Jump to content

Coffee Shop for First Meeting?

Suziee

By Suziee
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
Posted

I really need to vent.

 

I'm over 50 and doing online dating. My profile shows me to be well-educated and well-traveled. I've exchanged a couple of emails with a gentleman, a few years older than me and never been married, who is clearly sophisticated, educated, and is a successful professional, based on his profile. He first contacted me two days ago and now he wants to meet. I normally don't agree to meet this early but, based on the common interests on our profiles and the substance of the emails exchanged, I said yes. I just got his response in which he suggested meeting at 11 a.m. this weekend, possibly at a Starbucks. We don't live in the same city so I'd have to drive 30 minutes just to meet him.

 

I'm far from high maintenance and I always offer and usually end up paying for half the check for any first (or succeeding) "date". In the 8 years since my divorce, I've had two first "dates" in a coffee shop, scheduled late in the afternoon, and these felt like job interviews to me. I'm very careful and selective in whom I communicate with so I don't end up meeting many guys. First dates are usually dinner at a restaurant and my date and I usually know enough about each other that we can have a good time just talking and having a social time, whether or not we continue seeing each other.The last guy I met on OLD was two months ago. He drove to my city and we met at nice restaurant, had wine and appetizers, and I paid half the check. We had a nice time although, because of lack of chemistry, I didn't want to have another date with him.

 

I'm not sure if I even want to respond to this latest guy. I wouldn't even mind meeting for a drink at a nice bar at 5 pm, in case he has a dinner date at 6, or just wants a quick getaway. We're both mature adults, we both can afford to pay for dinner, we're both professionals--a coffee shop morning meeting/"date", to me, seems so lame and almost dismissive.

 

Thanks for reading. Feedback please?

 

Btw, this is my first time as OP.

  • Like 1
clia Established Member

clia

Posted
Posted

I think it's a good thing that he wants to meet you in person so quickly. I always thought coffee dates were kind of lame, but for a first time meeting someone from online in person, I think they are acceptable. They offer an easy, quick out if one of you doesn't like the other. (My guess is he's been doing the online dating thing for awhile and has learned his lesson about doing more expensive/involved things for the first outing.) But since he suggested 11 a.m., he may try to parlay it into lunch if the two of you hit it off.

 

If I were you, I would probably just agree to his suggestion to meet for coffee, but I don't see anything wrong with countering with meeting at the bar for a drink, if you are really against having coffee with him. You should meet halfway, though -- don't drive all the way to him.

  • Like 2
sillyanswer Established Member

sillyanswer

Posted
Posted (edited)

Suggest your preference to him and see what he says?

 

I've done weekend morning coffee dates as first dates before... some good and some bad. The last one lasted about 5 or 6 hours... coffee, walk, sit, talk, kiss!, walk, bar, beer, restaurant, dinner, kiss. :)

 

If I was picking the venue, for a coffee date, I'd try and find somewhere that wasn't Starbucks. Ideally an independent place that also had some great cakes.

Edited by sillyanswer
  • Like 1
BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

Posted
Posted

Think of it this way ... if you met this man while you were out shopping and during your back-and-forth he asked you if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee would you decline his invitation because you're holding out for dinner and drinks?

 

At this point in time you're still strangers to one another. OLD is how you were introduced to one another but it's not how you "met". You don't know him and he doesn't know you. Yet.

 

What you are asking for is a date. What he is asking for is just to meet you.

  • Like 1
Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted

I think your expectations for a first meeting from OLD are a little high. It's really not a first date, it's the first time you're meeting the person.

 

I always prefer drinks, apps, dinner, etc., too, but coffee is fine too.

 

If you're not comfortable with the coffee thing, why not counter with a suggestion of what you'd like to do? Most guys will say okay.

  • Like 2
Phantom888 Established Member

Phantom888

Posted
Posted

I honestly don't see anything wrong with a morning coffee date. It's casual, fun, and nothing distracting the conversation. Plus, if there is no chemistry, at least you didn't waste a saturday night. I am all for it... don't judge him for being practical.

  • Like 2
Ripnet Established Member

Ripnet

Posted
Posted

Coffee meet is ideal for OLD. Why because many people found the person they met didn't look like their pics. Some had old pics, maybe 5 to 10 years back. Some people had fake pics. Some people were over weight, some people were not. The first meet is not a date it's way to verify if the person is actually who she he claims they are in their profile.

 

If you met a man who didn't look like the pics, would you want to spend a few hours on a date? What if he lied and he couldn't afford to even go dutch because you wanted to go to a classy restaurant.

 

I remember one guy stated he met over 100 women from OLD and only a few actually looked like their pics. He did meet them at the bar but he bailed soon after. It is wasting people time and money.

crude Established Member

crude

Posted
Posted
Plus, if there is no chemistry, at least you didn't waste a saturday night. I am all for it... don't judge him for being practical.

 

But she mentioned a previous date where there was no chemistry, yet she had a good social time out and enjoyed the evening even though the two together didn't merit another date. Clearly, the OP is practical and knows these first meetings don't necessarily lead to a LTR, but she simply enjoys a nice evening out with a man, even if there aren't any sparks between them. It's not a waste at all. Going for morning coffee isn't enough for a sophisticated woman with a practical attitude about relationships.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I think it's a good thing that he wants to meet you in person so quickly.

 

...

 

If I were you, I would probably just agree to his suggestion to meet for coffee, but I don't see anything wrong with countering with meeting at the bar for a drink, if you are really against having coffee with him. You should meet halfway, though -- don't drive all the way to him.

 

Thanks for pointing out that at least, he's interested in meeting so quickly and yes, I might suggest an afternoon drink, instead.

 

I also felt that he was being presumptuous in suggesting the meeting area which is 30 minutes from me and 15 minutes from him. It's actually a convenient location that I would have suggested, anyway, but still.

  • Author
Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Think of it this way ... if you met this man while you were out shopping and during your back-and-forth he asked you if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee would you decline his invitation because you're holding out for dinner and drinks?

 

This is a different situation--I'd be out already and I already find the guy attractive so, of course, I'd say yes! And no, I'm not holding out for anything.

 

What you are asking for is a date. What he is asking for is just to meet you.

 

I get what you're saying. I guess, if this is how he feels, that meeting me warrants no more than coffee at Starbucks, then he's not the guy for me.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
I guess, if this is how he feels, that meeting me warrants no more than coffee at Starbucks, then he's not the guy for me.

 

He could say the same about you, that if meeting him requires him to take you to a nice restaurant for drinks and a meal, then you're not the woman for him.

 

I believe most men would feel the same way, and if you're going to approach OLD this way in general, I think you might have difficulty getting many more dates.

  • Like 2
Lansing Established Member

Lansing

Posted
Posted

It might also be that he figures you would be more agreeable to a casual coffee vs. drinks, dinner, etc. by meeting at 11am he is allowing it to turn into lunch/extended time hanging it too, I have had some really good coffee dates that that didn't feel like job interviews. The ones that felt like job interviews were the bad dates!

  • Like 2
  • Author
Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
True, but since she's willing to pay her share, it's also a friendly meeting. Since the OP wants a more substantial social time out, there's no reason for him not to go for it if she explains her desires. If a stranger demanded a $500 dinner and concert on him, that'd be a problem.

 

Thank you! It's not so much a date as a meeting between two people who can have a good time conversing, whether or not we find ourselves attracted to each other. I think the venue can make a difference.

  • Author
Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I honestly don't see anything wrong with a morning coffee date. It's casual, fun, and nothing distracting the conversation. Plus, if there is no chemistry, at least you didn't waste a saturday night. I am all for it... don't judge him for being practical.

 

That's one thing, too--if he's tooooo practical, we're probably not going to be compatible.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
Thank you! It's not so much a date as a meeting between two people who can have a good time conversing, whether or not we find ourselves attracted to each other. I think the venue can make a difference.

 

It shouldn't. You should be able to enjoy each other's company regardless of where you first meet.

 

You sound very high-maintenance, I'm afraid.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
That's one thing, too--if he's tooooo practical, we're probably not going to be compatible.

 

Why don't you meet him before jumping to all these negative conclusions?

NoMoreJerks Established Member

NoMoreJerks

Posted
Posted

I'd meet him at one of those bookstores that have coffee shops in them. That would really make me feel more comfortable than a stand-alone Starbucks in the middle of nowhere. It would also give me plenty of people to observe if I am starting to get bored. Overall, a better environment IMO. I am not against coffee meet-ups. I went on a proper dinner-date with a guy yesterday, that I met on OLD, and it was the most boring thing ever. This guy was so boring, I wanted to kill myself the entire night... and I had no way of getting out of it, short of leaving my dinner unfinished and paying and leaving.. which would've been nasty..

BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

Posted
Posted

Suziee, this is going to come off rough but just play along if you will ...

 

How has all of the emailing and getting to know someone before you accept their dinner invitation worked out? You get to tell your friends that you went on a date with Mr. Y at this fabulous restaurant and how wonderful the conversation was and how much you enjoyed the evening? So when they ask you if you'll be seeing that person again you respond with what? They weren't what you expected? There was no chemistry? And I'm sure that's all very sad too because that guy was extremely promising in his emails.

 

Just once wouldn't it be great to go on a date to one of those restaurants and have those conversations with someone you found attractive and with whom you had some commonality?

 

Seems impossible though, right? I mean there's no other way to meet sophisticated men than to have him invite you to dinner first?

 

If only there were some other way ...

  • Author
Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
But she mentioned a previous date where there was no chemistry, yet she had a good social time out and enjoyed the evening even though the two together didn't merit another date. Clearly, the OP is practical and knows these first meetings don't necessarily lead to a LTR, but she simply enjoys a nice evening out with a man, even if there aren't any sparks between them. It's not a waste at all. Going for morning coffee isn't enough for a sophisticated woman with a practical attitude about relationships.

 

You articulated that really well. I've had many interesting first and only meetings where the other person and I had a good time and parted with respect, albeit lack of attraction, for each other.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
Going for morning coffee isn't enough for a sophisticated woman with a practical attitude about relationships.

 

Incorrect. Going for a morning coffee for a first meeting is enough for a sophisticated woman with a practical attitude about dating/relationships. I am a sophisticated woman, and coffee would be enough for me for a first meeting.

 

Going for a morning coffee for a first meeting isn't enough for a sophisticated woman who is more focused on a fun night out, than letting the dating/relationship process unfold naturally.

 

It seems to me that the OP is looking to date casually via nights out, but not necessarily find a relationship. In that case, she should make that clear in her profile, and outright saw that "coffee isn't enough for such a sophisticated woman as herself." :rolleyes:

  • Author
Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'd meet him at one of those bookstores that have coffee shops in them. That would really make me feel more comfortable than a stand-alone Starbucks in the middle of nowhere. It would also give me plenty of people to observe if I am starting to get bored. Overall, a better environment IMO. I am not against coffee meet-ups. I went on a proper dinner-date with a guy yesterday, that I met on OLD, and it was the most boring thing ever. This guy was so boring, I wanted to kill myself the entire night... and I had no way of getting out of it, short of leaving my dinner unfinished and paying and leaving.. which would've been nasty..

 

That's a great suggestion. Sorry about your boring date, though. I usually try to exchange email for at least a few days to have enough info about the guy so that we can have a decent conversation, no matter how boring he turns out to be. You really need a good sense of humor to get through OLD. I hope you had a good laugh after your date.

NoMoreJerks Established Member

NoMoreJerks

Posted
Posted
That's a great suggestion. Sorry about your boring date, though. I usually try to exchange email for at least a few days to have enough info about the guy so that we can have a decent conversation, no matter how boring he turns out to be. You really need a good sense of humor to get through OLD. I hope you had a good laugh after your date.

Ah, I exchanged way too many messages with the guy, as I am not the type that meets people after just exchanging a hi and a few basics. We had long conversations. But he turned out to be just plain boring, talking only about his job for the most part, and just, zero chemistry. He was just, almost asexual.. lol. Anyway, i guess that shows that it's not just about similar interests that matter. Actually, maybe different interests are better, because that way you have something to talk about that is out of the ordinary, rather than something you are used to thinking or talking about all the time. I had a great date in contrast, with another guy who has a totally different set of interests.

 

Good luck on your date. :)BTW, it does seem to be a little too much to drive 30 minutes just to sit at a coffee shop so I can see your frustration. Maybe he can meet you halfway.

  • Like 1
miss_jaclynrae Established Member

miss_jaclynrae

Posted
Posted

I love meeting for coffee. I always feel more comfortable sitting and talking than sitting and talking an eating. Lol

 

 

 

 

 

For first meeting its easy to end early if it doesn't work out and easy to lead into something more substantial if it goes well.

  • Author
Suziee Member

Suziee

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Coffee meet is ideal for OLD.

 

...

 

If you met a man who didn't look like the pics, would you want to spend a few hours on a date? What if he lied and he couldn't afford to even go dutch because you wanted to go to a classy restaurant.

 

.

 

 

 

I'm not looking for a "classy" or pricey restaurant to have dinner in. At my age, and from what I know about this guy and what he knows about me, I just want something less casual than a coffee shop. And even if he can't find his wallet when we get the check, which I'll offer to pay my share to, I have no problem paying the entire bill.

Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

Posted
Posted
I just want something less casual than a coffee shop.

 

I fail to see how a restaurant where there are appetizers and cocktails is less casual than Starbucks. :confused:

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...