lostinlove101 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I'm in a delicate state so please be gentle. Long story short reconnected with someone I dated 10+ years ago and we hit it off again (recently), enjoyed each others' company etc. When we talked on the phone it was rarely for less than an hour. We dated for about 6 weeks and I asked him what he was looking for in his life (i.e. is he even INTERESTED in a relationship). After that the connection slowly dissolved, he told me I was too "intense." We talked about things briefly after that to wrap things up, but I still am taking his feedback very personally and somehow am making the end of the relationship my fault (in my mind). We've been friends in the past and have agreed to do so again, but now I'm kind of afraid to be me, because I don't understand fully what he meant by intense- his examples of my intensity didn't really make sense to me- I'm pretty self aware and introspective... I guess I'm trying to make peace with this all... His life isn't together, and he is still working on dealing with the break up of his last relationship- so he says. Do I try to reach out to him for further resolution/clarification? Do I wait for him to contact me to continue our friendship? Do I throw the baby out with the bathwater and move the hell on? I'm stumped on it somehow being my fault (even though things are rarely that black and white) and trying to find resolution around that. Thoughts and feedback welcomed. Thanks
saltygirl01 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Gosh that doesn't seem very kind, does it? I am in a situation of my own and trying to heal, but my first thought was you must pick yourself up by your boot straps and move it along. It sounds like there is quite some chemistry and attraction there, but he is either not interested in any relationship or not interested in a serious relationship with you. ouch, that hurts. I would try as hard as you can not to take it personal - you seem like a very level headed person and I think its only natural to take what he said to heart and analyze it. Nice excuse for being able to back out of something too on his part.. I hope you feel better and I hope you realize that it is OK to ask a question like that and it wasn't ok for him to answer you that way. Accountability is a nice thing to have in life and it doesn't sound like he had any in your situation.
aloneinaz Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Though I know it hurts, you need to move forward w/out a person like this in your life. If there was any truth in what he said and you know you need to work on that area, then do. Most time, when people want to stop dating someone, they say all sorts of non-truths to justify the decision. If you feel what he said is inaccurate, then don't worry about it and find someone who will like you for you.
Author lostinlove101 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 (edited) He said he wanted to be friends, that we could still hang out. He's not acting like this is the case. I'm so hurt by his presenting himself one way and then acting differently. I'm still thinking about the person he showed me, I'm attached to that identity and hurt by who he really is. I'm trying to reconcile these two, conflicting perceptions. For example, I can't bring myself to unfriend him on Facebook, but I WANT TO WANT HIM im out of my life.... I didnt want to do anything rash or impulsive like unfriending him because i thought i might change my mind later. instead i put him on restricted mode so I wont see his updates and he cant see my posts. When can I conclude he was just blowing smoke with the lets still be friends or if he really wants to be. I'm feeling a little strung along. ETA: when I was on Facebook Saturday night he messaged me, we chatted briefly, I ended the chat- was exhausted from a long day. I told him I missed him, I didn't get response back about that, but I'm ok with that I wanted to let him know how I felt because that is who I am, I wear my heart on my sleeve and that makes me feel like I'm being authentic. He said he wanted to be friends and we have been in the past. i think being friends was simpler in the past: we went to the same college and were in closer proximity to one another. Life is more complicated now, I'm in grad school and working, he is working PT and trying to get his financial house in order- looking for full time work etc., we don't live near one another ( about 35 miles away). I texted him tonight " How are you doing? Miss chatting with you." He responded said he was at work. I told him some good news about my life and he didn't respond. Fine, if it was a GF of mine I wouldn't take it personally, but of course I take this personally. The good news I shared in my text was something he'd encouraged me on and I was circling back to share the outcome with him. Maybe he was too tired to respond who knows, it just makes me feel like maybe he's be disingenuous with the " lets be friends stuff," and I'm being naive to believe it. Or maybe it takes time to transition from dating to friendship.. I don't know. I tend to think the worst, but also can be a bit naive. Thoughts? Edited June 25, 2013 by lostinlove101
Recommended Posts