Frustrated with boyfriend's communication and indecisiveness

[NoMoreJerks]

That's interesting NoMoreJerks... I hadn't thought of it in quite that way before, and I see what you're saying.

 

A mother will always be the mother - she'll never stop loving you even if you treat her like junk. So by taking the mother role (or in my case the father role), you're just paving the way to be taken for granted and disregarded.

 

Hmmmm. Thanks for making that point!

Cheers,

Sunlight

Hope that makes some sense to some people! I think my time with my ex, and my experiences with him (he was also NPD, mind you) taught me a thing or two, I guess.

[Sunlight72]

Hi SoulSoldier,

did you happen to read what I wrote earlier about the two personalities in each person? One is what we say. One is who we are in the attitudes and actions we use.

 

You are saying one thing, but actually doing the opposite.

 

SoulSoldier-

I'm not trying to change him,

Yes, that is exactly what you are doing.

 

SoulSoldier-

We're set to see each other on Sunday. I plan on bringing all of this up to him.... And if he reverts to his old ways, I'm also done.

Old Ways??!?? His "old ways" are HIM. They aren't his "old ways" at all. You just met him!

They are his current ways, his natural ways!!! Let him be himself.

 

SoulSoldier-

He'd have this same issue no matter who he dated

How the hell do you know? It's none of your business! You're not his mother! Why do you get to decide how he should behave?

 

SoulSoldier-

I'm trying to give him a chance to grow up and move forward. If he's not ready to do so, I'm ready to move on without him and find someone who will prioritize me.

Do you see that "growing up and moving forward" is changing? You want to change him. You say if he doesn't change ("grow up and move forward") you will leave him. Just Leave Him Now. Leave Him Alone.

 

You want him to change to make you 'happy'. Just leave him alone, and work on yourself - it will benefit you much more I know from personal experience.

 

SoulSoldier-

I'm going to make it crystal clear that things need to change if we are to continue this relationship.

Oh I see. "Things" need to change. So you're not trying to change "him", you're trying to change "things". Ahhh, good. That will work then.

 

By the way, what things are You going to change about yourself?

 

Ooops - you didn't mean that you would change anything, because you're perfect the way you are, it's just this guy who is out of alignment.

 

Really, I am trying to help you understand that you can improve your life by changing yourself. It worked for you earlier (you say you changed from a colder person to a more caring, patient one). It worked for me! Keep growing! You are doing better at Life all the time, but you're (and I'm) not done yet

 

If you're ready, here's a Big One you could work on. Get honest with yourself about what you want, and what you do with your desires and actions. Then make your actions match your words. This is Very Difficult, and Very Wonderful when you actually make it happen.

 

SoulSoldier-

I'm fine with being alone until I find the right person. I've never been the type who needs to be in a relationship to be happy, but I'm also the type who won't take a relationship that's making me miserable. And currently, this relationship is hurting more than helping my life. And I'd rather not waste time with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

If this were true, you would have accepted your boyfriend the way he is, and then chosen to stop seeing him and stop inviting him into your life. Work harder to actually Do what you Say you are doing. Currently they don't match up. You are being dishonest with yourself.

 

I'd rather be happy single than miserable in an unfulfilling relationship.

If you are going to say this, then mean it and make it happen. Don't try to change a brand new unfulfilling relationship into something it's not. Accept that it is not a fulfulling relationship and then leave it be. Free up the space in your heart and in your life to welcome in a healthy, fulfilling relationship when one does enter your life.

 

 

Keep growing and working to accept others as they are, and work on self-examination - it is sooo worth it

 

Accepting someone as they are doesn't mean you 'forgive' them for being who they are. It doesn't mean you 'put up with' them being who they are. It doesn't mean you 'love them even though they are messed up'.

 

It means you don't judge them in the first place.

 

You can choose to invite them or dis-invite them to be part of your life, but you do not think of ways they could be 'better'.

 

So, why is it my place to 'help' you by being so critical? Who am I that I'm so great?

 

Well, I'm not so great. I'm just a person who has struggled through 20 years of crushingly painful relationships, and finally learned how to find and cultivate a good, healthy, fun one. I would Love to help even one other person skip 15 years of heartache and confusion and instead enjoy life If that person is you, and this is the time that you are ready to hear these words and invest the honesty and work to make your life better from here forward, then Yay You!!

 

You posted on this forum asking for advice, so I am hopeful that you will be more receptive to help than I was, and spend some thoughtful time in honest self-examination and perhaps change your life patterns before they hurt you more.

 

Please try to benefit from the experience and heartfelt suggestions of myself and the other people who have posted here.

 

Best Wishes, truly,

Sunlight

[Sunlight72]

Hope that makes some sense to some people! I think my time with my ex, and my experiences with him (he was also NPD, mind you) taught me a thing or two, I guess.

I don't know what NPD is.

 

Is that a clinical term for P.I.t.A.? I was married to someone who had several clinical terms I tried to understand for years, and then I finally did understand (ha ha ha). Things became much clearer all of the sudden! ha

[miss_jaclynrae]

Three weeks in.Nope. I wouldn't put up with it.

[SoulSoldier]

Hi SoulSoldier,

did you happen to read what I wrote earlier about the two personalities in each person? One is what we say. One is who we are in the attitudes and actions we use.

 

You are saying one thing, but actually doing the opposite.

 

Yes, that is exactly what you are doing.

 

Old Ways??!?? His "old ways" are HIM. They aren't his "old ways" at all. You just met him!

They are his current ways, his natural ways!!! Let him be himself.

 

How the hell do you know? It's none of your business! You're not his mother! Why do you get to decide how he should behave?

 

Do you see that "growing up and moving forward" is changing? You want to change him. You say if he doesn't change ("grow up and move forward") you will leave him. Just Leave Him Now. Leave Him Alone.

 

You want him to change to make you 'happy'. Just leave him alone, and work on yourself - it will benefit you much more I know from personal experience.

 

Oh I see. "Things" need to change. So you're not trying to change "him", you're trying to change "things". Ahhh, good. That will work then.

 

By the way, what things are You going to change about yourself?

 

Ooops - you didn't mean that you would change anything, because you're perfect the way you are, it's just this guy who is out of alignment.

 

Really, I am trying to help you understand that you can improve your life by changing yourself. It worked for you earlier (you say you changed from a colder person to a more caring, patient one). It worked for me! Keep growing! You are doing better at Life all the time, but you're (and I'm) not done yet

 

If you're ready, here's a Big One you could work on. Get honest with yourself about what you want, and what you do with your desires and actions. Then make your actions match your words. This is Very Difficult, and Very Wonderful when you actually make it happen.

 

If this were true, you would have accepted your boyfriend the way he is, and then chosen to stop seeing him and stop inviting him into your life. Work harder to actually Do what you Say you are doing. Currently they don't match up. You are being dishonest with yourself.

 

If you are going to say this, then mean it and make it happen. Don't try to change a brand new unfulfilling relationship into something it's not. Accept that it is not a fulfulling relationship and then leave it be. Free up the space in your heart and in your life to welcome in a healthy, fulfilling relationship when one does enter your life.

 

 

Keep growing and working to accept others as they are, and work on self-examination - it is sooo worth it

 

Accepting someone as they are doesn't mean you 'forgive' them for being who they are. It doesn't mean you 'put up with' them being who they are. It doesn't mean you 'love them even though they are messed up'.

 

It means you don't judge them in the first place.

 

You can choose to invite them or dis-invite them to be part of your life, but you do not think of ways they could be 'better'.

 

So, why is it my place to 'help' you by being so critical? Who am I that I'm so great?

 

Well, I'm not so great. I'm just a person who has struggled through 20 years of crushingly painful relationships, and finally learned how to find and cultivate a good, healthy, fun one. I would Love to help even one other person skip 15 years of heartache and confusion and instead enjoy life If that person is you, and this is the time that you are ready to hear these words and invest the honesty and work to make your life better from here forward, then Yay You!!

 

You posted on this forum asking for advice, so I am hopeful that you will be more receptive to help than I was, and spend some thoughtful time in honest self-examination and perhaps change your life patterns before they hurt you more.

 

Please try to benefit from the experience and heartfelt suggestions of myself and the other people who have posted here.

 

Best Wishes, truly,

Sunlight

 

Sunlight, I didn't see it but I appreciate it. I feel more of an explanation on my part is necessary.

 

First, I'm not perfect and yes I have changed things for the better on my part. Case in point, I had a bad habit at first of picking fights over stupid stuff. He told me it bothered him. We came to an agreement. I haven't made that mistake anymore. I've tried to be supportive and caring. If another problem were to come up and he were to mention it to me, and it was a reasonable request, I would gladly do my part.

 

When I say how he was before, I am speaking of the first week we were officially in a relationship. Things were different. This is before work got crazy for him, his sleep pattern was disrupted etc. He was more affectionate and just like he was before we met (when things were strictly online).

 

The person he is now is not the same one as the one I've known for the better part of 3 months. The person he is now is downtrodden, tired, negative, just not the same. Everything he's described to me as well as his recent actions seem to point to one thing: depression. He's told me that he's been going through some internal processing the past couple weeks.

 

Now I'm pretty sure he wasn't faking his personality the first 2.5 months I knew him, so I'm also pretty sure his issues now aren't who he really is. And if I'm wrong about that then, yes, I would be changing him and that's not fair. However, if I'm right, I would be giving him a chance to get better and see if things return to how they were before. If not, we're simply not a match and will move on.

 

I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. In this case, it means a couple weeks to see if he gets himself feeling better and if things improve. If they don't, we move on separately. If they do, this relationship goes further. I love to help people, but at the same time I don't believe in letting myself get walked all over.

 

FWIW, he and I talked today. He seems to be finally realizing that he's going through something and he wants to talk to me in more detail about it tomorrow. This was, of course, after he accused me of trying to pick a fight because I merely asked him if what he was going through had anything to do with not wanting to continue our relationship. This was after he had told me he wants to see me 3 days next week. He said that him suggesting those 3 days implies that he obviously does want to continue the relationship. I told him sorry and that I wasn't going to pick a fight over something stupid--those days are over--that I just wanted clarification and that I was more than happy to wait til tomorrow to discuss things with him. We patched it up, he seems sincere and I'm willing to hear him out tomorrow.

[hellischrome]

So he is already telling you he wants to see you three times next week - what are you, someone that he can book when and how he wants? Did he ask you if it was OK with you and what if you wanted to see him more? Looks like the guy is not doing much effort and I know exactly how you are feeling because I have been going through the same thing for a few months now. And I tell, it does not change. It will only change when one of you will be sick of it and will end things -most probably him, if he has the guts to do it, or you, because you will be so tired and he will push you to do that.

 

I know you are thinking that none of us understand and know how he is and what is between the two of you, so you will do anyway exactly what your heart says - which is giving him a chance, and then another one, and then other one. Just try not to make this mistake, or you will find yourself in my current situation, where from the one who gives chances you will become the one who is begging for one.

[SoulSoldier]

So he is already telling you he wants to see you three times next week - what are you, someone that he can book when and how he wants? Did he ask you if it was OK with you and what if you wanted to see him more? Looks like the guy is not doing much effort and I know exactly how you are feeling because I have been going through the same thing for a few months now. And I tell, it does not change. It will only change when one of you will be sick of it and will end things -most probably him, if he has the guts to do it, or you, because you will be so tired and he will push you to do that.

 

I know you are thinking that none of us understand and know how he is and what is between the two of you, so you will do anyway exactly what your heart says - which is giving him a chance, and then another one, and then other one. Just try not to make this mistake, or you will find yourself in my current situation, where from the one who gives chances you will become the one who is begging for one.

 

Regarding the frequency--we had mutually agreed before that we wanted to see one another 2-3 times a week. So it's not like he's booking me.....he knows on specific days I am not available.

[hellischrome]

SoulSoldier, it's pretty clear to me that everything you read "against him" doesn't really interest you as probably you are looking for some kinda confirmation that what you are doing is right. I doubt you will find that kind of confirmation here, but you and only you know him, yourself and your heart. You know what you want to do already, so just go for it. You also perfectly know that in case, is gonna be harder at the end but I understand that now for you it doesn't matter, as you wanna be with him now.

 

Trust me, as I said I am exactly the same and everytime I read or hear something I don't wanna hear I just try to justify him and the whole situation.

 

The thing that you hold on this much means something - as long as you are aware of the whole situation.

[SoulSoldier]

SoulSoldier, it's pretty clear to me that everything you read "against him" doesn't really interest you as probably you are looking for some kinda confirmation that what you are doing is right. I doubt you will find that kind of confirmation here, but you and only you know him, yourself and your heart. You know what you want to do already, so just go for it. You also perfectly know that in case, is gonna be harder at the end but I understand that now for you it doesn't matter, as you wanna be with him now.

 

Trust me, as I said I am exactly the same and everytime I read or hear something I don't wanna hear I just try to justify him and the whole situation.

 

The thing that you hold on this much means something - as long as you are aware of the whole situation.

 

Actually it does interest me. Having heard what I've heard has helped me to realize that the way he's been acting is not alright and is not something I want to continue. When I say I'm giving him the next week or two to improve things (both in his life and our relationship) I mean it. I am fully prepared to move on without him if this does not happen because the last thing I want is to be in a relationship long term with someone who doesn't meet my needs, just as I wouldn't want to continue something if I'm not meeting their needs.

 

So hearing the negatives about him actually is beneficial for me and it's something I don't ignore. It's something I factor into the whole situation. Yes, I know him and myself better than anyone on here could, but I still value the opinions and have found that all of them have helped me to re-evaluate things more objectively.

 

The part about frequency is the truth--I have told him that I prefer 2-3 times a week and that any less than that is just not a good fit for me. And that I prefer to setup dates ahead of time (which is also what he suggested today).

[NoMoreJerks]

He wants to see you 3 times next week ? Wait, what? So he gets to decide how many times you get to see each other? Is that it? So you had agreed you wanted to see each other 2-3 times a week? Fine, but what if you had changed your mind? Did he ask about your needs? If he put it the way you put it, "he wants to see me 3 times next week", he is dictating, not asking. What if you couldn't see him more than once next week, because you had other stuff to do? Wake up, girl, and just dump his sorry *ss. This guy treats you like some sort of colleague he might make an appointment with. A relationship is all about give and take, it's about deciding together. He's doing a "this is what I am doing, take it or leave it". He sounds like my ex, and my ex was not interested in a relationship/ commitment.

 

This guy is probably biding his time until he finds someone "better" to upgrade to. Until then, he's no going to break up, if he can "manage" you and your expectations. If he gets tired, he will want out, and he probably won't do it himself, but will manipulate you by seeming distant, etc., until you get upset and you both fight. Then he will probably go quiet for days, and ignore you completely. Until you've had enough and bring up the idea of breaking up, or break up with him. Usually these sorts of men are too cowardly to do it themselves and don't want to look like the bad guy / have a guilty conscience, but they will keep stringing you along until they get the wanted outcome (breakup) -- it's like slow torture, and a very d*ckish move, and judging by this guy's lack of attention to you and your needs, it might even be the case that he's trying to do this right now. Just because he denied he wants to break up does not mean he doesn't want to break up or that he's interested in you/loves you. He might be trying to make the situation as "realistic" as possible, and not make you suspect that he wanted out the whole time. My ex did this for a while.

Edited June 25, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Divasu]

He wants to see you 3 times next week ? Wait, what? So he gets to decide how many times you get to see each other?

 

Actually, that was the OP's request...

 

The part about frequency is the truth--I have told him that I prefer 2-3 times a week and that any less than that is just not a good fit for me. And that I prefer to setup dates ahead of time (which is also what he suggested today).

[NoMoreJerks]

Actually, that was the OP's request...

Yes, but re-read my edited post:

 

"He wants to see you 3 times next week ? Wait, what? So he gets to decide how many times you get to see each other? Is that it? So you had agreed you wanted to see each other 2-3 times a week? Fine, but what if you had changed your mind? Did he ask about your needs? If he put it the way you put it, "he wants to see me 3 times next week", he is dictating, not asking. What if you couldn't see him more than once next week, because you had other stuff to do?"

[Divasu]

Yes, but re-read my edited post:

 

"He wants to see you 3 times next week ? Wait, what? So he gets to decide how many times you get to see each other? Is that it? So you had agreed you wanted to see each other 2-3 times a week? Fine, but what if you had changed your mind? Did he ask about your needs? If he put it the way you put it, "he wants to see me 3 times next week", he is dictating, not asking. What if you couldn't see him more than once next week, because you had other stuff to do?"

 

I know I'm jumping in late from reading, my apologies.

 

OP in your honest opinion, should it be this difficult so early on? I've run into this before, I know others have as well and if it's this difficult this early on, you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole which does not work. I hope I am wrong though.

[sweetheart5381]

You know, I am sorry to break this to OP but if it doesn't come naturally (seeing one another) it never will. Ya, I feel a lil hurt if my man is too tired to come over after work but he understands. He would be a lil short too if he was hoping to see me and I cancelled... but we talk about that stuff openly. He doesn't have to apologize, we are only human and we always reschedule (for him its the next day).

 

IMO it's all about being on the same wavelength. If you are really into each other you bend

[Drseussgrrl]

Women could make things so much more simple for themselves if they just paid attention to what a man is saying through his ACTIONS, deciding if it works for them, and walking away when it doesn't.

 

When you're dating someone compatible with you, there aren't all of these "discussions" about how they're letting you down. They just ARE. And you don't like it.

 

Get to steppin' and don't waste the pretty on this one.

[Ripnet]

Ok you know your bf is busy man. He's so busy he doesn't see his family. He works a lot. What does he do for you when he's with you? You dated him for 3 months as you stated. Let me tell you that men do it all at first. But as time goes on he will only do what he think makes you happy. You can not expect to do all the things he used to do. It gets tiring after a while. So you need to express those things.

 

Also texting is a waste of time it takes great amount of time to type out a few sentences.

[Ripnet]

Women could make things so much more simple for themselves if they just paid attention to what a man is saying through his ACTIONS, deciding if it works for them, and walking away when it doesn't.

 

When you're dating someone compatible with you, there aren't all of these "discussions" about how they're letting you down. They just ARE. And you don't like it.

 

Get to steppin' and don't waste the pretty on this one.

 

 

Same with women.

[SoulSoldier]

Guys, I believe I was way off in this whole thing. We talked tonight. The issues here aren't even my own. Long story short, but the reason why he's been distant is because he's recently realized (within the past week) that he has a severe problem with forming emotional attachment to people. Apparently this has been an issue for years that he just now realized he had.

 

The issue is, what he told me before doesn't really apply now. He cares about me, yes, but the feeling of emotional attachment and love? It's not there and he's not sure if that will change for him. He is very uncertain of everything right now.

 

The problem is, for me, I already HAVE that emotional attachment to him. I do not love him, but I feel very strongly for him and do not want to just break up with him at this point. Regardless of if I break up with him now or six months down the road, it's going to feel the exact same to me (in other words, it's going to hurt). Part of that is due to him being my first in all regards (and that happened because we thought we loved each other--now he knows he doesn't love me) and part of that is not wanting to prematurely give up on him.

 

Obviously, if he were self-aware of this problem for all the years he's apparently had it, I would chalk it up to him just being this way....and I'd promptly break up. But given the fact that his figuring it out is a recent development.......I'd like to believe there's hope for it changing. And I'm a no regrets type of person, so I'd like to give him a little time to see if it changes. Because regardless, I'm already invested in this and I'd rather give a chance for things to get better than to give up now and then regret it. If it doesn't work out, no matter when that is, it's still going to hurt the same.

 

Anyone have experience with guys who are emotionally empty?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Guys, I believe I was way off in this whole thing. We talked tonight. The issues here aren't even my own. Long story short, but the reason why he's been distant is because he's recently realized (within the past week) that he has a severe problem with forming emotional attachment to people. Apparently this has been an issue for years that he just now realized he had.

 

The issue is, what he told me before doesn't really apply now. He cares about me, yes, but the feeling of emotional attachment and love? It's not there and he's not sure if that will change for him. He is very uncertain of everything right now.

 

The problem is, for me, I already HAVE that emotional attachment to him. I do not love him, but I feel very strongly for him and do not want to just break up with him at this point. Regardless of if I break up with him now or six months down the road, it's going to feel the exact same to me (in other words, it's going to hurt). Part of that is due to him being my first in all regards (and that happened because we thought we loved each other--now he knows he doesn't love me) and part of that is not wanting to prematurely give up on him.

 

Obviously, if he were self-aware of this problem for all the years he's apparently had it, I would chalk it up to him just being this way....and I'd promptly break up. But given the fact that his figuring it out is a recent development.......I'd like to believe there's hope for it changing. And I'm a no regrets type of person, so I'd like to give him a little time to see if it changes. Because regardless, I'm already invested in this and I'd rather give a chance for things to get better than to give up now and then regret it. If it doesn't work out, no matter when that is, it's still going to hurt the same.

 

Anyone have experience with guys who are emotionally empty?

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds like an easy way for him to get what he wants.

Course, you are all for it. So good luck with that.

[Sunlight72]

Guys, I believe I was way off in this whole thing. We talked tonight. The issues here aren't even my own. Long story short, but the reason why he's been distant is because he's recently realized (within the past week) that he has a severe problem with forming emotional attachment to people. Apparently this has been an issue for years that he just now realized he had.

 

The issue is, what he told me before doesn't really apply now. He cares about me, yes, but the feeling of emotional attachment and love? It's not there and he's not sure if that will change for him. He is very uncertain of everything right now.

 

The problem is, for me, I already HAVE that emotional attachment to him. I do not love him, but I feel very strongly for him and do not want to just break up with him at this point. Regardless of if I break up with him now or six months down the road, it's going to feel the exact same to me (in other words, it's going to hurt). Part of that is due to him being my first in all regards (and that happened because we thought we loved each other--now he knows he doesn't love me) and part of that is not wanting to prematurely give up on him.

 

Obviously, if he were self-aware of this problem for all the years he's apparently had it, I would chalk it up to him just being this way....and I'd promptly break up. But given the fact that his figuring it out is a recent development.......I'd like to believe there's hope for it changing. And I'm a no regrets type of person, so I'd like to give him a little time to see if it changes. Because regardless, I'm already invested in this and I'd rather give a chance for things to get better than to give up now and then regret it. If it doesn't work out, no matter when that is, it's still going to hurt the same.

 

Anyone have experience with guys who are emotionally empty?

 

So he just explained to you in very sweet words that he will now be treating you like rusty junk, and you've decided that, "Yes! I am happy to be treated like crap - thank you for preparing me! Let's do it :)", because it won't hurt more in 6 months?

 

Sorry to hear that kid. Good luck with the suicide hotline.

[Emilia]

To give an example, he had said our next date would be this weekend. I asked him tonight to give me a date/time, he said he needs more time to figure that out. WTF? It's Friday morning now, I'm trying to figure out what I'll be doing myself this weekend, so it'd be kinda nice to know if I need to carve out some time for him or not, and when that will be. Am I that unreasonable in wanting him to plan days/nights together more than a day or two in advance? Especially when i also have a busy schedule and want to make sure we get time together?

 

Basically, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Here is a guy who is incredible when we're actually together in person. But when we're apart, I feel like he's not making any effort to keep me feeling appreciated and cared about. He claims to care about me and even dropped the love bomb on me, but I don't feel that when we're not together. Is it that much to ask for a simple "missing you" or "thinking of you" text once in a while? Is it that much to ask for him to give me specific dates to get together when he always does things with his friends on Saturday?

 

What do you guys think? Should I bring this up to him (in person) or would it be something that just makes things worse? Should I just consider moving on without him and finding someone else who actually makes time for me? I don't feel like asking for 2-3 nights a week is asking for much, given how he supposedly feels about me......but the way he's acting, the lack of initiation when we're apart, it makes me feel like he isn't as serious about things. Or do you think this is all the depression causing problems?

I think he isn't that interested. I don't think it's anything to do with depression, if he missed his family he would want to see you more to make up for it. I think he is just lukewarm

[Emilia]

Guys, I believe I was way off in this whole thing. We talked tonight. The issues here aren't even my own. Long story short, but the reason why he's been distant is because he's recently realized (within the past week) that he has a severe problem with forming emotional attachment to people. Apparently this has been an issue for years that he just now realized he had.

Yeah, he is not interested. Time to move on.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, I admire your willingness to try, and to stick by someone. But it's time for you to move on. His self diagnosed "problem" is going to magically disappear at some point, when he meets the right one. Sadly, it's just not you. You tried, and you learned. That's what life is about.

[AMusing]

Anyone have experience with guys who are emotionally empty?

 

Yep, I dated a guy who said he realized--8 months into our relationship & after having said he loved me for many months--that he was having issues getting emotionally attached to people. That he felt like he was incapable of loving someone. He also said he could see marrying me in a couple years, that he always enjoyed his time with me, and that he could not imagine a better match for him than me. He had pretty severe PTSD and depression (he was a vet).

 

I chose to believe all of what he said, not just the good parts. I broke up with him, and am very glad I did. He's a good guy, and we're still friendly, but he's a terrible boyfriend. Staying with him would've just delayed (and intensified) the inevitable breakup.

 

See, you are dead wrong when you say breaking up with your guy won't hurt more in 6 months as it would now. The longer you date, the more attached you will become, and the harder breaking up will be. In addition, the longer you stay with a man who can't (or won't) be in a really loving relationship with you, the less time you have to find a really great guy.

[SoulSoldier]

You guys are right. I've spent the majority of today thinking about everything. I feel much differently than I did last night--and honestly what he told me, it blindsided me and the way I reacted isn't really how I feel.

 

I don't know what is really going on with him. After talking it over with a good friend of mine who actually HAS had issues with emotional detachment, we're inclined to think either he's lying to me about the emotional detachment or he knew about it all along and basically hid it from me. We find it hard to believe that he just now discovered it if he thinks it's been an issue for him for 8 years now.

 

Personally, I'm inclined to believe he's assuming this is his problem when in reality, it goes deeper than merely having difficulty with forming emotional bonds with others. Possibly a mental issue.

 

Bottom line is, he's got issues that are beyond my control. I cannot be his therapist. I cannot force him to get help. I cannot tell him what to do, even though being a third party observer, I can see what the next steps for him ought to be. Basically, this is out of my control.

 

The only thing I can control at this point is my own life and relationships. I've decided that until he decides what he really wants out of life and relationships, I'm done being in a relationship with him. I will be his friend but nothing more. I will date others. I cannot solve his problems, much as I'd like to. All I can do is live my own life and hope, for his sake, that he fixes his.

 

ETA: Also, the joke about the suicide hotline....not cool. First I'm not the type to get that invested in a relationship that I'd commit suicide. Second I've already been through depression and am currently managing it well. A relationship failing isn't going to change that.

Edited June 26, 2013 by SoulSoldier