bipolarguy Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I'll try my best to keep this long story short. There was this girl, we'll call her Mary. Mary and I had gone to the same church and we also used to know each other in high school, but we were just friends. I'm pretty sure she had a crush on me because she used to give me a ride home after school often, but I never payed much attention to her. Fast forward 3 years later I find her on Facebook, add her, and initiate small talk. I get her number we text a few times, nothing special. After a few months without hearing from her I delete her number. 2 years later around Christmas time, I don't know why I start thinking of her again. Things that remind me of her are constantly popping up in my life. I'm bipolar so it's hard to explain, but in my mind these things that keep popping up are signs from a higher power telling me to reach out to her, so I did. I had found this hallway pass she had given me to help me get out of class and go donate blood for some charity she was working for. I didn't go because i was afraid of needles. I write her a Christmas card explaining why I couldn't make it that day and that I've been thinking about her. I stick it in her mailbox along with the hall pass. She lives right down the street. In my mind I'm thinking she probably has a boyfriend already, so she wont think much of it which is cool because half the reason I wrote it was to motivate myself to get my life in order in case I did bump into her someday. Turns out she loved the card, but she's in Austin for school (I'm in Houston)! So much so that she calls me the next day and we start talking up a storm. (She still had my #!) That same night she calls me again at 3 in the morning after drinking telling me how there was no other guys at the club like me, she also asks me how many girls I've slept with which I find odd since its only our first conversation after several months without talking. Made me feel good, but I knew she was a little tipsy. Anyways I wanted to keep it friendly, but after hearing that I started flirting with her and things only got more serious. Everything was going great until I invited her to a concert on my birthday. When I invited her I was going through a maniac episode of my bi polar. Extremely cocky almost like I'm on ecstacy. Invited her without even having money for the tickets! She said yes of course she would go. That same day I got real depressed and didn't feel like going to the concert anymore, so I backed out. I also mentioned that I had invited some friends to the concert because I get schizophrenic around large crowds and I don't know if that pissed her off as well. She ends up telling me she doesn't want to go anymore. I don't blame her. She also brought up a problem we had in one of our first conversations. She had told me she was planning on going to vegas for spring break to which i replied "who's paying for it?" that really got under her skin and told me not to worry about it if I'm not the one paying for it. I asked because I was hoping her parents would be paying for it and not her. No girl making good money wants to be with a guy who's broke. At least that's what I thought in my head. Then I tried to play it off as joke, "Is your ex trying to get back with you? Is he paying for it?" She would tell me how he used to fly her around the country. This backfired horribly. We then had a long argument on the phone where she basically destroyed my ego. Told me I was childish, could never be the boss of my own business, called me convenient, etc. During the argument I dropped the L bomb sort of as a last resort in order to get her to calm down. It only made things worse. She told me that I don't love her. She only likes me, but she likes her dog as well, so go figure. I ended the conversation by yelling good night at her and hung up. The next day I apologized, she told me not to worry and wished me good luck with all my future endeavors. I'm devastated. Can't believe how it all went south in a matter of hours. I tell her I just dont want us to be mad at each other and leave it at that. She kept texting me though. We kept talking, but she's now calling me dude. I didnt want to be friends so I stopped all communication for a couple of days. Loneliness got the best of me and I end up texting her back. It's not the same she keeps calling me dude. She still texts me happy birthday, merry christmas, happy new year. I text her back thanks. Keep it nice n short. On my birthday (which she was supposed to go to the concert with me) I text her asking for permission to call her. She said she's busy but then texts me at 3AM saying I can call her so I do, but she said she's sleepy and hangs up. Next day she calls me for the last time. I invited her for dinner at my house, but she declined the invitation. I'm stuck. I start apologizing for everything again. She said its cool dude no need to apologize anymore. She texts that she had lost signal (supposedly). I don't call back. Next day I call twice she doesn't answer. Crushed. I wait a couple of days and text her if she still needs help moving back into her parent's house. (As a joke though, I know she didnt want my help anymore.)I also asked her what she meant by "good luck with all your future endeavors" was she saying goodbye? And are we at least friends I could help you out if you ever get a flat or need a fence? She just answered "my sister helped me move out actually, thanks tho!" I tell her ok ok I get it! and dont talk to her for another month or so. I then send her a long 3 paragraph text message explaining to her how I ****ed up and basically humiliate myself and put her on a pedestal. I did this again a month later a couple days after Valentines. I never begged for her to come back tho and I ended each message with a promise that I'll seek help and get better. I also told her I was deleting her # just so I wouldnt be tempted to send her any long messages anymoe. Our fling lasted all of 3 weeks with only one date in person. She came over to my house, met my mom, and helped me register for college classes. It was all her idea. At this point, I really dont know how to feel. Somedays I'm like screw it she messed it up and other days I miss her so much and want her in my life again. I never felt such chemistry with any girl as I did with her. Our families are very similar as well they both are from the same part of the country and go to the same church, have the same business. Her dad and I also share the same birthday. Now, her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if I should give her a gift. I didn't like the way I ended things (made myself look like a crazy bitch) and would like to fix it, but I haven't heard a word from her since. She knows I suffer from depression ever since my brother passed away and knows I get anxiety attacks and not once has she asked how I'm doing. She also has a reputation for being a mean bitch( she said it herself), but she was surprisingly nice to me when things were good. We would always talk about how much we loved peanut butter n banana sandwiches and she would always remind me to smell the roses (would tell her depressing things sometimes). So I was thinking for her birthday making her a gift basket filled with roses and put a organic peanut butter jar and her favorite wheat bread in there as well. I would always tell her how sweet she is so I was thinking of putting an organic honey jar in there along with a homemade birthday card (pop-up swan lol) and a copy of the Silver Linings Playbook DVD (so she can better understand why I did the things I did) I was thinking of not even putting my name on it or writing a note because I want her to know I don't expect anything back its all about her. Deep inside I know I'm still not ready for a relationship still have more therapy to do, but I want to crack the door open just a little again. We weren't even gf/bf. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but the what ifs? are what kill me the most. What do you guys think? Its been 6 months since I last contacted her... Is it too late? Am I being too nice? Would it be creepy? So many things running through my mind. Should I put my name on it and deliver it myself and write a note or have someone deliver it for me? Should I even bother? Thank you for reading this book.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2013 Posted June 21, 2013 Yes, it would be creepy. That's way too big of a gesture for a girl that you haven't spoken to in six months that you basically freaked out before. Just a bad idea all around. I think you shot your wad on this one. It's one thing to mess up once, she forgave you. But you keep shooting yourself in the foot. This is done.
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