SoulSoldier Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I'm 24, he's 25, we live 15 mins apart. So I met my boyfriend almost 3 months ago online and we've been officially together for 3 weeks now. Things got very serious before we met before slowing down a little after we started dating (the whole transition period). Anyway, there were some initial problems the first week after we got together (mostly issues with my anxiety and starting disagreements over stupid stuff). We agreed to work on things given how much potential we felt we still had together. That was two weeks ago and since then, no disagreements and smooth sailing. I'm feeling much calmer and have been trying to be very understanding of his work schedule and other things. Basically, I've been trying to be a perfect, supportive, encouraging girlfriend. I know I'm not perfect and I acknowledge my role in the disagreements before, which is why I've worked so hard to change that. Except I'm frustrated with him. He's amazing when we're actually together, but this is maybe 2 or 3 nights out of the week (lately two, and this week it might only be one). The rest of the time, we communicate via text and it's very inconsistent. Before we got together (when things were strictly online) our communication was far better. Now I'm the one initiating texts and conversations 9 times out of 10. It makes me feel like he doesn't care about me except when we're together. Work has been crazy for him lately and he's been missing his family (who he can't see due to the work schedule and distance between him and them). It's possible this is the reason why he's so damn uncommunicative when we're not together, that he's a bit distant. But what really hurts me is that I'll say things to try and cheer him up or I'll say "let me know if there's anything I can do to help" and then he'll reply cynically "thanks I will, not sure there is." I'm almost positive he's depressed and in denial of it. I say this as someone who comes from a family with depression (sister, mom, brother all have it, so do I). I recognize the signs of it having gone through it myself. Fortunately mine (and my anxiety) are managed effectively through a combo of medication, cognitive therapy and exercise. He's mentioned that something feels off about him, he can't pinpoint it, that he's unmotivated to do much beyond working. He won't open up to me and talk about it, despite how emotionally close I thought we had gotten over our two months of talking before dating. And he's also incredibly indecisive to the point where he literally cannot plan what he's doing the next day or two, much less months down the road. To give an example, he had said our next date would be this weekend. I asked him tonight to give me a date/time, he said he needs more time to figure that out. WTF? It's Friday morning now, I'm trying to figure out what I'll be doing myself this weekend, so it'd be kinda nice to know if I need to carve out some time for him or not, and when that will be. Am I that unreasonable in wanting him to plan days/nights together more than a day or two in advance? Especially when i also have a busy schedule and want to make sure we get time together? Basically, I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Here is a guy who is incredible when we're actually together in person. But when we're apart, I feel like he's not making any effort to keep me feeling appreciated and cared about. He claims to care about me and even dropped the love bomb on me, but I don't feel that when we're not together. Is it that much to ask for a simple "missing you" or "thinking of you" text once in a while? Is it that much to ask for him to give me specific dates to get together when he always does things with his friends on Saturday? What do you guys think? Should I bring this up to him (in person) or would it be something that just makes things worse? Should I just consider moving on without him and finding someone else who actually makes time for me? I don't feel like asking for 2-3 nights a week is asking for much, given how he supposedly feels about me......but the way he's acting, the lack of initiation when we're apart, it makes me feel like he isn't as serious about things. Or do you think this is all the depression causing problems?
MrCastle Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Busy people who are truly interested make time. Stop making excuses for him. 15 minutes away? Two nights a week? No texting? Next. 4
Els Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 If there are that many problems three weeks in, IMO it's not worth it. Cut things short, so you'll be single and available for a compatible and interested guy when he comes along. 3
todreaminblue Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) you know personally about depression so what is your heart telling you about your boyfriend?....when you were depressed did you struggle to keep appointments and were you hard to pin down to a certain day and time going by how you felt? some days you might have been ok, other days you felt like total crap where you just didn't want to go out?...so often it was living one day to the next....thats the best that you could do?..i have had those unfortunate things happen due to my own depression.....like today sucks for me...really sucky rainy assed day...i am not going anywhere..even though yesterday i wanted to have a movie night with family....today i just cant.....talk to your boyfriend about depression....what you have gone through in the past ....empathize with what he may be feeling....... maybe talk to him about getting diagnosed by a caring and adept professional first and going from there so there is no guess work and an affirmative plan of action...that being medicinal or holistic......if he is in denial about suffering depression, if that depression is the problem ....its going to be be hard to get through...because honestly.....he won't want you to get through to him because he doesn twant to deal with the thought of depression...i wish you the best...deb Edited June 21, 2013 by todreaminblue
patrol Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Seems like he might just have horrible text communication skills. Maybe try calling him next time and see how that goes.
Author SoulSoldier Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 What makes it so frustrating is trying to figure out whether this is his real personality showing through or the potential depression? If it's the depression, I'd like to help him out and work through it. Given my own past with it, I guess I'm pretty sympathetic to people who go through it. The issue is, when I mentioned it to him as a possibility before, he flat out denied it. That's of course how I was when I went through the depression myself before eventually caving in and getting help. However, if it's his real personality (and that would be a shame considering how he was for the first 2 months I knew him) then I'm pretty sure it makes us incompatible despite all the other things I have in common. The issue I'm struggling with is not wanting to let go of him if it's a temporary problem that can be fixed....but also not wanting to stay with him and waste time if it's a permanent problem that cannot be fixed by me or any other woman.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Busy people who are truly interested make time. Stop making excuses for him. 15 minutes away? Two nights a week? No texting? Next. Exactly. This. My ex claimed he was "busy", then it turned out he wasn't: he was just doing other stuff that he thought took priority over me. He didn't want to text, came up with excuses for not doing it, etc. In the end, it was obvious he wasn't truly interested in me, and I was not even on his priority list at all, let alone being on top of that list.
Sunlight72 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 What makes it so frustrating is trying to figure out whether this is his real personality showing through or the potential depression? If it's the depression, I'd like to help him out and work through it.... .... The issue I'm struggling with is not wanting to let go of him if it's a temporary problem that can be fixed....but also not wanting to stay with him and waste time if it's a permanent problem that cannot be fixed by me or any other woman. Hi SoulSoldier, sorry you're so invested in this. Know what? You're Not Married. You're talking here as if you are married and it's your duty to stand by your man. What the heck is that about? (don't tell me; ask and answer to yourself) A relationship doesn't start until it begins In Person. My personal experience was an 'amazing', 'world-changing' "connection" with a woman I met once for a few hours, then she went home from vacation and we talked on the phone, text, and email for 4 months. We met in person two weekends during that time, then she moved 1/2 way across the country to be with me. It was terrible. We couldn't believe that all that phone and email time was so useless in knowing each other - it didn't seem possible. But finally we started to learn that A Relationship Only Begins In Person. We both felt very committed since she'd moved all this way. It was Terrible. We went through an 18-month break up because I couldn't get it through my head that A Relationship Only Begins In Person. It Was Terrible! You've really only 'known' this guy for 3 weeks. At this time, you are NOT MARRIED. You should not be trying to talk yourself into helping this guy fix his life!!! That would take almost all of your emotional and physical stamina and energy for years or decades! -And- It Is Impossible To Fix Someone Else!! No matter how hard you try! I've tried it! It almost killed me! Don't Do It! Especially for Someone You Just Met! You should be examining Your Real Relationship (not the imaginary one you shared before you met). Examining and deciding - is this fun and easy? Is this something you just can't wait to get more of? Or is this making you unhappy and uncertain and second guess yourself? (that is exactly the recipe for destroying your self-esteem and self-worth, please believe me) Right now and for the next 6 months (You Just Met for Pete's sake!) is almost definitely The Best It Will Ever Get. If it isn't good now, then why in the world would you soak another 5 months into being unhappy and feeling neglected and unattractive/uninteresting to your boyfriend? Don't Do It!! Break it off while you still have your own life going, not after you lose your self-esteem in trying to 'help' this guy. Please, please, please Best Wishes, Sunlight 3
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I think you are trying to convince yourself to stay in what is a very one-sided "relationship". Depression is one of those excuses you have come up with to explain away his sh*tty behaviour. That may be the case, but I would expect that someone who loves me, would be less selfish and self-centred and be able to communicate and/or let go of me. It's incredibly selfish to keep someone attached to you, when you are unwilling or unable to satisfy their needs. My ex was like this, and needless to say, my needs never mattered, even when he broke up with me several times, he wanted to get back with me again and again, because it suited HIM to do so. He just wouldn't let go of me. There are plenty of men who are depressed/stressed with work, and who are honest and do not string their partners along. I only wish that you will see this, and stop trying to fix him, and look at yourself, to see WHY you are even trying to fix him. Do you have a "caretaker" personality? It is not your responsibility to take care of this man, especially not at the expense of your own sanity and health. Months and years of frustration can be really draining. Take it from someone who thought her ex had "issues" and wanted to "fix him." Now, months after I broke up with him after I found out that his bizarre behaviour was because he was not interested in me and was cheating on me, and not because of stress with work as he had claimed, I am still physically and emotionally drained. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Is it that much to ask for a simple "missing you" or "thinking of you" text once in a while? Is it that much to ask for him to give me specific dates to get together when he always does things with his friends on Saturday?NO, it is not too much to ask for. Don't let anyone think that it is. And besides, you should not even be "asking" for it. It should come from him naturally, if he cares about you. If it's like a chore to him, as it seems to be, he does not care about you. Saying "I love you" is pretty much meaningless. Mine said it, while he had been f*cking a whore behind my back. Don't be so naive. And most importantly, try to learn from others' mistakes, not just from your own. I hope you don't have to learn from your mistakes, because being in that situation -- realizing that you knew you were so stupid and blind and ignored all the warning signs -- is the most painful thing.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 To give an example, he had said our next date would be this weekend. I asked him tonight to give me a date/time, he said he needs more time to figure that out. WTF? It's Friday morning now, I'm trying to figure out what I'll be doing myself this weekend, so it'd be kinda nice to know if I need to carve out some time for him or not, and when that will be. Am I that unreasonable in wanting him to plan days/nights together more than a day or two in advance? Especially when i also have a busy schedule and want to make sure we get time together? He is inconsiderate and rude, and you are not his priority. This is not about depression. Do you really think that the fact that he does not set a date/time has to do with depression? Come on. You are just trying to convince yourself to ignore major red flags.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) Should I bring this up to him (in person) or would it be something that just makes things worse? Should I just consider moving on without him and finding someone else who actually makes time for me? I don't feel like asking for 2-3 nights a week is asking for much, given how he supposedly feels about me......but the way he's acting, the lack of initiation when we're apart, it makes me feel like he isn't as serious about things. Or do you think this is all the depression causing problems? If he is not initiating at all, especially when you are apart, I am convinced it's more of a "out of sight out of mind" thing. He's probably banging another chick, or is interested in her / flirting with her, etc. Whatever the case, someone else is taking more of his time and occupying his thoughts more than you are. Anyone will have a few minutes to text/call, let you that you are on his mind, etc. Is he that busy that he doesn't even have the time to think about you? Who is he, the president of the United States? At any rate, I think bringing up the issue with him is only going to postpone the inevitable: that you need to end things with this man because he is not interested in you and is not willing to put in any effort. Bring it up if you want to, but I can assure you he will just brush it off, attribute his lack of communication to stress/being occupied, and maybe make an effort for a day or two, but then return to old habits. People don't change overnight just because you told them you feel unappreciated. I can assure you, if this were a chick he was so turned on by and he loved so much, he would've MADE time for her. Edited June 21, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
Author SoulSoldier Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 You guys have really shed some light on things. Thank you for that. I do feel it may be beneficial to give a bit more info on both of us. I'm his third girlfriend, the first he's dated since 2011. He's my fourth boyfriend, the first I've dated since 2011. Both of us have introverted personalities. To give an example of a past problem we had that he fixed/changed on, he wasn't being very affectionate when we were together because he didn't know that it was important to me. I told him that it was and since then he's been great when we're together. That's partly why I'm willing to give a chance to fix things.
Author SoulSoldier Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 The thing that confuses me is he does respond when I message him...he just doesn't initiate texts like he did before we got together. Almost like he was on the chase before, now that he has me he's done chasing.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 The thing that confuses me is he does respond when I message him...he just doesn't initiate texts like he did before we got together. Almost like he was on the chase before, now that he has me he's done chasing. It's not about being done chasing. It's about him not caring enough. He answers because if he doesn't , he knows he will be in trouble (i.e. you might leave him). He's doing just enough to keep you on the leash, and not an ounce more than that. I have SEEN this behaviour. My ex acted like this for 2 weeks, and when I asked him what was up, he got mad at me and accused me of being moody. This is so familiar to me, and yes, I told myself too that he was stressed with work, depressed, etc. But no, he never was. Or, even if he were somewhat stressed by work, it wasn't about that.
Sunlight72 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 The thing that confuses me is he does respond when I message him...he just doesn't initiate texts like he did before we got together. Almost like he was on the chase before, now that he has me he's done chasing. Yes, it's possible that he was more attracted to you while you were still more imaginary to him, but also remember... There are two personalities in a person. One is the person they Say they are, or what they Say they like, or what they Say they will do. The other person is the one who Does things, who Likes things a certain way, and who takes Action. Sometimes these personalities overlap a lot (yay - so nice). Sometimes they don't overlap much. So you spent some time (months) becoming attracted to and excited about what he Says. Now that you've had a chance to observe his Actions, what do you think? Does he text you, call you, take you out as often or in the way you enjoy? Don't hope he will change. Don't tell him how to behave 'better'. It's not fair to him to be with someone who wants him to change! It is not your place to make him behave the way you like! He is not your child! Let him be who he is - that is his choice. You don't get to choose who he is and tell him to be someone different! That is Not Your Place! You get to observe who he is. Accept that he is who his Actions (or lack of actions) show. Then choose. Do you want to spend 5 more months like this or not? That is your choice. Best Wishes, Sunlight 1
sweetheart5381 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 The thing that confuses me is he does respond when I message him...he just doesn't initiate texts like he did before we got together. Almost like he was on the chase before, now that he has me he's done chasing. You hit the nail on the head! He is done chasing and assumes he has you. Some men live for the chase, and when it's over they slowly fade away. My ex did the same... called every single night, texted, messaged etc. He pursued me heavily for 7 months before the first date. Was constantly telling and showing me how much he wanted me. Until he knew I had fallen for him... then he got wishy-washy and moved onto other women worthy of "the chase". Men that are not available emotionally do this, because it is the closest thing to love that they can ever get to - and it strokes their ego. I'd ignore him, don't message/text, do your own thing without him and see if he notices. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 You hit the nail on the head! He is done chasing and assumes he has you. Some men live for the chase, and when it's over they slowly fade away. My ex did the same... called every single night, texted, messaged etc. He pursued me heavily for 7 months before the first date. Was constantly telling and showing me how much he wanted me. Until he knew I had fallen for him... then he got wishy-washy and moved onto other women worthy of "the chase". Men that are not available emotionally do this, because it is the closest thing to love that they can ever get to - and it strokes their ego. I'd ignore him, don't message/text, do your own thing without him and see if he notices. I doubt he will take notice, or if he does, I doubt he will change his behaviour. I think he's the sort of man who would've devalued her in his head, because she tried to fix him, take care of him, etc. She is too nice and is like a "mother" figure to him. 2
Author SoulSoldier Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks guys. We're set to see each other on Sunday. I plan on bringing all of this up to him. I am thinking of giving him a 2 week trial period to change things.....if he doesn't, I'm done. If he's not willing to do this, I'm done as of Sunday. And if he reverts to his old ways, I'm also done. I'm not trying to change him, he'd have this same issue no matter who he dated, I'm trying to give him a chance to grow up and move forward. If he's not ready to do so, I'm ready to move on without him and find someone who will prioritize me.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks guys. We're set to see each other on Sunday. I plan on bringing all of this up to him. I am thinking of giving him a 2 week trial period to change things.....if he doesn't, I'm done. If he's not willing to do this, I'm done as of Sunday. And if he reverts to his old ways, I'm also done. I'm not trying to change him, he'd have this same issue no matter who he dated, I'm trying to give him a chance to grow up and move forward. If he's not ready to do so, I'm ready to move on without him and find someone who will prioritize me. Well, word of advice: ultimatums don't really work.. unless you are just keeping it to yourself of course? I don't think it's about him having this issue necessarily. Some men just act this way with women they are ambivalent about-- they're just biding their time until a "better" woman comes along. They just don't want to be alone in the meantime.
Author SoulSoldier Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 Well, word of advice: ultimatums don't really work.. unless you are just keeping it to yourself of course? I don't think it's about him having this issue necessarily. Some men just act this way with women they are ambivalent about-- they're just biding their time until a "better" woman comes along. They just don't want to be alone in the meantime. I'm keeping the ultimatum to myself, yes, but I'm going to make it crystal clear that things need to change if we are to continue this relationship. I won't tell him about the deadline I'm thinking of. And what you said......definitely a possibility that I haven't yet ruled out. Problem is, I'm fine with being alone until I find the right person. I've never been the type who needs to be in a relationship to be happy, but I'm also the type who won't take a relationship that's making me miserable. And currently, this relationship is hurting more than helping my life. And I'd rather not waste time with someone who doesn't want to be with me. What sucks about this is I foolishly slept with him and he was my first partner (previous exes were anti-premarital sex). So there's some emotional ties there. I don't regret giving up the V card as it wasn't really important to me. But still, I'd rather be happy single than miserable in an unfulfilling relationship. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 What sucks about this is I foolishly slept with him and he was my first partner (previous exes were anti-premarital sex). So there's some emotional ties there. I don't regret giving up the V card as it wasn't really important to me. Ouch. I can relate. I lost my virginity to the same ex I mentioned in this thread.... I think in a way he started abusing that, because he knew how attached I became to him, mostly as a result of losing my virginity to him. In my case, it was also my first ever "relationship". That sucks, and puts you at a distinct "disadvantage". I say 'disadvantage' even though this is not supposed to be a game people play, but some people -- who are not interested in us that much -- do think of it as a game, and until such time as the benefits outweigh the costs of playing this game, they won't quit (i.e. they won't take the step to dump you). As soon as you start demanding too much, people like this will run towards the door ASAP. They always have one foot out the door anyway. It's a "pseudo-relationship", not a real relationship. You are doing all the work, putting in all the effort, doing all the communication, everything. And they are getting sex/emotional satisfaction/ego boost. It gets to the point where it becomes unbearably exhausting. Based on everything you have told me, I'd really consider kicking this guy to the curb ASAP. If you want to be sure you did the right thing, I guess talk to him about it and see if his behaviour changes. But I wouldn't be holding my breath. Start working on readying yourself emotionally for the ultimate "showdown" , i.e. break-up. Do not have any high expectations of what will happen when you have "the talk."
Els Posted June 22, 2013 Posted June 22, 2013 OP, don't get me wrong, I think it's admirable to stick by a partner through ups and downs, depression being one of them. But a completely new guy, who's supposed to be in honeymoon stage ie his best behaviour? Again, one thing if he says he has depression but really does his best by you... and another thing entirely if you sense that he's being lukewarm, like in this case. Most people find that issues are exacerbated after the honeymoon period. If you're already starting out with this as the baseline, how do you think things will be after a year? 1
Author SoulSoldier Posted June 22, 2013 Author Posted June 22, 2013 NoMoreJerks, I'm definitely already in potential-breakup mode. If things end between us on Sunday (or anytime soon for that matter) I'm prepared for it. It'll hurt, yes, but I get asked out pretty often and don't feel like finding a solid partner will be at all a hard thing. And even if it is, I've got a lot of hobbies/work to keep me busy until the right person comes along. OP, don't get me wrong, I think it's admirable to stick by a partner through ups and downs, depression being one of them. But a completely new guy, who's supposed to be in honeymoon stage ie his best behaviour? Again, one thing if he says he has depression but really does his best by you... and another thing entirely if you sense that he's being lukewarm, like in this case. Most people find that issues are exacerbated after the honeymoon period. If you're already starting out with this as the baseline, how do you think things will be after a year? Well, what I'm hoping is, he'll have learned from his mistakes and will be more open with me emotionally. How he acts the next few weeks will be the main thing that determines whether or not this transitions into a longer term relationship. Having gone through it myself, I know that sometimes when we're off (such as with depression) we act differently than who we really are. We're cold even though we normally aren't. Like for instance, me. The person I was a year ago is worlds apart from who I am now. I got help for myself, I grew up, I faced my issues head on and I emerged from it a happier, more loving, more caring, more patient person. If I hadn't gotten that help for myself, I'd still be a depressed, bitter, uncaring person. Point is, anyone can change. But only if they want to. And if he wants to change for the better (and for the better, I mean, for himself not for me) then it's possible he does the 180 I've done and we grow into a loving, supportive relationship. Or if he doesn't want to better himself, the relationship will dissolve. I guess I just like to give people the benefit of the doubt. He is a good guy in many ways and he's amazing with me in person, just a bit oblivious for lack of a better word. He doesn't get things unless it's spelled out for him explicitly. He has no idea when I'm upset unless I tell him I'm upset in no uncertain terms. Maybe that's a guy thing? But like I said, what makes me want to give him another chance is knowing how well we get along in person. It's just the communication in between that is bothering me.
Sunlight72 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 I doubt he will take notice, or if he does, I doubt he will change his behaviour. I think he's the sort of man who would've devalued her in his head, because she tried to fix him, take care of him, etc. She is too nice and is like a "mother" figure to him. That's interesting NoMoreJerks... I hadn't thought of it in quite that way before, and I see what you're saying. A mother will always be the mother - she'll never stop loving you even if you treat her like junk. So by taking the mother role (or in my case the father role), you're just paving the way to be taken for granted and disregarded. Hmmmm. Thanks for making that point! Cheers, Sunlight 1
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