Adele0908 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I have a man in my life, but I feel the urge to break up with him and be single for a while. He's not a bad guy, but he doesn't exhibit all the qualities that I want. He is actually a pretty decent guy, but I feel like we are not completely right for each other. I also feel like I have a lot of issues that I need to work out. I read a few articles by relationship experts that said that breaking up is not the answer, and that people should work through their differences to find the messages on the other side. That basically, a relationship is a mirror that shows you what you should work on. And that instead of breaking up, you should work on your issues while that person is still in your life. But I have friends that tell me I should just be single and work on my issues alone. All my fears, anger, sadness, and unhappiness should be worked out while I am SINGLE and not while I am in a relationship. Because of people saying this, I tried to push away the man in my life, current and past, but I ran into the SAME issues with other guys. Do we need to be single to find ourselves? Or should we use our current relationships as mirrors, and find ways to improve ourselves from there? Please discuss.
Mws Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 You are the only person that can answer that, everyone is different. Good luck.
todreaminblue Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I dont know if you can ever find the man that is completely right for you........the man who is completely right...would be a carbon copy of you and yrou ideals values morals...standards likes dislikes.....if you find a decent good guy, who treats you well and loves you for you, i think that is the one that is right for you.....now are you right for him though........ if you are in a relationship pushing away the guy who treats you well......isnt the way to go....a relationship is shared .....its not a singular thing...its a couple thing........good and bad that happens.....you do it together......bad things arise...you accept them and work out ways together to solve issues.......that doesnt weaken a relationship...it can make it stronger........if you let it.......focus on the good qualities you have jointly .....ways that you complement each other to solve problems....having a different perspective can often be the way to the heart of a problem and make solving that problem....easier than going it alone....... if you are single to start off with and have issues....then they are not the concern of a future partner that you may meet...in my opinion....its unfair to expect someone to solves issues they had no prior knowledge nor responsibility for..but....if you are ina relationship already ....you can work through them together........deb ........
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) You are the only person that can answer that, everyone is different. Good luck. I agree that if you notice repeat patterns with different partners (as have I) than those are best resolved when alone. And should be addressed before attempting to bring someone else into your life. If not, you will suffer the same patterns over and over and never have the kind of life or RS that you desire/deserve. Edited June 20, 2013 by mtnbiker3000
denxnis Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 "Love never keeps a man from pursing his Personal Legend. If he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love..." -The Alchemist If your significant other isn't bringing you closer to your ultimate goal(s) in life then it's time to move. Selfish? Perhaps. But then again aren't two people in a relationship to make each other happy not just one or the other?
forgetmenot75 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Actually, people don't want to be single single here, we are all struggling with No contact and breakups ( 1
Author Adele0908 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 But what about breaking up with someone BECAUSE you want to resolve your issues? I have some issues with insecurity and pridefulness. My current relationship is not terrible, it's not even bad. But it has a lot of room for improvement. A lot of friends think I should dump my man and be single for awhile, even though he didn't do anything in particular to warrant this. That I should dump him because I supposedly NEED to be single to FIND MYSELF and be happy alone. Has anyone else heard this?
Author Adele0908 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 That basically because I have issues and he is not that great of a boyfriend, i should dump him and be single to find myself and find out what I truly want in life. I know SOMEBODY out there has heard this before and has though about it themselves
Leigh 87 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Boy do I relate. I have issues that make me not ready to enter into a relationship. Sadly, I found this out through a person who I WAS seriously in love with. Hence, I tried to stay in the relationship; all the while, causing trouble and drama because I am just not happy within myself YET (although I do like myself and enjoy life a lot as it is!). It sounds like you are not in love with this dude. I mean, love is strong and all consuming; I think that, if you WERE in love or were falling in love, you would have said something about NOT wanting to leave him, because you feel so strongly about him/love him so much and do not WANT to leave him, unless you desperately have to, in order to work on your issues. Perhaps I have misunderstood you! If you guys are very much in love and you are very happy together, besides your issues that you want to address coming in the way; perhaps you SHOULD work on your issues whilst with him, but suggest you have more time apart? I personally believe that my prior relationship could have lasted, if I worked on my issues and we did not live together while I had some more space from them. Right now, I fear that even if I met the right guy, I would be in no state to enter into a relationship. I do not believe I am happy enough ALONE yet. My life is not quiet complete, and nor is my self worth. Can you tell us the reasons as to why you feel this way? I tend to think that if you are happy within yourself, and you DO work hard on your own life OUTSIDE the relationship, that any other issues could possibly be resolved, with a therapist. Without leaving this dude, if you do seriously love him.
Leigh 87 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Forgetmenot - make the most of being single! And remember, a lot of married couples are not madly in love. Most of them just have a deep affection towards each other, and they married because they wanted a family and a life together with someone. Being madly in love with someone, MUTUALLY, and also having a happy, healthy relationship with a good sex life? VERY RARE:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: Seriously! We should be just as happy single. I mean, what if you do not find the right guy any time soon? Or you meet the right guy and they turn out to, well. NOT be the right guy:lmao: Are you going to choose to not enjoy life as much single (as you do when you're "loved up" ). You will be miserable if you continue to think like this. Since most people do not just find the right guy and live happily ever after. The BIGGEST lesson I have learnt today: you MUST love life ALONE, as much as you would in a relationship. A relationship, like having kids, is simply a different experience that you either have or you do not have. All up, you should feel the same level of contentment alone or NOT.
Leigh 87 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 That basically because I have issues and he is not that great of a boyfriend, i should dump him and be single to find myself and find out what I truly want in life. I know SOMEBODY out there has heard this before and has though about it themselves ^^ yes I felt this way with my ex. Only difference was, I was hopelessly in love with him and wanted to find myself WITH him. Sometimes issues cannot be resolved in a relationship. This is true. Alcoholism, substance abuse, having a mental illness, and having a troubling past that causes present issues? All those things can sometimes not be worked on adequately enough, to the point where a relationship is healthy. Although some people do stick by their spouses, I doubt it is healthy to stick by a recovering alcoholic or drug abuser unless you're seriously invested in them. I have had a very troubling past and I also have Asperger's in a mild form. Therefore, I need long term therapy and help. My past troubles and slight autism make it so that I cannot be in a relationship right now. Even though I REALLY wanted to. Some issues, you have to work through along to a certain extent, before a relationship will even work. What issues do you have and how badly do you want to be with HIM.
Author Adele0908 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) ^^ yes I felt this way with my ex. Only difference was, I was hopelessly in love with him and wanted to find myself WITH him. Sometimes issues cannot be resolved in a relationship. This is true. Alcoholism, substance abuse, having a mental illness, and having a troubling past that causes present issues? All those things can sometimes not be worked on adequately enough, to the point where a relationship is healthy. Although some people do stick by their spouses, I doubt it is healthy to stick by a recovering alcoholic or drug abuser unless you're seriously invested in them. I have had a very troubling past and I also have Asperger's in a mild form. Therefore, I need long term therapy and help. My past troubles and slight autism make it so that I cannot be in a relationship right now. Even though I REALLY wanted to. Some issues, you have to work through along to a certain extent, before a relationship will even work. What issues do you have and how badly do you want to be with HIM. I feel deeply insecure at times. I experienced sexual violence a few years ago. A fancy term for you know what. Aside from that, I feel like I need to be alone. I started dating my partner before I sought counseling and treatment. Only a few weeks into counseling and I feel like leaving him. He knows about my counseling and all that, but I wonder if its too heavy for him to handle. It's a heavy enough burden for me alone. But he has been pretty patient with me through my ups and downs. I wonder if breaking up with him is just a temporary solution. But then I have friends who say I need to be single and just to dump the man I am with. I've been dating him for a year now. I know it is ultimately my decision...just seeing how others feel about the topic. Edited June 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed links, one contained a virus
thefooloftheyear Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) I feel deeply insecure at times. I experienced sexual violence a few years ago. A fancy term for you know what. Aside from that, I feel like I need to be alone. I started dating my partner before I sought counseling and treatment. Only a few weeks into counseling and I feel like leaving him. He knows about my counseling and all that, but I wonder if its too heavy for him to handle. It's a heavy enough burden for me alone. But he has been pretty patient with me through my ups and downs. I wonder if breaking up with him is just a temporary solution. But then I have friends who say I need to be single and just to dump the man I am with. I've been dating him for a year now. I know it is ultimately my decision...just seeing how others feel about the topic. Its OK to talk to friends, but why does it seem like you are letting your friends guide and dictate what you do with important things in your life... What is it that YOU feel most comfortable with? TFY Edited June 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Adele0908 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Its OK to talk to friends, but why does it seem like you are letting your friends guide and dictate what you do with important things in your life... What is it that YOU feel most comfortable with? TFY Just sharing how I feel with him,and having him listen without minimizing how I feel.
salparadise Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) I feel deeply insecure at times. I experienced sexual violence a few years ago. A fancy term for you know what. Aside from that, I feel like I need to be alone. I started dating my partner before I sought counseling and treatment. Only a few weeks into counseling and I feel like leaving him. He knows about my counseling and all that, but I wonder if its too heavy for him to handle. It's a heavy enough burden for me alone. But he has been pretty patient with me through my ups and downs. I wonder if breaking up with him is just a temporary solution. But then I have friends who say I need to be single and just to dump the man I am with. I've been dating him for a year now. I know it is ultimately my decision...just seeing how others feel about the topic. You have several issues to deal with and they're merging in such a way that it's difficult to see them as distinct and separate. My suggestion is to invest yourself in the counseling and set the relationship issue aside for awhile. You have plenty of time to work on that once you get things separated and put into some perspective. Ultimately, you need to work on the trauma and insecurity issues first. At some point, whether your relationship is helping you grow in the direction you need, will come into clearer focus. As you get more in touch with yourself you will understand what you want/need from a relationship and how this one fits. While your friends may have good intentions, I don't think you should be taking counsel from them with regard to whether this relationship is right for you. There are no perfect people, so resist assessing your bf by an idealized standard. Make the effort to appreciate his good qualities while understanding (accepting) his shortcomings, how it all balances, and how the relationship enhances your life. But first, try and make some progress just working on you so you can see things more clearly. Edited June 21, 2013 by salparadise 1
Author Adele0908 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) You have several issues to deal with and they're merging in such a way that it's difficult to see them as distinct and separate. My suggestion is to invest yourself in the counseling and set the relationship issue aside for awhile. You have plenty of time to work on that once you get things separated and put into some perspective. Ultimately, you need to work on the trauma and insecurity issues first. At some point, whether your relationship is helping you grow in the direction you need, will come into clearer focus. As you get more in touch with yourself you will understand what you want/need from a relationship and how this one fits. While your friends may have good intentions, I don't think you should be taking counsel from them with regard to whether this relationship is right for you. There are no perfect people, so resist assessing your bf by an idealized standard. Make the effort to appreciate his good qualities while understanding (accepting) his shortcomings, how it all balances, and how the relationship enhances your life. But first, try and make some progress just working on you so you can see things more clearly. ^^ Thanks. That's true, my issues seem to be "merging". Something feels messed up in one area and then I start thinking that EVERYTHING is messed up. I am looking a lot at his shortcomings. But he does have a lot of strengths. I do need to look more at that. I like how you said not to compare my relationship to an idealized standard. I am guilty of that, and I sometimes compare him to exes. But I know that they are exes for a REASON. But I do also compare him to what I think he should be doing. Maybe I just look for someone to blame when I feel unhappy. I noticed when I'm feeling down or depressed, I lash out at people who are close to me. Suddenly I feel like they contributed to my unhappiness, even though they didn't really. I was unhappy about something in my life, and I looked for an explanation, but not deep enough. I looked at someone else, instead of seeing what was up with me. Wow that is deep, think I just made a breakthrough! Lol. Love this site. Who needs Dr. Phil? Edited June 21, 2013 by Adele0908
salparadise Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Wow that is deep, think I just made a breakthrough! Lol. I think perhaps you did! Don't make him responsible for your happiness. That comes from within. He's just a person, and remember that he's a separate person, deserving his own happiness. We all deserve appreciation even though we're imperfect. Most people do the best they can, and I'll bet your bf does as well. So even if at some point you decide it's not the right relationship, you don't have to make it his fault or about his flaws... but work on you and do what you can to improve the relationship in the meantime. You seem to have good awareness, and are willing to be introspective, so I bet you'll be making more breakthroughs soon.
ddlovexx Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 My take/belief is that you have to be able to stand on your own before with someone else. You should know exactly who you are, what you want, etc., and then when you're with the right person you grow together as well. I'm single again for the first time in a long time and though I enjoy the company of a few guys I'm interested in, I know it's time to work on "me" right now and when it feels right, I can move forward. Honestly, for once I really love my life and I'm learning to love myself and become the woman I want to be. As much as I thought I'd hate being alone (I used to), I think time on your own is a pretty awesome learning/growing experience.
Pompeii Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 The grass isn't always greener on the other side. If you break up with him, you may regret it.
SuperGeek Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 Just break up with the guy now so you don't waste his time.
Author Adele0908 Posted June 28, 2013 Author Posted June 28, 2013 I doubt he is worried about his time being wasted. He isn't the type to be dating on a clock. His main concern right now is his career. So he doesn't have much energy to expend on dating right now. I'm just gonna take some space for myself. I haven't talked to him this week. Will continue to take my space to focus on myself.
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