those guys' behavior is not normal among most men. Edited June 24, 2013 by CorridorE
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