Just found out about wife's affair...

[Triangle Agent]

I’ll try my best to keep a long story short. Been with my wife for 11 years…married 9. We have 2 kids under 7. Our marriage got stuck in a major rut 6 years ago. We always loved each other. I had zero sex drive. She was not a great wife…I was not a great husband. I constantly rejected her when she initiated sex. Almost 2 years ago I started testosterone replacement therapy. Within 6 months I was starting to feel like a man again. The last 12-15 months our marriage has been phenomenal. Sex almost every day. Texting each other constantly (which I initiated a year ago…she didn’t) . Getting each other “excited” at work through text (I initiated that too) and then attacking each other when I walk through the door from work. And we’re finally partners again…not roommates. Our marriage turned into everything we had dreamed of.

 

 

But a few years ago I started to notice little changes in her. She would cry for no reason. She was hiding liquor from me. She seemed to be hiding something else too. But I could never figure it out…even by snooping. I always thought there was a deep dark secret…even though things were wonderful now. And last Tuesday I logged into her Yahoo account and noticed a strange name in her messenger contacts. I asked her about it and she broke down sobbing. Confessing that in early 2009 she and a coworker started sending emails to each other. That turned into instant messaging and the messages were very sexual. He was very into her. And she loved the attention.

 

 

That led to numerous (about 50 or so) inappropriate touching incidents while at work over 3 years. The stars would have to align for this to happen since the office is busy. But she would run down to his office and give him fellatio or a hand job for literally a minute then run out. He even returned the favor several times. There was never vaginal sex…never any kissing…nothing emotional. They never discussed each other’s families. They never said “I love you.” This was strictly dirty talk that went way too far. And she ended the affair in December 2011 and within 6 months our marriage was incredible. She has had zero contact with him since she ended it. And he no longer works for the company as of earlier this year.

 

 

Of course I didn’t believe her at first. This just doesn’t sound like something a woman would do. A man…yes. But I just kept thinking there must be more to the story. I contacted him and got his side of the story. He was a little off on the length of the affair. He estimated it to be around 2 years…she said 3. But everything else matched up. No sex…no kissing…nothing emotional. No contact outside of the office. At no time was she in his office for more than a minute because of the threat of being caught.

 

 

 

I’ve asked all the questions that I could think of. Why no sex…why no kissing? She said that’s the one moral she stuck to and it was never an emotional affair. She never wanted to kiss him. I’m the 3rd person she’s ever slept with. She was never promiscuous. And in her mind what she was doing was divorce worthy anyway. She always thought I’d divorce her if I found out.

 

 

We are both a wreck. We can’t eat and we’ve never cried this much before. She is truly remorseful and has been since she woke up and ended the affair 18 months ago. If I would have found out 2 years ago I think the end result might be different. But she ended it on her own…our marriage became wonderful…and I can tell that this affair truly did change her and she is heartbroken over what it’s doing to me.

 

 

 

Does anyone have any experience with an affair like this? It just seems so weird.

[Chi townD]

Well, she can sugar coat it all she wants, she was still cheating regardless if there was intercourse or not.

 

A good definition of cheat is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do infront of your significant other. That's cheating.

 

On a plus side, she does sound remorseful. If you want to reconcile the marriage, you're in the best possible position to do so.

 

I strongly recommend that you get into marriage counseling. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO DO, is you need to do your homework and find a counselor that specializes in infidelity! VERY IMPORTANT! Most of your run of the mill counselors give the Dr. Phil or Oprah answers making her affair your fault. For example, they'll say that if you would have taken your health more seriously, you would have got your T levels straighten out to begin with and she would have never gone looking elsewhere. Thus, making her affair your fault.

 

A counselor that specializes in infidelity won't fall for that smoke screen answer and they hold the cheater accountable for their own sh*t. So, make sure you get the right kind of counselor.

[Triangle Agent]

Well, she can sugar coat it all she wants, she was still cheating regardless if there was intercourse or not.

 

She definitely hasn't sugar coated it. She knew and knows that this was a full blown affair. She knew what she was doing would likely end in divorce if I found out. It does make a small difference to me that there was no kissing or intercourse. To her the oral is just as bad...if not worse than intercourse. She just wasn't going to sleep with him. And he tried to take it outside the office. She held firm on that...surprisingly.

[Janesays]

Yeah, it definitely is a weird one. But she came clean of her own accord (the guilt was probably eating her up), she ended without being forced to end it, she's owning up to her actions and being truthful and transparent about what she's done, and she sounds like she honestly feels remorse for what she's done.

 

That's a heck of a lot more than a lot of BS get around these parts. I think if YOU think you can forgive her, you are in a good spot to reconcile. But if you can't forgive her, there is no shame in that either.

[aliveagain]

It was a long term affair and an affair is still an affair. It was a secret that she and OM had between themselves and kept from you. She still needs to find out through independent counseling why she allowed herself to step over that boundary. Has she been checked out, just because he didn't put his penis in her vagina doesn't mean that liquids weren't exchanged, they performed oral on each other, oral is still sex. They had sex. You need to deal with this as anyone would deal with infidelity, get professional help, no rug sweeping or you can be guaranteed that this will happen again the next time you have problems. You have enough information to decide if reconciliation is in the cards. Be strong friend.

[Triangle Agent]

Yeah, it definitely is a weird one. But she came clean of her own accord (the guilt was probably eating her up), she ended without being forced to end it, she's owning up to her actions and being truthful and transparent about what she's done, and she sounds like she honestly feels remorse for what she's done.

 

That's a heck of a lot more than a lot of BS get around these parts. I think if YOU think you can forgive her, you are in a good spot to reconcile. But if you can't forgive her, there is no shame in that either.

 

I know she's remorseful. I can go all the way back to the end of the affair and see the change in her. And she has cried and sobbed more than me over this. She devastated me. And it comes at a horrible time because we have been perfect for over a year. Or maybe this is the perfect time to find out because of how great we have been. I have already forgiven her.

[Triangle Agent]

It was a long term affair and an affair is still an affair. It was a secret that she and OM had between themselves and kept from you. She still needs to find out through independent counseling why she allowed herself to step over that boundary. Has she been checked out, just because he didn't put his penis in her vagina doesn't mean that liquids weren't exchanged, they performed oral on each other, oral is still sex. They had sex. You need to deal with this as anyone would deal with infidelity, get professional help, no rug sweeping or you can be guaranteed that this will happen again the next time you have problems. You have enough information to decide if reconciliation is in the cards. Be strong friend.

 

We've never specifically gone in for an STD test but I have bloodwork done 3 times a year for the testosterone replacement therapy. I also donate blood. And we've both taken out new life insurance policies in the last year where they drew blood, took urine, and swabbed our cheeks. And she just had a full panel blood analysis through her OBGYN. I've never had a symptom of an STD. It wouldn't hurt to get specifically tested for that but I'm fairly certain it would have shown up by now.

 

And there will be no rug sweeping here. It's not my style at all. I'm devastated and pissed. I have forgiven her and stayed to work things out. But I'm beyond mad.

[aliveagain]

Friend, sounds like the anger stage is setting in, we all go through it. You need to ask your doctor for STD testing, there are things they test for that they wouldn't normally do. The humiliation that your Wayward spouse will feel taking the test will help as a deterrent against future infidelity, it sobers you up real quick once you know what you risked for a little bit of strange. Have you a way of releasing your anger, running, heavy bag?

[jnj express]

What are to be her consequences---what is her accountability???????

 

You do know, that she is out of her mind---doing things like she did, in her workplace, where people could have walked in on her----Give me a break here-----was she dropped on her head----let me picture this----If caught in public, there in the office, she would at this moment be in jail, and then following that, she would become a registered sex offender---oh and lets add to that list, IDIOTIC UNTHINKING ROLE MODEL OF A MOTHER---because I am sure that office, was a place, that did allow the general public in from time to time!!!!!!

 

do I have this right---she would "run into the office---rip his pants down---she would give him a HJ for a minute, and then she runs out of the office"---DO YOUR F'ing REALLY BELIEVE THAT

 

You need to polygraph her, to find out what really happened----for 2 to 3 yrs---she replaced you---made your mge., he*l, and let you believe things were terrible, while she ran around trying to make her lover that she never kissed, or had penetration with, happy---meanwhile you at home---your trying to figure out how to keep your head above water

 

And you forgive her just like that---just out of curiosity, what could you want from us---do you just want to vent---you have done so----I wish you and your wife who had a 3 yr A, but did nothing, lots of luck

[drifter777]

We've never specifically gone in for an STD test but I have bloodwork done 3 times a year for the testosterone replacement therapy. I also donate blood. And we've both taken out new life insurance policies in the last year where they drew blood, took urine, and swabbed our cheeks. And she just had a full panel blood analysis through her OBGYN. I've never had a symptom of an STD. It wouldn't hurt to get specifically tested for that but I'm fairly certain it would have shown up by now.

 

And there will be no rug sweeping here. It's not my style at all. I'm devastated and pissed. I have forgiven her and stayed to work things out. But I'm beyond mad.

 

Then why are you "beyond mad"? Why are you posting here? What you have given her is cheap forgiveness - not true forgiveness. You did this because you are desperate to "get past this" and hope that time will heal this wound. It might work for a while, but your anger is only masking the deep hurt you feel from her horrible betrayal. It's only going to get worse as you picture her sucking him off in your mind. And you will have these disgusting images crash into your brain at random times. Be prepared.

 

Look, all WW's lie about the extent of the sex and the duration of the affair. You've already found a discrepancy in the length of time it lasted which is a red flag. They could have rehearsed their stories right after you discovered the truth about her and the OM. She is only admitting to oral - and short little blowjobs at that - because she knows she's busted and has to tell you something. Believe her at your own risk. The chances that they didn't have full blown intercourse and oral to completion is so remote as to be unbelievable to anyone but a betrayed husband in shock in the wake of d-day.

Edited June 20, 2013 by drifter777

[karnak]

 

Look, all WW's lie about the extent of the sex and the duration of the affair. You've already found a discrepancy in the length of time it lasted which is a red flag. They could have rehearsed their stories right after you discovered the truth about her and the OM. She is only admitting to oral - and short little blowjobs at that - because she knows she's busted and has to tell you something. Believe her at your own risk. The chances that they didn't have full blown intercourse and oral to completion is so remote as to be unbelievable to anyone but a betrayed husband in the wake of the shock of d-day.

 

Sure is true. Just check most infidelity stories here in LS.

[2sunny]

Yeah, it definitely is a weird one. But she came clean of her own accord (the guilt was probably eating her up), she ended without being forced to end it, she's owning up to her actions and being truthful and transparent about what she's done, and she sounds like she honestly feels remorse for what she's done.

 

That's a heck of a lot more than a lot of BS get around these parts. I think if YOU think you can forgive her, you are in a good spot to reconcile. But if you can't forgive her, there is no shame in that either.

 

She didn't offer he info - he found her email.

 

She may be sorry she got caught.

 

Looks like she planned to keep this secret from you forever.

 

The M needs work on honesty and trust.

[karnak]

A woman who's involved in an affair for more than a year and only performs oral and handjobs on her lover??

 

Sorry, Triangle Agent, but that's just not possible.

 

Any lady's opinion on this?

[Janesays]

She didn't offer he info - he found her email.

 

She may be sorry she got caught.

 

He didn't find anything but a contact he didn't recognize. No actual email detailing her transgression, didn't look like her AP was ever planning to come forward, no real proof, the affair was ended so no chance of getting caught in the act. Re-read the OP. When he asked her who it was, she could have just said "Oh, old co-worker. He quit a long time ago, haven't heard from him in ages. What are we doing for dinner?" and let that be the end of it. But she didn't say that. She fessed up. She COULD HAVE took the secret to her grave and the OP would have never been the wiser. She didn't do that. Instead, she confessed. Why would she do that if not for the little voice inside of her telling her that it was the right thing to do?

 

Look, I'm an ex betrayed spouse myself, so I get totally what it is like to be cheated on. It's a terrible feeling. But I know MY ex husband would have lie, lie, lied his way to his grave if he could have gotten away with it. He would have NEVER confessed to me....especially without any tangible proof! Heck, he tried to lie in the face of tangible proof!

 

Why? Because unlike the OP's wife, my cheating basta rd of an ex doesn't have a conscience.

[wanting more]

What are to be her consequences---what is her accountability???????

 

You do know, that she is out of her mind---doing things like she did, in her workplace, where people could have walked in on her----Give me a break here-----was she dropped on her head----let me picture this----If caught in public, there in the office, she would at this moment be in jail, and then following that, she would become a registered sex offender---oh and lets add to that list, IDIOTIC UNTHINKING ROLE MODEL OF A MOTHER---because I am sure that office, was a place, that did allow the general public in from time to time!!!!!!

 

do I have this right---she would "run into the office---rip his pants down---she would give him a HJ for a minute, and then she runs out of the office"---DO YOUR F'ing REALLY BELIEVE THAT

 

You need to polygraph her, to find out what really happened----for 2 to 3 yrs---she replaced you---made your mge., he*l, and let you believe things were terrible, while she ran around trying to make her lover that she never kissed, or had penetration with, happy---meanwhile you at home---your trying to figure out how to keep your head above water

 

And you forgive her just like that---just out of curiosity, what could you want from us---do you just want to vent---you have done so----I wish you and your wife who had a 3 yr A, but did nothing, lots of luck

 

Did I miss something in the post? Why would she be in jail and a registered sex offender?

[Try]

That led to numerous (about 50 or so) inappropriate touching incidents while at work over 3 years. The stars would have to align for this to happen since the office is busy. But she would run down to his office and give him fellatio or a hand job for literally a minute then run out. He even returned the favor several times. There was never vaginal sex…never any kissing…nothing emotional. They never discussed each other’s families. They never said “I love you.” This was strictly dirty talk that went way too far.

Your wife's story is not believable and is not true. Randomly read 10 threads in the infidelity section of this site. Do the same thing on another infidelity section of any other forum. You will discover that 100% of the time that the cheaters lied and told trickle truth. That the cheated on spouse believe the cheater's lies no matter how ridiculously unbelievable the lies sounded until evidence that is undeniable became known. That the cheaters still lied and denied the undeniable. Your wife is a long term cheater, thus she is a liar. Again, she is lying. You are getting trickle truth that you are believing because you want to believe. You are human so this is normal; con men say that unbelievable cons work best when people want to believe. You as a cheated on spouse want to believe the unbelievable, but it still does not make it true.

 

I am sorry but her and her lovers story do not pass the smell test. Google "affair trickle truth" and keep digging. There is more to the story. If you buy this story now and forgive too easy, she will cheat again in the future. Take that to the bank.

[Triangle Agent]

What I didn't mention is my profession is insurance fraud. While I'm embarrassed I didn't find this out before...I'm absolutely positive she's telling the truth. I can always tell...with pretty much anyone. I was mainly posting to see if anyone had a similar experience so I can make sense of it. I appreciate all the responses. Some are extremely jaded though. I can tell the damage that cheating does just by the responses. The bases are being covered. Already planned on a polygraph...just to put her through it. She wants to. I've got a couple guys that I really trust. I'll post the details after the test. But I'm telling you she's being honest. I'd bet anything.

[BeholdtheMan]

Let's get one thing clear: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT SHE CHEATED. You definitely contributed to the quality of your marriage, for better or for worse, but she made the decision to cheat, rather than to work things out or to divorce. YOUR WIFE IS 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR BETRAYING YOUR TRUST

 

There was never vaginal sex…never any kissing…nothing emotional.

This is irrelevant to the degree of betrayal. She sucked him off. IMHO, that's just as bad as vaginal sex.

 

...and by the way, I highly doubt there was no vaginal sex. I'd disregard what the other man says completely. They could've coordinated their stories.

 

She was not a great wife…I was not a great husband.

Well, I can tell you that you've been a much better husband than she's been a wife. Reason? You didn't cheat on her.

 

They never discussed each other’s families. They never said “I love you.” This was strictly dirty talk that went way too far.

Does this somehow make her cheating more acceptable in your eyes?

 

She always thought I’d divorce her if I found out.

You have to seriously consider making her fear come true. I don't believe a person can truly change without negative consequences. There's simply no motivation. Sounds like you've given her nothing to think twice about cheating again (crying with her doesn't count)

 

But she ended it on her own…our marriage became wonderful…and I can tell that this affair truly did change her and she is heartbroken over what it’s doing to me.

You seem dead-set on reconciliation, which is your prerogative...but ask yourself why do you want to reconcile?

 

I would really like to hear your reasons. Are you settling for a cheater because you don't think you have other options? In my experience, people usually do this because they're afraid of being alone (i.e. they don't think they have other options)

 

I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm trying to encourage you to be 100% honest with yourself right now.

[2sunny]

If your wife needs to cheat to "make her M wonderful" - that's just sickening.

 

Why wasn't she capable of making it wonderful without cheating?

 

Has she been in counseling to find solutions to her cheating behavior?

 

Has she learned why she would be so demeaning to herself as to run in - blow a man - and leave a minute later = all without any emotional connection or even kissing?

 

As I type that - it seems not believable!

 

She needs a polygraph.

[Try]

I'm absolutely positive she's telling the truth. I can always tell...with pretty much anyone.

She had a had a sexual affair for three years with another man and you did not have a clue. Yes I can see that you "can always tell", NOT!!!

[BeholdtheMan]

She had a had a sexual affair for three years with another man and you did not have a clue. Yes I can see that you "can always tell", NOT!!!

LOL...very good point

 

I believe TS is deluding himself to feel better. Whatever mental gymnastics to make the pain go away.

 

Anyway, I think he's a lost cause. Another no-consequences doormat who will likely be cuckolded again. I just hope he manages to find his balls in the future...for his own good.

[findingnemo]

I think TS is doing exactly what he needs to do. His W is being truthful as far as he knows. The polygraph will probably help ascertain that.

 

I do think you both need to see a marriage counsellor anyway. A sexless M can be disastrous even if now everything is fine. She must have been feeling resentful. Whatever her reasons for the A, you have to make sure she understands how it happened in order to avoid it happening again.

 

Consequences will help ensure she understands what is at stake. I must say though that if she passes the polygraph, based on how she has acted so far, your chances of a successful R are quite high.

 

Good luck, TS.

[BeholdtheMan]

I think TS is doing exactly what he needs to do.

Accepting a patently absurd story (his wife rushes into OM's office for 1 minute blow jobs before wiping her chin and rushing out...for 2 years...without vaginal sex) and reconciling without making her work hard to regain his trust is "exactly what he needs to do"?

 

I really don't think so...

 

This man needs to be shocked out of his complacency

[oldshirt]

This thread reminds me of that scene in the movie, "Hang Over" when the guys are trying to make the one guy see what a cheating bitch his ball-breaking girlfriend is and his response to them bring up screwing the bell-hop on a cruise he replied, "he was a bartender and he didn't cum inside her."

 

Respnses like that are often more about trying to dismiss the severity of the offense and to try to protect themselves from the hurt and pain as well as to justify their own lack of definative response.

 

The OP is trying to sooth his own pain by convincing himself that some how his wife blowing another dude for 1 minute is somehow ok and is not really a legitimate source of deep pain for him and it also justifies his inaction in not kicking her to the curb.

 

So in a sense now that he has been given a story of her transgression ( horrifically trickled truthed BTW) he has retroactively set the bar of "real adultry" at kissing, PIV intercourse and oral sex of two minutes or longer.

 

He has a lot of self-protecting and marriage-preserving denial today but the fog will lift and the smoke will clear and he will in time have to face his pain and hold her accountable for her behavior.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Your wife's story is not believable and is not true. Randomly read 10 threads in the infidelity section of this site. Do the same thing on another infidelity section of any other forum. You will discover that 100% of the time that the cheaters lied and told trickle truth. That the cheated on spouse believe the cheater's lies no matter how ridiculously unbelievable the lies sounded until evidence that is undeniable became known. That the cheaters still lied and denied the undeniable. Your wife is a long term cheater, thus she is a liar. Again, she is lying. You are getting trickle truth that you are believing because you want to believe. You are human so this is normal; con men say that unbelievable cons work best when people want to believe. You as a cheated on spouse want to believe the unbelievable, but it still does not make it true.

 

I am sorry but her and her lovers story do not pass the smell test. Google "affair trickle truth" and keep digging. There is more to the story. If you buy this story now and forgive too easy, she will cheat again in the future. Take that to the bank.

 

I'm sorry to say he is right. I am a FOW and I can tell you that trickle truth is what happens. They have definitely talked between them in terms of what they are going to tell you to get their story straight. My xom and I did the same thing especially after the second dday. It IS what happens. And it's because she got caught, really - she didn't come and confess to you.

 

I also do not believe that there hasn't been intercourse nor kissing (really, what woman does that?) - and even if there isn't intercourse, oral sex is still sex.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this, but if you want to recover this marriage she needs to go complete no contact with him - she has to be away completely. And honestly, you need to decide if you want to save the marriage. It sounds like you both have had some difficult things to deal with in your marriage prior to this, but an affair is always the choice of the individual involved. Do not take responsibility for that. She made the decision and she needs to own it.

 

And you know what? She might be very sorry, especially as she realizes how devastated you are by her actions. But she really needs to prove that to you by coming completely clean. Many times the reason why she doesn't tell you everything is because she doesn't want to hurt you more, but what you need to tell her is that it hurts more not to know. Once you know everything, then you can decide how to proceed and if you want to reconcile. It is extremely hard work.

 

Good luck and keep posting - we will try to help as best we can.

Edited June 21, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong