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What it's like to be the OW

C00kie

By C00kie
in The Other Man / Woman

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SweetiePie12 Established Member

SweetiePie12

Posted
Posted
Please note to all OW's: jealousy and neediness are NOT attractive to anyone!!!

 

So true. I've been told he loves the fact that I am independent, have my own life, and am not always trying to be "up under" him :laugh:

 

I'm actually more used to him NOT being in my life than I am him being there!

 

I've said the exact same thing to him when our plans have had to change and he sounds more hurt and disappointed than I do.

 

FYI, a truly fabulous woman does not have to fake it, because she is living it every day, in every moment, and in everything she does.

 

Truly!!

 

As I said above, jealousy and neediness detract more from anyone's attractiveness than people realize. Sometimes that's the very qualities that the man is trying to escape from in the woman he is really with, so why on this Earth we call home would you want to present those qualities to him??!!

 

Boom! You are preaching!

 

If I want the man to come and see me, I text him, and then I leave it at that. I don't badger him with repeated requests, because over time they stop being requests and start becoming demands, no matter how sweetly they are presented. And THAT'S when he will decide to cut things off. So, I ask, and then say no more, and go on with my life as though I don't give a spit whether or not I see him again. I've tried this once already (we've only been having face-to-face contact since the end of May, and only twice at that), and it worked like a charm.

 

Brilliant, brilliant. I don't think I've ever asked to see him, technically, even once, come to think of it. Jedi mind tricks :laugh:.

  • Like 1
spice4life Established Member

spice4life

Posted
Posted
Oh, you didn't insult me. Not at all. And we shall have to agree to disagree on a good many of your points. Such as the fact that I have some sort of "right" to give this man hell about our relationship. One thing he will run from is emotional drama of a negative bent (this comes in part from his Martial Arts training). Approaching him with a mature, respectful demeanor is one thing; attacking him or being passive-aggressive or an "emotional female" is another. And he and I had a discussion about that. He doesn't want any drama from me about our relationship because, as he said, I have CHOSEN to be in it; if I don't like the frequency of when he can get away to come and see me or the fact that he had a life BEFORE he met me, then I can choose to walk away.

 

I have chosen this approach because I went through years of doing the emotional twisting and turning as the OP described, and I have made the choice not to put myself through that anymore. For anyone. If my blog weren't set to Friends Only, I would give you the link and you could read my angst with regards to my relationship with this man for yourself. No, for me, my way is far the healthier one than the one the OP described.

 

Your advice might work for you, but it is dangerous advice to give others. The martial arts training thing regarding avoiding drama is pure bunk. He is nothing more than a classic conflict avoider who is not willing acknowledge that your feelings. Its that simple. Expressing your feelings is not drama and its foolish to think otherwise. All you have really done is found a new way to hide your emotions with this man. It may work for you right now, but that will not last forever. That I can guarantee because I've btdt. It's very unrealistic.

 

Expressing emotions is not being an "overly emotional" female nor is it being passive agressive. Emotions a normal part of being human and you are sharing yourself with a man who has brainwashed you into thinking it's not and basically has told you he would abandon you if you exress them. His behavior, my dear, is "passive agressive." It is also abusive.

 

Hey, if it works for you that's great, but it's not realistic. You are actually in a S&M type relatonship if you really think about it. You humbily put in a request to see him and he decides whether or not he will grace you with his presense. Sounds like a really nice man. :confused:

  • Like 3
canuckprincess Established Member

canuckprincess

Posted
Posted
gosh how lucky. I bet you love him unconditionally too. You would have to to put up with him being married and with you for 7 years. :(

 

Are you allowed to date others when he is home with his wife or is that a condition?

 

Allowed??? Omg I'm a 45 year old woman who doesn't need anyone's permission. If and when I choose to date that's my choice. Of course he wouldn't like it and of course he's jealous. I'm sorry if the kind of person who needs permission. Our communication is open and honest, he could lie to me but he doesn't need to.

  • Like 1
ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

canukprincess wrote, " Allowed??? Omg I'm a 45 year old woman who doesn't need anyone's permission. If and when I choose to date that's my choice. Of course he wouldn't like it and of course he's jealous. I'm sorry if the kind of person who needs permission. Our communication is open and honest, he could lie to me but he doesn't need to."

 

I think that In Conjunction With believing MM loves you Unconditionally, it's part of the topic to include more than, "being the OW means MM loves me..."

 

I know that I'm interested in knowing after Eight Years of being an OW, is there freedom in this Unconditional love between you & MM to call when ever you need him? Are there "restrictions" placed upon your A where you are Not permitted to tell others (family, friends etc...) or go to Public places together? Does His Wife know? If there Is any secrecy after All these Years, is it something you still feel "good" about? Is it exciting? Are you resigned and have you submitted to your A and the fact that you will be w/a cheater forever/indefinitely?

 

Just curious as to if there is more to what you feel being an OW*

  • Like 3
canuckprincess Established Member

canuckprincess

Posted
Posted

To sum it all up I'm not in an affair, and haven't been for several years. I've been in a loving committed relationship with a man who just happens to be married. Trust me when I say it's not all rainbows and friggen unicorns, there is plenty of heartache and tears but that's all part of life.

  • Like 1
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
To sum it all up I'm not in an affair, and haven't been for several years. I've been in a loving committed relationship with a man who just happens to be married. Trust me when I say it's not all rainbows and friggen unicorns, there is plenty of heartache and tears but that's all part of life.

 

What's the difference between an affair and being with a married man? Is he married but separated where his wife knows he dates?

  • Like 1
Sarabi Established Member

Sarabi

Posted
Posted
What's the difference between an affair and being with a married man? Is he married but separated where his wife knows he dates?

 

She says it is a loving, committed relationship.

From the way it was put, I can only assume this means the man loves her and she loves him...:love: and...as a result of this, he is committed to cheating on his wife :laugh:

 

Life isn't easy but I am going to go all Pierre on you here and ask (Canuck) why don't you demand more for yourself? 7+ yrs? :( its been a while, you could easily be his wife right now. Or are you comfortable with your relationship as long as you have him?

  • Like 3
snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

Posted
Posted
To sum it all up I'm not in an affair, and haven't been for several years. I've been in a loving committed relationship with a man who just happens to be married.

 

Yeesh.....

  • Like 3
JustAReformedGirl Established Member

JustAReformedGirl

Posted
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No offense, Canuck, but you seem to be in a state of denial. What you're in is, in fact, an affair. It's been a long one, I'll give you that-but the man is married. Are you really happy staying the OW? If not, is he going to leave his wife? I'm willing to bet that's a resounding "No". If he was going to leave her for you, he would have done it long before now.

 

On top of that, if he were to leave her, it shouldn't be to jump straight into a relationship with an AP.

 

if you're happy with the way things are, by all means, keep it going. I do feel sorry for his wife, mind you; if a D-Day ever occurs, it's going to be a doozy.

  • Like 4
SweetiePie12 Established Member

SweetiePie12

Posted
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He's with his wife.

 

Sounds like he's with her, too.

 

So you would be comfortable telling him you are going on a date?

 

She already stated they have open communication :confused:

SweetiePie12 Established Member

SweetiePie12

Posted
Posted
Hour morning hour at night. His commute to and from work? :laugh: He wouldn't want to be bored on that drive now would he and you were there happily entertaining him feeling loved dropping whatever you had to because those were the two hours he could freely talk to you.

 

Maybe people who love one another make the time to talk. Perhaps she made him a priority because she cares.

snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

Posted
Posted
No offense, Canuck, but you seem to be in a state of denial. What you're in is, in fact, an affair. It's been a long one, I'll give you that-but the man is married. Are you really happy staying the OW? If not, is he going to leave his wife? I'm willing to bet that's a resounding "No". If he was going to leave her for you, he would have done it long before now.

 

On top of that, if he were to leave her, it shouldn't be to jump straight into a relationship with an AP.

 

if you're happy with the way things are, by all means, keep it going. I do feel sorry for his wife, mind you; if a D-Day ever occurs, it's going to be a doozy.

 

Based on her past posts, he told W well over a year ago, promised he was leaving and did not.

  • Like 2
SweetiePie12 Established Member

SweetiePie12

Posted
Posted
Based on her past posts, he told W well over a year ago, promised he was leaving and did not.

 

Ah. Broken promises. Never a positive omen.

LilGirlandOW Established Member

LilGirlandOW

Posted
Posted

My typical day as the OW;

 

Most days he, some days I send the Goodmorning/i miss you text, but we always start out day this way,

 

Random texts throughout the day to see what eachother are up to,

 

most days we meet for lunch/coffee/walk something to see eachother,

 

He comes by after work and we watch TV, cuddle and talk about life, work, etc

 

We end the day with a goodnight/i love you text

 

We send on average 150 texts a day, I try to let him initiate communication, for various reasons.... my biggest being I like to know I was on his mind and not he's responding cause I'm bugging him, I love when he sends me texts during important events, feels like I'm there with him :)

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The downside;

 

in our 9mnth A, he has gone on a vacation for 12 days and we were NC cause he left the country, that was at the very begining of A and it sucked!

 

Although he admits I deserve and need more of him, I'm still his secret, oddly to everybody but his family,

 

He goes home to BS most nights, thats a kick in the teeth, see I try to be independent, but I am really aching for more of him, like big time.

LilGirlandOW Established Member

LilGirlandOW

Posted
Posted

but the great thing of his trip was as soon as he came across the border, I got the sweetest middle of the night text, that made it all worth while :) and we spent alot of time catching up...

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I think that saying plays a HUGE role in the A dynamic? Its hard to get sick of somebody you spend so much time missing, where the addiction comes in too though, if you could only spend enough time with said AP, breaking off A may be easier for us OW.

 

Seems my biggest fear in life lately is the dreaded NC withdrawl, I commend every xOW whos come out of that alive and stronger because of it, I feel like that really is my biggest fear in life right now.

  • Like 1
Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted
Oh, you didn't insult me. Not at all. And we shall have to agree to disagree on a good many of your points. Such as the fact that I have some sort of "right" to give this man hell about our relationship. One thing he will run from is emotional drama of a negative bent (this comes in part from his Martial Arts training). Approaching him with a mature, respectful demeanor is one thing; attacking him or being passive-aggressive or an "emotional female" is another. And he and I had a discussion about that. He doesn't want any drama from me about our relationship because, as he said, I have CHOSEN to be in it; if I don't like the frequency of when he can get away to come and see me or the fact that he had a life BEFORE he met me, then I can choose to walk away.

 

I have chosen this approach because I went through years of doing the emotional twisting and turning as the OP described, and I have made the choice not to put myself through that anymore. For anyone. If my blog weren't set to Friends Only, I would give you the link and you could read my angst with regards to my relationship with this man for yourself. No, for me, my way is far the healthier one than the one the OP described.

 

I fully respect having to agree to disagree. Like I said you sound so strong and I hope it's a strength that you have right to your core. It's impossible to say my feelings should be someone else's and vice versa. We're all different people and involved with different people. My concern is that by quelching some of these feelings and thoughts you're losing yourself. You seem pretty self aware and if you're reading in here you'll see a few others who did lose themselves after a strong start. I almost did. I'm sorry about the angst you've suffered but like you said the changes you've made are working for you now.

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted
I've been an OW for 8 years to the same man and, quite frankly, I used to be able to relate to this list, but I realized finally that the only way to be in a relationship like that is this:

 

~ No matter WHAT the status of it, remember that he is not "yours" no matter how much you want him to be. You are not allowed to be jealous, possessive, or demanding of his time and, if you are, you run the risk that he will leave you and find another woman who is more secure in herself and understanding of his situation when it comes to balancing his time between his wife/domestic partner (the guy I am involved with is in a domestic partnership, not a marriage), work, free time, and you. Being demanding and letting my emotions rule me was a mistake I made so many times with him and the fact that there is a 34-year age difference between us put me at a further disadvantage, because he is at an age where he doesn't have to put up with anyone's BS, especially not from one young enough to be his daughter. He is also retired from the USPS, works 40 hours/week as an apartment leasing consultant, plus bowls in 2 leagues, teaches private Karate lessons, and works as a DJ. Plus his mother is 92 years old, and she comes first over everything and everybody else in his life. So, how dare I put the pressure on him to put time with me first?

 

~ Cultivate a full life, one that has nothing whatsoever to do with him. This way you won't be "agonizing while waiting" for that communication or visit. Wasting your precious life pining over him while he is off living his life is a pathetic waste of time you will never get back. Aside from working 40 hours/week, I bicycle for exercise (riding at least 25 miles at a time, several times/week), I contra dance several times/month (which is also a major social outlet), and I have a voracious appetite for developing my mind and spirit along with my body. That way, when he does come over, we have something to talk about that is far more interesting, substantial and POSITIVE than how many tears I've cried since the last time we saw each other (because I don't cry for him).

 

~ Take what he says as the truth, even when you know it isn't. I'm in the position right now where he is telling me that he is completely single after he and his gf broke up last year, but I know for a fact that he has moved back in with her. But am I going to say anything? Absolutely not. We've just come back into contact after being estranged for over a year, and the intimacy has been awesome, so no way in hell am I going to rock the boat. I wouldn't be his gf anyway - I am not looking for a "relationship" with anyone (I am actually in favor of open relationships, plus I am too busy to devote my time exclusively to one person to the detriment of my personal pursuits), plus I already know he has a tendency to play fast and loose with the truth. This way, I don't have to worry about his absences due to his being "busy", because given that I am his OW, NOT his gf, they are none of my business.

 

In short, I just go on with my life and think, when he wants to see me, he will make the effort. He's far from being the only egg in my basket. I would have a full, satisfying life even if he wasn't in it.

 

Autumn, while I really like your pragmatic approach, and one I take as well I don't agree with your full structure. It really varies by individuals in it.

 

In my case, I absolutely expected to be placed first at times. The opposite of your view point on him being married, having me as his mistress was a very special honor for him so being married and having to jump through hoops because of it was his baby to rock not mine and not a concession I needed to make.

 

I had little interest in being with a married man so the concessions I made were allowing it to continue, everything else was on him including a timeline when he would divorce. I also had expectations that we would run pretty similar to any other couple, time spent talking, in person, overnights, trips, meeting people in each other's lives. If that wasn't acceptable for him then he was more than welcome to walk.

 

While I am not a jealous person, I have expectations and priority and if he were to find me easily replaceable then I would rather know that sooner than later.

 

I completely agree with cultivating a full life and that doesn't change even if the relationship style does. I have greatly learned that men are the icing on the cake, not the cake.

 

And I take the truth as the truth. If I am lied to then holy hell is raised. I look at actions over words but we will have discussions about the lies from both sides, the reasons why, and what they are trying to solve. We will do (and have done) therapy to work through issues and we will work on having healthy skills to have a healthy relationship.

 

But all of my reasons are on the basis that the affair was a means to an end, a short term solution, not a lifestyle choice for me. So knowing that we were building foundation for a future relationship made many of the above imperative. Now that we are married it as served us well.

canuckprincess Established Member

canuckprincess

Posted
Posted (edited)
She says it is a loving, committed relationship.

From the way it was put, I can only assume this means the man loves her and she loves him...:love: and...as a result of this, he is committed to cheating on his wife :laugh:

 

Life isn't easy but I am going to go all Pierre on you here and ask (Canuck) why don't you demand more for yourself? 7+ yrs? :( its been a while, you could easily be his wife right now. Or are you comfortable with your relationship as long as you have him?

 

I guess I'm not as needy as some woman, my life and my happiness is not defined by another human being. I have known many couples that dated for years without marrying or living together. Unlike some I don't need a man to support me.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 2
William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

As the thread starter has not returned to our forums or this thread for a number of days, I'm going to close this. They can alert moderation if/when they return. Thanks.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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