AmberJade Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) I have no idea where to start. I know that this is ridiculously long, but it's the whole story. I found this forum after googling about stages of grief during break ups. I met my now ex husband when I was 16 at a Starbucks down in Texas while visiting some family. We immediately clicked and started talking, which turned into us hanging out and stuff. Before I left to go home to Indiana, he told me that he wanted us to date, and that he wanted to do a long distance relationship until I could move back down there (I'd always wanted to move to Austin anyway). So for the next two years, we were in a long distance relationship (skype, phone, texting), seeing each other about every six months or so when I'd visit. He was the perfect guy, or so I thought. Sent me flowers at least once a month, would call me throughout the day to say, "I love you", and so many other things that are too much to list. I thought that I had found the one. So a few months after I turned 18, I moved down to Austin. He proposed the first night. I will never, ever forget our first date. It was the most perfect date I had ever been on. There was so much chemistry between us and I thought I had really found "that guy". Two weeks after I moved down there, we got married (He was 21 by the way). Everything was perfect and happy. Then, about 5 months after we got married, I started finding out that he had lied to me on and off, about things that didn't even make sense. He lied about his past; about things that had happened to him (things that I know now was a Sociopath looking for sympathy and attention). He also lied about talking to other girls, who he was with when he claimed he was with "guy friends". Told me he was against porn, yet I found quite a few bookmarks on his phone. Told me that he hated strip clubs, but I used google on his phone one day, and it had a saved location of a strip club. I can't even imagine stuff that was going on when we were long distance (girls he was talking to mostly). There were warning signs that I chose to ignore, because he seemed so sweet and my whole family loved him. He started exhibiting other weird behaviors, like if I was crying and upset, sometimes he would just sit there with a stone cold look on his face like he couldn't care less. He would switch from being prince charming, to this ice cold person (that was his sociopathic side coming out). We started fighting daily, and during one particular fight, he informed me of all the things that he liked that he lied to me about (which to me isn't a big deal; so what if we didn't agree with everything?) He "mirrored" me, which is another sociopath trick. Everything I liked, so did he. If we were out with friends, and they said they liked something, he'd agree and say that he liked it too, and if I then said I didn't like it, he'd change and say, "Oh, I don't like that either." and deny that he had ever said he liked it. I also have Chronic Lyme Disease and I found out that he was imitating my symptoms and going to the hospital (4 different times) purely for attention. I decided that I couldn't do it anymore, so as a last ditch attempt, we went to therapy. Once all of the secrets and lies started coming out (things I didn't even know) the psychologist diagnosed him as a Sociopath, which was something I had suspected. We went to another psychologist as a second opinion, and she gave the same diagnosis. He was diagnosed as Sociopathic, which means that he isn't fully a sociopath, but that it's like another personality that comes out randomly, which explains his sudden weird behavior and mood swings. There would be days (this happened about 5 times) where he would wake up and randomly decide that he wanted a divorce and he was leaving, then after an hour or so, would change his mind. It was such an emotional roller coaster, and I didn't feel secure in my own marriage. Basically, 7 months after we got married, he left me. After everything I had put up with (things I didn't even put on here) and stood by him through, he left me. That was 7 weeks ago. He had isolated me from a lot of my friends, so I don't have much of a support system. At first, I was so devastated that I would have done anything to get him back. I've accepted that it's not healthy for us to be together, but I'm struggling with anger and depression right now. Only about a week (two at the most) after he had left, he already moved on to some other girl, and was already lying to her. I turned on the laptop we had shared for the first time after he left, and Skype automatically logged on like usual, except a video message he had sent her came up and out of curiosity, I watched it. He was already lying to her and telling her that he couldn't wait to kiss her and hug her and hold her and blah blah blah. He was telling her that he had never connected with someone like that before and had never told anyone his "deepest secrets" aka the lies he makes up about his past. Literally everything he had ever told me, he was telling her. If I didn't know better, I would have thought the message was to me, that's how identical it was. Typing all of this out, I see what a jerk he is, and that I'm better off without him, but what makes it hard is that sociopathic part. He's not a full one, so he has times of real love and sweetness, and I keep remembering that. He was so charming and literally jumped whenever I needed something, and I never, ever had to ask. He'd just come home and actually want to rub my shoulders or go get me something from the store, and he never wanted us to be apart. I'm so angry at him for leaving when he promised he'd always be there, and I'm so mad at myself for believing him, and I'm really depressed too. Those are the two emotions: anger and sadness. I've accepted that it's happened, and I'm not in denial, but I'm so angry, and so so depressed. I feel like I'll never find another guy. Like I'm scared to end up alone. (I found out that sociopaths make you feel this way; it's part of their mind games). I don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless and lost. Overwhelmed. I feel so betrayed that here I am with my heart shattered, and he's with her and it's like he's forgotten me already. It's not fair. I don't really have friends to turn to anymore, and I feel like I'm drowning. Edited June 20, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
marqueemoon4 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 I'm really sorry... being in relationships with personality disordered people really takes its toll. I know you don't want to hear this right now but there are numerous POSITIVE things about this situation. 1. He's the messed up person, not you 2. You have no children together (that is HUGE) 3. You're still really young and have tons of time to recover from this and find a HEALTHY, loving relationship like you deserve 1
CC12 Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 He was diagnosed as Sociopathic, which means that he isn't fully a sociopath, but that it's like another personality that comes out randomly, which explains his sudden weird behavior and mood swings. I think you're confused about something here, or maybe I am. I don't think "Sociopathic" is a diagnosis that any professional would give. And if it is, I don't understand how you can say "he isn't fully a sociopath" when two doctors have gone as far as to diagnose him with it. It just doesn't make sense. Let me make an analogy. If a doctor gave me a diagnosis of "Anorexic" (not the proper term, whatever) I can't then go and think, "Well, the doc only said I'm 'AnorexIC.' Which means that I simply exhibit the symptoms but I don't actually have Anorexia." That's just playing with words to make them mean what I want them to mean and it's bull****. Is this the way your ex explained away his diagnosis, or did you make this up on your own to excuse his legit mental illness? Honest question. Typing all of this out, I see what a jerk he is, and that I'm better off without him, but what makes it hard is that sociopathic part. He's not a full one, so he has times of real love and sweetness, and I keep remembering that. He was so charming and literally jumped whenever I needed something, and I never, ever had to ask. Of course he's nice sometimes. Sociopaths who get their jollies from messing with people need those people to stick around, so it's necessary for them to be just nice enough to get you forgive them when they do terrible things. I don't know what to do. I feel so hopeless and lost. Overwhelmed. I feel so betrayed that here I am with my heart shattered, and he's with her and it's like he's forgotten me already. Try not to feel too betrayed that he's moving on. You should be glad to be rid of him, and you should kind of pity the next girl who ends up with him due to him manipulating her and lying to her, just like he did with you. Sorry you're hurting now. I hope you feel better soon.
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