eastcoastgirl88 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Hey everyone-- I'm curious about this because it seems to happen to me every once in awhile. I'll go out on a first date with a guy or meet a guy out, we'll have a great time, he will immediately follow-up with me the next day via text, and if I'm busy and don't reply RIGHT away or give a short-ish/not super chatty reply, that's the end of it from him. I don't really care because there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I can't believe these dudes take my "not super chatty" responses as a full-on rejection. It's like if I don't engage in some full-blown text convo with him he's DONE! Which I will admit, I do do if I am SUPER interested in the guy. But it's not like I don't like the guy at all. It's just that I may be too busy/distracted to give a really detailed response. Guys of LS...what is your take? Are you really THAT scared of rejection that unless you get a novel text message you assume I don't like you?
Lansing Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I think most guys have heard over and over again if she doesn't respond, she isnt' interested, move on. If she takes ages to respond, she isn't interested, move on. But, I think for girls there is different level of interest (as you pointed out). I imagine if you met someone randomly and had a bit of an initial attraction/interest in him you might not put that much value in it as you have your "normal" life to deal with but would be curious to see where things go. It is up to the guy at that point to peak your interest more. Most guys will take any resitance/non-interest as a sign to just move on. I think the biggest reason why is because they have been trained to not look like a "creep" or a "stalker". It is tough sometimes to to guage a girls interest level. I have female friends who tell me about these guys who keep texting them/etc but the girl have not been blunt and told the guy "I am not interested" so they still figure they have a chance even if the girl isn't responding or only responding ever few messages. The guy is often left to interpret what the girl is truly meaning by her brief texts and if he feels like he is being brushed off he will just move on. I had this one girl be pretty quiet in our communications so I just didn't bother for a few weeks. I was in her area so I touched base with her and she was all mad that I hadn't been in touch with her although to me she was giving me all of the signs of brushing me off. In the end, I didn't pursue it because I wasn't interested enough to deal with her flakiness.
Imajerk17 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) Personally I've learned to not put too much stock in that sort of thing. It wouldn't faze me to the point of not pursuing. You're returning communication so likely it's still on is how I would see it. Anyway, the way I think MOST guys are though, there has to be enthusiasm in your response back. No novel or long conversation needed but hopefully you are using exclamations, emoticons, and maybe even the person's name. I'm thinking of a text I got after I met a girl out. I texted her an hour after meeting her telling her it was great meeting her and good luck on her project tomorrow. She writes me back that morning "Thanks! Hope you have a good day too". I DID call her the next night BUT I didn't have a good feeling doing so with her lukewarm response back, AND more to the point I think most guys would have taken her response back as rejection and NOT called her as I had. (Why would they have taken her text as rejection? No name no mention that it was good to meet me ect. Sounded only polite...) We did end up meeting up after though.... Edited June 21, 2013 by Imajerk17
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 In my experience, if a guy is interested - he will pursue even if he gets a lukewarm reply and OFTEN with no reply at all. Personally, I will send polite replies when I am not that interested like the one jerk got. When I am interested, it's all long texts, smileys and exclamation marks, if I can even manage not to text the guy first (which is what I often do ).
Mr.Mango Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 It totally depends, on the guy. Though I agree that some enthusiasm goes a long way. Most guys have less going on than girls, so it's not uncommon for them to get more invested, which tends to blow things up in their head when they don't get the response they were expecting. It's best to be honest, cause you always have various degrees of attraction. Just know that guys can get impatient, or even expect some sort of positive reaction if only out of respect (hey maybe he put a lot of effort/time/money into that date, for example). I'll agree with Eternal Sunshine though, even in worst case scenarios guys will usually stick around if they are interested. You're probably dealing with extremely impatient or immature guys. Either that or guys who are super jaded from being cut off by girls in the past (it happens, outside of your control). I've never heard of a guy quitting because he didn't get a good response right away. I've spoken to some friends of mine (girls) who have had this problem too. It's often a good idea to give an indicator of what's going on after a date. If you're really interested then you might as well express you had a good time and want to go on another date. If your interest is a little lower then you might want to present the possibility of a second date, even if that means figuring out the details later. If you're not interested just be polite and let it go. If he still asks you out a second time express that "You're busy/got a lot going on", most guys will take the hint. In all situations the guy knows quickly what's going on and you can both get on with your lives until the next date (or not). Guys that have trouble sticking to these scenarios are usually too much trouble for what it's worth.
hppr Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I am kinda like that now. When I was 18-22 I would blow up a girl's phone if I liked her and jump at the chance to go on dates, any dates really. But then I was ugly and desperate and that's how you gotta play it if you wanna get anywhere. Now that I'm a bit older, more secure, I know my worth sort of thing I am not really like that. It's no longer about me chasing and winning a girl I just want to meet and date someone who likes me for me. If she doesn't show interest or is flippant/avoidant I just move on. So next time you date a guy send a text back right away. Or at least that day. I had a great time thanks :) I mean is that really hard? And it will go a long ways towards date #2.
hppr Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Personally, I will send polite replies when I am not that interested like the one jerk got. When I am interested, it's all long texts, smileys and exclamation marks, if I can even manage not to text the guy first (which is what I often do ). What she said. Really, it's not hard, if you have time to post here you can send a BS text to a guy. No big deal.
Sunshine87 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 It depends. Some guys like the chase......and will continue to pursue. Some others ( often guys with a lot of options) need some reciprocity in order to sustain interest. You have not told us exactly what you say or how to respond. I can't say for sure if this trend is the result of your actions or not.
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 A guy with options will take short answers as a cowardly way of saying "not interested". Someone who's highly interested will show it in their texts. In your case, the guys take it as you're not interested and aren't brave enough to come out and say it.
hppr Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Another thing I'd add as far as 'chasing' goes...when I was a teen/young adult I 'chased' because I was horny all the time. Now that I'm an adult and I think with my brain rather than my dick I don't do that. In essence, us guys 'grow up' stop chasing women like fools and start thinking about real relationships. And as a result the rules change somewhat.
Woggle Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 If somebody shows any sign of not being interested I am out of there.
Ripnet Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 This is why I will not text. Because you don't know their intentions or even if they are busy or not. Since texts are received and sent right away people expect a quick response. Perhaps, I'm busy right now, could you call me later would be a good text. Stop the texting. Texting can kill relationships and dating.
Woggle Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 This is why I will not text. Because you don't know their intentions or even if they are busy or not. Since texts are received and sent right away people expect a quick response. Perhaps, I'm busy right now, could you call me later would be a good text. Stop the texting. Texting can kill relationships and dating. Exactly. I don't even consider it a real form of communication.
Author eastcoastgirl88 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Thanks for all the replies!! Well, the one I was thinking of that happened recently was a follow-up after a first date. He made some comment about his weekend and then asked what I ended up doing, and I said "Worked unfortunately! :(" I don't get how that's a text convo-killer? LOL.
Estate Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Hey everyone-- I'm curious about this because it seems to happen to me every once in awhile. I'll go out on a first date with a guy or meet a guy out, we'll have a great time, he will immediately follow-up with me the next day via text, and if I'm busy and don't reply RIGHT away or give a short-ish/not super chatty reply, that's the end of it from him. I don't really care because there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I can't believe these dudes take my "not super chatty" responses as a full-on rejection. It's like if I don't engage in some full-blown text convo with him he's DONE! Which I will admit, I do do if I am SUPER interested in the guy. But it's not like I don't like the guy at all. It's just that I may be too busy/distracted to give a really detailed response. Guys of LS...what is your take? Are you really THAT scared of rejection that unless you get a novel text message you assume I don't like you? I may be guilty of this sometimes so I'll try to explain it. If the date was "ok", like maybe I think she's nice but not entirely sure, and I can't realy tell how into things she was on the date.... then I'll usually text a followup afterwards or the next day just saying it was great to meet her, etc, etc... You can get 3 types of responces - No responce... she's not interested, delete her number. - A positive responce where she is "chatty" as you say or makes it known she had a good time or wants to meet again... I'll follow up with her. - A "meh" kind of answer... then it depends, If I'm really into her, I'll give it another shot, she may or may not date me again. If I'm on the fence about it, I'll delete her number and forget about her. The reason is this, most girls will at least be polite and thank you for a good time but if she's not interested in you asking for another date she'll just keep it shot, not "seed" you with something to ask her out again and then I know... don't bother. It sounds like you are probably interested but are just giving a short "thanks...." so the guy will then think... eh, she's not really into this, onto the next girl. I don't know if you're doing this deliberately or not so you don't come off too strong but to be fair, if you want another date, you need to let the guy know. Either on the date you need to make it known you are attracted to him or you need to follow up in a way that seeds him to ask you out again. If a girl is just standoffish on the date, not really revealing any attraction and not really being too enthusiastic with her followup, I'll just forget her... she's going to be an awful lot of work even if she DOES go out with me again so I'd rather date someone who actually IS entusiastic about a date than someone who's not.... those dates are just so much work they are painful... I had a couple of them lately. One girl actually followed up a month later with me... she obviously was wondering why I didn't ask her out again but she played it so cool on the date and didn't give me much of a reply the next day I just coudn't be bothered, I had other girls to see and she was being too much work after just 1 date. If a guy (like who you'l find on LS) has zero options, sure he might chase you. But a guy who has options to date other girls just isn't going to go for the "make him work for it" thing... especially when "it" is just a 2nd date. 1
hppr Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks for all the replies!! Well, the one I was thinking of that happened recently was a follow-up after a first date. He made some comment about his weekend and then asked what I ended up doing, and I said "Worked unfortunately! :(" I don't get how that's a text convo-killer? LOL. Needs to be more open-ended. Like, "work was crazy this past week but I should be free middle of next week/weekend and I was gonna go to" blah blah blah. Phone calls are better than texts as well, honestly texting drives me nuts, especially some of the underlings I have to deal with. I'm not the world's greatest typist but some of the texts I get are horrendous.
hppr Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 If a guy (like who you'l find on LS) has zero options I laughed at that part. Pretty true especially when I read these posts about guys talking themselves up, how they love to chase women etc. No guy with options chases women. You go out, meet em, talk em up, and go on dates. If nothing happens there's another one lined up for next week 1
shexy Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 If a guy didn't answer my texts or just gave short, blow off answers, yes, I would assume he wasn't interested. I mean really, how busy can you be that you can't text "I'm in a meeting right now, chat later...." or "I'm at lunch with my friends....talk to you later...." I'm VERY busy at work, but I can take 3 seconds to text someone back. I don't think anyone expects a novel texted to them every time.
Ripnet Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 If a guy didn't answer my texts or just gave short, blow off answers, yes, I would assume he wasn't interested. I mean really, how busy can you be that you can't text "I'm in a meeting right now, chat later...." or "I'm at lunch with my friends....talk to you later...." I'm VERY busy at work, but I can take 3 seconds to text someone back. I don't think anyone expects a novel texted to them every time. Usually people can't have their cell phone on during meetings. If I"m taking a class there is noway the teacher wouldn't get upset if I started texting someone. Even with email it can be hard to sometimes to communicate the message with the implied tone of the message. It seems to me talking on the phone is a lost art. I will never be in a relationship where I need to text someone. There are tons of reason why a person couldn't text. about 1% of text messages get lost. While it's unlikely to happen to you it can happen. If I want to talk about something important I will call and verify. Even with email I will call if I need to because there are somethings you can't do over email. 1
TheZebra Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Usually people can't have their cell phone on during meetings. If I"m taking a class there is noway the teacher wouldn't get upset if I started texting someone. Even with email it can be hard to sometimes to communicate the message with the implied tone of the message. It seems to me talking on the phone is a lost art. I will never be in a relationship where I need to text someone. There are tons of reason why a person couldn't text. about 1% of text messages get lost. While it's unlikely to happen to you it can happen. If I want to talk about something important I will call and verify. Even with email I will call if I need to because there are somethings you can't do over email. I totally agree with this post.. lol. Are you single? Anyways... I hate people who rely so much on texting. One of my friends is always on the phone texting when we go out. It's so annoying. Put the thing down and let's have a REAL dinner together. It's also difficult to text during work. During work I'm... working. Big shocker there. So if a guy or anyone is texting me during work, they can expect slow replies because I'm busy. Even when I'm home, my phone is not glued to my hip. Sometimes I just leave it in another room for a few hours. Basically, if you want to have a conversation with me, call me or meet up with me. Like a real person. Honestly, the last guy I was interested in REALLY started to turn me off when he was over-texting. We worked in the same building and I would get a ton of back to back texts from him in the middle of the day. It's like... dude, don't you have to work? lol 1
Ripnet Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I totally agree with this post.. lol. Are you single? Anyways... I hate people who rely so much on texting. One of my friends is always on the phone texting when we go out. It's so annoying. Put the thing down and let's have a REAL dinner together. Honestly, the last guy I was interested in REALLY started to turn me off when he was over-texting. We worked in the same building and I would get a ton of back to back texts from him in the middle of the day. It's like... dude, don't you have to work? lol Yes I'm single and nobody can text me since I don't even have a cell phone. And I will not date a some who is text crazy. I hear of people complaining about their date would text other people while on a date. In Japan it's worse people don't talk to each other even in the subway they text to each other. It's crazy. Texting is slow to slow for me anyways. Also people tend to use text speak crap which I can't stand it makes people so lazy.
Estate Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Im a dinosaur. Dont like texting and dont use emoticons in the few texts I send. Neither indicates my interest level. You know some people just dont take texting seriously? My closest female friend takes at least 3 hours to respond to every text I have ever sent her and doesnt put much enthusiasm in them but is the greatest person Ive ever met in terms of friendship. Texting is bad for relationships. So much of what you say is through voice tone and body language. The last time I dated 3 years ago, men who called instead of texted on a daily basis won major brownie points with me. Fair enough but it's part of social interaction now and how you text is how you are perceived... ... so the excuse of "I'm not much of a texter" is all fine and well but you'll suffer the consequences of it.
Star Gazer Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks for all the replies!! Well, the one I was thinking of that happened recently was a follow-up after a first date. He made some comment about his weekend and then asked what I ended up doing, and I said "Worked unfortunately! :(" I don't get how that's a text convo-killer? LOL. In the stages where both parties are probably sitting there wondering, "Is s/he interested?", I personally try to avoid responses that call for him to say something back. So, for what you did... I would have told him I worked over the weekend, but then asked a question about something he'd just mentioned... you know, to keep the conversation going... the same way you would in person.
crude Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 I don't really care because there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I can't believe these dudes take my "not super chatty" responses as a full-on rejection. It's like if I don't engage in some full-blown text convo with him he's DONE! Which I will admit, I do do if I am SUPER interested in the guy. Doesn't that say it all. You don't care if these guys move on because you're just not that into them, but if you are into a guy, you'll behave differently because you don't want to lose him. "She's just not that into you" applies equally to "he's just not that into you". Men for the most part don't want to chase someone who's not very interested in them.
Estate Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Having such a strict attitude about texting shows me the other person doesnt value genuine communication so much and odds are we wont match on some things. I have found men that called me more than texted while dating tended to be less narcissistic and had better manners and class. I call BS on this. You sound like one of those people who enjoy just "being something" for the same of being something.... Like a vegan who really just enjoys going around telling everyone how superior they are rather than keeping it to themselves and just enjoying their perceied health benefit. Sorry but like it or not texting is one part of todays social skills... just because you don't like it doesn't mean that means you won't come off really badly if you refuse to follow the normal. I mean, I don't text much, maybe a few a day, some days I might not send any... but if someone text me or I text them then I'll at least apply some normal etiquette to it. Being lazy or appearing rude by text means you have an inflated opinion of yourself to think it doesn't change how people perceive you.
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