Coffee Shop for First Meeting?

June 20, 2013

Just go to a restaurant that serves food and coffee. If you both click you order food and other drinks. If one person doesn't want to stay then can end up. Or you can meet at a coffee shop and if everything clicks you can offer to go to a restaurant.

June 20, 2013

I'm not looking for a "classy" or pricey restaurant to have dinner in. At my age, and from what I know about this guy and what he knows about me, I just want something less casual than a coffee shop. And even if he can't find his wallet when we get the check, which I'll offer to pay my share to, I have no problem paying the entire bill.

Too bad there aren't more women like you. Honesty I went to a resturant with a woman I had no interested from the beginning. However not everyone is like that. If women offered to pay their own way I'm sure more guys will be willing to date a lot more women and don't have high expectations in women but when you have women expect men to date when he want the most attractive women we can find.

June 20, 2013

Ah, I exchanged way too many messages with the guy, as I am not the type that meets people after just exchanging a hi and a few basics. We had long conversations. But he turned out to be just plain boring, talking only about his job for the most part, and just, zero chemistry. He was just, almost asexual.. lol. Anyway, i guess that shows that it's not just about similar interests that matter. Actually, maybe different interests are better, because that way you have something to talk about that is out of the ordinary, rather than something you are used to thinking or talking about all the time. I had a great date in contrast, with another guy who has a totally different set of interests.

Good luck on your date. BTW, it does seem to be a little too much to drive 30 minutes just to sit at a coffee shop so I can see your frustration. Maybe he can meet you halfway.

We're the same in that I don't want to meet without knowing some baseline info first. And the guys I meet respect that and feel the same way, too. And neither do I want to exchange email for such a long time that he and I run out of things to write about and I wonder if the guy is stalling and putting me in the back burner while he's dating other people.

I've definitely dated guys who are very different from me. I'm not necessarily looking for someone with the same background as I have.

I'm not at all a morning person, especially on weekends, so I might use that as an excuse to reschedule.

June 20, 2013

It might also be that he figures you would be more agreeable to a casual coffee vs. drinks, dinner, etc.

I guess, if this is how he feels, that meeting me warrants no more than coffee at Starbucks, then he's not the guy for me.

Yup, there's always more than one way to look at it. It's a meet and greet, not a date, and it's a pretty standard format in OLD.

Suziee, I think you're trying to be selective by reading profiles when you should be meeting a lot more people and evaluating the vibe you get in person. I've probably been on 50+ of the coffee or drink meets and have learned over time that it's just not smart to get invested based on a profile and a few emails. You're looking for a needle in a haystack basically and ought to be sifting through the straw kind of quickly. I suggest you do a reset and go to this meeting in full on positive mode, with a smile that would melt a glacier.

June 20, 2013

I love meeting for coffee. I always feel more comfortable sitting and talking than sitting and talking an eating. Lol

For first meeting its easy to end early if it doesn't work out and easy to lead into something more substantial if it goes well.

For older folks like me, a first meeting would be like a cordial business lunch or dinner. I'm more comfortable doing that than just having coffee. At the very least, we can talk about the wine or the food, if we run out of topics.

June 20, 2013

For older folks like me, a first meeting would be like a cordial business lunch or dinner. I'm more comfortable doing that than just having coffee. At the very least, we can talk about the wine or the food, if we run out of topics.

I totally get it, but for first meeting... Maybe you should try not making it more of a cordial business lunch or dinner!

What's there to lose?

June 21, 2013

Yup, there's always more than one way to look at it. It's a meet and greet, not a date, and it's a pretty standard format in OLD.

Suziee, I think you're trying to be selective by reading profiles when you should be meeting a lot more people and evaluating the vibe you get in person. I've probably been on 50+ of the coffee or drink meets and have learned over time that it's just not smart to get invested based on a profile and a few emails. You're looking for a needle in a haystack basically and ought to be sifting through the straw kind of quickly. I suggest you do a reset and go to this meeting in full on positive mode, with a smile that would melt a glacier.

Love this.

June 21, 2013

OP, I'm with you... coffee meetings are lame. Although, I'm not into dinner/drinks either.

For me, the first meeting is the perfect opportunity to do something both people enjoy... not be stuck in a chair.

June 21, 2013

Yup, there's always more than one way to look at it. It's a meet and greet, not a date, and it's a pretty standard format in OLD.

Suziee, I think you're trying to be selective by reading profiles when you should be meeting a lot more people and evaluating the vibe you get in person. I've probably been on 50+ of the coffeee or drink meets and have learned over time that it's just not smart to get invested based on a profile and a few emails. You're looking for a needle in a haystack basically and ought to be sifting through the straw kind of quickly. I suggest you do a reset and go to this meeting in full on positive mode, with a smile that would melt a glacier.

Thanks--I do appreciate your advice but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it your way. If that works for you, then great but I'd rather have a few meetings, with people that I know I have a possible compatibility with, than meet many people just to see if I have chemistry with them first, then hope that I'm compatible with them.

June 21, 2013

I totally get it, but for first meeting... Maybe you should try not making it more of a cordial business lunch or dinner!
What's there to lose?

I think that's how I feel: what's there to lose with having a drink or dinner with a person that you are interested in? He and I are both middle-aged, with multiple graduate degrees between the two of us--I'm sure we can find something to talk about and it will be worth our time (and I can pay my way) to meet, regardless of whether we end up attracted to each other or not. Thank goodness, there are guys on OLD (not that many, though) who feel the same way I do.

June 21, 2013

As a younger guy looking to hook up, coffee shops are ideal. Its cheap, quick, and allows me to make sure that she girl is hot and try to establish some chemistry.

However, if I was genuinely interested and thought something beyond a quick hook up could be there, I wouldn't mind going out to dinner for a first meeting.

You say you're willing to pay your way so it's not like you are looking for a free meal, but if a guy is hesitant to do anything beyond a quick coffee date with you, he probably isn't sold on whether or not you're worth his time.

June 21, 2013

Suzie, I understand your vent and sympathize. No need to justify why you feel the way you do.

I did OLD and didn't go on a single coffee date. Not every guy uses the coffee interview format to pre-screen who they will date, have meet and greets, etc. In fact, many don't. They simply date. Many different approaches out there.

I did do brunch and lunch dates early on, but realized that it put the guy at a tremendous disadvantage with me. The time of day and setting put me in business mode. I scheduled him in among other meetings, and dashed off to the next meeting as soon as we were done. End of day worked better for me. I was relaxed. I was done with my day. The focus was on my date and figuring out whether we might have a connection.

Everyone has their style. Sounds like you know yours and what works well for you. You're also aware, that many first dates are "one and dones" because there's no chemistry. Two great people if you've screened well before agreeing to a date, but nothing there.

If he's suggested a specific time, tell him you aren't available then but you could do late afternoon or early evening drinks on the same day. If he didn't provide a specific time, simply state that mornings are a big challenge for you. Afternoons and later in the day tend to be easier to schedule if that also works for him.

Other than that, try not to read too much into his choices until you've met him.

June 21, 2013

You say you're willing to pay your way so it's not like you are looking for a free meal...

But, prospective dates don't know this.

Other than that, try not to read too much into his choices until you've met him.

This. Please. This!

June 21, 2013

Too bad there aren't more women like you. Honesty I went to a resturant with a woman I had no interested from the beginning. However not everyone is like that. If women offered to pay their own way I'm sure more guys will be willing to date a lot more women and don't have high expectations in women but when you have women expect men to date when he want the most attractive women we can find.

My girlfriends, who are my age or even older, berate me when I tell them that I offer to pay (and mean it) my share of the bill. I certainly don't agree with them and I feel that I'd be demeaning myself by not offering to pay. It's another thing if the guy is dying to impress and insists on taking care of the bill but it's more likely that we end up splitting the check.

June 21, 2013

Then go out with them, and let this guy find someone who's not so high-maintenance.

That's not high maintenance, it's called being a mature grown up. People are in a rush to find someone compatible that miss the enjoyment of life. If you don't enjoy the processed it's likely you will enjoy dating at a higher level.

An hour of your time won't kill you and perhaps end being friends.

Also how is she high maintenance when she is willing to pay her own way or even treat the guy whereas you expect men to treat you? I get a sense you're more a high maintenance than she is simply because there's a lot less expectation on the guy.

June 21, 2013

For some perspective, this reminds me of a date I had about six months ago. We had been planning to meet up for some time and couldn't get our schedules straight. Finally, we set on a day and figured we would wing it and decide what to do on the day of.

As I was about to head to her place to pick her up I suggested coffee and she literally laughed at me. "Coffee? Really? LOL"

She wanted to get something to eat instead. We ended up going to a restaurant and even when we were there she mocked me for suggesting coffee. Then when the bill came she made it very clear that she wasn't paying for a thing.

Needless to say I was completely turned off by this, and annoyed that I just wasted all that money on an unenjoyable time. I vowed not to take a strange woman out to eat unless I really, really had a good feeling about things.

Just food for thought.

June 21, 2013

You sound very high-maintenance, I'm afraid.

Sorry OP, but that was my first thought. Either that or you haven't had much OLD experience. A few times of being burned w/ OLD and you'll learn the quick, inexpensive first meet-up with the option to find a complementary activity (in this case 11 am coffee could lead to lunch) is a sound approach.

To me the setting/activity is not really that important. If it's the right person, you can have fun doing almost anything. Unless its particularly distracting, the environment is secondary.

The first meet up is just to determine if there is any romantic potential. The fact he asked to meet so fast and is using coffee as a first meet tells me he has OLD experience.

I have had OLD experiences in which there was crazy phone chemistry and zero in-person chemistry. I have had OLD experiences in which I created really fun dates and either myself or the woman were not interested (hours hanging out w/ no easy escape, knowing it isn't going anywhere).

After a few times of that even the most romantic of us start to find out that you want the first meet to be quick and painless. I agree with the other poster that the time frame suggests that if you both like each other he will suggest lunch. Another indicator this guy has OLD experience.

So, in short even though it seems like a "meh" date, he's actually put a lot of thought into it. lol

June 21, 2013

Suzie, I understand your vent and sympathize. No need to justify why you feel the way you do.

I did OLD and didn't go on a single coffee date. Not every guy uses the coffee interview format to pre-screen who they will date, have meet and greets, etc. In fact, many don't. They simply date. Many different approaches out there.

I did do brunch and lunch dates early on, but realized that it put the guy at a tremendous disadvantage with me. The time of day and setting put me in business mode. I scheduled him in among other meetings, and dashed off to the next meeting as soon as we were done. End of day worked better for me. I was relaxed. I was done with my day. The focus was on my date and figuring out whether we might have a connection.

Everyone has their style. Sounds like you know yours and what works well for you. You're also aware, that many first dates are "one and dones" because there's no chemistry. Two great people if you've screened well before agreeing to a date, but nothing there.

If he's suggested a specific time, tell him you aren't available then but you could do late afternoon or early evening drinks on the same day. If he didn't provide a specific time, simply state that mornings are a big challenge for you. Afternoons and later in the day tend to be easier to schedule if that also works for him.

Other than that, try not to read too much into his choices until you've met him.

Thanks for sharing your dating wisdom. Much appreciated.

June 21, 2013

Sorry OP, but that was my first thought. Either that or you haven't had much OLD experience. A few times of being burned w/ OLD and you'll learn the quick, inexpensive first meet-up with the option to find a complementary activity (in this case 11 am coffee could lead to lunch) is a sound approach.

To me the setting/activity is not really that important. If it's the right person, you can have fun doing almost anything. Unless its particularly distracting, the environment is secondary.

The first meet up is just to determine if there is any romantic potential. The fact he asked to meet so fast and is using coffee as a first meet tells me he has OLD experience.

I have had OLD experiences in which there was crazy phone chemistry and zero in-person chemistry. I have had OLD experiences in which I created really fun dates and either myself or the woman were not interested (hours hanging out w/ no easy escape, knowing it isn't going anywhere).

After a few times of that even the most romantic of us start to find out that you want the first meet to be quick and painless. I agree with the other poster that the time frame suggests that if you both like each other he will suggest lunch. Another indicator this guy has OLD experience.

So, in short even though it seems like a "meh" date, he's actually put a lot of thought into it. lol

Sounds like you don't have good social skills. I know people with great social skills. People are only set on dating but not really enjoying the moment. Besides one of her friends could be your match but you blew it off quickly.

I find a lot of OLD people antisocial.

June 21, 2013

OP, it goes like this in the OLD world....

guy suggests coffee for a first meeting. Dives in for a kiss...

...if you don't give him 'the cheek'... Next date, his house for a 'movie' or to cook you dinner because he's such a fabulous chef (not)... or something else equally uncreative.

Yawn...

sound familiar??

I'm with you... coffee meetings show zero creativity. So do dinner/drink meetings, BTW. If you are going to turn down a coffee meeting, I'd suggest something free or close to it, but also a lot more interesting.

I say no to either for reasons that have zero to do with money.

June 21, 2013

Not sure what you mean. Please expand. With OLD I have found there is a trade-off. It is easier to meet people, but on the other hand it is harder to gauge romantic potential until one actually meets.

I'm not attacking or anything. But people with great social skills will have a great time no matter the conditions or environment. Yes you did have a few unpleasant dates but that doesn't mean that will be in the future. Now since you have the belief the date might not end well, you are more likely to get something like that. Because you are focusing on things not going good on your end so you're more likely to be interested in the wrong person or the wrong person will agree to dating you.

Ok it didn't work out but maybe you can be friends with the woman. Maybe she knows a coworker or friend that can be a match but you were too focused on just the moment. So you lost your chance. I've seen people post I don't need more friends but they don't realize that friends can be the gold.

One of my sister met her hubby through friends if she had the attitude I don't need more friends she would have never met him.

Sign In

Coffee Shop for First Meeting?

Recommended Posts

Ripnet

Ripnet

Suziee

salparadise

Suziee

miss_jaclynrae

Star Gazer

RedRobin

Suziee

Suziee

brandnew2

Cutiepie1976

Star Gazer

Suziee

Ripnet

brandnew2

TheFinalWord

Suziee

Ripnet

RedRobin

Ripnet

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...